Marriage in a rut

[Charmali]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married 6 years. We have two children, 4 and 10 months.
We both work. I work four days per week. My husband works full time. My decision to go back on a four day week after maternity was based on the fact that I shoulder the burden of all the home/family admin and it was almost impossible to see to it all on a five day week with one child before the baby came along. Financially, we haven't been hit as I was due a pay rise any way - so it all evened out in terms of salary.
Often, if I'm feeling overwhelmed my husband will point out that I only work four days a week so I shouldn't be complaining. If I ask him for help with the children he turns vile and says I'm lucky to have the children so shouldn't be yapping looking help. This is not the case. Sometimes there just isn't enough hours in the day. I am so grateful for my children and doing things for them is never a chore. I just feel that things could be done better for them if both parents chip in. I have accepted my fate and I no longer ask for help.
We never talk. If I try to start a conversation he either grunts at me, tells me it's too late to chat as he wants to relax, or turns it into a full scale row. It's hard never having someone to chat about my day with. He spends a lot of time chatting on his phone to people but I don't really have that option as by the time I get everything done it's too late to start phoning people.
We spend every evening in silence. I suggested that on a sat night we could maybe sit on the same sofa and watch a movie. He's not so keen. I suggested that we could have a "date night" in the house - can't get out much due to childcare ( mum helps me a lot whilst I'm at work and I feel that her weekend should be her own and MIL isn't really very interested in my kids as she has so many grandchildren). This hasn't happened either.
We could drive for two hours and not exchange two words. If I try to start a convo he rolls his eyes and grunts.
I am self sufficient financially so don't need him to buy me gifts etc. But some gesture would be nice - I have suggested maybe joining me when I'm out walking with the children. Again, this has been turned down.
He says he loves me. He says he wants to be with me. But I feel so deflated and lonely.
I guess what I want to know is AIBU or is this just married life and I need to accept it.

No it's not how married life should be, and no you don't have to accept it.

But you know that really, hence posting.

Question is, are you going to put up with it?

This is not married life, it sounds miserable and he sounds awful. He turns vile and says you are lucky to have kids just because you ask for help?! They are his children too. It sounds like you are trying to make an effort with him and he just can't be bothered. I'd leave for sure.

You don't need to put up with this, it sounds miserable. I work full time and DH part time but not for one minute would I think that that absolves me of all household or family responsibility. More to the point, I wouldn't want to isolate myself like that from family life.
Sitting in silence every evening sounds terrible. He says he loves you but doesn't seem to show it in any way. It's difficult to see from your OP why you would stay with him.

That isn’t my experience if married life after 10 years, 3 young children and I also work 4 days.

LTB!!!

He’s making it pretty obvious that he’s not enjoying family life. He rolls his eyes when you try to have a conversation with him yet happily chats to other people in your company?

It really sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you.

He sounds truly awful OP, does he have any good points?

The leisure time you both have at the end of each day is equal, if he's got time to phone other people eaxh evening but you're too busy that shows you're shouldering a lot more of the burden.

If you think it is worth salvaging then I think it's really time for an ultimatum. I think you really need to say that you're not happy, you're doing more than your fair share and you're not happy to just be ignored and grunted at your entire life.

But before that I think I would see a solicitor and at least get some legal advice about divorcing as I think you need to be prepared for that eventuality.

Thank you everyone. I guess I have some thinking to do xx

He does zero parenting, zero domestic chores, won't chat to you, won't spend time with you, won't spend time together the 4 of you yet has plenty of time to chat with his friends/ family on the phone whilst you are doing the donkey work.

That's not a rut, that's a marriage going down the drain.
I'm similar to you, work PT to deal with extra childcare and life admin, both have high pressure jobs with late calls which scupper our evening time, and travel. 2 DC at Primary.

We got into a bit of a stagnant routine a few years ago and decided to dedicate one night a week to date night - either we go out to dinner/theatre/film, or, more often, we stay in but one of us cooks a more complicated meal (or takeaway if very busy). That night we eat alone together instead of with DC, talk about stuff, and spend the evening together watching a film or something. Also try to spend at least 1 other evening a week together.

We share the parenting chores pretty equally, and have a cleaner plus share domestic chores too. Each have time off to do our own interests.

Your DH is taking the piss. I think it's time for an ultimatum and for him to see what's on the line.

Oh OP, it sounds awful. I agree with PP, this is not normal.

My DH has his faults (as do I!) but after 12 years' together he's still my favourite person in the world, he makes me laugh every day and there's so much good in the relationship, even when we're going through a rough patch.

It sounds like you're making so much effort, and to be honest he comes across like a selfish dick.

Would you be happier without him? You probably already know the answer.

You deserve to be happy.

That's not how you treat someone you love. I would feel very lonely.

Has he always been a mardy arse or has this been since having children?

I would ask him how he can say he loves you, when he acts like he doesn't even like you

Honestly, what was your parents' relationship like growing up that you think even for a second that this is normal?

He says he loves me

His actions scream the opposite.

I think you might be better on your own, getting maintenance from him and help with other stuff. Look at that, as he is n help or support in day to day life, rather bringing you down!

These would be the actions of a decent partner who loved you.

It's how you deserve to be treated.

This is not married life. He sounds like a dreadful husband. Does he ever spend any time with the children? Do you ever go out and leave him with the kids?
His attitude towards you spending time with him is disgusting - he doesn’t want to talk to you, tells you you are lucky to have the children, and basically ignores you.
You would be better off on your own.
In my own life, we both work FT and we both do everything for the kids - we both do a LOT of chores. We both look after the kids, we love to spend time as a family.

The mistake you're making is thinking he needs to help you with the children. He doesn't. He needs to parent his own children! I agree that you need to sit him down and have a serious chat. Maybe get your DM to sit the kids so that there won't be interruptions (I'm sure she'd do this extra sitting as a one off for your benefit). Tell him that it's not working for you any longer and if you can't agree some changes then your only option will be to consider separating.

It's very easy to say I love you to someone but it's how we treat each other that proves it. The fact that he won't even try to have a conversation or to do things with you suggests he has no interest in the marriage at all. I would bet if you split up he'll act like this is all so sudden and why are you doing this to him.

I couldn't live the rest of my life in your relationship, you're supposed to enjoy and spend time with your partner. Not sit in silence or get an argument for daring to speak.

No this isn't normal I could live like that at all, he sounds vile.

You are all correct and thank you so much for taking the time to tell me what I think I already knew.
Not once has anybody told me I'm mad or wrong.
Thank you

Not normal and you don't have to accept it. So sorry that he sounds like such a bastard. Big hugs to you.

Sorry about this situation. That’s not a rut: a rut is when you aren’t making enough effort with each other and maybe take each other a bit for granted. This sounds like a very unhappy marriage rather than a rut, I’m sorry to say

Your not mad or wrong. The least you can expect from your husband is for him to be on your side.
I’m sure none of us have perfect marriages but if your partner doesn’t support you, want you to be happy or enjoy your company then I don’t think that relationship is meeting the most basic standard.

I’ve been with my husband nearly as long and if he treated me like I would’ve been gone. You certainly deserve better. What an arse.

This isn’t a happy life for any of you , what message us it sending to your children.
That’s parents are unhappy , dads don’t take any interest in them
It doesn’t sound like a marriage worth saving
I think you need to give him an ultimatum change, marriage counselling or you want a divorce
If you do split and he sees the kids part time he will have more involvement than now & you. Will have more time
Your life sounds miserable & you’d be much happier without him