Feel desperately inadequate as a mother

[Rumdiddly]

Have been out this evening with my family as my 2.5 year old. I couldn't put clips together and fasten her into her pushchair. Feel hugely inadequate but the reality is that I have hardly ever used the thing. I work full time in a demanding job and it has really driven home to me how little time we get together that I can't get the blasted thing to work as I have used it so infrequently. She spends Monday to Friday with her nanny. At the weekend we tend to go swimming or places that I either carry her or it is a quick dash into the activity from the car. Just realised that this isn't the life that I wanted for myself or my daughter.

I think you're massively overreacting here. I used my pushchairs (had a few ones) all the time and the amount of times I've struggled! I even threw one in frustration once!! You're providing for your child, you take her to activities, you love her so much you're freaking out about being an inadequate parent over clips on a pushchair! You're being way to hard on yourself.

I didn't want to read & run.
Mum guilt is the absolute worst & we all feel it for one reason or another. Usually over something minor in the grand scheme of things. She won't be using the push chair for much longer I'd imagine anyway so I wouldn't worry about not being able to do the clips.
Are you in a position to be able to change jobs or hours so you're at home more?
The time you do have together, make special. You don't have to always go out or spend money but just make memories - crafts, build dens, make up silly stories.

Just to be clear my child wasn't in the pushchair when I threw it...

@Mummypigisalwaysright - that made me giggle 🤭

@mummypigisalwaysright this was soo me with my sons pram. Couldnt close the stupid thing so crammed it into the car still up! Bought a different one soon after.
OP, you sound like a great mum to me. It really is just modern life. I bet your son absolutely loves the fun you have together at the weekend. No pushchair required!

I guess it just brought home to me the reality of being a working mother. Essentially you don't actually get to be a mother. My own mother was looking at me aghast. Of course she was a stay at home mum and I think it brought home for her how little time I spend with her granddaughter. It is so tough isn't it. Would love to drop my hours and move roles however the relationship with my partner isn't as steady as I would like it to be so making sure financially myself and my daughter are in a strong position

I feel you. I also work full time (45hr week minimum) in a demanding job. I’m the main breadwinner so I can’t just change jobs or reduce my hours (oh if it were so easy!!!). Please don’t feel guilty, you are setting a great example for your daughter. I’m sure she’s happy and well-cared for and that’s what matters. All my friends and most of my female family members of my generation work too and all of our children are happy and healthy.

And of course you get to be a mother. One thing that helped me was adding up the awake time that is being spent with me vs at nursery (so naps don’t count). It wasn’t as bad as I thought (almost 50/50).

I still remember with horror the first trip into town with my firstborn, aged about nine days. I’d popped her into the car seat, put the prom in the boot and set off with a degree of smugness. I parked and got the prom out. I couldn’t open it. I tried every which way but how. I could no more get it up and ready than I could have swum the Atlantic. I struggled for about half an hour then burst into tears. I couldn’t think straight and just became a blubbering wreck. Luckily a kindly older woman came to my rescue and had the prom up in seconds, literall.
I wasn’t back at work so the idea it only happens to working mothers is just silly and guilt inducing. Most of us do our best. A high chair strap being difficult won’t be your hardest challenge but can seem so at the time. Forget it. It really doesn’t matter.

I practiced for weeks putting up my pram and taking it down, could do it in seconds by the time baby was born. Once it actually came to doing it for the baby though I totally forgot and still struggle occasionally six months later. Also didn't realise the one I bought had a weird strap button (totally safe, just can't undo it without knowing the knack) and so that was fun trying to figure that out before the appointment to register her.
We've had our pushchair for a few months now, only really use it on short journeys and used it two days ago, it's still up by the front door because my partner can't put it down and I keep forgetting to do it as it's out of the way down there.
I've also been stopped in the street by grandparents of children I work for asking for help with the pushchair as they don't know how to work it and having to admit I have no idea too

Oh and high chairs - I've decided I never want to see it again after taking the straps off to wash and not being able to put them back on. We now use her walker which she isn't quite tall enough as it has a food tray under the activity section and I don't have to mess about with straps

That must have been very tough for you with your DM looking on.

I was going to suggest you move job or something till I saw the bit about your relationship. I can understand you wanting to secure your financial future.

