Is it possible for child to have contact with a grandparent I’m NC with?

[SidsWife]

I’m going NC with my father for various reasons. However, my children love their grandad and I would be happy for them to retain a relationship, just not sure how to facilitate this if I’m NC. Is this a reasonable thing to do? My auntie had suggested me dropping them to her when my father is in the area and her taking them to see him. Not sure if this will be upsetting for the children or just plain weird. Had anyone been in this situation?

I cannot imagine facilitating a relationship for my children with someone I absolutely can't have contact with.

I totally agree with this.

It's unfortunate that you feel unable to continue a relationship with him .... but families can be complicated.

YANBU. You sound like a good parent to do this. Take your auntie up on her offer.

Yes I’m going to take her up. My dad is staying with her anyway when he comes here with my younger siblings so my children will have a good time.

I went NC with my MIL many years ago. My children visited sporadically over the years. She is manipulative, playing mind games and you spend your whole time wondering what you have done to displease her. She favoured my dd1 and ignored dd2. She wanted dd1 to visit, but not dd2. I made it clear that the sisters came as a pair.

My dd2 is the kindest girl so it is her loss. Recently dd rang me and said she felt sorry for MIL because she is now an old lady in her eighties. Yet, she never sends dd2 a birthday card nor christmas card and always has to "go out" when she tries to visit.

When DD2 married this year she told me MIL gave her a crumpled up fiver and asked me why. MIL is well off so it isn't a question of finances. I told dd2 it was her way of showing her her place in MIL's affections. That is what she does and what she is. I really don't think people can change who they are. She doesnt deserve dd2 and never has done.

Both myself as dil and her son-il have cut off any contact with her and we both have been subjected to sustained bad mouthing.

Do you really want to facilitate contact between your dc's and someone you cannot bear to have contact with. I dont think people have the capacity to completely change.

Have they stayed with him before? If they are both quite small would he be able to look after them during the night if they woke up upset, missing you? Would he contact you, or would he contact your aunt if something were to happen?

I think it is commendable that you want to try facilitate a relationship with him. But can it not be a few hours visit every so often rather than over nights in the summer?

I have a good relationship with my parents. My children see them regularly. But not VERY regularly. Sometimes weeks at a time could go by without seeing them.

I think you obviously have your reasons for keeping away from him yourself, so don't be strong armed into decisions that don't sit right with you. Seeing their granddad once a month or so for a few hours is perfectly acceptable. Maybe over time overnights can be built up, but not at the start.

If you start small you can always build to more. It might be difficult for you to pull back if you go all in from the beginning.

FFS the OP doesn’t need your opinion on whether the children should see her father or not - she’s already made that assessment for herself. She wants advice on how to make it work.

OP I definitely think if your auntie is happy being the go between then let her

It would only be about once a year, as he lives far away and I won’t go to his house. He’s fine with getting up in the night, I have no worries about that at all. He’s had my older one overnight a few times before when we were in contact and she’s always had a great time. Younger one is now just big enough to be away from me and I think it’s important that I maintain that contact with my siblings too.

Not sure if YABU or not without knowing why you are no contact.