To not be able to get over how DS and I were treated in the first few weeks of his life?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m sorry, this is a long one...

I gave birth to DS in November last year on a Sunday. At the time we were living with PILs (long story, more than 1 thread about it if anyone cares enough to look it up!). DS ended up being delivered by ventouse and I had to have an episiotomy.

We brought DS home the day after he was born. As soon as we got in the house, the first person to get him out of the car seat and give him a big cuddle was... FIL. Not me. He scooped him out of the car seat before I’d even had a chance to take my coat off. I had been looking forward to sitting and having a big snuggle with him when we got him home but that moment was taken away from me.

We already knew before I’d had DS that BIL and his GF were planning on coming up to stay for a weekend, arriving on the Friday morning- it ended up being the weekend after DS was born. I was in no way ready for yet more people to see me in my raw post partum state but didn’t feel it was my place to object as it was PILs house. When DS was two days old DH and I heard MIL on the phone inviting relatives round on the Friday evening “yeah, come round and see the baby whenever you like!” DH and I were like um, do we have a say in this?! DH spoke to her and asked her very politely to run it by us if she was going to invite people round to see our baby, and she got all upset and offended. So when DS was 5 days old I had to make myself presentable as BIL, BILs GF, MIL’s cousin, her son and his wife all descended on the house. Mercifully DS was asleep in his Moses basket the whole time they were there so I didn’t have to deal with them passing him around like a sack of spuds, but at one point FIL, wanting to show off in front of MILs family, thought it would be a good idea to tickle him while he slept!

Both MIL and FIL had a habit of taking DS out of his Moses basket when he was asleep and holding him for hours instead. Or MIL would get home from work, say she wanted a quick cuddle and several hours later still be holding him. It got to the point that I felt like the only time I ever got to hold my own baby was when I was feeding him. They would also tell us he didn’t really need feeding when he quite clearly did, just because they didn’t want to let him go. At one point FIL even told us we are supposed to wait until DS is screaming before we feed him!

When DS was 4 days old, DH popped round to see his Grandad and invite him round to meet DS. He’d taken DS downstairs and left him asleep in his Moses basket and put some laundry on whilst I got dressed etc and then he went out. When I came downstairs FIL was sitting on the sofa holding DS, having taken him out of his basket. I knew he was due a feed but he seemed ok at the time and I didn’t want to be feeding him when DH and his GD got back, so I went in the kitchen and got the washing out of the machine. DH then text me to say GD had declined the invitation so I could go ahead and feed DS. I went in the front room and told FIL that GD wasn’t coming and I could see DS starting to root around wanting a feed, so I said I was going to feed him. FIL stood up and went to hand DS to me when I said “I’ll hang the washing out afterwards”. FIL sat back down with him and said “No, put the washing out now, you can feed him later” I said again that I wanted to feed him and reached out for him, but FIL actually put his arm out to stop me and in a really patronising voice said “Angelo, babies are hardy, you have to learn to leave them.” (To reiterate, he was 4 days old at this point.) at no point did he offer to put the washing out for me so I could feed DS... but that would have involved letting him go, wouldn’t it?!

Well, I did it. I put the fucking washing out. I cried the entire time, I felt so awful that I’d let FIL bully me into doing something utterly unimportant before feeding my hungry baby. I felt like an awful mother. Whilst I was outside DS started crying, so FIL actually shut the kitchen door so I wouldn’t hear him. By the time I was finished he was properly screaming and I was in flood of tears. I know I should have stood my ground but I was alone and exhausted and didn’t have it in me to argue with FIL in his own house. DH arrived just as I was taking DS upstairs to feed him. He was angry but decided not to say anything as he was grateful to FIL for not having a row with him after he “upset” MIL about the visitors thing. It felt to me like in that instance he was more concerned about not upsetting his parents than he was about his parents upsetting me.