Would it help to go a bit slower at the weekend, rather than doing lots of activities? I’ve found my nicest parenting moments happen when we’re just sort of wandering, not doing anything terribly fancy.

Is there any flexibility in your work at all, where perhaps you could work a nine-day fortnight or something?

I’ve had 3 kids and for different reasons, after each was born I...

• went back to work when my baby 4 months old,
• took 1 year off,
• took 3 years off.

I can honestly say that how soon I went back to work had nothing to do with the bond I had with my child.

Mums feel guilty regardless. I felt so guilty for going back to work early, but when I took extended maternity leave I felt just as guilty.

Do what you can.

What you are describing is why I gave up my career and worked part time in a shop for years. No amount of money (or career) would be worth missing out on the years I’ve had with them. I know it’s an individual decision for everyone (and many don’t have a choice) but we chose to struggle financially for a few years so I could be home on the weekdays (I worked a lot of evenings and weekends, which was also a sacrifice but they were always with at least once parent). I know the “trad wife” thing is looked down upon but I’ve loved being a mum first and foremost all these years and think the children has benefitted too.

I am a stay at home mum (got made redundant just before finally getting pregnant with one who stuck and if I went back to work would only bring in about 100 per month after nursery fees. I hardly ever use my baatard pram as I can stand putting it up/taking it down/doing the straps or driving the fucker. I either walk with my w year old or stick her in the sling. Your daughter is safe and well looked after by someone while you work and you spend your weekends doing stuff with her. She is loved, stable and fine. We all have mum guilt for all sorts of reasons. I feel guilty that in the evening I normally pass our little one over to her papà while I cook/try and put the house back together after a day of mayhem together. It always makes me feel like I am fobbing her off the second I get the chance.

I use the forward facing bit of my pram every day , and have done for the last 4 months some days twice or three times a day. Every day I still struggle to get the straps shut . Please don't be hard on yourself , your doing the best you can .

You feel like jacking in your job because your mum made a face at you when struggling with the pram?? Maaaaate this is an over reaction. Have a funny day at home tomorrow with the kiddo and do fun, messy jobs and some relaxing. This is a very temporary problem that does not need a permanent solution. A moment of shame does not mean upending your life (staying solvent is huge if your relationship is rocky).

Working full time is really really hard

For you it’s the buggy , for me it’s being too knackered to engage
And screaming through tiredness

Don’t be too hard on yourself

I had to be shown by a nice lady in a car park how to get my pram up........

It really really isn’t just you.

Mum guilt is HORRIFIC.

for you. We’ve all been there.

@cherrypavlova your story reminds me of the time I saw an older couple struggling with a pushchair in a supermarket car park. They were clearly out with their grandchild for the first time and they couldn't get the blasted thing up. I popped over to help and got it up (I'd had a similar one) and as they thanked me I was like " no, don't worry, they're all absolute nightmares nowadays". The grandad looked at me funny. Didn't realise til after that he probably thought I was talking about kids not pushchairs!

I sure you are not an I adequately mother. Deciding you want a different life balance is a different thing though.

Is your mother usually so judgy? Did she not think to step in and help?

Essentially you don't get to be a mother

What a load of bollocks. Mum guilt it terrible but how offensive to the millions of mothers who work full time. I work full time and I am definitely a mother. A bloody good one in fact. I know working mothers miss out of things but it's a choice I've made and so have millions of others.

Typos I am sure you are not an inadequate mother

You’re her mum and she loves you. I work full time and mine love me.

However, I do completely understand what you mean and I’m struggling with it too. You’re not alone in feeling this way and I like to think that the fact we stress over this makes us good mums!

I once watched a dad close a pram... With the child still in it. I bet he wouldn't have been straight on here stating he was a shit dad.

I’ve got three kids, youngest is 2.5 and I’ve been a SAHM for a lot of the time. I still can’t work bloody pushchair/pushchair straps/highchair/car seat straps/fitting sometimes, I’m not even joking.

In the nicest possible way, give your head a wobble, get over it and feel confident and happy in the choices you have made for you and your family. Different choices are right for different families and you don’t have to justify them to or compare them with anyone else, I am sure you’re doing a FINE JOB.

If you are not happy with the way things are then maybe now is the time to review it - there are always things that can be changed if you need to. But I can assure you that very few work/home/childcare situations are perfect and you must not beat yourself up over things not being perfect because there is no such thing!