To not be able to get over how DS and I were treated in the first few weeks of his life?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m sorry, this is a long one...

I gave birth to DS in November last year on a Sunday. At the time we were living with PILs (long story, more than 1 thread about it if anyone cares enough to look it up!). DS ended up being delivered by ventouse and I had to have an episiotomy.

We brought DS home the day after he was born. As soon as we got in the house, the first person to get him out of the car seat and give him a big cuddle was... FIL. Not me. He scooped him out of the car seat before I’d even had a chance to take my coat off. I had been looking forward to sitting and having a big snuggle with him when we got him home but that moment was taken away from me.

We already knew before I’d had DS that BIL and his GF were planning on coming up to stay for a weekend, arriving on the Friday morning- it ended up being the weekend after DS was born. I was in no way ready for yet more people to see me in my raw post partum state but didn’t feel it was my place to object as it was PILs house. When DS was two days old DH and I heard MIL on the phone inviting relatives round on the Friday evening “yeah, come round and see the baby whenever you like!” DH and I were like um, do we have a say in this?! DH spoke to her and asked her very politely to run it by us if she was going to invite people round to see our baby, and she got all upset and offended. So when DS was 5 days old I had to make myself presentable as BIL, BILs GF, MIL’s cousin, her son and his wife all descended on the house. Mercifully DS was asleep in his Moses basket the whole time they were there so I didn’t have to deal with them passing him around like a sack of spuds, but at one point FIL, wanting to show off in front of MILs family, thought it would be a good idea to tickle him while he slept!

Both MIL and FIL had a habit of taking DS out of his Moses basket when he was asleep and holding him for hours instead. Or MIL would get home from work, say she wanted a quick cuddle and several hours later still be holding him. It got to the point that I felt like the only time I ever got to hold my own baby was when I was feeding him. They would also tell us he didn’t really need feeding when he quite clearly did, just because they didn’t want to let him go. At one point FIL even told us we are supposed to wait until DS is screaming before we feed him!

When DS was 4 days old, DH popped round to see his Grandad and invite him round to meet DS. He’d taken DS downstairs and left him asleep in his Moses basket and put some laundry on whilst I got dressed etc and then he went out. When I came downstairs FIL was sitting on the sofa holding DS, having taken him out of his basket. I knew he was due a feed but he seemed ok at the time and I didn’t want to be feeding him when DH and his GD got back, so I went in the kitchen and got the washing out of the machine. DH then text me to say GD had declined the invitation so I could go ahead and feed DS. I went in the front room and told FIL that GD wasn’t coming and I could see DS starting to root around wanting a feed, so I said I was going to feed him. FIL stood up and went to hand DS to me when I said “I’ll hang the washing out afterwards”. FIL sat back down with him and said “No, put the washing out now, you can feed him later” I said again that I wanted to feed him and reached out for him, but FIL actually put his arm out to stop me and in a really patronising voice said “Angelo, babies are hardy, you have to learn to leave them.” (To reiterate, he was 4 days old at this point.) at no point did he offer to put the washing out for me so I could feed DS... but that would have involved letting him go, wouldn’t it?!

Well, I did it. I put the fucking washing out. I cried the entire time, I felt so awful that I’d let FIL bully me into doing something utterly unimportant before feeding my hungry baby. I felt like an awful mother. Whilst I was outside DS started crying, so FIL actually shut the kitchen door so I wouldn’t hear him. By the time I was finished he was properly screaming and I was in flood of tears. I know I should have stood my ground but I was alone and exhausted and didn’t have it in me to argue with FIL in his own house. DH arrived just as I was taking DS upstairs to feed him. He was angry but decided not to say anything as he was grateful to FIL for not having a row with him after he “upset” MIL about the visitors thing. It felt to me like in that instance he was more concerned about not upsetting his parents than he was about his parents upsetting me.

A week after DS was born we had to go back to the hospital as I was concerned that my stitches had split. DH told MIL where we were going as it meant we were going to miss breakfast with them, BIL and his GF and DH’S GD but asked her not to say anything. When we got back she came out to the drive and asked how I was, saying she didn’t want to ask in the house in front of the others. Unfortunately FIL had no such concern for my dignity. The minute we got through the door he was in the hallway with his booming voice “how are your stitches Angelo, alright?” with everyone else sitting a few feet away in the living room. I was mortified. It was bad enough having to face DH’s whole family when I looked and felt like absolute shit, without them knowing all about the fucking stitches in my vagina...

When DS was about a month old PILs decided it was time to decorate the house for Christmas. DH, DS and I were sleeping in the converted attic bedroom at the top of the house and all the decorations were kept in the eaves storage cupboard, so we had to tidy the bedroom so they could get everything out. So we left DS to sleep in his Moses basket in the kitchen. Once again MIL decided to get him out and hold him instead. At some point he woke up but nobody bothered to let me know, and it somehow ended up being me who helped DH and FIL haul boxes of baubles up and down two flights of stairs while MIL cuddled my baby in the kitchen and sang Christmas songs to him.

