To be fed up with life in general

[Goawayimfedup]

Name changed for this..
Im very recently a single mum to a 2 year old and 25 weeks pregnant with my second. Same dad for both.. we split up about two months ago because I felt that he felt he was more important than us, his needs always came first, it was always a struggle to pay our rent because he would spend the money on himself first etc you get the gist. My health has been slightly deteriorating since before we split up and this is part of the reason, I have a csf leak (leaking spinal fluid) which causes me awful migraines and pressure every day. He wouldn’t help with our toddler or around the house. He does work full time but when he got home it would be straight to laying on the sofa or straight to the pub. Either way no help.

Anyway on to my proper post - I wasn’t working before I got pregnant as my toddler wasn’t in nursery yet and we weren’t eligible for child care/couldn’t afford it/my wages wouldn’t even be enough. Now I am eligible for 15 hours as I’m single and claim universal credit so I have got her into a local nursery but still can’t find a job as she only goes for three hours a day. Also the fact that I’m visibly pregnant/supposed to be on bed rest with my illness.
I’ve stayed in our rented home which is one of the cheapest two beds around anyway but I still cannot afford the rent on full universal credit - I only receive £1479 a month and my rent is £1200. That leaves me with £279 spare. I’m on a debt plan which is £80 a month (I pay this with the £82 child benefit I receive) and I can’t come off it or I will have bailiffs at my door.. then I have to pay for food, my gas and electric is £65 a month my water is £25, internet £20 etc. Now my daughter is growing out of her clothes and shoes and I don’t know how I’m going to get her new ones. Right now I don’t get paid til the middle of feb and I already have nothing left. I have hardly any food in so I’m going to have to borrow money for that as it is.
Every week when my ex gets paid I ask if he can help me but it’s always “I can’t this week I have other things to pay” etc. I’m just feeling so fed up of having nothing already, it’s pure misery and I feel so heart broken thinking I can’t give my daughter even some things she needs. I can’t even afford to take her swimming anymore and it was only a fiver a time. We used to go every Monday. Every morning on the way to school she asks for swimming. I can’t spend my life borrowing money just so we can eat but what option do I have at the moment if I can’t work?

Sorry you're going through such a hard time OP.
I don't know much about UC but sounds like you might also be entitled to the limited capability for work element of UC which is roughly an extra £330 per month, CAB would help you look into it.
Also a friend of mine was in a similar position to you and got some lovely free baby things from her health visitor.
Hope things get better soon

@Ilovechinese with my council I have an account that you pay council tax order bins etc from, at the top there’s an option for housing and check your position on the register. Not sure if it would be the same in your borough but you could always ring and ask.

Thank you for all your mind replies, I haven’t tried looking into food banks and second hand baby things yet but I will.
It’s pretty devastating to think I can only feed my own child via food banks.
I’m not sure I would be entitled to the limited capability benefit because my illness is “short term” but if anyone knows any details about it I’d like to know. Thanks

Kind replies sorry

OP don't feel bad about using food banks. When I donate a few items here and there I hope to help someone in need and you definitely are.

Do you get free swimming with your maternity exemption card? I used to and took my toddler for free as under 8s are free. So free for both of us. You have to ask the pool receptionist as they don't advertise free swimming for pregnancy.

You should watch you tube ‘ How to get a council house’ because there is no help now for single mums. I have many friends who have lied through their teeth to get a council home, playing the game. Anyone who doesn’t just doesn’t get a council home. It makes me sick but it’s the truth today. You have to play the victim. Rents are so high and benefits are too low to live on. I have one very moral friend but who is forced out to work with the council quite happy to pay huge nursery fees for her two very young kids while she works herself ill while just trying to exist. Why can’t they just support people properly for a short while until the kids are in school and it’s easier to work around those times.

Sounds tough. You may be able to get a grant from a charity to help you - grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/. Or your local advice centre may be able to help you with these.

Ask the council for discretionary housing payments until you can work again

Hi there sorry you are having such a rough time of it.Sometimes everything seems to come at once doesnt it? I would ask your midwife about help with swimming trips ,it seems a shame when your DD enjoys them so much not to be able to take her ,and is good exercise for you as well .Can your family help do you think? I would look into using a food bank or maybe local Churches may be able to help? I buy food most weeks for foodbanks and there is no shame in using them at all.I just think of it as helping friends out .The real shame is a wealthy Western govt not supporting people properly!

Do you have a baby bank type place near to you? Our local one helps families with children aged 5 and under ie shoes, blankets, clothes, buggies etc.

Also have heard of SureStart helping people in need, someone else may know more or ask your health visitor/midwife.

Sorry you are finding things so tough, it sounds awful and a really shit set of circumstance.
Speak to your midwife about getting support in the community, you can also reach out to your toddlers health visitor. Local to me is loads of clubs and centres where there are free classes and drops in and they have lots of support services, I’m sure you will have them too.

