To not be able to get over how DS and I were treated in the first few weeks of his life?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m sorry, this is a long one...

I gave birth to DS in November last year on a Sunday. At the time we were living with PILs (long story, more than 1 thread about it if anyone cares enough to look it up!). DS ended up being delivered by ventouse and I had to have an episiotomy.

We brought DS home the day after he was born. As soon as we got in the house, the first person to get him out of the car seat and give him a big cuddle was... FIL. Not me. He scooped him out of the car seat before I’d even had a chance to take my coat off. I had been looking forward to sitting and having a big snuggle with him when we got him home but that moment was taken away from me.

We already knew before I’d had DS that BIL and his GF were planning on coming up to stay for a weekend, arriving on the Friday morning- it ended up being the weekend after DS was born. I was in no way ready for yet more people to see me in my raw post partum state but didn’t feel it was my place to object as it was PILs house. When DS was two days old DH and I heard MIL on the phone inviting relatives round on the Friday evening “yeah, come round and see the baby whenever you like!” DH and I were like um, do we have a say in this?! DH spoke to her and asked her very politely to run it by us if she was going to invite people round to see our baby, and she got all upset and offended. So when DS was 5 days old I had to make myself presentable as BIL, BILs GF, MIL’s cousin, her son and his wife all descended on the house. Mercifully DS was asleep in his Moses basket the whole time they were there so I didn’t have to deal with them passing him around like a sack of spuds, but at one point FIL, wanting to show off in front of MILs family, thought it would be a good idea to tickle him while he slept!

Both MIL and FIL had a habit of taking DS out of his Moses basket when he was asleep and holding him for hours instead. Or MIL would get home from work, say she wanted a quick cuddle and several hours later still be holding him. It got to the point that I felt like the only time I ever got to hold my own baby was when I was feeding him. They would also tell us he didn’t really need feeding when he quite clearly did, just because they didn’t want to let him go. At one point FIL even told us we are supposed to wait until DS is screaming before we feed him!

When DS was 4 days old, DH popped round to see his Grandad and invite him round to meet DS. He’d taken DS downstairs and left him asleep in his Moses basket and put some laundry on whilst I got dressed etc and then he went out. When I came downstairs FIL was sitting on the sofa holding DS, having taken him out of his basket. I knew he was due a feed but he seemed ok at the time and I didn’t want to be feeding him when DH and his GD got back, so I went in the kitchen and got the washing out of the machine. DH then text me to say GD had declined the invitation so I could go ahead and feed DS. I went in the front room and told FIL that GD wasn’t coming and I could see DS starting to root around wanting a feed, so I said I was going to feed him. FIL stood up and went to hand DS to me when I said “I’ll hang the washing out afterwards”. FIL sat back down with him and said “No, put the washing out now, you can feed him later” I said again that I wanted to feed him and reached out for him, but FIL actually put his arm out to stop me and in a really patronising voice said “Angelo, babies are hardy, you have to learn to leave them.” (To reiterate, he was 4 days old at this point.) at no point did he offer to put the washing out for me so I could feed DS... but that would have involved letting him go, wouldn’t it?!

Well, I did it. I put the fucking washing out. I cried the entire time, I felt so awful that I’d let FIL bully me into doing something utterly unimportant before feeding my hungry baby. I felt like an awful mother. Whilst I was outside DS started crying, so FIL actually shut the kitchen door so I wouldn’t hear him. By the time I was finished he was properly screaming and I was in flood of tears. I know I should have stood my ground but I was alone and exhausted and didn’t have it in me to argue with FIL in his own house. DH arrived just as I was taking DS upstairs to feed him. He was angry but decided not to say anything as he was grateful to FIL for not having a row with him after he “upset” MIL about the visitors thing. It felt to me like in that instance he was more concerned about not upsetting his parents than he was about his parents upsetting me.

