To ask experienced mums of two how you managed a difficult toddler when your newborn arrived?

[Napqueen1234]

Posting for traffic. DD1 (2.5) has been really difficult since the arrival of DC2 10 days ago. I know it’s a huge life change for her and completely to be expected I just wondered if anyone had any tips or experience of how long it lasted?

Shes normally a happy well behaved thing (for a 2 year old) but the last few days have been constant grumping, refusing to cooperate, being belligerent (ie wanting to go to the park then refusing to walk, move, do anything).

I find myself caught between wanting to wrap her up and let her get away with it because I know it’s a really hard time and also wanting to be strict and nip it in the bud and not indulge her so it becomes the norm.

Have done all the normal stuff- involving her we much as possible, 1:1 time with me and her dad as much as possible, present from the baby etc. I just wondered did your kids go back to ‘normal’ and how soon? Any amazing tips and tricks to help this along?

Sorry if I sound unduly harsh I love her to bits and have tried to be as supportive as possible lots of cuddles at bedtime and telling her how good she has been. I think I’m panicking as DH is back to work soon and I’m worried how to cope with both.

Sounds like my oldest when her brother came along. We were walking on eggshells and it felt like my lovely, happy little girl had gone. I then heard myself and how I spoke to her. It was me. I was harsh. Stressed and she picked up on it. Once my attitude changed so did her behaviour.

Hello, mine are 17 and 19 now but reading your OP brought it all back! At first DS1 was a nightmare, he actually started withholding his poo in protest. It was very hard work as the fridge was in the garage and I couldn't leave DS2 in the house with DS1 because he wasn't safe! I think the switch happened as DS2 became more 'interactive', he was the only one who could make him laugh and boy was DS2 in love with his bigger brother and would chortle away for hours at the crazy things done to get a giggle. It got better from that point (only a few weeks old). By the time he was sitting up I had to stop DS1 spoiling him rotten, everything he wanted was brought to him, he was so late walking because there was no point when he had a slave who would do it all for him.

Anyway, I'm around a lot for a hand hold, this bit is brilliant but it's not always easy. I miss those days and am happy to be out of it all at the same time.

I had 2 dcs 16 months apart, as my DH worked away a lot and we were overseas l had no help.

I coped by having set routines, in fact l followed the contented toddler book by Gina Ford. It was a lifesaver.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. It's really hard because on the one hand you can understand that it is a massive life change and you want to make her feel better but on the other hand you don't want to let her get away with naughtiness!

I would say try and treat her exactly as you would if there were no new baby, but make sure you give her enough attention.

The thing is her life has permanently changed so she will have to permanently adapt. Eventually she won't remember baby not being there but unfortunately in my experience they will always compete for attention! As they get older they will be more entertained by each other though so that's a bonus!!

10 days is very little time to get used to it. I wouldn't worry about nipping it in the bud /it becoming a norm. If it is actually naughty stuff then obvs you have to say don't do it (I'd do it very very gently) but otherwise just breezy ignoring the strops and LOADS of cuddles. Let her sit next to you while you feed DC2, cuddling her at the same time if poss. Spend time with her alone if you can (not always possible I know). Sit tight! She'll get through it. You just have to be understanding.

You sound like you are doing everything right. With the 1:1 time could you feed baby and then take DD1 out of the house for a trip, just to the library, cafe, play park, toy shop just you and her (leave baby with dad). Praise every little thing you can and don't stress over small belligerences.

I used to play card games with my eldest whilst feeding the baby , or get her to cuddle up and read with her, so that although I was feeding the baby my focus was on DD. I also involved her in decisions about what clothes to put on baby, did she think baby needed a coat on to go out, did she think the bay could smile or was it gas, how small were the baby's hands compared to hers etc..

Simplify your life if you can, make easy food, get in a stock of small games/activities/books for DD as distractions when needed. Don't try to be too ambitious. Try to keep your sanity and stress down. Babies are a bit boring, once the baby can sit up and laugh they will most likely be mates.

I have a back issue so slings weren't for me but my friends all swear by them, put baby in a sling and you have hands free to get on with things with DD

Mine eldest was like this 35 years ago when I brought home child 2. Stood by my side and weed on the floor every time I sat down to feed the baby, couldn’t be left alone as the one time he was, dragged the baby out of the Moses basket by his neck.
But less than a year later it was completely different and they were best friends and playmates throughout childhood. We even went to family therapy at one point but was told it was normal behaviour.
My health visitor told me once that it is like your husband saying to you “ I love you so much that I’m bringing another one home just like you to live here as well”
Best wishes to you, hang on in there, all will be fine.

Following with interest, due in May and worried about the same thing.

