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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I wait for him to call ?

34 replies

Onesmallstep67 · 25/01/2020 16:19

I have been seeing a new guy for just over 2 months. I like him very much and for the most part it's been going okay, talking lots every day but only seeing each other one or twice a week in person.
This weekend he kept me waiting to see which night we would meet ( not seen him in the week ). He knew I couldn't really do Friday as I had a play rehearsal. He arranged to see his mates today ( Saturday ) but said he would come over after my rehearsal last night- I wasn't finishing until 10pm. I was looking forward to that but he didn't turn up. Eventually at 3am I got a whatsapp message and picture saying he was very sorry, he'd fallen asleep. I felt relieved to know he was okay. This morning I was expecting a call to apologise but so far nothing. I haven't messaged or called him.
For reference I am 52, he's 55. I was widowed a few years ago and wound up a 3 yr relationship early last year with a decent guy who tried to take over my life a bit much. ( tensions between him and my 2 teenage DDs).
I feel I am expecting too much too soon from this new guy. My life is a bit empty and I think I expecting an almost instant full on relationship. I HATE waiting and wondering what is going on.
So I guess the question is do I just wait for him to call?

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 25/01/2020 16:23

Did you reply to his whatsapp message? If not I would say the ball is in your court to message or call him.

CakeandCustard28 · 25/01/2020 16:24

He’s already apologised though? I think your expecting a bit much out of a 2 month fling. Why not give it till later tonight and send him a text?

MatildaTheCat · 25/01/2020 16:26

I don’t think it’s too soon in a relationship to want to know if you are seeing him tonight or not. I’m a similar age to you and couldn’t be doing with wasting time on this. I’d just text a simple, ‘Hi, are we meeting up as we discussed? Looking forward to catching up.’

Regarding last night, I imagine he feels he’s already apologised for not coming.

I hope it works out well for you.

MatildaTheCat · 25/01/2020 16:28

Sorry, just reread your post and see you aren’t expecting to see him today. Text later and tell him no worries about last night and looking forward to seeing him soon, is Tuesday any good? (Or whatever)

Curiosity101 · 25/01/2020 16:36

He's already apologised so I don't know why you'd expect a follow up call to apologise?

As you've said I feel I am expecting too much too soon from this new guy. My life is a bit empty and I think I expecting an almost instant full on relationship. I HATE waiting and wondering what is going on.

To me it sounds like you just really like him and are a tad impatient? Nothing wrong with messaging him or calling him just to arrange new plans etc. But I definitely wouldn't be waiting for another apology or thinking anymore about the mistake. Unless it becomes a habit of course...

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 25/01/2020 16:43

I guess the ball is in my court. I think if it had been me who hadn't been able to make a date I would have followed up the whatsapp with a call to apologise . I have met a fair few guys via OLD at times over the last few years and I think my trust in blokes has been eroded massively. I am also not good putting the ball back in his court if he doesn't reply to the text or answer the phone - both of which he can be a bit slow responding to. And then I am waiting again. Although I am waiting anyway !
Thank you for taking time to answer.

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 25/01/2020 16:56

Have you replied to his message?

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 25/01/2020 17:03

I just called. Left a fairly upbeat message saying thanks for the whatsapp, hoping he's had a good day and maybe chat before he heads out with his mates. So ball in his court.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 25/01/2020 23:30

Still no word

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 25/01/2020 23:34

Youve left a voice mail.

I would send one text now.

Saying, Something like , Hope his had a good night and hope to see him soon.

Then leave it till he texts back

dancemom · 25/01/2020 23:37

Don't text again. He's out with friends.
Try and distract yourself and leave it until he gets in touch then next time you're together have a chat about communication expectations.

Pipandmum · 25/01/2020 23:40

No I'd leave it. You've left a message. Ball is now firmly in his court.
However get yourself busy so you aren't just waiting around for him to get in touch.