A week after DS was born we had to go back to the hospital as I was concerned that my stitches had split. DH told MIL where we were going as it meant we were going to miss breakfast with them, BIL and his GF and DH’S GD but asked her not to say anything. When we got back she came out to the drive and asked how I was, saying she didn’t want to ask in the house in front of the others. Unfortunately FIL had no such concern for my dignity. The minute we got through the door he was in the hallway with his booming voice “how are your stitches Angelo, alright?” with everyone else sitting a few feet away in the living room. I was mortified. It was bad enough having to face DH’s whole family when I looked and felt like absolute shit, without them knowing all about the fucking stitches in my vagina...

When DS was about a month old PILs decided it was time to decorate the house for Christmas. DH, DS and I were sleeping in the converted attic bedroom at the top of the house and all the decorations were kept in the eaves storage cupboard, so we had to tidy the bedroom so they could get everything out. So we left DS to sleep in his Moses basket in the kitchen. Once again MIL decided to get him out and hold him instead. At some point he woke up but nobody bothered to let me know, and it somehow ended up being me who helped DH and FIL haul boxes of baubles up and down two flights of stairs while MIL cuddled my baby in the kitchen and sang Christmas songs to him.

Looking back now I feel like the first few weeks of DS life are completely overshadowed by all this for me. I feel like nobody gave a crap about me once he was born or how all this made me feel... from the minute we got back from the hospital I had to share my baby with PILs and I really worry about how it’s affected my bond with him. At one point I even thought that DS wouldn’t know I was his mummy as MIL seemed to spend so much more time holding him than I did! I honestly think it’s a miracle I didn’t get PND, especially since I’ve had trouble with depression in the last.

I know that letting us live in their house was incredibly generous of my PILs, they are essentially decent people (once you get past them being typical Daily Mail reading Leave voters) and I am grateful to them for the kindness they showed us. The thing is, I don’t know how to get past the feelings of pain and resentment that their behaviour in those few weeks have left me with. I dread every visit from them, and would happily never set foot in their house again as long as I live. I know I need to get past it, but how? What do I do?

[Imtootired]

I think most of that stuff sounds pretty normal and I don’t think you can be too precious about most of it seeing as you were living in their house. You’re lucky they wanted you there and that they love your baby. If you’re not in your own place you can’t have things how you want 100%. Them holding the baby while he was sleeping might have been nice for the baby and helped settle him. I think you just need to move on and be happy your baby has family that love him. Do things how you want in your own house and if you have another baby in the future get organised beforehand.

[newlifenewme2020]

I think posters are being really harsh on you OP. MumsNet had a campaign about the intrusive bounty women which I totally agree with but the way. But one of the many issues with it was that women who give birth feel vulnerable and maybe not in a position to stand up for themselves.
Some posters will come back at me and say “it’s not the same” and ok you were not in the hospital but you got discharged the day after your son was born and were railroaded into having visitors, your baby kept away from you by the constant holding.
If you had said your in-laws had been round at your house, took the baby out the car for the first time and arranged loads of visitors without consulting you posters would have agreed with you.

[newlifenewme2020]

Also the fact that your DH was letting you lug boxes downstairs while your MiL held the baby is awful.

[Casino218]

The real problem here was having a baby whilst living with PIL. That's a recipe for disaster and no one on the planet would have persuaded me to do that. Sorry can't be bothered to look up why but I think most PIL would encroach on a new mother's personal space. Perhaps your DH should have been more assertive?

[Shortfeet]

No mention of your husband in any of this. He should have helped you feel better about the situation.

Also it’s a big deal for anyone to give a home to their grown up child, wife, and baby . There’s always going to be tensions.
YourDaily Mail/ leave voters comment was unkind and snidey.

Do what it takes to move on and good luck

[Jenny70]

The laundry was wrong of FIL definitely, but his take was probably that he was helping by letting you get the job done - move forward by knowing that you are your baby's advocate in situations where he can't speak - and you need to be clear and direct in order to protect them, against family, friends and strangers.

