To ask for ocd recovery stories

[marmite92]

I've posted on mental health but putting it here for traffic- I've had ocd for years now and it's getting worse. It's not cleaning or tidying or anything, it's obsessive and intrusive thoughts ranging from health stuff to instructive thoughts of doing inappropriate things when I'm with people or worrying about hurting them, I feel so embarrassed admitting it as I've never told anyone those thoughts before. This is followed by hours of googling to reassure myself, sometimes I can't even get work done because I need to google whatever it is I'm worried about first which turns into a couple hours.

I've got a lot of stress in my life at the moment as my mum is terminally ill and I've not long broken up from a serious relationship who I was living with. I keep this hidden apart from a very close friend who knows, and I am in a successful professional relationship but I wish I could feel 'normal', I'm only in my late 20s. Does anyone have positive stories of how they've beaten this or at least had periods where they aren't obsessively worrying?

OP I've PM'd you.

Sorry I have no experience or suggestions OP but I just wanted to say good luck getting the help you need and well done for being so brave as to reach out like this

I've just recently been properly diagnosed with ocd mine is the same as you intrusive thoughts and health anxiety. I'm having a really horrendous time at the moment and for the first time I've actually took diazepam to cope. I've had ocd for years. For me i live with it mostly ok through taking anti depressants but they have recently been increased as well. This is a particularly bad time but I have been told me ocd is very treatable. Sending you a hug it's not easy

Thank you everyone, I meant to say successful job not relationship, so i want to get this under control as I just cannot focus on work properly.

It's truly awful, I've obsessed in the past over HIV, cancer etc and more recently about decisions I've made and I ruminate and google them for ages. It's exhausting and I just wish something would fix it :( I'm scared to take anti depressants in case I can't come off them or they numb me. I've had cbt a couple years ago which helped temporarily but since the last year when I've had a lot of stress it's come back with a vengeance

Yes the ocd is still there and pokes it head up at times of mega stress but mostly I’m in control now... it’s taken a long time and a lot of trying to rewire my brain

Thanks @Freddiefox can I ask how did you rewire your brain? Through cbt or meditation or something else?

I really really struggled with this last year - just as you describe!
In my head I’ve had every cancer under the sun, ME, hiv, the list is endless!!

3 things really helped me

• a 6 week group cbt course. Really dreaded going but it really helped
• reading ‘help me, I’m a hypochondriac’ and ‘the worry trick’

But the biggest help was looking at this... www.goodmedicine.org.uk/files/ocd,%20normal%20intrusions,%20tahoma.doc

Seeing just how normal my intrusive thoughts were made them so much less scary!

And the less scary these thoughts became, the less often they seemed to happen until they had all but gone!

I would be really interested in this as my daughter is going through this now and im utterly exhausted i dont know what to do . I can literally see her thoughts pulling her down and im lost

It wasn’t one thing in particular, but I read a look about ocd so I understood it, I used to write things down along with the reality of the situations. So what do I feel, and what is real, is it really real or how I feel, so taking the emotion out of situations.

I also used self help workbooks, checking in with my feelings.

I distract myself, I have a love for furniture restoration so spent hours on Pinterest, (never actually restoring anything as yet)

I also thing age has played a big part and as I’ve got older my self esteem had grown, and I care less about what others people thinn of me.
It’s still there at times but I physical 9 times out of 10 can mentally walk away. By physically changing what I’m doing or thinking of something else.

Mindfull ness can help with relaxing.

I have an absolute determination to not go back on anti depressants and fight the cause rather than the symptoms.

9 our of 10’i can manage it, by changing the environment, moving rooms or forcing myself to think of different things

Also I’m a lot more positive now and as I become more self aware and positive the thoughts have lost their power.

Watching with interest too! I'm 31 and 17 years of treatment hasn't cured it!

I hope you are okay Marmite92, it sounds like you have a lot to cope with so it's no wonder you're struggling with OCD at the moment.

OP - I am so sorry about your mum, & that you are having to manage the horrible OCD, & coping with extra stress is pushing you into the old self-perpetuating cycle.
It's not your fault, & you ARE "normal".
You just need some help getting to a place where you can enjoy being you without the intrusive stuff blocking your sense of balance.

