To not want to have to organise a friend’s hen party with a newborn

[Toastytoes1]

My friend and I are both pregnant and due the same time in the next few months. She’s been engaged over a year but has now decided quite suddenly to book her wedding for September when previously she’d been talking about the end of next year. So all being well both our babies will be 6 months old at the time of the wedding.
I’m her only bridesmaid and its always been the plan that I would organise her hen party but I’m now thinking how on Earth is that going to work with such a young baby? I’ve just organised my sister’s which has been stressful enough trying to manage it whilst pregnant with the support of the other bridesmaid but to have to organise this one on my own with a newborn. Also, I recently turned down a September invite for a hen party because I just couldn’t commit to it financially and whether emotionally I’d be ready to be away from the baby by then but this hen of course would end up being even earlier than September so likely with a 4/5 month old at most. I’m hoping to exclusively breast feed but can’t exactly take a baby on the hen party but I don’t feel its fair on my friend to not organise her a good hen because she did such a good job planning mine and I’ve been really looking forward to planning hers but suddenly with the wedding now just around the corner, I’m finding I can’t be excited for her because I’m just stressed about how on Earth I can manage to plan it. Its not even as though I can realistically say to her that I can’t manage that because she has the entire wedding to plan with a young baby as well so don’t want to give her the stress of having to plan her own hen as well. I have suggested she reconsider the date; not for my benefit of course but I genuinely think she’s underestimating the amount of pressure she’s putting on herself to plan a wedding in such a short space of time whilst having a newborn as well but she’s quite adamant she wants to do that so I can only try and support her from here but I am feeling annoyed that this also places pressure on me to try and arrange her hen when I should be just focusing on my own baby. We’re both first time Mums so have no idea really what things will be like until after they’re here but I just don’t want to spend those precious first few months with my baby stressing over planning, managing and organising a hen do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The organising will be fine. I couldn’t have left my current baby who is 6 months for longer than an hour and only during the day as she is ebf from my boobs only. If your lo will take a bottle and you can express or they happy and able to take the occasional bottle of formula it would be fine to go out for a night if you wanted to.

What’s her idea of a ‘good hen’? Is she expecting a night/nights away or will she be happy with a spa day and afternoon tea or something low key?

Whether it will be doable for you or not depends on her expectations.

Agree with others, have a chat, find out what she wants.

Remember people look after babies with (multiple) older kids & mums in the US tend to be back working FT long before then so it really is perfectly doable. Your baby will sleep sometimes, maybe not when you want but they do sleep many hours a day giving you ample time.

What sort of party did she throw you?

I spent hours staring at my phone anyway with DS because he liked to snooze on me and didn't like the TV being on. Newborns are quite dull company ime. You could do research/book things then - what does she want? If it's a 4 dayer in Magaluf, then maybe you might want to see if she can ask someone else. 1 night stay in a UK city with dinner, cocktails etc is probably easy to sort.

Obviously if you've got a colicky baby or other problems it'll be more difficult to sort and you need to focus on baby rather than afternoon tea menus.

A 5 month old will probably be going to bed by 7 pm ish so you can't really take them out in the evening (and whoever suggested pumping whilst on a night out?!)
If you do a daytime activity you will probably be limited to a short time (unless baby takes a bottle and dad is available). Realistically, although it's possible to leave them at this age, it will be stressful and difficult for you and the baby so I wouldn't even consider an overnight event.
So I would suggest a local daytime activity of about 2 hours, followed by a gap to feed babies/get them to bed / followed by evening meal plus a few drinks, home by midnight. If some are travelling they could stay over and all go for a walk the next morning.
You will definitely have time to arrange that whilst on mat leave. Everyone will probably be hugely relieved not to have some ridiculous and expensive do to attend.

Go through a company like gohen. I used them for my friends hen party a few years back and although it works out a little more expensive you don't have to do any of the money chasing so it's a lot less stressful

Keep it simple! Dinner and home. Easy. Those who want to can go clubbing after.

What kind of hen do will take that much time and effort to plan?

She will also have a new baby, have you asked what she wants to do?

If she wants more than a local dinner and home, what about hiring a cottage so the babies can come too?

You'll both be on mat pay too so def talk about what's viable

Fgs, another one who thinks they lose the use of all their faculties on having a baby.
The time and effort you spent doing this thread could've been spent on sending out initial texts to the friends attending about dates /ideas. Then pick the most popular and the most favoured date and book it.

I think the question here is what is the definition of a 'good' hen party for your friend: weekend in Ibiza, not so viable.

Nice local meal with lots of low-cost, personalised elements that are unique to her: easy, and totally doable (e.g. all attendees bring 3 photos of the hen to add to an album; everyone brings a secret Santa gift of £5 or less that makes them think of the bride: bride has to guess who's given who; cupcakes in her fav flavours/colours of her football team etc)

Have a chat to your friend - what was great pre-kids won't be so sensible with 6 month old babies, so there's no reason you can't get something that will work for both of you: surely she's not going to want to be clubbing either?!? She's obviously a good friend, and put a lot of effort into your hen, so I think you just need to frame this positively (something exciting to focus on rather than just becoming baby-obsessed); recognise the work isn't exactly overwhelming, be organised and crack on!

