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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sweet meltdown

45 replies

hipslikecinderella · 26/01/2020 11:27

We went to the theatre last night and before we left I told dd (8) there would be no sweets or ice cream as she had eaten a lot of sugar that day.
Lots of whining and saying I'm not coming. Finally she got in the car and continued to whine. She had a friend over, first playdate with us, and I didn't want all the upset. So I said, "Ok girls you can have 50p of pick n mix each. But dd, no sweets tomorrow (we are going to an event where there will be sweets)."
They filled up their bags and we queued to pay, but dd was still going on about tomorrow's sweets. I tried ignoring her and she ended up hitting my arm twice. So I steered her over to stand away from me, and put the pick n mix back.
For the next 15 mins dd cried and wailed I want to go home. Very embarrassing and horrible for her friend. She only stopped when the show started.
This is v unusual for her she is normally so well behaved in public. I feel like such a crap indecisive mum. But sweets are everywhere I'm everything we do and trying to avoid them impossible.
How could I have done this better?

OP posts:
HaveeeeYouMetTed · 26/01/2020 11:31

By not giving in. You said no sweets & you should of stuck at that.
Otherwise every time you say no, she will whinge & will know eventually you'll give in or "compromise".
No means no. Don't say something then not follow through.

poseysbobblehat · 26/01/2020 11:32

Don't give in

DontFundHate · 26/01/2020 11:34

You have confused her by changing your mind about the theatre sweets. You need to be consistent. I actually think it was a nice compromise but that has led to your daughter believing you will change your mind all the time. I don't see the point saying no sweets the next day either, would have been better to limit them too, just a few.

I also hate sweet stuff so at home we are super strict and don't have any at all, so that when we go out I can be more lenient and let Ds have a few.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 26/01/2020 11:36

She is clearly having too many sweets. Our culture is terrible, no wonder we have such a high level of tooth decay in children. Sweets ( preferably only chocolate ) sweet drinks etc should be a once in a blue moon treat, not just because of a play date. I would not thank you for giving my child sweets

Ohnoherewego62 · 26/01/2020 11:37

No sweets this weekend.

Your heart was in the right place but little ones test boundaries all the time. I done it until I was about 20 odd 🤣🤣🤣

Needs to know that you are serious and have follow through. Considering this is unusual, also beforehand the next time, explain that if she behaves like that publicly that she will have to leave and will miss out on the show.

Ponoka7 · 26/01/2020 11:37

Eight can be a terrible age. They think they rule the world.

The only thing you should have done possibly is plan better.
It's a evening out with a friend, the time for sweets/treats. Don't give sugar during the day, if you want to limit it.
Don't talk about the next day, especially in front of her friends.
Don't ignore, it's not pleasant for the people around you.
Does she eat sugar during the week? Perhaps limit it then and allow her to eat it at when out at weekends.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 26/01/2020 11:38

I know I should be consistent.

The problem is my default is "No" and then i immediately feel confused- was I too harsh, is it really that bad. Then I relent.
I need to think longer before my initial decision i think. So hard with everything going on.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/01/2020 11:38

Sweets seem to be disproportionally important to her. I think you have to look at why that is. My lot would never have whinged over sweets (lots of other things but not sweets) but my rules were very much set in stone on them. Basically they were a treat we had somewhere like the theatre but not at home.

Ponoka7 · 26/01/2020 11:40

"explain that if she behaves like that publicly that she will have to leave and will miss out on the show"

The thought generally is that you don't use punishments that punish other children, which that would have done. Likewise not attending parties etc.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 26/01/2020 11:41

How old are your kids twinkly?
Sweets come into the home from outside - her friend had bought them each a magazine with sweetie on the front they had scoffed. The they had also baked.
We had playdates before where the mum brings cookies and a tub of celebrations!

OP posts:
JRUIN · 26/01/2020 11:42

Blimey from your description here your DD sounds like a 2 year old rather than 8! Sorry OP but she seems very spoilt. But saying that, ice cream and/or sweets at the theatre is usually part of the treat for a child, so I wouldn't have allowed mine any/many sweet treats during the day. But I think it's quite worrying how much importance sweets play in your DD's life?

