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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end a 20yr relationship?

38 replies

Lostinlonggrass · 25/01/2020 11:02

Hi All,
I'm fairly new to mumsnet. I am considering divorcing my DH after 18 months of marriage although we have been together since our teenage years (19 years+ together) and would love your advice.

We have two DS's. Over the years there have been a number of issues. He has been aggressive to our oldest on more than one occasion. Grabbing him by his shirt at the neck and shaking him for example. I found out about this later as I was at work at the time as my youngest son cried at school, said he was lonely as I was always at work and he 'wanted to end it all'. School contacted me. We spoke, he told me what he hadn't told the school - about this incident with his brother. I confronted my partner, we were engaged at the time. He denied it but I feel he was lying. In the end, I said it didn't matter if he could remember or not. DS does and if he ever behaved in that way again I would leave.

Forward two years and our teenage son got into trouble at school. He was rude to a teacher, well more silly really. I have spoken to the school, the teacher felt that DS didn't really understand the implications of what he did but that its not acceptable. I sat down with DS and DH to talk it through. I was really quite strict about it. DS was upset. Well DH flipped, he was just sat there silent then all of a sudden exploded and threw stuff at DS and screamed at him. I can't tell you how loud it was. AWFUL. So DS ran to his room, DH tried to run after him but I blocked the door, DH continued to try and get past me and shoved me out of the way. DS had locked himself in his room thank God, but I feel this was so unnecessary a reaction. It didn't match the crime ifswim? I tried to get DH to calm down, and leave the situation but he just shouted about 'all he does for this family and this is how he's treated'. This is not about him!

Given this isn't the first incident, among with other stuff, I just don't think I can carry on. This is the straw that broke the camels back but I'm conscience of the length of this post. Am I right that this reaction is absurd and overly aggressive?

OP posts:

TomeOfSomething · 27/01/2020 05:45

Please, show your children that you’re stronger than that. Leave him. Put them first.

This

FagAsh · 27/01/2020 06:15

Leave him.
He's a pig.
My dad was worse and trust me, it stays with you for life.

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 27/01/2020 06:39

I left my first dh in similar circumstances, been married for 19 years, the boys were 13 and 14. I no longer felt that I could leave them with him and know they were safe. It’s really hard he fought the divorce for 2 years and tried every trick in the book. The boys asked me why it took me so long to leave. You know in your heart the right thing to do. If her promises to get help tell him to leave and you will consider getting back with him when he has already got help.

As a side note some men act out of character when they are cheating. To force the woman to make the move not them x

slipperywhensparticus · 27/01/2020 06:43

Are there any bruises or Mark's? Call the police

user1493413286 · 27/01/2020 06:44

I don’t think it’s an over reaction to leave after the last incident; if you hadn’t stopped him then what would he have done? It sounds terrifying for your son (and you).

Goldenhedgehogs · 27/01/2020 15:17

Honestly, your son needs protecting from this, if you do not ask husband to leave you are not protecting your child. If children's services found out your child was not safe at home, you were continuing to live with someone who was physically abusive to your son they would be getting involved and the advice you would be given is to leave husband to protect your children. Speak to women's aid asap, you need to get your husband out of your house and to protect your kids.

Goldenhedgehogs · 27/01/2020 15:23

Sorry I hadn't read the full thread, good you are planning to leave but do NOT let him know this as women are more at risk from abusive partner just after the make the decision to leave or leave a partner. Definitely speak to womens aid, you can get prohibitive steps to stop him taking the kids or an occupation order to retain the home, or go to refuge, there are options for you and Women's aid will advise you as well as a solicitor for the divorce. Good luck, whatever he says splitting up is the right course of action.

mnthrowaway202020 · 27/01/2020 15:24

How scary this incident must have been for your son! My god, he tried to break his door down just to attack your son. You son would have been in there scared and anticipating a beating any second?? He wouldn’t listen to you/your son telling him to go away and kept trying to enter a locked door. It’s unhinged. There’s no boundaries. He’s violent.

You need to protect your son and put him above everything. You can’t just keep him living with an abuser like this

mnthrowaway202020 · 27/01/2020 15:26

Sorry I misunderstood the incident, thought he was trying to enter your son’s room, but my sentiments still stand.

MulticolourMophead · 27/01/2020 15:30

He is abusive and I left a 30 year relationship because of abuse. The length of the relationship is irrelevant and your DC deserve to be protected from this arsehole.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/01/2020 15:48

Whose house is it? Kick him out.

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2020 16:06

I think ask the solicitor about reporting this, your child is old enough to be a witness.

geekone · 27/01/2020 16:15

YANBU and I am going to assume that the 2% who think you are, are either an abusive DH or hit the button by mistake!

Good luck at the solicitor, if you feel scared about telling him please ask someone to sit with you while you do it, a brother, cousin, dad? Anyone.

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