To end a 20yr relationship?

[Lostinlonggrass]

Hi All,
I'm fairly new to mumsnet. I am considering divorcing my DH after 18 months of marriage although we have been together since our teenage years (19 years+ together) and would love your advice.

We have two DS's. Over the years there have been a number of issues. He has been aggressive to our oldest on more than one occasion. Grabbing him by his shirt at the neck and shaking him for example. I found out about this later as I was at work at the time as my youngest son cried at school, said he was lonely as I was always at work and he 'wanted to end it all'. School contacted me. We spoke, he told me what he hadn't told the school - about this incident with his brother. I confronted my partner, we were engaged at the time. He denied it but I feel he was lying. In the end, I said it didn't matter if he could remember or not. DS does and if he ever behaved in that way again I would leave.

Forward two years and our teenage son got into trouble at school. He was rude to a teacher, well more silly really. I have spoken to the school, the teacher felt that DS didn't really understand the implications of what he did but that its not acceptable. I sat down with DS and DH to talk it through. I was really quite strict about it. DS was upset. Well DH flipped, he was just sat there silent then all of a sudden exploded and threw stuff at DS and screamed at him. I can't tell you how loud it was. AWFUL. So DS ran to his room, DH tried to run after him but I blocked the door, DH continued to try and get past me and shoved me out of the way. DS had locked himself in his room thank God, but I feel this was so unnecessary a reaction. It didn't match the crime ifswim? I tried to get DH to calm down, and leave the situation but he just shouted about 'all he does for this family and this is how he's treated'. This is not about him!

Given this isn't the first incident, among with other stuff, I just don't think I can carry on. This is the straw that broke the camels back but I'm conscience of the length of this post. Am I right that this reaction is absurd and overly aggressive?

YANBU how frightening for you and your ds.

How awful, for you and your children. Have you thought about contacting Women’s Aid?

I'd have to leave in those circumstances.

Is this new behaviour? If so I'd get out for now then try to find out the cause.

If not that unusual them you need to leave for the safety of you all.

My mum was the explosive one in our family and I was terrified. We walked on eggshells, never knowing what we were coming home to. She would fly into a rage about the smallest thing and I remember once she was screaming at me because my room was untidy, and she picked up a fairly large toy (my Barbie car) and threw it at the wall hard enough to smash it. There were countless more incidents.

My dad is so quiet and all about keeping the peace, I used to beg him in private to leave her and take us with him.

As an adult I’ve realised that she is a classic narcissist and he is NOT the lovely, put-upon man that I’d felt sorry for all those years. He is an enabler and he stood aside my whole life while she treated me like fucking trash.

Please, show your children that you’re stronger than that. Leave him. Put them first.

I can tell you now there will be a point when he actually gets him - what the fuck is he going to do then? Punch him? Strangle him? Twist his arm up his back?

What happens when your son gets older and stands up to him? Are they going to have a toe to toe fight? Will your husband use this to give him a good hiding?

If I ever had to stand in front of my dh so my kids could escape so he couldn’t beat them - he’s be fucking out!

You can not subject your children to this creature... it’s not fair, just because you love him doesn’t mean they have to. Call women’s aid.

He shook your child and threw stuff at them?! What the fuck?! If you stay with him it’ll get worse, what next punching your child in the face? Contact women’s aid and get the hell out of there for your children’s sake.

My God, his behaviour is awful. It's abusive.

YANBU by a long shot. Make plans and seek support to protect the kids.

Given his behaviour I'd be worried about contact when you separate. As such I'd be looking at supervised contact.

Protect your children. Leave.

Nobody should have to live in fear of being assaulted in their own home. Your children deserve better.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

I’d leave, you and your children aren’t safe and that’s no way to love tip toeing around him on egg shells waiting for the next explosion.

Thank you everyone. I think I knew the answer but he always makes out like I'm over protective and I put them first. Which I agree with, I do put them first. I never understood why I wouldn't. When thoughts are just trapped in your head with no where to exit, your thoughts can cloud your judgement so you can't think straight. Anyway, I have made an appointment with a solicitor next week. My next issue will be:

1. Telling him - his reaction
2. Finding out about our finances. I know nothing. he has consistently refused to have a joint account and all his investments are in another european country, where he is from.

I’m shocked anyone has voted YABU! You should definitely leave him, good luck.

My lovely, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you and your DC are well and safe right now.

Do not, I repeat please do not tell him ANY of your plans. Go and see your solicitor first.
Also, start to find out as much as you can about finances.
Any legal documents such as birth certificates, passports marriage cert etc, find them and keep them somewhere he can't find them - at a friends house for eg.

Good luck.

He's abusive. Get out before it gets worse for you or your children. They don't deserve this, neither do you.

Please protect your child.

I'm all for giving people second chances but sometimes they go too far and he has already had a second chance..

Please get specialist advice.

It is your job to put them first

The fact that he’s successfully made you doubt that is just further evidence that’s he’s controlling and abusive. Protect your children and protect yourself.

Your kids are living in fear. You must act.

It's disgraceful that you even need to come on here to ask.

That second incident you mention (and I guarantee there has been a lot more emotional abuse and probable physical when you're not there) is entirely on you. YOU could have prevented years of abuse because you should have walked away the second you found out about the first time. Your youngest talked about wanting to kill himself, for fucks sake and STILL you stayed. The fact that you married him is appalling.

Leave now.

I'd say phone the police and report this but I know you won't. Because you'll protect yourself over those poor kids.

Unbelievable.

You absolutely must leave. No question. Not least because you said that you would, and will be an utterly spent force if you don’t see it through.

@BobbyBlueCat

Have you even read the OP's posts?

Leaving a violent man is not as safe or easy as you seem to think.

Try being less spectacularly unhelpful

Quite frankly I'm glad the OP married him, though I agree she should have left him earlier. At least he is now legally obliged to share his money now, which will make life much easier for her and the kids.

I should have made it clearer, my youngest said 'he wanted it all to end' as in the loneliness he discussed with school. Consequently, I retrained and found a role more suited to my family life and made sure I was around. The first situation was not ignored at all. If it was not clear in the first post I did approach DH. I have never stood aside and let my DC's be abused.

Leaving all else aside, why would you marry a man who is secretive about his finances? It doesn't promise well, does it?
Stable door/horse bolted for OP - but maybe some other woman will think before she ties herself to a man like this.

I also think leave. What will he be like to you when the kids have gone ? They won’t come back because of him. Leave now and salvage what you can for children.