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 26/01/2020 08:03

Thank you. I sent a whatsapp late last night just saying hope you are having a great night. It hasn't been read. This doesn't surprise me as he's not someone who is glued to his phone. I guess today will give me my answer as he will either be in touch at some point or he won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 26/01/2020 15:53

I haven't heard from him. Just seen him online on whatsapp but he hasn't read my messages. He doesn't have "last seen " but I just happened to click on it and saw he was online. Feeling shitty about it all, ache in the pit of my stomach. Any thoughts on what I should do now ? I have no patience. I'd rather know if it's over although it seems it may well be.

OP posts:
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 26/01/2020 16:00

I wouldn't text again. I actually think it was rude to be non committal and then let you down like that. It might be early days, but he should be trying to impress you. It won't get any better from this point. I wouldnt have rung or texted at all - he should make amends.

Notthetoothfairy · 26/01/2020 16:05

You need to read the book ‘Why Men Love Bitches’.

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 26/01/2020 16:13

I am just so bored with guys being so unpredictable. We had made a really great start to things, lots of long chats, great physical connection. He's met my DD's and some plans involving them had been discussed. It's like someone flicked a switch as things were so good right up until our last actual phone call on Friday early evening.

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 26/01/2020 16:13

I feel I am expecting too much too soon from this new guy. My life is a bit empty and I think I expecting an almost instant full on relationship. I HATE waiting and wondering what is going on

Please please don’t be this person. This is coming across as desperate and clingy. It’s deeply unattractive to feel the person you’re dating has an empty life and you are their only source of entertainment. It’s also not healthy to look to another person for all your needs. Go out, have fun, get a hobby, date around, etc fill up your life so you aren’t so dependent on another person. If you carry on this way you will find more and more people ghosting you because it’s offputting. It’s way too much too soon and you are placing a huge amount of pressure on someone else to be “the one” when you should be enjoying their company and seeing where it goes. Relax and stop putting all your hopes and dreams into one person you’ve only just met.

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 26/01/2020 16:25

You're right and I am aware that being needy and clingy are not attractive qualities. The advice you offer about getting a hobby, dating around etc are things that I have tried to do. I consider myself to be quite a positive person but my life has been hollowed out a lot in recent years and it's difficult to instantly refill it with lots of great new friends and fun activities. This guy was the one making lots of calls and showing interest. I think I just need to relax into new relationships more and not build my hopes up so much. Difficult when you really like someone

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 26/01/2020 16:40

It is really difficult.

And if someone has t felt like this , they won't understand.

Leave him now. Don't chase him.

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 26/01/2020 18:26

He has messaged. He didn't go out. He said it's close to his mom's birthday and he's been feeling down about it. She passed away last year. From what I know of him already and how he has spoken about her I can see this being the case. So I just replied saying I was sorry to hear that he was feeling down and was here if he wants to chat but I understood if he needs space. I've learnt a few lessons from the advice you've offered so thank you

OP posts:
Wickedwoo · 26/01/2020 18:40

So pleased he's been in touch with you. I hope everything works out for you

incognitomum · 26/01/2020 18:44

Sounds like a good message.

Original poster
Onesmallstep67 · 28/01/2020 16:37

So we're 2 days on from his message and my response. I am still feeling quite on edge about things but this might be partly down to my hormones and being in the perimenopause.
The question I'd appreciate some thoughts on is whether I send any kind of ' hope you are doing okay /thinking of you ' text or whether I just wait for him to contact me? I know I can't control his feelings and actions. And that if he's interested he will be back in touch when he's ready but I don't want him to think I've forgotten about him/not bothered.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 28/01/2020 16:52

... He's met my DD's and some plans involving them had been discussed.

You've known thus guy for 2 months and he has already met your children??!

I don't want him to think I've forgotten about him/not bothered.

Don't worry he won't. I bet he can sense your desperation.

This is so sad. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting, instead of living your life and doing stuff that might give you joy! Can you not learn to love yourself a little more?

Read Women Who Love Too Much plus some other books about self esteem.

Sorry if I seem a bit abrupt; that's not my intent. I hope you can find a way of stepping back and put yourself first.