I don't have any expertise to offer, but some experience - although weirdly, I wasnt aware that I'd been managing OCD for decades until I read this - www.amazon.co.uk/Mad-Girl-Bryony-Gordon/dp/1472232089?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It's kinda promoted as a more lighthearted romp than it actually is.
There are certainly laughs, & it's not for the faint-hearted or those who disapprove of excessive youthful antics! but Bryony is excruciatingly honest with herself (in a modest-enough & helpful way, not some ghastly "oh look at me" celeb confessional way).

I learned a lot from it, & the writing style encouraged resonances & helped me make connections. Wiser posters will be along with advice, but I couldn't read of your distress & not at least post to say "yeah, been there, I get it, & you deserve support & expert help."

Oh - & it got better for me with some CBT (didn't do enough, but am not dealing with any mega stressors currently so ...) & some general talking therapy.

I hope you can get back to your own CBT as it helped you last time - I suspect that the more you do it, the more it helps, so if you can access some expert guidance to help you maximise its application to your specific situation, please make time for it.

You are very young compared with me. I promise - experience helps. As the decades roll by, perspective changes, with luck wisdom increases, & the Noble Art Of Not Giving A Fuck becomes ever more appealing & easier to adopt ...

I have had some CBT which has worked to some extent. I'm not 'normal' but I'm not quite the wreck I was. Mine lurches with things that are stressful.
Don't be afraid of anti depressants. I've had them several times for a year or two and come off them
for you and your mum.

I was diagnosed at 14 for a very similar type of ocd, it was so bad I didn't leave the house for a year at one point.

I have taken a very low dose of fluoxetine on/off over the years which is helpful if I have a bit of A stressful flare up
Staying on a contraceptive pill keeps my anxiety down during periods so less likely to panic over thoughts
Running/ exercise

However cbt and actually educating myself on ocd was key.
My therapist actually provided me with research journals on ocd as it was so hard for me to believe I wasn't "crazy" and the only one.

The more I tried to fight my ocd the stronger it became, when I accepted it and allowed my self to experience the emotions, it's as if it's power was removed. So now instead of tensing and panicking if I have a thought, I just acknowledge it an let it pass with out giving it any significance.

I don't think it will every truly go but I'm not afraid of it anymore, they are thoughts not my reality xx

@annie987 thank you for your link -
Seeing just how normal my intrusive thoughts were made them so much less scary!

Yes!
& once they are less scary, they are so much easier to dismiss.
Like @Freddiefox says -
9 our of 10’i can manage it, by changing the environment, moving rooms or forcing myself to think of different things

I have certainly found this, & use those techniques, but have also found that e.g. the 3am exhausted insomnia thought are usually switch-offable just by catching on to myself. (& even insomnia is less frequent now, & less disturbing when it happens.)

Marmite, I can't tell you exactly how, or what specific technique or therapy brought it about, as the process has felt more holistic than that - but a combo as per my post above, plus a lot of mindfulness & self-care has left me far more in charge of what thoughts are allowed to occupy my mind.
CBT is definitely responsible for a lot of it though. Quite often, the insomniac intrusive thoughts (the worst, because mental exhaustion, & less propensity to just use physical distractions like Freddie's) can be dismissed in a very few seconds now. Sometimes that can be as simole as "woah! - I'm doing it again - CBT!" - literally, just saying "CBT" out loud to myself can be enough to jolt the intrusions far enough away that I can relax into consciously willed positive thoughts.
Relaxing is the key, isn't it, & at root of the awful Catch-22 of this thing!

To give you some hope, I did (half) a CBT course online I think 3 years ago, with some separate talking therapy for a few months last year. The improvement & relief is immense.
Possibly because I did a fair bit of psych. therapy (Gestalt) 3 decades ago to help deal with fallout of abusive childhood (BPD mother) the building blocks were there, becaue I think 3 years input for this much result is petty major.
But Marmite, you have your OWN building blocks, you are already managing a great deal at a relatively young age, which proves your strength & resiliance - your own journey has every chance of becoming a much more comfortable one, & possibly much sooner than you currently may feel is achievable.
Given the pressure you are under, finding time for your own self-care & relaxation won't be easy - but you deserve respite from the exhaustion of OCD thoughts, & you must prioritise yourself & your own MH.

CBT has helped me in the past. I’ve recently found myself losing control of my OCD more so I’ve gone back To my GP for another referral.

OCD really is terrible. I’m sick to death of being convinced I have cancer, being convinced my kids have cancer.