The cuddling for hours when baby was supposed to be in moses basket, meh, I'd rather they were held than left to sleep. My newborns didn't have any "awake" periods, so anyone wanting a cuddle had to cuddle them whilst asleep... they just sleep, wake, fed, changed, slept. Unless you had specifically asked them to leave baby in moses basket because of XYZ, or moses basket was in your room and you were in shower, expecting to come back and have your own time with the baby.

So be understanding that they love your child, be strong to know that your opinion matters and you and DH are your child's voice and be somewhat forgiving that things don't always seem as clear cut as they do later with hindsight.

[TartanMarbled]

I recommend some online counselling.

[HoppingPavlova]

The only thing that sounds awry here is forcibly keeping your baby from you with the laundry incident. Is this a one off or has it occurred more than once?

The problem here is that you are not in a great position. You are living in someone else’s house. If you are not paying them board then they are keeping a roof over your head and preventing your baby from being homeless. If you are paying board, it doesn’t really mean anything but move out ASAP and pay that board as rent instead and then you will be in a position of control. If you can’t afford rent yourself make it your absolute number 1 priority and move out.

I would let go of the baby being held while it’s asleep, it won’t hurt at all. One of mine slept for around 22hrs per day until around 18mths (was tube fed expressed milk so no need to be awake). We had respite people come each day so we could sleep as we would stay up and monitor them during the night plus had toddler to look after. The respite carers all held them during their shifts apart from when they went to the loo or had snacks/lunch. No way odd or harmful to hold a sleeping baby. Our baby also knew damn well who their parents were, did not get us confused with their workers with whom they also had a close bond that I welcomed- the more people that live a child and make it feel safe and secure the better! Said child is now a very emotionally stable older teenager who I probably have the closest bond with out of all my kids, even though they were initially in hosp for over 6 mths before getting them home.

The other thing is, you will have this child for life. Gone is that saying for 18 years. Nowadays you just can’t shift them so move that to at least 25. You will have this person for the next 20 years, it’s not some be all end all sprint at the beginning that you have to win, it’s one heck of a marathon that you are with them for.

[Shoxfordian]

The laundry incident was wrong but the rest seems like typical over invested grandparents

You're the mum, you'll always be mum, none of this takes away from that

[FenellaMaxwell]

The laundry thing is bad but the rest of it really isn’t. What does it matter if they want to cuddle a newborn while they sleep as opposed to leaving them in the Moses basket? It’s nice for the grandparents and nice for the baby and it’s not as if it makes any difference to you?

[Luckystar20]

Tbh why would you have a baby when you live with you're pil that set up was never going to work. You're married you need to have your own independence away from the pils.

[FenellaMaxwell]

Also you suggested looking at your other threads, so I did. There appear to be lots of people around you who bother you - your neighbours, children playing outside, your DM, your PILs. I think you need to focus on ways to let it go and focus on your baby, and on yourself, not keep focusing on other people as the cause for everything that you aren’t happy about.

[Brazi103]

Yanbu to feel this way op. I think tormenting yourself over it is only going to drive you crazy. The situation was that you lived in their home so it was unfortunate but you had to let alot slide because they provided a home for your baby. There wasnt much you could do.
I think you need to ask yourself if they were malicious or not. It doesnt seem like they were, just that they were overbearing with no boundaries. The opposite could have happened. They could have made you feel like a burden being there and the baby an inconvenience to their life.

I think you have to find peace and accept that situation left you with little options but now going forward you can have clear boundaries of what is acceptable to you. The thing is, they arent going to know how overbearing they are if no one is going to point it out to them as they are clearly doing what's normal to them.
So if you have to speak up and then someone gets offended, then you just say I'm sorry but those are my boundaries and if you dont like it so be it.

[InfiniteSheldon]

House yourself, set your own boundaries and appreciate what they did right rather than dwelling on mainly imaginary ways you've been 'wronged'. Set a plan of action: get your own home and pay your own bills.