Looking back now I feel like the first few weeks of DS life are completely overshadowed by all this for me. I feel like nobody gave a crap about me once he was born or how all this made me feel... from the minute we got back from the hospital I had to share my baby with PILs and I really worry about how it’s affected my bond with him. At one point I even thought that DS wouldn’t know I was his mummy as MIL seemed to spend so much more time holding him than I did! I honestly think it’s a miracle I didn’t get PND, especially since I’ve had trouble with depression in the last.

I know that letting us live in their house was incredibly generous of my PILs, they are essentially decent people (once you get past them being typical Daily Mail reading Leave voters) and I am grateful to them for the kindness they showed us. The thing is, I don’t know how to get past the feelings of pain and resentment that their behaviour in those few weeks have left me with. I dread every visit from them, and would happily never set foot in their house again as long as I live. I know I need to get past it, but how? What do I do?

[vikkimoog]

ffs. get a grip.

[WhereWillYouBeInAYearFromNow]

Complete lack of respect and regard for you as the mother of ds.

I'm astonished.

You're going to have become much much more assertive. Your dh will have to suck that up too. Perhaps he could learn from you if he's being spineless.

"I'm his mum thank you. I'll decide what is best for my son. Now give him to me now please."

Do you actually have to live with these people for much longer?

The unhappiness you feel about the first few weeks will fade. You'll never forget it but it won't rankle quite as much over time especially if you assert yourself.

I don't get how other posters "don't get" that some new mothers would prefer seclusion after having a baby.

It's as if they "don't get" that some people have different preferences and that they're allowed to have different preferences and it's somehow pfb because it's not their own preference.

[HannaYeah]

I hope you know that all of these feelings are completely reasonable. So do not best yourself up for having them. Nor for not being more vocal at a time when you were physically and emotionally vulnerable.

So very glad you are in your own space now.

[pooboobsleeprepeat]

Sounds absolutely awful! You were vulnerable, in recovery and they treated you like shit.
Use this experience to learn from. You need to be your child’s voice and speak up when things aren’t right.
It’ll only get worse if you don’t say something. Don’t let them take over!

[KatherineJaneway]

I let him know (then and several times since) how let down I felt by his silence over the issue.

OP, you were told clearly it was not a hood idea to marry this man and not to have kids with him by MN since at least 2017. Will you actually take any of the feedback on board this time?

[RichPetunia]

You are over reacting and being very precious.

[Jillyhilly]

You’re feeling what you’re feeling and thats completely understandable, especially just after birth!

But I agree with others who say that you and your DH must learn to speak up. There’s lots of stuff online about being more assertive. I know it’s difficult if you’re not that kind of person naturally, but it’s so important for your mental and physical health and you won’t end up being so upset if you cut this stuff off as soon as it starts.

People really don’t know what’s in your head if you don’t tell them. I remember running into this with my SIL and the new baby years ago - I was absolutely gaga about him and kept picking him up for a cuddle. I Honestly thought I was doing her a favour by giving her a break, but she didn’t see it like that at all! luckily she’s pretty outspoken and told me, but I’d she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had a clue that I was doing anything wrong.

[Frenchw1fe]

Earlier in this thread I had a comment deleted by mumsnet.
Does anyone know what it was as I honestly thought I'd only made one comment and certainly nothing offensive.
Could I have accidentally commented on the wrong post?
I'm baffled.

[PGtipsplease]

There is no point repeating that her and her dh need to speak up.

That time has been and gone. She was overwhelmed by Lots of things and at that point - couldn’t. And her dh didn’t either - but that’s another issue.

Shes trying to talk about how she feels now about it. I still felt in a bad way nine months after dd2 was born, difficult birth and overbearing in-laws and parents. At one point I had to phone my dh and ask him to remove my 82 year old grandmother from my house! This shit does happen!

Telling people to ‘move on’ or they are being ‘precious’ doesn’t help either.

[Hotseat]

I think you need to take a deep breath here. They obviously love their gc, so many people on here give out over the lack of love & care from gp. I don't think it's control or bullying but a case of over excitement at having gc so close and just thoughtlessness on their part.
Unfortunately while you live in their house you have no control over who they invite to visit, no matter the circumstances.
I think they would be distraught to think they have upset you, you need a family talk and speak up for yourself more.
Do not blow this out of proportion, the consequences could be awful. The more loving family involved in your dc's life the better for him in the long run.

