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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt at not being invited?

31 replies

Hangingwithmygnomies · 27/01/2020 14:35

I have a group of friends who I met through work and have known close to 15 years. Most of the group left where we work but a couple of us are still there and we all meet up as often as we can outside of work, both with our children (they are all very similar in age) and without. They've had a few kiddie meet ups and not always invited me which I put down to the fact they know I can't always make certain events due to having an autistic chid and it's not always easy to get him out of the house or they've met while I'm at work. Whilst it stung, I appreciate my child's issues shouldn't mean they don't meet up if I can't. Today I found out that they all got together at one of their houses for dinner last weekend for a Mum's night without the children. I am really upset as it seems I am the only one out of the group who wasn't invited. AIBU to be so hurt by this or am I being over sensetive?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 27/01/2020 14:37

I can understand why you are upset.

How many of you are there in the "group" ?

Is there anyone in the group you feel closer to? Maybe you can ask them?

mommymooo · 27/01/2020 14:40

I'd be hurt to tbh
I'm the same as you small group of friends they always do stuff I find out via Facebook I don't get invited to. So I understand they say oh we didn't you would enjoy or such n such.
I always send a text or WhatsApp just saying how was your night out looked fun maybe next time I'll come in a nice way.
Xx

Drum2018 · 27/01/2020 14:45

How did you find out? Would you feel comfortable asking any of them why they think you were excluded? When did you last meet up with them? It's shit that you were excluded. Do you have a group chat at all? If so I'm guessing it wasn't mentioned on that so the host must have contacted the others separately. Surely some of them would have wondered where you were. I'd send a message to whoever you feel closest to and ask if you had done anything to upset the host at any point.

Digestive28 · 27/01/2020 14:50

If it’s part of a pattern then I would be hurt but if a one off then plenty of other explanations. Like they bumped into each other in the day and made last minute plans, just didn’t think etc. I’d let this go if a one off

Genevieva · 27/01/2020 15:05

You are not the only one who has experienced this. For some reason, parents often experience the same exclusion that ASD kids themselves experience. It perplexes me, but I know lots of people who have experienced similar situations. None of them expect their friends to limit there activities to things the ASD child can do, but somehow being missing from those events seems to result in it becoming normal to exclude from other events that the parent or both might have enjoyed. If you have the guts, say to one of them that you would welcome the opportunity to join in with adult social activities. It can be exhausting having a child with ASD and you value the company of the women and the opportunity to talk about other things.

IntermittentParps · 27/01/2020 15:07

I agree with Digestive28 that the explanation might be that it was a spontaneous one-off. But obviously without knowing, we can't really judge.

YANBU to feel hurt though.

Camsie30 · 27/01/2020 15:17

I totally sympathise. I find feeling left out really painful and always have. I have a friendship group which is small, just 6 of us, with something very unique in common. This weekend 4 of them have gone away to centre parcs with their kids and I wasn't invited with mine. Felt really sad about it all weekend xx

MzHz · 27/01/2020 15:18

Like they bumped into each other in the day and made last minute plans, just didn’t think etc.

Yeah cos a mums night no kids is a doddle to sort out, food just materialises Grin

I’d be hurt, have had it happen to me too actually but for me it was a combination of having a blue child AND had become a single parent... deadly combination with mum friends Sad

Original poster
Hangingwithmygnomies · 27/01/2020 15:57

I found out as one of the ones who still works at my workplace mentioned she had seen one of them last weekend, so I asked if they'd done anything nice and then it came out. Wish I had said something at the time now but was a bit taken aback.

The Mum's night thing I think was a one although can't be 100% sure but I know they've met a handful of times recently with the children and not invited me. Even though I'm hurt, I don't know if I can be arsed to find out why - if it is because of my ASD child, I think it would make me angry and I'm likely to maybe say something I'd regret. I think I'd rather retain some dignity and just distance myself, as clearly I'm not as much a part of the group as I thought I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hangingwithmygnomies · 27/01/2020 15:58

*one off

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 27/01/2020 16:18

I have a child with ASD and a child with adhd .
I have lost most of my so called friends Over the years - they just don’t want the hassle or don’t want their kids mixing with mine .
It can be a very lonely existence being a mum to a special needs child .