ThePlantsitter · 26/01/2020 11:43

You need a mantra to say to her that you're actually saying to yourself to remind yourself you're being reasonable. So for example if she'd had the sweets yesterday and then having them today came up you could say ' you can't have sweets every day'. Having sweets every day is unreasonable isn't it? She knows it, but really it's about YOU knowing it. Works for me.

goodgodingovan · 26/01/2020 11:44

You've shown her that by whining she gets her own way so that's what she'll do.
Mean No when you say it, do not give in.

goodgodingovan · 26/01/2020 11:46

The thought generally is that you don't use punishments that punish other children, which that would have done. Likewise not attending parties etc.

Whose thought is that generally?

My 3yo knows if he misbehaves at a party or anywhere else then he goes home after 1 warning. As I've followed through with this everytime, it now only takes the warning.

Snoopdogsbitch · 26/01/2020 11:47

Like PP said plan better next time, you were setting yourself up for a fall with no sweets at a time when it's usual for treats: everyone has a treat at the theatre usually, that's part of the trip. None in the day beforehand is the best plan.

On the topic of sweets, all this angst over a treat every so often just makes kids crave them! Not having them in the house at all is so ott. I remember when my eldest was younger it was the same child at parties/ outings that gorged on sugar- laden treats as he was taught they were completely banned at any other time. My son, who had them if requested, sat eating the cucumber, carrots and peppers. Go figure.

Ohnoherewego62 · 26/01/2020 11:48

@ponoka7, Agreed, yes but if she maybe knows the consequences of the outbursts before playdates, she may feel less inclined to behave that way. I disagree about not discussing it. Little one needs to know it's not acceptable to behave like that ( as it is unusual behaviour). Also maybe a reason behind it- tired, sugar overload etc if you dont address the issue then you cant remedy it. I do think this needs to be a private conversation also.

In her head- I've just shouted and screamed and mum has given me what I wanted in the first place. Mum didnt mean it when she said no.

(Btw I think you sound like a lovely mum) I only know this as I used it until mid teens because it worked!! Looking back, its mortifying!

You're not a bad mum or too strict for putting boundaries in place. Children and adults alike need them. It's how we function or wed be lawless creatures.

Dellow · 26/01/2020 11:49

If you take the emotion out of it and look at it scientifically. Behaviourally you have inadvertently created a ‘variable schedule’ - a system of reinforcement which maintains a behaviour more strongly when it is rewarded only sometimes. This principle works exactly the same with everything from a goldfish or dog to a human. In a textbook the standard example they give is a slot machine where the player gets rewarded now and again and creates the desire to play on it more. The behaviour you are accidentally maintaining is the whining ( by giving in after extended whining etc). The only way to deal with the problem is to absolutely never give in to it. Otherwise she is rewarded for continuing to whine and whine not know if it will pay in the end. Hence the behaviour being maintained. Hard to do as a parent though!

Whynosnowyet · 26/01/2020 11:49

Yabu to not have kept her sweet /sugar allowance for during the show....

Tombliwho · 26/01/2020 11:52

You have acknowledged you need to work on consistency. She sounds a bit hung up on sweets so I'd actually be really cutting back in them and mean it too.
My 7 year old can have sweets at parties or if he is given some from a kid at school on their birthday, things like that. Otherwise it's a no really and there's no negotiation to be had.

Pilot12 · 26/01/2020 11:54

If you knew you were taking her and her friend to the theatre you should not have let her have sweet treats during the day. You should have told her she had to eat healthy during the day because she was going to be treated to sweets later. You can't go to the theatre and not let her and her friend have a little treat when everyone else is, it's part of the theatre experience.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 26/01/2020 11:55

The sweets were on a magazine the friend brought and then they baked sugary cupcakes. I was trying to make it a nice playdate

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 26/01/2020 11:57

I'm not sure if you gave her a warning that if she continued to whinge about the following day she'd lose the sweets you were about to buy. If you did, then I'd have done the same. A clear explanation of the expected behaviour and the consequence if not followed.
If she didn't get a warning then I can see why she got upset.

Spied · 26/01/2020 11:58

At an event such as theatre I'd just have let her enjoy some sweets and enjoy the theatre experience tbh. I'd not want the event to be marred by sweet-gate.
I'd have planned ahead and limited the sugar in the days/hours prior if it was such an issue to me.

JRUIN · 26/01/2020 12:02

Maybe you should have had them bake cheese scones instead then OP. How many of those sugary cupcakes did you allow them to 'scoff.'

crustycrab · 26/01/2020 12:03

I'd have let her have the sweets in the first place if it was a fun day with a friend but the minute you say no, it's no.

I can't believe you put the pick and mix back!! You can't do that once it's been chosen and mixed into the bag 😳😳