[Paintedmaypole]

freezinggold you ask if MIL would be amenable to hearing how OP feels, but from reading her posts it was more FIL who was over excited and interfering. HE was the one involved in the laundry incident, he was the one who embarrassed her by asking about her stitches (MIL asked her how she was privately). All MIL did was invite some people to her house to see the baby and hold the baby while they were getting down the Christmas decorations. It is likely, if OP hsd just gone downstairs and said "My turn for a cuddle now" ,baby may have been handed back. FIL does sound OTT but they don't sound cruel and abusive. Anyway it is much easier to deal with this now OP is in her own home.

[StreetwiseHercules]

“ She was overwhelmed by Lots of things and at that point - couldn’t. And her dh didn’t either - but that’s another issue. ”

Yes, unfathomable that a man could be overwhelmed by a very significant life change and shifting, volatile wider family dynamics, isn’t it?

[HannaYeah]

If I started a thread like this:

I got a new cell phone and brought it to my parents house where I’m living currently because my house caved in. Everyone in the house kept picking up my cellphone and playing with it whenever I laid it down. My parents invited their friends over to play with my new cellphone and told everyone the cost and the details of my payment plan. They would only give it back to me if it rang and sometimes they still wouldn’t hand it over. Even though I was uncomfortable I didn’t want to start an argument with them because they were letting me stay there. By the time they gave it back the batteries were always depleted.

I think some of the people who don’t understand how OP felt after bringing a new baby home would say the parents were overstepping if it was just an object she owned instead of a child to whom she’d just given birth. It’s really difficult to understand the attitudes of people that don’t see the massive disrespect here.

[Bumblesbumbles]

It sounds very annoying and frustrating, and your husband should have been the one arguing for you. Living with in laws post birth is going to be difficult for all. But I don’t think this should be affecting your life now. Get counselling if required but move on from it.

[LIZS]

I think in order to move on you first need to forgive yourselves , and each other, for not feeling able to assert yourselves and prioritise your ds needs in those early days. Staying with il was always going to be a compromise but this goes well beyond that. However you can not change what happened or them, only your reaction to it. Once you can do that you can determine how much you continue to see them and on what terms.

[1forsorrow]

I'm not sure what is mortifying about being asked if your stitches are OK? I assume it is because of where they are but you were all grown ups, everyone knows how babies are born, it's not as if he was asking for a look at them. We aren't in the 19th century when it might have been mortifying.

I think you were in a space where you'd have taken offence at anything, which isn't that unusual when you've just had a baby and your hormones are everywhere but you should let it go now. It isn't healthy to build this up into something bigger and bigger.

[Mamibaer]

I completely sympathize, I know how vulnerable you feel in those early days and the ILs behavior was disgraceful. My ILs visited from Canada about 3 months after DS was born. I remember one night DS was really cranky (he would have a witching hour or 2 every evening) and he was crying and crying, I was trying my best to sooth him, FIL came up, took him out of my arms and said ‘He wants his grandma’ and handed him to her. I was so f**king angry. No, he didn’t want this woman he’d literally met the day before over me. A long list of little things like this happened in the early days and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them

[floatygoat]

I really felt for you reading your post. I'd find it really hard to forgive or forget too. First few weeks with a newborn i can hardly bare to put them down, and the bonding process is so important - fuck anyone who is dismissive of this important time for a mother and baby. And fuck your father in law for withholding your own hungry baby from you, I know how traumatising that is for a hormonal new mother. My ex MIL was a complete twat when I had my first baby, insisting we be present and correct so that her various friends and family could pass the baby around like a doll and it took all I had not to grab her and run out of the house. I've never forgiven her for her behaviour. She's a cunt.

[floatygoat]

@HannaYeah is absolutely spot on.
The attitudes of a lot of posters on this thread are very strange - I hope they're not going to be MIL to a vulnerable new mother with a tiny baby in the future

[Purpletigers]

Honestly , I think you need to grow up. You had visitors a few days after having a baby . Woop de do . You had a baby not a triple by pass.
The decorations thing is ridiculous, the washing I can understand . Let it go or you’ll end up suffering from pnd.

[HannaYeah]

@floatygoat

I’m hoping none of them have children so maybe just can’t imagine how it feels. Hopefully they will see it before they are actual MILs, if that is in their plans.

Alternatively, if they are actually mothers maybe they were just never show the level of respect that you and I believe new parents are due. I hope that’s not the case.

I don’t have kids of my own, but I can still see myself in her shoes. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I showed the cat tremendous respect. She let me know very clearly when she wanted me to get away from her kittens and I always obliged. I hardly let another soul even come in the house during that time.

Once she even put her paw up at my Mom, when Mom had looked at them for long enough. They were 2 months old by this point! If we can get the message form a cat, seems like the in-laws would recognize the OPs discomfort.