A week after DS was born we had to go back to the hospital as I was concerned that my stitches had split. DH told MIL where we were going as it meant we were going to miss breakfast with them, BIL and his GF and DH’S GD but asked her not to say anything. When we got back she came out to the drive and asked how I was, saying she didn’t want to ask in the house in front of the others. Unfortunately FIL had no such concern for my dignity. The minute we got through the door he was in the hallway with his booming voice “how are your stitches Angelo, alright?” with everyone else sitting a few feet away in the living room. I was mortified. It was bad enough having to face DH’s whole family when I looked and felt like absolute shit, without them knowing all about the fucking stitches in my vagina...

When DS was about a month old PILs decided it was time to decorate the house for Christmas. DH, DS and I were sleeping in the converted attic bedroom at the top of the house and all the decorations were kept in the eaves storage cupboard, so we had to tidy the bedroom so they could get everything out. So we left DS to sleep in his Moses basket in the kitchen. Once again MIL decided to get him out and hold him instead. At some point he woke up but nobody bothered to let me know, and it somehow ended up being me who helped DH and FIL haul boxes of baubles up and down two flights of stairs while MIL cuddled my baby in the kitchen and sang Christmas songs to him.

Looking back now I feel like the first few weeks of DS life are completely overshadowed by all this for me. I feel like nobody gave a crap about me once he was born or how all this made me feel... from the minute we got back from the hospital I had to share my baby with PILs and I really worry about how it’s affected my bond with him. At one point I even thought that DS wouldn’t know I was his mummy as MIL seemed to spend so much more time holding him than I did! I honestly think it’s a miracle I didn’t get PND, especially since I’ve had trouble with depression in the last.

I know that letting us live in their house was incredibly generous of my PILs, they are essentially decent people (once you get past them being typical Daily Mail reading Leave voters) and I am grateful to them for the kindness they showed us. The thing is, I don’t know how to get past the feelings of pain and resentment that their behaviour in those few weeks have left me with. I dread every visit from them, and would happily never set foot in their house again as long as I live. I know I need to get past it, but how? What do I do?

[zasknbg]

They got overexcited and overbearing and your mil clearly forgot what is was like immediately after having a baby. They went overboard showing off your baby to all and sundry. It’s difficult to say, but it could be as simple as they just went OTT with everything or they could be fairly selfish people who are difficult to live with. You don’t have to do it anymore though.

You need to try to move past it. Your ds is unaffected and you are presumably out of there and can carry on with your life with your ds and dh. Just keep it in mind that they sound like people who are quite dictatorial and you’ll need to stand your ground in future.

[WillowKnicks]

I completely understand how you feel.

The moment my DS was born, I was made to feel like a brood mare that had produced this child for my DH & them. They really did seem to resent that he had half my genes! Was an awful feeling that I remember well & DS is 24 now!

My f in law used to openly resent my son cuddling me & told him it was soft (he was 2!) but was fine for him to cuddle his Dad & himself! My Dad had died when I was pregnant & f in law preened himself that he was the only grandad...was horrible.

I never did get over the resentment fully but what I have come away with, is, when my son becomes a father, I know exactly how NOT to treat the new mother.

[vdbfamily]

OP, whilst I do understand how you feel, you might benefit from trying to see it from their point of view. They were obviously bursting with excitement at the arrival of your beautiful baby, their grand child. Rushing out to meet him and bring him in is lovely. Holding him whilst he sleeps is lovely. Wanting people to come and meet baby is just that they are bursting with love and pride. My in laws went no contact when we got married ( my family had nothing to offer theirs apparently!!) and my children only met those grandparent s when they were almost teenagers. I lived with my parents when my first was born and yes, she was passed around and cuddled by all and sundry for months but the difference is that I loved that and so did not find it stressful. I think I would prefer over excited, over invested GP's to ones who do not care. It will not have affected your bonding but you need to somehow move on from that time and let it go out it will continue to eat you up.
Whilst I also see the laundry situation as very distressing for you, I can also see that your in laws were probably raising their children at a time where routines were encouraged early on and people were encouraged to distract baby for a while to try and go a bit longer between feeds. Maybe he thought he was trying to help rather than being deliberately nasty.

