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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible for child to have contact with a grandparent I’m NC with?

33 replies

SidsWife · 25/01/2020 19:38

I’m going NC with my father for various reasons. However, my children love their grandad and I would be happy for them to retain a relationship, just not sure how to facilitate this if I’m NC. Is this a reasonable thing to do? My auntie had suggested me dropping them to her when my father is in the area and her taking them to see him. Not sure if this will be upsetting for the children or just plain weird. Had anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
june2007 · 25/01/2020 19:42

Thw Auntie way seems very reasonable. I known children to contact grandparents but not parents so why not.

DukeChatsworth · 25/01/2020 19:48

I’m sure you have you’re reasons and each family is unique, but may I ask.... if your father is bad enough that you can’t face contact with him, would that not translate to you wanting to protect your children from the same issues?

I’m not being goady. I’m just struggling to imagine letting my child see someone I can’t stand to have contact with. Genuinely curious as to under what circumstances this is possible?

If this is the case then I do think the Aunty way is a possibility.

scaryteacher · 25/01/2020 19:49

When we all went nc with mil we said to the kids (who were then all in their late teens) that if they wanted a relationship with her, that was their decision. Afaik, none of them have bothered, and they are all in their mid 20s now.

TheTrollFairy · 25/01/2020 19:49

If he’s bad enough to go NC with them why would you allow your kids to keep in contact with him. Seems madness to me.

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 19:51

He’s never done anything to harm me physically and he would never harm my children.
It’s such a long and tedious story but I don’t think I really need to go into it. I don’t want a relationship with him but my children do.

OP posts:
Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 19:59

Also, he doesn’t seem to want much to do with me either, however has text me to ask if he can see my children in the summer.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 25/01/2020 20:09

How old are the children? Will they soon be old enough to maintain/arrange contact themselves? Your auntie's way doesn't seem unreasonable, providing the children like her too. You could also consider being contact-only-for-the-purpose-of-arranging-child-contact with your father.

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 20:11

No they’re both still very young.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 25/01/2020 20:18

I would let auntie take them. Doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

doritosdip · 25/01/2020 20:19

Is he likely to ask the kids about you and your life?
Is he likely to badmouth you to them?

How old are the kids? When you say he won't harm them does that mean physically, psychologically or both?

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 20:21

He won’t harm them at all in anyway. He loves them very much. He’s a very different person now to what he was when I was growing up.

OP posts:
doritosdip · 25/01/2020 20:22

My kids have never met my mum (I am NC with her)

They are teenagers so wouldn't be threatened by her physically but she would damage them psychologically by dripping poison in their ear or telling them to give me messages.

They are better off not knowing her and I'm pleased that the cycle of abuse stopped with me.

thewinkingprawn · 25/01/2020 20:23

I am in this exact position. Cut contact with father 2 years ago. Kids age 10, 7 and 5 keep in touch by email and skype. I don’t want a relationship with the selfish arse but the kids get something out of it so I facilitate it. They don’t meet up though.

Rose789 · 25/01/2020 20:25

My father was NC with his mum for many years. When I was 9 and my brother 10 we used to get the bus to her house and go round for Sunday dinner. It was the early 90’s when child safety apparently wasn’t a thing 🤷‍♀️
If your auntie is able to take the kids to see your dad that sounds ideal to me

doritosdip · 25/01/2020 20:36

I'd give it a go but be prepared for the day that they'll want to know why you don't visit him too

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 20:50

I think I’ll take my auntie up on her offer then.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 25/01/2020 20:51

I'm NC with my mother.

No way in hell would I give her the opportunity to affect them the same way she did me.

You need to be absolutely sure he would not manipulate situations to his advantage to hurt you through them.

NurseButtercup · 25/01/2020 21:04

Yes it is possible, my sister went NC with my mom when she was alive, but her children loved my mom (their beloved nan). They had no interest in the reasons behind the fall out between my mom and my sister (their mom), they used to call my mom twice a week and would save their spending £££ for bus fare and take themselves to go and visit my mum once per fortnight. They accepted my mom with all of her flaws and they got away with pulling her up on some of her antics reminding her about kindness etc - they actually helped to soften her up as she aged.

I don't agree with pp that if you go NC with your dad, that your children should as well. As long as your father isn't physically or emotionally abusive towards your children and you have somebody that can facilitate contact/transport then I don't see any reason to stop contact.

The question is do you trust your father not to harm your children?

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 21:08

Yes I trust him. He wants to have them for a sleepover and I’m absolutely fine with that.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/01/2020 21:15

I cannot imagine facilitating a relationship for my children with someone I absolutely can't have contact with.

Saracen · 25/01/2020 21:44

Seems fine - you're sure you trust him with him and at any rate auntie can keep an eye out for any problems. It sounds like a good arrangement.

TheTrollFairy · 25/01/2020 22:04

I still don’t see how you can allow your kids to have a relationship with someone you refuse to have a relationship with.
For example, my dad fucked up my MH. He has apparently changed a lot from when I was growing up, apparently treats my niece with the uttermost respect, love etc. Still won’t chance that around my DD. No way in hell.

You can never guarantee that someone has changed and if your dad was an arsehole for you growing up (lets say 20 years worth) what makes you think he’s capable of changing that dramatically over the last 3-5 years??
I find abusive people are fine until they don’t get their way or a grandchild acts like their parent and then the grandparent loses their shit with the grandchild

Drum2018 · 25/01/2020 22:13

I can never understand parents who are NC with family members allowing their children to have a relationship with that person. Surely you have good reason to be NC. Why on earth would you then want your father to have an influence on your childrens lives? It really doesn't make sense.

Original poster
SidsWife · 25/01/2020 22:37

Well no it doesn’t make sense because you don’t know the backstory, which I don’t need to disclose to you. But no he’s not a threat, loves my children very much and they love him.

OP posts:
DukeChatsworth · 26/01/2020 09:00

It does seem odd. I can’t think of a scenario where my reasons for being NC would not cause me to protect my children too.

I do often read on here though where the trauma that caused the NC in the first place distorts that persons behaviour when it comes to allowing their children access too.

Almost as if they feel guilt and still some level of control from the person they are NC with. Thereby allowing their children access. I don’t understand it but have read it more than once on MN.

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