Marriage in a rut

[Charmali]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married 6 years. We have two children, 4 and 10 months.
We both work. I work four days per week. My husband works full time. My decision to go back on a four day week after maternity was based on the fact that I shoulder the burden of all the home/family admin and it was almost impossible to see to it all on a five day week with one child before the baby came along. Financially, we haven't been hit as I was due a pay rise any way - so it all evened out in terms of salary.
Often, if I'm feeling overwhelmed my husband will point out that I only work four days a week so I shouldn't be complaining. If I ask him for help with the children he turns vile and says I'm lucky to have the children so shouldn't be yapping looking help. This is not the case. Sometimes there just isn't enough hours in the day. I am so grateful for my children and doing things for them is never a chore. I just feel that things could be done better for them if both parents chip in. I have accepted my fate and I no longer ask for help.
We never talk. If I try to start a conversation he either grunts at me, tells me it's too late to chat as he wants to relax, or turns it into a full scale row. It's hard never having someone to chat about my day with. He spends a lot of time chatting on his phone to people but I don't really have that option as by the time I get everything done it's too late to start phoning people.
We spend every evening in silence. I suggested that on a sat night we could maybe sit on the same sofa and watch a movie. He's not so keen. I suggested that we could have a "date night" in the house - can't get out much due to childcare ( mum helps me a lot whilst I'm at work and I feel that her weekend should be her own and MIL isn't really very interested in my kids as she has so many grandchildren). This hasn't happened either.
We could drive for two hours and not exchange two words. If I try to start a convo he rolls his eyes and grunts.
I am self sufficient financially so don't need him to buy me gifts etc. But some gesture would be nice - I have suggested maybe joining me when I'm out walking with the children. Again, this has been turned down.
He says he loves me. He says he wants to be with me. But I feel so deflated and lonely.
I guess what I want to know is AIBU or is this just married life and I need to accept it.

Oh dear, this is no way to live. From your thread title I thought you were going to say that your conversation and/or sex life was getting a little stale. Thats what I think of as a rut.

He sounds terrible OP... and cruel to you - not the actions of a loving husband. I can't imagine any reason to stay married to a man who treats you so horribly.

I wouldn't stay married to that. Stuck in a rut or not, he's also putting in zero effort and refusing to meet you halfway for childcare or date night ideas and he puts you down and turns "vile" on you.

It doesn't sound like he even likes you very much

He sounds horrible. I wouldnt bother with counselling. Its brilliant that you have a decently paid part-time job and could potentially manage without him?
I would be looking to split up. Nothing there worth fighting for.

Please don't stay. Take some time working out what/where/how. Get some legal advice. Get well ahead in the preparation stakes and leave when you are ready.

You've tried and he's ignored. Don't tell him that you want a divorce before you are ready to leave/have him leave. Even if that means the first thing he knows about it is the divorce paperwork.

I had the same issue after we had a baby and did find individual and couples counselling helpful as well as a few final warning talks. Counselling for yourself can really help to work out what you want and where your boundaries are. Couples counselling helped to lay everything out when we were both prepared to listen and I guess on our best behaviour with a 3rd party there. I have had to drive change and pursue things I want for myself even if DH hasnt initially been supportive but this has really helped me find my own happiness regardless of what then happens in my marriage and has also shown DH that he doesn't get to dictate the family by checking out or being an arsehole. If he had refused couples counselling then I would have ended it. I also found lundy bancroft"s 'why does he do that' essential reading because although DH wasnt abusive he had shown some controlling behaviour and I found the book helpful to confirm that his behaviour was intentional to gain 'special privileges' like no night feeds and being able to swan off to the garden to vape for hours. I never cracked the night feeds but I fought fire with fire on other areas (like lending him money which would never be paid back) and those special privileges have been revoked. Things are better and of course there is the option to leave at any time.