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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my ex to take the 7m old

46 replies

Misswhitman · 27/01/2020 16:05

Context: I have a 22m old and a 7m old with my ex. We split around the time I got pregnant with the second because I had discovered he was using cocaine. He has been taking my eldest for 6 hours a week on a Sunday since he was 10 months old. He showed no interest in being at the second baby’s birth and was too hungover to come get us the next day from the hospital. My 7 month is breastfed and he hasn’t helped at all. He sees him when he’s picking my eldest up for his visits. He lives with his mum who I fell out with because she wouldn’t stop kissing my eldest on the mouth when he was a baby. She also condones all of my exes behaviour. He is now insisting on taking our EBF baby out to meet his family and on having my eldest overnight. I have said no to overnights as I think it would be stressful for my eldest (his dad has never put him to bed) and no to taking the baby because I don’t believe him capable of caring for a baby and my 7 m old has never been without me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Daftodil · 27/01/2020 16:12

Is he still using cocaine?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/01/2020 16:12

No. If baby is EBF of course you're not being unreasonable.

Stick to your guns re: 22 month- old too.

He needs to earn this. And the fact he was 'too hungover' to meet his new baby suggests he is nowhere close to being left in charge of 2 under-twos for a night.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 16:43

Nope, absolutely reasonable.

It's not as if he actually gives a shit, is it? Just wants to look an ok dad around his family and the overnight pressure will be coming from his mother, not him. Who can't respect your requests when it comes to your child.

Tell him things stay as they are for now, a breastfed baby isn't going anywhere without you for some time yet and if he doesn't like it, you're happy for court to sort it out. Which will absolutely involve him submitting to drug tests and could well mean him seeing them less than he does now.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 27/01/2020 16:51

Everything @FizzyGreenWater said 100%!
And are you planning on extending bf'ing by chance?😉

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2020 17:00

Is this court ordered or private agreement?

Would he bother if he had to take you to court?

Original poster
Misswhitman · 27/01/2020 17:41

Thank you. I doubt he would bother. He just manages to get in my head. I had no idea he was using cocaine and got rid as soon as I found out consequently I have no idea if he still does. I genuinely want them to make their own decisions about their dad. I’ve only stopped him seeing them once when I demanded we go to mediation. He said he’d take care of it, told me a time and a place, turned out he had only booked for himself and I was supposed to do the same (I had no idea) which he said is evidence I’m just vindictive and don’t want to negotiate. I’ve got so many stories about him being an unfit parent but no evidence. I have an open door policy here but he doesn’t take advantage of it because he wants to take them to his mums. The one time he did the eldest’s bed time he just ended up screaming at him “get in your cot and lie down or Daddy will leave and not come back”. The idea of him having him overnight makes me want to cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misswhitman · 27/01/2020 17:42

It’s all been a private agreement so far. I’d like to go to court so that it was concrete and he couldn’t manipulate me but I’m keeping a house mortgage and two kids afloat and I worry about costs.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 27/01/2020 18:27

He won’t get overnight visits or in fact any unsupervised visits if you dig your heels in. Personally I’d just tell him to sling his hook permanently, this won’t get better and just you wait until he meets some daft cow who wants to play part time mummy and starts egging him on.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/01/2020 13:32

The one time he did the eldest’s bed time he just ended up screaming at him “get in your cot and lie down or Daddy will leave and not come back”.

Ok, I think for a start you that next time he brings up overnights/mor contact you QUOTE that in a text to him stating that for this and other reasons such as drug use you are not willing to increase contact.

I would hope you get some acknowledgment from him that he did shout that at him - an apology or excuse.

It's a good thing to have proof of. Same for the drug taking.

This person is never going to make a good father.

Iloveplacentas · 28/01/2020 13:48

Start documenting everything. Write in an email and send it to yourself or trusted friend EVERY time something happens. And no, of course you are not being unreasonable. Do not let him have the kids overnight, and maybe even set up proper supervised contact

Original poster
Misswhitman · 28/01/2020 14:38

He’s very clever not to admit to anything or apologise for anything. I’ve got old WhatsApp messages where I’ve brought things up and he’s carried on with his spiel where in my opinion an innocent person would ask what on earth you’re going on about. Thank you I’ve never thought about the email idea I’m going to start doing that. He just manages to play on old insecurities with me and make me feel like I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Delaneyblue · 28/01/2020 14:41

His Mum wants to have the kids overnight not him. If he really wanted to be an active parent then he would be doing so already. Just say no to the overnights and suggest an alternative at your house.