[GabriellaMontez]

You have a dh problem.

Vulnerable, exhausted new Mothers need someone to have their back. Where was he?
Worried about being told off by Daddy?

When are you moving out?

[JustFinished]

Hi, I just wanted to say I had a similar thing, we bought our first home and were meant to move in a month before our first child arrived but the house needed far more work doing than anticipated and it would have been far too messy/dusty to live there. Anyway I ended up in the same situation as you staying with my in laws as their house is huge compared to my parents. They were good not picking up the baby unless I offered but all boundaries in terms of privacy were gone after having the baby. My mil asked my husband just after I’d given birth if I’d had stitches WHAT? I could go on and on (a books worth) about stuff that happened, we ended up staying there 5 long months (we paid rent). When I mentioned to other people the issues they told me to be grateful they are helping (I was) but it did feel like the first few months of being a mum were tarnished.

When we did move out I felt relief and like we could start our life as a family together, that was when the real issues started! As we had been living in their house I had compromised and gone along with a lot of things out of fear of looking rude, they’d also seen the baby every single day without fail since the birth. The level of contact was something that was never meant to happen it was just unfortunate circumstances. So when we moved out the level of contact obviously reduced and when they suggested something or invited us somewhere I no longer felt obligated to go, I’d say no if I didn’t want to go. I think we’d created some weird power balance where they were still the parents, we were the children and we did as we were told. Things came to a head at Christmas when they assumed we’d be having our baby’s first Christmas at my in laws, never the plan. I said we were having it at home in our new home, my mother in law apparently spent all Christmas sobbing. She’d invited the entire extended family over and I think had imagined having this starring role as supergran, passing our daughter around like some sort of prize. When we went over on Boxing Day my husband was taken into another room by his dad and told we ruined everyone’s Christmas and that he will never do that again, how dare he etc etc (we had never agreed we were going, we declined the invite way before). In short living with them ruined not only our first few months as parents but also our relationship with my in laws.

The only thing that helped me “get over” having the first few months ruined was to have another child and doing everything on my terms. I couldn’t believe how amazing those first few weeks/months were when you have space and privacy!

It’s really hard and you really do have my sympathy. I found that when I told other people they really didn’t get why I was so upset/annoyed about it. I was still going on about it like a broken record months after we’d moved out, in fact I still do sometimes 3 years on!

[RealMermaid]

For the most part I don't think their behaviour was that bad, although clearly there were some incidents that were more of an issue with your FIL. It sounds like it all stemmed from a lack of communication about expectations beforehand - i.e. having a conversation about visitors before the baby arrived, etc. For me personally if DS is sleeping in his Moses basket I don't mind if people pick him up for a cuddle (he doesn't mind either lol!) So when my family are visiting they do this and it doesn't bother me at all. If it does bother you then you need to set clear boundaries with them. However overall it just sounds like they love their grandchild and want to spend time with him and they probably think they're helping you out - it's just a mismatch of expectations.

[1forsorrow]

I will do the same with my next child. It’s my child and I have to do what’s best. This time I have my daughter to consider as well. So nothing to do with your husband then?

[BeardyButton]

You poor thing. Thats really rough. I can totally see where you are coming from. They sound like well meaning people. But they clearly got off on the fact that they had more power than you (as you were living with them) and they could dictate terms. Given the terms they were dictating impacted on how you related to your new baby.... Well! Not nice.

Try not to worry about your bond. In my experience, the mums that worry about this are precisely the ones that dont need to worry. It sounds like there was a small amount of trauma involved in all this for you. Time really is a great healer. I had a traumatic first few months as my son was sick. I do feel a bit robbed. And I did worry about the bond. But it all settled down over time. Give your self the space to feel a bit robbed. Set boundaries w pil. And enjoy your little baby.