My health visitor told me once that it is like your husband saying to you “ I love you so much that I’m bringing another one home just like you to live here as well”

Great analogy.

I hated my brother when he was first born and I was six so older and should’ve had more understanding but I just didn’t, I hated him. I still remember being jealous because he got to stay downstairs when I had to go to bed for example. Felt like he had stolen my Mum away, had huge resentment towards him.

Best thing is to keep reading to her, keep cuddling her lots, keep reaffirming how special she is and how much you love her etc. Make sure she doesn’t feel pushed out, get your DH to perhaps take her out for some 1:1 time or vice versa.

Mostly CBeebies. I had dd1 then twins (poor dd1 ). Despite watching loads of CBeebies age 3, she's now 12 and scored top marks in year 6 sats and is very bright. She's fiercely independent and amenable now

You need to give it about 6 weeks. It sounds like a long time, but it's been a big change and everyone needs to adjust. Try and keep routines and boundaries as much as possible, but if what you need to do involves new toys / extra snacks / more tv, go for it. As much attention as you can when you can and remember its just a phase.

I have a 2yo and 3mo. Honestly it's horrible for them. I have all the mum guilt about having another baby. We still get tantrums and emotional outburts fairly regularly although it is improving. I am actually reading about parenting toddlers now (How to talk so children will listen, the whole brain child etc) and I am really making an effort to change how I interact with my toddler to try to avoid the tantrums. I think, like a pp, he had been picking up on my stress/tiredness/impatience while I have been expecting too much of him as he seems so much bigger than ds2 but is really a baby himself still. It's a learning curve for us all!

Thank you all so much for your advice. Glad to hear there is generally light at the end of the tunnel. I will try to catch myself before I lose patience and remember how huge it is for her and how young she still is. She looks so big now compared to the baby!

I am going through this atm
I just know that it is normal and it will pass so keep repeating that
It is better when baby sleeps and I can play with toddler

And yes, now toddler looks huge

Tbh I felt like we'd made a massive mistake for ages adding another baby in. We went out lots with baby in the sling. Keeping a day of nursery was needed for my sanity and we watched a lot of tv - Bob the builder. Anything to survive.

Almost 3 years later and they are the best of friends and adore each other. They chased each other round for hours the other day whilst I cracked on with housework, it was brilliant!

KatnissK you are right! They are still so little. I remember my friend’s first child, a 2 year old when my second one was 2. She expected so much of her whilst my second at the same age was still a baby in my eyes, wish I had realised that when number one was just 2 and coping with a “ rival”

Mine were exactly 2 years apart and I found it much more difficult than I expected I would!

In hindsight like others have said I think I expected too much of my two year old at the time. I'm not sure how you are recovering physically but I tried to get out much earlier after DC2 in order to keep DC1 entertained. To be honest in the first year DC2 was mainly just the tag along in a sling for wherever DC1 wanted to go!

In time it will get easier!

Great advice already. From me the short answer is: I wish I’d paid more attention to the toddler. With a newborn all your instincts tell you to focus on their needs but their needs are simple: love, food. In my experience making the effort to put all other emotional energy on the toddler will go a long way to lessening the impact of a new sibling. Dint overthink it - she just needs to know you still love her.

I agree with keeping it simple, keep ambitions low and be easy on yourself and them. Just give everyone time to adjust. If some sleep deprived days you all just sit on the sofa nd cuddle in front of the TV, get a take away while you're at it, who cares? Being calm and loved is the most important thing. Your toddler doesn't need constant stimulation from you, put loads of toys out and she'll learn some independence while you make encouraging comments occasionally and try not to pass out.

It was a good month (DS just turned 3, DD is 5m old). Maybe even 6 weeks.

Be patient. Keep as much of your normal routine as you can.Gently "Tell the baby off" as you would the older child so they feel treatment is fair eg "Baby, none of that crying please, that's enough". Also make sure you verbalise that you are taking turns to meet needs "sorry baby, you will have to wait 5 mins for your nappy changed, I must make toddler their lunch".

Honestly by 3m in they've forgotten life pre sibling. Mine now does lovely things, brings her toys etc.

Thanks again and some really good tips especially ‘telling off’ baby for fairness such a good idea!

I’ve taken all these suggestions on- today was as calm as possible and used distraction as much as possible to try and help behaviour. Took older DD to soft play for an hour between feeds on her own for some 1:1 time. Also we realised the difficult bedtimes were partly due to DD being upset at us all being downstairs together without her so we pretending to put baby to bed at half 6 (and snuck them down later on) and she went down SO much better. felt so much better about any difficult moments knowing it does get better!

Think there's some excellent advice here. When the going gets tough, do consider cbeebies or bribery!