Chottie · 28/01/2020 16:20

No, no, no x 1,000,000 times.

Your ex needs to prove that he is a caring and responsible father and ready to step up and love and care for your children first.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 16:26

I agree with delaney, I think his Mother is pushing the over night visits more than him. If he really cared you’d have been in court by now. He doesn’t give a hoot about the youngest by the sounds of it which is shitty, I think his Mum wants to see the youngest more than him.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 16:27

Also worth noting, a judge wouldn’t allow over night visitation for a breastfed baby.

Original poster
Misswhitman · 28/01/2020 16:44

My eldest isn’t breastfed anymore. Unfortunately I dried up when I was pregnant with his brother. I cannot tell you how much better I feel having heard from you all. I really appreciate it. I agree it’s his mum who wants overnights and his mum who wants to meet the baby.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 28/01/2020 18:01

The thing is in an ideal you world you wsnt the mum to have the kids too overnight, you’ll wsnt a break single parenting is damn hard work but I’d take her for a coffee and basically tell her you consider her responsible for them

Original poster
Misswhitman · 28/01/2020 18:53

I’d rather him responsible for them than her! We fell out when she wouldn’t stop kissing my eldest on the lips as a newborn. Then when my ex went on a drinking binge when my eldest was 5 days old she said I was hormonal and that’s why I was overreacting. She recently refused to take a string fly curtain down which got caught around my eldests neck (thankfully he only sustained a nasty burn as it could’ve been much worse). She refuses to engage with me full stop. I gave her the olive branch and my ex actually started taking my eldest when he was 10 months because it was her birthday. She continues to egg him on and used to purposefully call him away from time with his son demanding that he spend more time with his 12 year old sister.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 29/01/2020 12:37

Oh Jesus. Yes shove that olive branch up here arse and stay clear of them both. He sounds like a moron and he gets it from her

TriciaH87 · 29/01/2020 12:55

Personally I would request social services step in and that he has access in a contact centre where he can be monitored with both children. They would likely do a drug test and any indications of drug use would give grounds to stop contact.

Whynosnowyet · 29/01/2020 13:03

Imo stopping all contact until he can prove to a judge he isn't a drug user is the way forward.
Before his dm seeks access of her own claiming she has had dc unsupervised and overnight.
Your dc really aren't missing out.
Imagine your dc get hold of coke...

FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:13

Personally I would request social services step in and that he has access in a contact centre where he can be monitored with both children. They would likely do a drug test and any indications of drug use would give grounds to stop contact.

Social Services don’t do this.

Ultimately your ex would need to apply for court, and if he did you could raise your concerns and he may be directed to undertake drug testing, which would be privately paid for. Supervised contact in a centre would also need to be privately funded, if it goes down this path.

Imtootired · 29/01/2020 13:21

Maybe you could say that if him and his mum want to see the baby they can both come to your place at a set time that suits you for a few hours once a week so that you can do some washing or read or if you trust them in your house go to the shop? It might be a compromise and keep them off your back. In email so you have proof you’re being very reasonable

Original poster
Misswhitman · 29/01/2020 13:48

Thank you. I’ve tried saying she can see the baby at my house but she’s not having it. Two of his sisters and two of his friends have come to mine to meet the baby. I’m not a horrible person, I just don’t want the baby who has never been away from me surrounded by a bunch of strangers with no safe place in sight, nor do I want my eldest to do overnights until he knows he can ask to come home if he wants to. From what I’m hearing my best bet is to put my foot down and hope he’s too lazy to take me to court.

OP posts:
Imtootired · 29/01/2020 14:00

Yes absolutely. Hopefully it won’t come to court but I’m sure it wouldn’t turn out badly for you if it came to that. Maybe try a few more times to offer nicely for them both to come in writing because it’s always better and easier to be on good terms and resolve it together but sounds like they’re very difficult to deal with. Good luck. I’m a single mum to a baby too but luckily his dad seems to realise he’s not capable of looking after our son alone.

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