Re maintenance from your ex - he does not have a choice to pay. If he has income then he has to pay. It is better for all if it’s privately arranged because the service do take a cut of the money for processing it but at least they have the power to force / deduct payment from wages.
Do not back down or accept any of this “I’ve got other things to pay for” crap from the ex, he HAS to pay by law (assuming he’s earning).
Good luck

Ask your midwife if there are any baby banks nearby that may be able to help with larger clothes for your 2yo, and some nappies/wipes for the new baby.

There are experts who can help you. CAB, Surestart, Shelter (you are at risk of homelessness due to your changed circumstances). You'll become exhausted trying to sort it all out yourself. As others have said, your ex has to contribute. If you have do go down the legal route, so be it. He seriously needs to grow up.

Don't be embarrassed about using a foodbank, they can be a link to other forms of support. When I (a grandmother) put a few bits in ours, I hope they help someone like you and your child.

Contact your council and ask for a discretionary housing benefit form. They will help with additional housing costs. The form is a ball ache but they will help.
You say your family is not local... Is it worth moving and staying with them and going on the council housing list there?

It looks hopeless at the moment, but this will not be forever. Do try and get a job, anything as it will hold you in good stead when the kids go to school.
Or maybe after your baby is born how about going to university to study for an NHS career. Podiatry is 9-5 weekends off. Nurses are always required too and you will need a career when the children are older.
I went through around 6 years absolutely skint to the max, I had my own house so didn't qualify for any benefits.
After I'd paid everything I had £15 left, this was back in the 90's.
I put the time to good use and studied so that when my son was in full time education I had a good career, that is the only way forward if you want a decent life so start thinking about what you are good at and want to do and study to get there.

What about Women's Aid?

I know a lady in not dissimilar circumstances and her biggest help came from WA. On top of the basics they got her grants for equipment. She told them very baldly what her ex dp was like in order to get their help. You can say yours is financially abusive and anything else he's done.

The person suggesting breastfeeding as a solution to ops financial worries re formula etc .... Breastfeeding doesn't work for some women due to nk fault of their own and can be very hard & challenging for most women . Seems like that would put tremendous pressure on op on too of everything else she's trying to deal with - and she had s toddler to look after to boot!

Lots of people can only get breast feeding established because they can give lots of time to it, often stuck under a feeding new born every hour - be side they have lots of help from. partner/family. In addition lots of women report trying to breastfeed affects their mental health.

I'm actually pro breast feeding in principle, but you have to be realistic and not put a source of more pressure on op.

It’s worth a try, re the breastfeeding though.

I honestly would consider looking at a cheaper area OP. It seems it is your rent swallowing most of your monthly income.

How much does your ex earn?
And no he can’t just reject the letter. Where on Earth did you hear that. If he has a normal PAYE job there’s not a lot he can do to avoid it. Obviously if he doesn’t then it’s a different story

Would you be able to claim the disability element of UC due to your csf leak?

That's a lot of rent so I'm going to assume you're not too far from London. Can you relocate much (much) further up north? Are you able to rent privately instead of a council house? I don't know anything about UC sorry, but would you not get help paying your rent to a landlord if you find one who is willing to accept your circumstances?

Your ex by the way is a total prick!

My church runs a food project. We feed anyone that turns up one day a week a two course hot dinner. We also signpost to the appropriate people and have arranged other assistance so baby equipment and cooking utensils have been donated to people that need some help.

Hi OP I don't know if this helps at all but in our local authority you move down the housing list if your account isn't active all the time, is, you've got to keep "bidding" on the properties that are available each week even if you know you've no chance of getting one. Your eligibility shouldn't be going down so something is wrong there. Have you got a sick note from your GP for your illness? Is your current pregnancy registered in your housing account properly? I've worked with women who had told the council they were pregnant but that fact hasn't been updated on their housing account correctly so they hadn't been given the extra priority for it so you need to check this has been done properly. Also there's other things that can add to your priority rating for housing, such as needing to be near school or nursery, family, place of worship etc. Can you ring your local council tomorrow and ask if they have a support service for residents who are applying for housing? Most councils have something of the kind. Have you applied to Housing Associations as well? Your local council will have a list. Shelter also can help. If you have a local Sure Start/ Children's Centre (ask your Midwife if not sure) they should have family support workers who can apply for grants for baby stuff etc. You need help with all this you can't do this on your own. I hope things get better for you really soon

Churches and food banks are excellent ideas to avert a short term crisis.

In the long term however, OP can’t afford her rent.

I find it hard to believe you were told by an employee of the CSA would have told you that the father of your child and child to be could 'reject' a letter.
You're circumstances sound identical to many young women who are not in a position to work.
It's a requirement that your ex supports his children, he can't 'reject' that

What is your relationship with your family? Could you just 'go home' and live with them? It may be that you have to share a bedroom with the children but it would be a more safe and secure place to be (assuming your family are good people /have decent housing etc)