To not be able to get over how DS and I were treated in the first few weeks of his life?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m sorry, this is a long one...

I gave birth to DS in November last year on a Sunday. At the time we were living with PILs (long story, more than 1 thread about it if anyone cares enough to look it up!). DS ended up being delivered by ventouse and I had to have an episiotomy.

We brought DS home the day after he was born. As soon as we got in the house, the first person to get him out of the car seat and give him a big cuddle was... FIL. Not me. He scooped him out of the car seat before I’d even had a chance to take my coat off. I had been looking forward to sitting and having a big snuggle with him when we got him home but that moment was taken away from me.

We already knew before I’d had DS that BIL and his GF were planning on coming up to stay for a weekend, arriving on the Friday morning- it ended up being the weekend after DS was born. I was in no way ready for yet more people to see me in my raw post partum state but didn’t feel it was my place to object as it was PILs house. When DS was two days old DH and I heard MIL on the phone inviting relatives round on the Friday evening “yeah, come round and see the baby whenever you like!” DH and I were like um, do we have a say in this?! DH spoke to her and asked her very politely to run it by us if she was going to invite people round to see our baby, and she got all upset and offended. So when DS was 5 days old I had to make myself presentable as BIL, BILs GF, MIL’s cousin, her son and his wife all descended on the house. Mercifully DS was asleep in his Moses basket the whole time they were there so I didn’t have to deal with them passing him around like a sack of spuds, but at one point FIL, wanting to show off in front of MILs family, thought it would be a good idea to tickle him while he slept!

Both MIL and FIL had a habit of taking DS out of his Moses basket when he was asleep and holding him for hours instead. Or MIL would get home from work, say she wanted a quick cuddle and several hours later still be holding him. It got to the point that I felt like the only time I ever got to hold my own baby was when I was feeding him. They would also tell us he didn’t really need feeding when he quite clearly did, just because they didn’t want to let him go. At one point FIL even told us we are supposed to wait until DS is screaming before we feed him!

When DS was 4 days old, DH popped round to see his Grandad and invite him round to meet DS. He’d taken DS downstairs and left him asleep in his Moses basket and put some laundry on whilst I got dressed etc and then he went out. When I came downstairs FIL was sitting on the sofa holding DS, having taken him out of his basket. I knew he was due a feed but he seemed ok at the time and I didn’t want to be feeding him when DH and his GD got back, so I went in the kitchen and got the washing out of the machine. DH then text me to say GD had declined the invitation so I could go ahead and feed DS. I went in the front room and told FIL that GD wasn’t coming and I could see DS starting to root around wanting a feed, so I said I was going to feed him. FIL stood up and went to hand DS to me when I said “I’ll hang the washing out afterwards”. FIL sat back down with him and said “No, put the washing out now, you can feed him later” I said again that I wanted to feed him and reached out for him, but FIL actually put his arm out to stop me and in a really patronising voice said “Angelo, babies are hardy, you have to learn to leave them.” (To reiterate, he was 4 days old at this point.) at no point did he offer to put the washing out for me so I could feed DS... but that would have involved letting him go, wouldn’t it?!

Well, I did it. I put the fucking washing out. I cried the entire time, I felt so awful that I’d let FIL bully me into doing something utterly unimportant before feeding my hungry baby. I felt like an awful mother. Whilst I was outside DS started crying, so FIL actually shut the kitchen door so I wouldn’t hear him. By the time I was finished he was properly screaming and I was in flood of tears. I know I should have stood my ground but I was alone and exhausted and didn’t have it in me to argue with FIL in his own house. DH arrived just as I was taking DS upstairs to feed him. He was angry but decided not to say anything as he was grateful to FIL for not having a row with him after he “upset” MIL about the visitors thing. It felt to me like in that instance he was more concerned about not upsetting his parents than he was about his parents upsetting me.

A week after DS was born we had to go back to the hospital as I was concerned that my stitches had split. DH told MIL where we were going as it meant we were going to miss breakfast with them, BIL and his GF and DH’S GD but asked her not to say anything. When we got back she came out to the drive and asked how I was, saying she didn’t want to ask in the house in front of the others. Unfortunately FIL had no such concern for my dignity. The minute we got through the door he was in the hallway with his booming voice “how are your stitches Angelo, alright?” with everyone else sitting a few feet away in the living room. I was mortified. It was bad enough having to face DH’s whole family when I looked and felt like absolute shit, without them knowing all about the fucking stitches in my vagina...

When DS was about a month old PILs decided it was time to decorate the house for Christmas. DH, DS and I were sleeping in the converted attic bedroom at the top of the house and all the decorations were kept in the eaves storage cupboard, so we had to tidy the bedroom so they could get everything out. So we left DS to sleep in his Moses basket in the kitchen. Once again MIL decided to get him out and hold him instead. At some point he woke up but nobody bothered to let me know, and it somehow ended up being me who helped DH and FIL haul boxes of baubles up and down two flights of stairs while MIL cuddled my baby in the kitchen and sang Christmas songs to him.