(That's not to say you won't become baby-obsessed, but actually it's important to have some other focus's in your life: you don't have to stop EVERYTHING. Although personally, I wouldn't have wanted to organise a wedding with a newborn, actually I had MUCH more free time/energy with a newborn that I did being pregnant and in FT work. And I had one that didn't sleep ;-) )

focuses not focus's FFS.

An hen do is surely just a glorified night out? Ask her what she fancies doing, which dates, who her guest list is, then go from there. It doesn't have to be bells and whistles.

Why can't you just go for dinner somewhere local? Maybe do something before if you think that's not enough.

Just get deposits off people before you book their places.

Talk to her. Perhaps she doesn't want a hideous stereotypical hen do.

Dinner and cocktails would be what I would have been happy with when my DC were 5 months old. Absolutely and unequivocally no overnight stay away from the baby. At 5 months old meeting locally at say 8pm and planning to be out til around 11:30 or midnight to be home by 1am, leaving the babies at home with their fathers (they can go that long between feeds comfortably at that age and may well be sleeping for longer - the first night sleep is often the longest stretch - at 5 months even if they don't take bottles) would be the right balance for many breastfeeding mothers.

Talk to her - if she's planning to breastfeed too she can't be hoping for a weekend in benadorm or a spa weekend or anything too drawn out.

I think it all depends on what you're doing. If she's going to have a very young baby then I doubt she wants to go on holiday or do anything too crazy/complicated (I'm guessing here?).

Is it really such a big deal to organise something small? It could be afternoon tea followed by a booth in a night club, or maybe a meal in a nice restaurant or if something more grand is required perhaps you could book a cottage in the countryside for one night. Or maybe some sort of activity? If she's outdoorsy she might like paintballing or sailing.

All of these ideas only require a phonecall or even just booking stuff online.

Just do something chilled that you can take a baby to (or leave for a couple of hours). Afternoon tea and a massage, meal out. Doesn’t have to be a four dayer blowout in magaluf!

OP I’m 28 weeks pregnant and there is no way I would plan a hen party for when my baby is 4/5 months old. I think you need to be quite clear that unless she wants to do something low key, you cannot commit to arranging it. You’re sorry but the circumstances are different from when she organised hers.

I had a situation with my best friend helping to organise mine. I got married only 3 months after we got engaged so we didn’t have the luxury of time. She agreed to be my maid of honour and organise some of the hen do. I booked the accommodation and organised activities, she said she’d organise a food shop and games. Anyway what I didn’t know was that she was struggling with her uni work and didn’t have the time. She should never have agreed to do it. In the end she went overboard, spent way too much money and ended up sitting there sobbing all day because she’d not got her work done. There was then an atmosphere at the Hen and then again at the wedding because she resented the fact she was out of pocket and behind on work because of my hen and wedding. It wasn’t my fault, she should never have agreed to help it she didn’t have the time, certainly shouldn’t have spent way over budget.

Anyway my point is if you agree to do this, it could build up some resentment on your part. You clearly think it’s a bit soon for her to be getting married after having a baby (it is). Also the planning and attending will take you away from your baby. So taking a back seat and letting someone else plan it might be a good idea.

The lady I told you about and I are no longer friends. It’s so sad and all because she took on something she didn’t have the time for. She behaved awfully at my hen and wedding because she didn’t really want to be there due to her exams. It broke my heart. I wish she hadn’t come or had played a smaller role and maybe now we’d still been friends. It really wasn’t worth losing 15 years of friendship over! Not saying you’d behave like that but these things can really put a strain on friendships! Xx

Think you’re kind of over-egging it a bit, OP. It’s not that hard to organise, if you’re breastfeeding you’ll likely be spending long periods stuck to the sofa so you can do research/admin from your phone or iPad. Presumably you’ll be on mat leave as well, I’d be happy with a little project. Plus organising it yourself gives you the advantage or tailoring it to suit you and the Bride with regards to making it fit around a young baby, like PP said - you can keep it local with a bottomless brunch, restaurant + comedy night/cocktail making, or a party at someone’s house/local venue you can decorate etc etc.

Think this is one of those cases where the anticipation of something is much worse than just getting on with it.

A local hen party, such as a meal and a show or an afternoon at a spa with afternoon tea, don’t be booking weekends away or late night clubs, you don’t know how you are going to be feeling, at six months I couldn’t have been parted from my first born as he was so clingy and hated anybody that wasn’t me, I could of only left him for an afternoon as he would be to upset at anything longer.

I would suggest to your friend that she have two bridesmaids, not one. That way you will under less pressure if you find you have to dip in and out.

Have the hen party locally. No need to organise accommodation. Book a decent restaurant. If there's a nightclub nearby, reserve an area for the party and then go home. Very simple. If she wants an extravagant weekend away let her organise it herself. The hassle of collecting money from people for hotel deposits etc would be enough to put me off.

You're overthinking it. Life doesn't stop when you have a baby. Why would you not be able to organise a hen party because you have a baby?

It doesn't have to be a week in Ibiza though does it

Local spa afternoon and dinner at a lovely place

I'm sure you can manage that tbh