[Figgygal]

Get your husband to stand up
Where is he in all this?

Other than the washing incident and not letting you feed I’d not have been bothered by the rest of it but you were I’d think of how you can move on from it as allowing it to fester could lead to mental health issues

[MsTSwift]

Well living in their house at this stage was always going to be a challenge how on earth did that come about?

You are hyper focussing on their negatives. Would it help to try to identify the kindnesses shown while you were there? Also the fact they put you up was nice of them.

[Soontobe60]

So you're living with your PILs, but want them to ignore the baby? And you want to dictate who they do or don't invite to their own house?

The only thing I have issue with here is the washing episode. First of all, unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere, why are you hanging out washing in December? It won't dry! Second, I'd have just taken my baby off whomever was holding him to feed him. What would your foil have done, wrestlednyou to the ground?

You sound like you're allowing these people to walk all over you but haven't actually told them what the issue is. You and DH need to sit down with them, tell them how it's making you feel, and set some boundaries.

[pictish]

I think you’re being a little precious. The issue was really owing to your living arrangements rather than your in laws being at fault. They haven’t taken anything away from you they just enjoyed having their newborn grandson around. You found it intrusive and felt vulnerable which is totally understandable but I don’t think they sought to upset you.

[MissSmith1]

Time is the greatest healer.
I have annoyance still about things that happened when I gave birth to my first 30 years ago! It's a very emotional time for some of us (some seem to sail through it all).
I can empathise with how you feel. Perhaps get a bit of counselling (could Health Visitor help there?) where you can pour out your feelings. Failing that write it all down, I think getting it all out will help.
Baby will keep you busy and other events will put these things to the back of your mind gradually.

[Rachelfromfriends1]

They sound patronising/overbearing but I also think that you/your husband could have mitigated the later issues by standing your ground to begin with

[MonaLisaDoesntSmile]

I have unresolved feelings of resentment towards my otherwise very kind MIL over some of the things she said or did after I gave birth. She is esentially a helicopter parent/grandparetn who believes she knows everything best, and a worrier, and on top of that obsessed with her first grandchild. She is generous and lovely, but overprotective and made a lot of comments about me not breastfeeding (it was impossible for us unfortunately), and other things, and I still feel angry at her years down the line. The only solution for me would be to tell her how awful she was while she thought she was being helpful, but I know that would hurt her, piss off my partner who forgot all about it, and spoil our relationship, so I just bottled it up. Ii set up very firm boundaries now and I am very assertive. It makes visits to their house managgeable when I shut her down when she sais things I dont like, and she had to learn to respect my boundaries, which was a bit difficult for her, but hey, it's all good now.

[MonaLisaDoesntSmile]

Above being said, I think my bond with my child is stronger because of that, not the other day around! So don't worry about it, babies know who their Mum is :)

[pictish]

“ from the minute we got back from the hospital I had to share my baby with PILs and I really worry about how it’s affected my bond with him.”

This says a lot. OP this is your anxiety talking. The more people to love and care for a baby, the better. That other family members held him while he slept is nice and won’t have affected your bond with your baby at all.

I would advise speaking to your health visitor about your concerns...I think she might be able to help you in allaying your agitation over this. You’re a good, loving mum. Anxiety is a git. Don’t allow it to cause resentment.

[MsTSwift]

My in laws came to stay for 3 days when dd2 born their behaviour was baffling. They behaved as if it was a perfectly normal visit expected to be “hosted” as usual did no cooking and bought no food with them just chiomped through all the food my mother had made. Dd2 was 5 weeks early and not feeding properly so I was totally distracted and actually snapped at fil when he said he didn’t want a take away but home cooked. Dd2 is 10 now but this still pisses me off!

[greenlavender]

I don't think most of this is bad. Having a baby is stressful, living with ILs is stressful. You have to find a way to put it to bed as it's still harming you & that's not healthy.