Looking back now I feel like the first few weeks of DS life are completely overshadowed by all this for me. I feel like nobody gave a crap about me once he was born or how all this made me feel... from the minute we got back from the hospital I had to share my baby with PILs and I really worry about how it’s affected my bond with him. At one point I even thought that DS wouldn’t know I was his mummy as MIL seemed to spend so much more time holding him than I did! I honestly think it’s a miracle I didn’t get PND, especially since I’ve had trouble with depression in the last.

I know that letting us live in their house was incredibly generous of my PILs, they are essentially decent people (once you get past them being typical Daily Mail reading Leave voters) and I am grateful to them for the kindness they showed us. The thing is, I don’t know how to get past the feelings of pain and resentment that their behaviour in those few weeks have left me with. I dread every visit from them, and would happily never set foot in their house again as long as I live. I know I need to get past it, but how? What do I do?

[Ginfordinner]

They sound overbearing, but I would also like to know where your husband was in this. Why doesn't he have your back?

[Alwayscheerful]

35 years I took my newborn to visit my MIL, she scooped her out my arms and "popped next door" to see "neighbour" and left me sitting alone for 20 mins. I have never forgotten how I felt.
I hope writing it down is cathartic for you. I am so very sorry, sending you

[Stephminx]

@NotALurker2

That’s why she should have enlisted her husband to help then if she didn’t feel she was able to stand up for herself.

[Christmaspug]

No need for daily mail ,leave comment. ,nasty .

[chocatoo]

You can’t go back and change what happened so you can choose to let it gnaw away at you or put it behind you.

[Insaneinthemembury]

They dont sound like bad people and I'd love it if any of my kids grandparents were fighting to hold then... one set hasnt seen them in 5 years.
But its obvious it's upset you a great deal. If it's upset to this extent why on earth hasnt your DH stepped up? Surely his wife's mental health is important than appeasing his parents?

[Frenchw1fe]

OP this happened to my dm 66 years ago when she had my oldest db, she lived with her mil for 2 years. What I will say is whilst I understand why it had a huge effect on my dm and why it has on you please try to come to terms with it.
I have had this story told to me all my life. There is nothing I can do and I actually resent my dm for 1) being so weak and 2) for burdening me with this unfair scenario which I can do nothing to change. Of course my dm wasn’t weak, she was young and overwhelmed.

But please don’t let this incident eat at you. You cannot change what happened but you can live a happy life and enjoy your dc.
You say your il’s are decent people. I suspect you’re more angry with yourself than them. Be kind to yourself and let your experience be a lesson not a punishment.

[LaurieMarlow]

Ok OP. I come prepared having read all your other threads. You always knew this was going to happen, right? Looks like DH still isn’t putting you first. What’s the plan to get out of there?

[Equanimitas]

I had been looking forward to sitting and having a big snuggle with him when we got him home but that moment was taken away from me.

I know you were probably feeling fragile, but it wasn't taken away, was it? It was just slightly postponed.

[Poetryinaction]

I don't think you were treated badly. I think you are very lucky to have livved in their house, and that they clearly love their grandchild so much. I think you needed to be more assertive, and that now you need to accept that you weren't, and move on.

[recycledbottle]

How long ago was all this.? I had a bad experience with my PIL who came to stay for two weeks when DS was a few weeks old. They constantly critiqued me and watched everything I did. They did the holding thing to such an extent that DS ended up sleeping loads during the day and his awake time was at night with just me. They also expected all meals to be made for them. I'm still pissed off about it nine years later. In saying that, I think the reason for all the problems is the fact that the stay was for an extended period. I think the fact you were living with them is what caused the issues. My PIL are overbearing. Yours sound like they are too and thats fine if you say see them for four hours every Sunday. It's the living together that caused the issue and that was a decision that you and DH made so you will have to try move forward. its not PIL fault you decided to live with them. Just like it's not my PIL fault that their son lives abroad so all visits involve seeing each other 24/7.

[AJPTaylor]

It was an unfortunate mis match of expectations, experiences and roles.
You will probably find that they look back on the time fondly!

[Lavendersblue88]

I have similar resentments from my postpartum period. I think it’s the hormones that are raging at that time make the memories very acute and painful.

