Feel desperately inadequate as a mother

[Rumdiddly]

Have been out this evening with my family as my 2.5 year old. I couldn't put clips together and fasten her into her pushchair. Feel hugely inadequate but the reality is that I have hardly ever used the thing. I work full time in a demanding job and it has really driven home to me how little time we get together that I can't get the blasted thing to work as I have used it so infrequently. She spends Monday to Friday with her nanny. At the weekend we tend to go swimming or places that I either carry her or it is a quick dash into the activity from the car. Just realised that this isn't the life that I wanted for myself or my daughter.

You are not inadequate Mum at all. You do a lot: full time job, swimming, going to places. Don’t beat yourself up. I’m SAHM. I struggled with closing/opening our pushchair massively and then with putting DD into her car seat. My fine motor skills are not great in general and in a mix with pressure to be a perfect efficient mum .... I think you were upset how it looked for your family and this thought actually made the situation worse.

Don’t judge yourself so harshly over a buggy - those things are designed by the devil himself. I don’t drive so basically just left the stupid things up and let DP deal with it if we were taking it in the car somewhere.

I just haven’t got the knack with a lot of baby equipment (ring tie baby slings should just all spontaneously combust - I cried actual tears over one of those fuckers), it’s not that unusual. The baby/toddler group I used to take dd to would have a group of mothers all surreptitiously avoiding putting away the baby walkers because most of us couldn’t get the blasted things down

Either way I can guarantee that everyone feels like they’re failing at some area of parenting - we’re all desperately trying to hide our failings! You working isn’t as big an issue as you think it is, it’s just how life is in your family and completely normal.

Just to reiterate - buggies are bastards.

When DD2 was a few weeks old I took her (and toddler DD1) out by myself for the first time. When we got out of the car I popped the newborn carrier onto the pram chassis and off we went. All fine until we went to get back in the car and I couldn't remove the newborn carrier from the pram. I tried for half an hour, growing more and more panicked as time went by. DH was abroad with work so I had to call my DF to come and rescue us I'm 34 years old.

Meant to say, I'm a SAHM and still can't work the fucking thing. Be kind to yourself OP.

Honestly buggies are bloody evil!
I'm a sahm to four (and have two step) and I've lost count of my many parenting fails I've locked one in the car with the keys in, I put the isofix car seat on the base and then realised I couldn't get it off and needed to clip it on the buggy wheels, they've rolled off beds, fell down stairs when trying to fly like superman.....
The list goes on.
We are all just winging it even the ones who look in control and like they have it all sorted.
Be kind to yourself and ignore the judges arseholes.

If you were a SAHM you'd possibly just be fighting with the damn thing daily!

Caroline Criado Perez's book Invisible Women really opened my eyes to the fact that so many products are designed for average male hand strength.

I got my niece's buggy stuck in some automatic doors at a leisure centre once with her in it!

You’re being too hard on yourself. I’ve used DD’s pram loads but randomly couldn’t remember how to fold it up the other day, and I always struggle with the straps on her car seat despite having used it most days for the last 18 months or so.

I also work full time, and do struggle with Mum guilt at times, especially when DH does the majority of nursery pick ups / drop offs and I hardly ever get to chat to the staff (I make sure I do at least one per week). However I’m happy and secure in my choices and know we’ve reached a balance that works best for our family. If you aren’t happy with the way things are then you need to make a change. For example, I do compressed hours so although I’m full time and the days are long I actually only work 4 rather than 5 and get a day of with DD just the two of us. Is this a possibility for you (apologies, I’m sure you’ve already thought of this). I have set times for when I get the housework done and what I don’t fit in can wait until next time so I know I have time to unwind and enjoy my family. We also do very little in the way of structured activities. We get out and about but as and when we want to, without pressure. It’s important to have relaxed down time. However, the fact that you rarely use your pram as you’re in the car / carrying her between activities certainly doesn’t make you an inadequate mother. It sounds to me like you’re packing lots into the weekend and spending quality time with her.

I have to disagree with your statement essentially you don’t get to be a mother. I absolutely am a mother and a good one. I adore my DD, tuck her in most nights (but let DH take a turn too), provide for her, keep her safe, sit down to eat with her whenever possible and spend genuine quality time with her whenever I can. She also adores me and while she spends a lot of time with the staff at nursery (who she also adores) I’m very much her mother.

As for your mum’s reaction, I’d just ignore. She made the choice that suited her and you’ve made the one that suits you.

@CherryPavlova you know it's called a prAM and not a prOm don't you? Genuinely asking because you've typed prom more than once and I'm hoping you're about to have an epiphany and realise you've been saying it wrong all this time

OP, it is the smallest of things like this that make us doubt ourselves. It sounds like you're doing what you need to do RIGHT NOW for your daughter. Once you're independent financially you might be able to choose a different path, but for now you're doing the right thing for her x

I'm a working mum, and struggle with the bastard car seat straps every morning on the way to nursery. We've had the same car seat for two years but I just cannot get the hang on it. DC will joyfully tell me, 'mummy hates car seat'. Don't beat yourself up, OP. It's shit when you see yourself struggling through the eyes of someone else but this doesn't define you as a mother.

Rumdiddly Do you have anyone that supports you? Your mother doesn't sound at all supportive. and neither does your partner.
I can't imagine looking at someone aghast because of some fiddly clips.

I work part time and use the pram a fair bit. Could never do the arm straps. And when I did the little monkey always managed to eascape anyway. Havent used them in ages. I'd even forgotten they were there!

The first time I took my daughter out in the pram, I couldn't get it up so put the car seat on the ground while I tried to set up the pram bit. Eventually managed it but not before it reduced me to tears and then I somehow tripped over the car seat, turning it upside down with my daughter dangling in it, while I sobbed on the ground with bleeding knees.

Anyway it sounds like you do lots of lovely activities with your daughter and spend lots of quality time at the weekend. My mum was a SAHP and a lot of her time was taken up by chores, I remember being dragged around the shops a lot and playing out a lot while she got on with stuff in the house. It sounds like the time you do have together, you make the most of it. I'm sure most kids would rather go in the car to an activity rather than a walk in the buggy

Ph also my daughter fell out the pram when she was little as I hadn't attached it properly to the base and it tipped. I have never felt so awful.