To not want to have to organise a friend’s hen party with a newborn

[Toastytoes1]

My friend and I are both pregnant and due the same time in the next few months. She’s been engaged over a year but has now decided quite suddenly to book her wedding for September when previously she’d been talking about the end of next year. So all being well both our babies will be 6 months old at the time of the wedding.
I’m her only bridesmaid and its always been the plan that I would organise her hen party but I’m now thinking how on Earth is that going to work with such a young baby? I’ve just organised my sister’s which has been stressful enough trying to manage it whilst pregnant with the support of the other bridesmaid but to have to organise this one on my own with a newborn. Also, I recently turned down a September invite for a hen party because I just couldn’t commit to it financially and whether emotionally I’d be ready to be away from the baby by then but this hen of course would end up being even earlier than September so likely with a 4/5 month old at most. I’m hoping to exclusively breast feed but can’t exactly take a baby on the hen party but I don’t feel its fair on my friend to not organise her a good hen because she did such a good job planning mine and I’ve been really looking forward to planning hers but suddenly with the wedding now just around the corner, I’m finding I can’t be excited for her because I’m just stressed about how on Earth I can manage to plan it. Its not even as though I can realistically say to her that I can’t manage that because she has the entire wedding to plan with a young baby as well so don’t want to give her the stress of having to plan her own hen as well. I have suggested she reconsider the date; not for my benefit of course but I genuinely think she’s underestimating the amount of pressure she’s putting on herself to plan a wedding in such a short space of time whilst having a newborn as well but she’s quite adamant she wants to do that so I can only try and support her from here but I am feeling annoyed that this also places pressure on me to try and arrange her hen when I should be just focusing on my own baby. We’re both first time Mums so have no idea really what things will be like until after they’re here but I just don’t want to spend those precious first few months with my baby stressing over planning, managing and organising a hen do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Depends entirely what type of hen do she has in mind - afternoon tea locally - no issue, week in Las Vegas - issue!

Ask before you panic...

I had my hen dinner when my daughter was 3 months old , there wasnt much planning involved as my friend who was supposed to take the leas due to her own circumstances at the time did very little so I planned it myself. planning consisted of large Facebook group message , right we are doing such and such a thing on this date, this is what deposits are required who is coming ? That was it. meal in a nice restaurant and a night out round Blackpool. I was home for 3am and little one was tucked up safely with dad
With you both having babies that young I'm assuming a weekend away is out of the question as it would be for most with a 6 month old so what actual planning is involved ??

Really need to start spell checking !!

It all depends on what type of hen do she wants - talk to her!!

Ask her about doing a single childless last night out with friends, then tell her you will do a baby free meal just before the wedding.

I think you are overreacting a bit. I organised my sisters who lived on the other side of the world,she came back for hen and wedding. My first born was 4 months old, the hen party was a night away,I had a ball, I knew my daughter was well cared for by her Dad.

The organising was fine, it was a welcome distraction while at home with a newborn. It does not have to be stressful.

Agree with the bride what to do and then just send group emails to all invited.

The first thing you need to do is talk to your friend, and find out what sort of hen party she has in mind.

Organising and attending a hen party that’s a weekend abroad packed with activities, is very different from organising and attending a hen party that’s afternoon tea at a local hotel.

If she wants something that’s going to take a lot of effort in terms of planning, then now’s the time to say that you’re worried that you won’t be able to do a good job while looking after your first baby.
How easy it is to fit planning things like hen parties around a small baby does depend to an extent on how easy the baby is.

@MsPasspartout totally agree with this. If the hen does want a big event it might be best if someone else organises so she doesn’t have to compromise on what she wants. Being a first time Mum comes with such an unknown level of stress and time needed. As does planning a hen do if it’s a big event. I personally wouldn’t do it based on how stressful my hen and wedding ended up being. I just wouldn’t have been able to do it with a young baby. However if it’s just a pub meal, it’ll probably be doable.

Speak to your friend! Explain it all, in a nice non-confrontational way about the logistics.

She might just want a local meal or a gathering at her house with the babies asleep upstairs. You need to talk to her about her expectations.

If you need help, ask for it! Does she have a mum, a sister, cousin or other friends you could ask for help?

By 6 months you should have a pretty good rhythm going, I agree try to plan it before baby comes or at least most of it so it doesn’t pile up on you. I’d try and keep it pretty low key, in terms of you can still go clubbing etc whatever you want to do but try to stay away from anything that has to be prepaid I’m advance as trying to collect money from a bunch of people can be REALLY stressful.

Do local activities. My DDs hen do was a treasure trail around our local city (just downloaded instructions off the internet), afternoon tea then a games night at ours. Next day was bowling and lunch out. Great weekend and relatively cheap. Easy to organise too especially if you can recruit a helper from the guests. Why is she just having one bridesmaid?

Why is she just having one bridesmaid?

Why not? I only had one.
The current fashion for having 6+ bridesmaids is getting ridiculous.

How easy it is to fit planning things like hen parties around a small baby does depend to an extent on how easy the baby is.

I agree. I suspect that posters saying that the OP is making a meal of it had easy babies.

Your pregnant and worried and getting a little stressed by this. Which is ok and normal. So break it down. Firstly - speak to your friend. See what's she's thinking and set expectations. If she says a weekend in Ibiza explain that you can't join her in doing that as your baby will be too young for you to be happy leaving him/her. If she says she will leave her child then simply say you understand that everyone is different but you can't do that. (She may well feel different once baby is here). Then you bow out of organising it. If on the other hand she suggests a day out locally - then get names of people who want to come. Send out a save the date and then forget about it until your babies are here. Worry about it closer to the time when you both have more idea about the impact of the kids on you.

If people want to have weekend long flings, they shouldn't have babies first! So if she wants something, it had better be a local party.

Why on earth have hen do? Madness

Have a conversation with her regarding expectations. But I'd definitely be suggesting an afternoon tea with cocktails or something. Maybe the evening meal and then those who want to go clubbing can. Its all the fucking about with multiple deposits for different "experiences" and bullshit that makes things complicated.

I wouldn't have been able to leave my DS at that age (four/five months) for more than a couple of hours at a push (huge anxiety issues, but also feeding issues and he didn't sleep at all, ever after about seven weeks so I still felt like I'd been hit by a bus, couldn't concentrate and wouldn't have had the brain power to organise driving my finger up my arse at that point.)