I desperately wanted to hold my 3 day old baby all the time, to just adore her in my own space, but we were with 10 family members for Christmas (including PIL, DH’s Aunty and BIL). I had this overwhelming sense that everyone was waiting for me to pass her around. 10 pairs of eager eyes on me just waiting! If she squirmed in my arms PIL jumped up and were straight over and in my personal space to watch her wriggle. It was definitely hormones, but I just wanted a metre radius around me kept clear! We also had comments about ‘how can you know she needs feeding, she isn’t crying’ when trying to take her from MIL arms to feed. In the end I had to take myself out of the room for a couple of hours every evening to allow ‘pass the baby’ to happen. It just caused me so much distress in those early days.

I really resent that now and have big regrets on us ever agreeing to do something like that. Relationship with PIL has deteriorated and I barely see them now. It was the first clue to overbearing behaviour from MIL, which worsened when we tried to set boundaries.

The only thing I would say - if the alternative was baby asleep in Moses basket then I do think that being in someone’s arms in those early days is a very positive thing, and I can’t see the harm in that. You weren’t bonding with your baby at those times, so why couldn’t they? I hope things become easier for you now you’re not living with them. I think time will heal these resentments if they’re otherwise reasonable people.

[Sadiee88]

@AngeloMysterioso
I am furious for you.
You should have said something at the time, though I appreciate being in someone else’s house, that’s difficult. You can’t stop people from coming, it wasn’t your house. (But it was your baby!)
There’s not much you can do about it now, but no doubt it’s left you feeling resentful towards your family. You could tell them? but I don’t think they’d care?!
You have to let it go, or speak to your HV or GP about the way you feel if it’s affecting you. It sounds like most of us had unwanted visitors and behaviour after having newborns. I know I did!

[Morporkia]

My Dd and her partner stays with us for a coupe of weeks after my DGS was born as her new home wasn’t quite ready and she had had a caesarean. I ASKED if I could hold him. I ASKED if she wanted me to help with changing etc and I DID her laundry for her because she wasn’t able to lift and she was bloody knackered. He’s now 3 months and I wouldn’t dream of lifting him out of his basket if he’s asleep. If he’s awake he’s fair game though! But DD is fine with that. I know because I ASKED. Parents have priority regardless of who they are with or where they are staying. Good luck in the future Angelo I hope your DH grows a pair when it comes to backing you up with his parents. I have a feeling your going to need it ☹️ 💐

[Morporkia]

Sorry about the spelling mistakes. Combination of fat thumbs and angry texting! 😂

[IndecentFeminist]

I don't know, they sound loving and a little overbearing. There are far worse things.

[StreetwiseHercules]

“ Look at the end of the day your DH didn’t help you enforce any boundaries - if you need to be angry with anyone it’s him.”

That’s it, mix it up, make the situation at home worse. Well done. The OH in this situation was probably under pressure and felt powerless, trying to manage a very stressful situation but yeah, try to cause more problems now. That’ll help.

OP, I completely sympathise with what you went through. It sounds absolutely awful. It’s unfortunate circumstances that you were under their roof at the time and whilst vulnerable you and your OH were to a degree beholden to these people who sound like fucking arseholes.

For those here criticising the OP, you really don’t get it and you say as much. So why stick the boot it?

Are you truly incapable of understanding that not everyone is exactly like you? That not everyone is as confident and outgoing about these things or that YOU might be the outlier with your views?

[1forsorrow]

The laundry bit doesn't make sense to me, you weren't feeding baby in case GD came round? Surely you'd have fed baby then or he'd have needed feeding when GD came round? So instead of baby screaming because you'd been hanging washing out he'd have been screaming when GD was arriving? Sorry I can't see the logic in that.

[Mascarponeandwine]

I think it will just fade in time, though you will still feel a little bit resentful when you very occasionally remember.

Trouble is, all the talk of setting boundaries is blurred if you’re living in their house (presumably cheaper than market rent or free). I think I would feel pissed off if I gave rent free lodging to one of my k

[Mascarponeandwine]

kids and their own family, and they started setting boundaries to make me behave in the way that suited them.

[LaurieMarlow]

The ‘D’H here has significant form in ignoring his wife’s needs and failing to stand up for her.

[Crazybunnylady123]

I get it. Sounds horrendous. All I wanted after I had dd was for my parents to see her first. My parents came to the hospital for a short time after delivery. I then went home with my partner and baby the next day had a few days together and recovery before having my mil up.
Yes I felt mean keeping her away. But me and partner needed to be alone, to adjust and for me to recover. I think she understood.
I will do the same with my next child. It’s my child and I have to do what’s best. This time I have my daughter to consider as well.

[ChipsyChopsy]

I think as other posters have said, it was a very intense time. Living with your ILs would be hard at the best of times, without a new mother and a newborn added to the mix.

I think you need to give yourself a break. It's very hard to assert yourself when living with and relying upon their hospitality. I imagine you learnt a lot about your boundaries in those weeks, which is a positive thing. And your baby was surrounded with love and attention.

I wonder if maybe you are feeling a bit low now?