Yeahnah2020 · 27/01/2020 16:28

Why don’t you just be up front.
“ Hi guys, just wondering if there’s any reason I wasn’t invited to the mums only catch up? To be honest I’m quite hurt no one thought to include me.” Then wait. Their response will tell you if you give them another chance or not.

OhMeows · 27/01/2020 16:37

There's been a few threads where parents with a SN child are excluded/faded out because the group don't want the "hassle" of the child's additional needs/behaviour differences.

Original poster
Hangingwithmygnomies · 27/01/2020 16:57

OhMeows I think I would understand more if he showed his difficulties when out but he masks superbly when in company he doesn't know that well (although he can sometimes get a bit bossy over play etc) to the point of being ridgidly polite and the "perfect" child - until we get home and he lets the overload out. Our issue is getting him to go out - mix of social anxiety and liking to be holed up indoors.

Maybe I'll speak to one of the ones I still work with tomorrow and find out. If feels like I'm being a bit pathetic over the situation lol! I thought they knew me well enough that they could tell me if I've done something to offend anyone - I'm not easily offended by things like that and would rather know

OP posts:
fedup21 · 27/01/2020 17:03

Maybe I'll speak to one of the ones I still work with tomorrow and find out

I think that’s sensible. It may not be anything to do with your son at all but like you, I’d be wondering why and whether it was something I’d done.

Lipz · 27/01/2020 17:09

Yes you are right to be upset. Tbh an invite wouldn't have cost them anything and that way it is up to you to decide whether you can go or not.

I have a severely disabled dd and I found out my real friends..... NONE of them . People who were around me for over 20 years decided between themselves that I wasn't good enough to go to their meals, drinks, nights out, lunches etc, all assumed I couldn't arrange child care, some who didn't like dds constant humming, some who felt it was too tiring, too much hard work watching me carry out a wheelchair from the car and her million bags I need to take with me. Yes I get they like to be free to go and do things on the spur of the moment but unfortunately I can't, I need to plan. I did miss alot of outings as many places were not wheelchair friendly or dh would be working on the nights out and no one else available but when they stopped altogether inviting me I stopped contacting them. I got some new friends and tbh it's lovely.

Strongmummy · 27/01/2020 17:12

I’d be hurt but I’d brush it off. Maybe they’re just not as close to you and you change the dynamic of the group?

Seaandsand83 · 27/01/2020 17:15

I'd be really hurt too OP. Is it possible to invite them over to yours for a meet up or send a group message to arrange a night together? Just so they know you value the group friendship and wish to be included in future meets

MuchBetterNow · 27/01/2020 17:19

It’s very unlikely that you’ll get the truth op, I feel crap for you. It’s not necessarily to do with your son, it could be something about you that changes the group dynamic and no one is going to be honest about that.

Maybe it’s time to move on from the larger group and stick with any you have more of a connection with and see them one to one.

Cupoftea391 · 27/01/2020 17:48

Hello, I can understand why you're upset. As the get together was at one of their houses dont tarr them all with the same brush. The host sent out the invites I assume? The others cant say who they want to invite if that makes sense. X

AriadnesFilament · 27/01/2020 18:49

YANBU and this: “ For some reason, parents often experience the same exclusion that ASD kids themselves experience”

desperatesux · 27/01/2020 19:12

I'd ask the one you are closest to, it might have been an over sight or a numbers thing. You are unlikely to get the truth but two things will happen. You will be invited in the future or dropped like a stone. I'd say most likely it is one who is organizing things and they are the one that wants you out. The others probably think you have been invited and declined for whatever reason

Daftodil · 27/01/2020 19:41

YANBU. It always hurts when you feel excluded, especially if you've known them a long time and feel/felt close to them.

Aridane · 27/01/2020 19:52

Oh, I would be upset too

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2020 19:57

I also can see why you'd be hurt, but I'd try to explore it further.and I mean this gently don't assume it's because of your child.

For example, Maybe you've not been to enough things now that they don't naturally think to include uou any more, that the group moved on, but in your head it hasn't, because you've not been to things you haven't seen it and didn't realise.

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