O. And we all make mistakes. But promise yourself in future that if you are uncomfortable about anything to do with your baby... You put your foot down. No one stands between you and that baby. No. One. You are his advocate. No matter how uncomfortable that makes anyone.

[EmptyOrchestra]

I have a feeling that you’d benefit from some birth trauma counselling as I suspect it’s all tangled up together.

I had a very different experience from you - my children were taken immediately after birth to NICU, didn’t get to even see them until the next day. I couldn’t hold them or feed them. I still, years later, feel robbed of the sort of bonding most parents get in those early hours and weeks; during the nicu months there was very little physical contact.

You’re upset because your PIL were too involved whereas we don’t have any family members to hold or love our kids.

You’re upset because they held your baby for naps - I am upset because mine spent their days alone in incubators barely being touched.

You think they’re too invested in they grandchild - I would give anything for mine to have grandparents in their lives.

Whatever the cause of the upset, it’s clearly still troubling you. You were there with your baby, and they had extra people showing them love, extra people to bond with. It seems to me (for the most part) like an extreme reaction that may suggest underlying PND or other difficulties.

[Vulpine]

I'da told my fil to fuck the fuck off if he had tried to stop me picking up my baby

[StreetwiseHercules]

What an appalling post Orchestra. Because you had different experiences and circumstances nobody else’s difficulties are valid and they must be mentally ill?

[zafferana]

I understand how you feel OP, particularly the bit about feeling like you were of secondary importance having done your job to deliver THEIR GC. My ILs had exactly the same attitude when DS1 was born and it really stung me, but luckily for me I wasn't living with them, they visited for a couple of hours, monopolised him, woke him up so they could all take pictures holding him (when we'd asked them to visit at a different time so he'd be awake), excluded me from photos and generally treated me like I was intruding on their little family moment. So yes, I totally understand your upset at having had that precious time with your newborn taken away from you by their selfish actions. If you really feel damaged by it go and have some counselling. Talk to someone neutral and un-judgmental who will let you vent your anger and upset. But please be reassured that it will NOT damage your bond with your DS. You are his DM. You are going to be there his whole life. You will remember this shitty start to your parenting of him, but he won't. So get some help now so you can move past this miserable episode, because what you really don't want is to allow it to spoil any more of your time with him. Congratulations on your baby

[AnneLovesGilbert]

EmptyOrchestra Do you think you’re trying to help the OP or simply sticking your boot in? Some people can’t have children at all, they’d say you were lucky to have yours even if you had a less than ideal start. That’s not helpful or compassionate either, is it?

Honestly, it’s like posts where people talk about their awful mothers and some knobber pops on to say they don’t have a mother and you should be grateful even if yours is shit and makes your life miserable

I’m sorry you had a tough start but it’s irrelevant to this OP and her own difficult time.

[EmptyOrchestra]

That’s not what I said. As someone who’s never experienced birth trauma and the hormonal changes of the postnatal period, you clearly don’t understand how it impacts your perception of your what’s going on.

My point was that OP and I had experiences at almost the opposite ends of a spectrum yet the feeling that remains is similar - of things being taken away from us, of expectations not meeting reality.

OP had a traumatic birth, as did I. It’s nigh on impossible to get through such a difficult birth without resulting trauma. It can take time for this to become apparent, and disproportionate reactions to situations is one of the signs.

Some of these things are unacceptable, some would not be an issue if you were in a different mind. There’s nothing shameful about mental illness, birth trauma and PND are very common.

[EmptyOrchestra]

X posted with you Anne - I obviously don’t know whether you’ve experienced those things.

[Notsure94]

Motherhood is a sharp learning curve! You now know you must speak up, nothing comes before your word on what happens with your child or between you and your child. It's awkward sometimes and if we have lived fairly acquiescent lives it's way out of our comfort zone but you just have to. Your the mother not the child now. He is your responsibility not theirs. If something happens who is held to account?