Tunnocks34 it's utterly exhausting isn't it ? I genuinely wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Hi op,

I was diagnosed with ocd around 5 years ago and was put on a fairly high dose of Sertraline,

My ocd manifests in two ways:

1. Being obsessively clean and organised
2. Intrusive thoughts.

I can handle, even enjoy being so obsessive about cleaning, but the thoughts were another thing. It was like constantly playing ‘chicken’ with myself in my own brain.

I would note that DH was a little later home from work. The logical part of my brain would think ‘traffic’. The ocd part would however take over and think ‘if you do not do ___, then your husband will have had something dreadfully awful happen to him’. I’d have almost graphic, photographic images of family/friends pop up in my brain and to prevent these atrocities, I’d have to do something to help him/them be safe.

One rainy November evening it all came to a head, when I found myself barefoot in the front garden, in nothing but shorts and a vest. I was holding a computer monitor and standing on one leg. It sounds hilarious, but this was the ‘challenge’ my brain set itself to get my family home safely to me. I had to wait like this outside, until their return (which incidentally was around 45 minutes). By the time DH and DS arrived home, I was a freezing, soaking, tired, aching mess.

I honestly thought I was going crazy. I thought the ‘challenges’ were voices and that I had some form of schizophrenia. I was relieved to find this was ‘typical’ ocd.

Medication helped. Within a week I felt pleasant. Two weeks on, I was feeling more ‘normal’. I stopped getting the intrusive thoughts. A few years on I stopped taking the sertraline And attended a MIND class. Whilst I’ve had a few episodes, they are nowhere near the severity they were and I have the ability to tell myself, stop being ridiculous.

People who have never experienced ocd can never understand how powerful those thoughts can be. I pity anyone who has them. But it can and does get better if you can find a good doctor who understands and stick to the medication/therapy that is given.

Thank you all so much, it helps hugely to hear other people's stories and just know I'm not alone. Everyone just thinks I'm a bit of a hypochondriac or worrier but they don't realise how utterly draining it all is.

After I split with my ex because we'd got married in a church the thoughts switched to religion which I've never had before because I'm not religious but I suddenly couldn't stop thinking of hell as crazy as it sounds. That's stopped now and instead I'm obsessively worrying about people gossiping about our break up and I heard someone had told a work colleague why we split up which wasn't true. It's exhausting and I feel I can never have a break because whatever it is I'm worried about my brain says this is the 'real' worry so I have to google for hours to find an answer to whatever it is

I'm going to book in to see gp to see if I can be referred for cbt. I was a bit concerned that wouldn't help because my ocd seems to switch to different types but maybe a more general cbt course about thoughts and compulsions would be helpful. I'll also read some of the links and buy a couple of books everyone's suggested.

I just want to get my life back on track. I've finally got my dream job and I'm about to move to my dream city and I just want to enjoy it and have hope for the future of meeting someone and feeling confident and happy again

I should add just in case it looks confusing on my latest post- I got married last year because of my mums diagnosis we married in a rush as I was so distraught and my mum loved him, and we were very recently engaged actually, but we split a few months after the wedding because he just wasn't who I thought he was, a bit controlling and would sulk if I wasn't doing what he wanted and was jealous of my career plans.

It was mutual because he realised it had also been a mistake that we'd done because of my mum, and I think he then realised he wanted someone who he felt more important than and not very ambitious, but it was really sad and distressing. I beat myself for ages and thought about marrying him and how I'd made the biggest mistake of my life and my life is as ruined etc. So it really has been the most stressful year of my life which is probably why my symptoms are so bad

Op - you've had so much to cope with, it's unsurprising your symtoms have worsened.
I would definitely ask for a CBT referral.

I would definitely look at ACT (acceptance & commitment therapy.) which is another CB therapy... A bit more modern, and has good efficacy... There's a workbook on ACT for OCD

www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-treatment/ocd-therapy/

Thank you @IamtheDevilsAvocado I haven't heard of that type of therapy but I will read into it. How easy is it to access this kind of stuff on the nhs? I'm willing to try anything to be honest just to have some peace

So sorry you’re going through this OP

I read about a guy who had horrific intrusive thoughts (think killing his family) and he ran away to the RAF so that they could help him. I think what ultimately helped him was mindfulness, as others have suggested.