Use your anger to resolve that you will never be pushed around again - and don't worry you can and will bond in time. It's all part of the process!

[PGtipsplease]

Oh Jesus AngeloMysterioso I got anxiety reading that.

I had a rough start because of health issues and my in-laws too. You may actually have PND

You won’t feel this way forever about it and this time will pass

[gingersausage]

What sticks out most from your post is how you remember everything in such minute detail. I say this in the kindest possible way, but this isn’t healthy for you. You really need to try and process it and let go of it, for your own sanity and continuing happiness. Trust me, you don’t want to look back in years to come and wish you hadn’t wasted so much time dwelling on stuff that you can’t change.

I honestly think your ILs are following the “it takes a village” mentality to child rearing. They probably genuinely see their input as supportive and caring rather than overbearing and interfering. They would possibly be devastated if they knew just how upset you were (or maybe not, maybe they are just that dense and thick skinned).

I think your comment about PND is telling; I had severe PND and it sounds to me like you possibly did have it and might still. I definitely think it’s worth speaking to your GP about it. Don’t try and struggle on if it’s something that can be sorted. I sincerely hope you can start to feel better about all this soon.

[20viona]

I think almost all of this is a none issue. I don't like it when people pick sleeping babies out of their moses baskets but yourself and your husband should of asserted some authority and simply said 'please leave baby sleeping and don't disturb thanks'

[turnthebiglightoff]

I'm going to be one of the harsh ones and say you could've been much more assertive with your IL's and your biggest problem is your husband, who should have stopped this behaviour as soon as it started. No one should ever take a hungry 4 day old baby off of their mother without being told "the baby needs feeding please give him back now". If that's met with a refusal, you fetch your husband and demand he gets your baby back from your FIL,

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Yes I have orchestra and despite my own struggles being completely different to OP’s they make me empathise with her as a fellow mum and my heart goes out to her.

[Xyzzzzz]

I agree with @GrumpyHoonMain spot on. Your husband should have helped you enforce boundaries.

That being said I do agree that post partum the hornemones are raging, mine were.

Also how on earth did you dry clothes in December outside?

[venusandmars]

Isn’t it the most basic common sense to leave new mommies and their babies in peace?

Well, that may be how lots of people on mumsnet think, but when PILs were having their own dc it might have been different. Maybe PILs were, in their own way, trying to show love, understanding, support, caring. OK it was cumbersome, and not actually what the OP wanted, but it was far from abusive or cruel to welcome a baby into a wider family group and for both MIL and FIL to cradle the sleeping child.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I honestly think your ILs are following the “it takes a village” mentality to child rearing. They probably genuinely see their input as supportive and caring rather than overbearing and interfering.

A village where a woman who’s just had a traumatic delivery is expected to do the laundry.

I see what you’re trying to say but some of the things she describes don’t bear it out as they were thoughtless and selfish, putting their wants to hold the baby over OP’s comfort and the baby’s needs.

MIL and FIL had at least two babies of their own. We don’t know what support or “support” they had from their families in the newborn stages but they should have known better than to muscle in and ignore OP’s obvious distress. It’s only helping if it actually helps.

[EmptyOrchestra]

I empathise with her too, which is why I suggested that she may benefit from counselling. It took me a good 10 months to realise that the way I felt from the time my babies were born was down to birth trauma and PND. I could never understand when women said that they didn’t know they had PND until I experienced it myself. That’s why I suggested (as other posters have also said) that there may be an underlying issue here and if there is, seeking help can make such a massive difference.

It’s unacceptable to prevent a mother from holding and feeding their baby when they choose. Having family hold a baby while they sleep however shouldn’t be an issue. I was similarly distressed by different things when my MH was in a fragile state, things that wouldn’t have affected me so badly if I’d been well. That’s why I commented.