Mum Admin and OH feeling left out

[Flimflamfloogety]

So Ives always done the majority of household admin. DH has been happy to let me do so as he loathes filling out forms and booking/buying stuff online. Assuming I have the time I've always been happy to do us. This extends to completing passport and visa applications for DS. I always have to arrange appointments for doctors etc.

When DS started school in sept, I was the one that organised all the applications, did the research to make sure we met all the deadlines. DH was clueless about what needed to be done. Once he was accepted there were a few induction days DS needed to attend, I took the time off to attend these and DH wasn't fussed about seeing the new school at this point. At this time I was given a mountain of paperwork to complete which I did, and now all school communications come through me (I filled everything out so naturally put myself as first contact)

I regularly get emails and texts from the school about upcoming events. Now DH is kicking off because he's out of the loop. I always tell him what's coming up but he never seems interested. For example there was recently a parent workshop about early stages of reading and what to expect. I told him the date but he didn't want to go. Turns out on the day we were allowed to see our kids in their classroom (this wasn't advertised beforehand). Now he's saying I'm being a control freak and don't give him the opportunity to be involved.

I guess this is less of an AIBU and more of a rant. If anything my question is AIBU to assume if I fill out all the sodding forms then I'm entitled to put myself as the first point of contact?

To avoid drip feeding, we both work full time. I have recently been given a flexible work arrangement that means I can do a few school pickups a week and I'm able to attend meetings at school during the day

Tell him to:
(1) email the school office to be added as a contact (they’ll have had a gazillions divorced families with this over the years)
(2) piss off and stop having a go at you

That or a simple "Grow up. All you had to do was say you were interested!"

I used to get this with exh when we were together and still get it with him as an ex. I asked the school to add him but they won’t - apparently the system only allows one per child. If I made it him I’d known nothing and nothing would be acted on.

I was forwarding him every message from the school but he’s now asked me not to, so he’s going to know nothing.

he cant cherry pick and want the good bits!

Of course, you don’t have to be divorced to ask school to put two regular communication contacts in the group list - most of my married parent friends are both on.

Tbh, I’d probably not let this one go. I would point out your most recent example of his zero interest followed by having a go, and ask him exactly what he thinks he’s playing at.

he loathes filling out forms and booking/buying stuff online

Whereas it is your life's one true passion is it? You have nothing else you'd rather do with your equally limited free time than fill out "sodding forms"?

He needs to remember he's a parent too, not a spoilt brat.

@Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze that’s awful! I could not rely on my XH to inform me, and I have interest in acting like his PA informing him. I’d challenge your school to reconsider the system they use.

Either get the school to add him, or forward every email.
Do you have a shared diary? Put everything in there and tell him to fill in and commit to some dates/activities.
Tell him you're pleased he's now sharing the mental load

Can't he just he added to the school email system?

If they only allow one, and everything goes via email as well as text, just set up a shared “[email protected]” address.

To add, both myself and my husband receive emails from school so it's very much possible on some systems.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

It must truly be my passion because my hand writing is much nicer and I'm so much better at it 🤦🏼‍♀️😬

Just to be clear he's a very hands on parent, does more than his fair share with the parenting. Lets me lie in most weekends! It's just the admin bit he dodges

I've asked the school to add him, and if not I'll just start forwarding everything (including the begging bowl emails!!). It's the typical "I told you this last week" scenario and it's clearly fallen on deaf ears.

We have a more equal division of labour in our house but no matter who is form filling we always put down both parents’ contact details. I’d be pretty peeved if I was missing updates because DH had filled out a form and only put his details on it. That said, it sounds like your DH isn’t interested in doing what should be his share of life admin since you both work full time and you’re informing him of everything going on but he simply isn’t interested. He’s being very unfair to you. Tell him to email the school and add his contact details if he wants to stay informed.

Is he generally a bit of a loser/man child OP?

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he is to pull his weight and you're not his secretary.

How fucking dare he?

If it wasn’t for you, your child wouldn’t even have a school up go up.

I don’t understand how you can be happy living with someone so hands off and irresponsible, even if he wasn’t rude, critical and a total cheeky fucker. But if you’re going to continue doing everything, please at least tell him he doesn’t get to now expect to be included in the fun bits.

If you got ill, died or got sick of his laziness how would he cope? Isn’t he worried about that?

Why don’t you just have a family calendar in the kitchen
Get everyone used to filling it in and taking on some responsibility

And already you’ve wiped his arse for him again, asking the school to add him! Stop enabling his shit. It’s one thing for one parent to do the admin but when the other starts criticising it is not on.

My XH texted me that he was going to get his girlfriend to go into the school office to add him. He could have emailed or called them himself in the time it took him to text that - and he certainly didn’t have to text me anyway!

I created an immutable god..."the wall".

A wall calendar that has every event, occasion, work trip and holiday. If it ain't on the wall, it ain't happening. Nobody can blame me for failing to inform them about something and if DH tells me about a work trip, my first question is "is it on the wall?". Sure, it's old fashioned, but it works.

He's really out of line
You do everything and he wonders why he doesn't get the emails. Tell the school to contact him as primary contact from now on and see how much he really wants to be involved. Sounds like a knob

@Pumpkinpie1 Not everyone prefers a tatty calendar that they can only see at home, compared to a shared on line diary! I’d hate a family calendar. It wouldn’t solve the problem anyway - guarantee it’s would be her job to write it on AND tell him what was on there
It’s a personality type (I.e. lazy anc entitled) so the solution is not to change the method, but change the person. (Is literally change the person if he was getting shitty over it with me )

If you got ill, died or got sick of his laziness how would he cope? Isn’t he worried about that? Men like this usually get another woman pretty quickly to have this taken care of. He also presumably knows it isn't difficult and since he holds down a job I'm sure he can manage. It's just currently he views his time as more valuable than his wifes. His wife reinforces that by doing it all.

Am I right in saying that you did put both contact details down but obviously yours as first? This is what I do as well. Then I just forward all school emails to him as well.
My oh usually forgets, or as he works full time leaves it to me as I work part time only.
Next time there's any form filling to do just drop the pile in his lap and leave him to it

"Grow up. All you had to do was say you were interested!"
I'd have said this. What a tit.

If he wants to be added to the school contact list, he should ask the school, not you!

Thanks for all the replies.

I only recall being given the option to supply one email address so naturally put my own.

I'm reluctant to start a calendar, as it will just be more admin for me. I have directed him to the school website which lists all the meetings, activities etc and you can just click a link to add them to your Gmail/apple calendar.

School have confirmed they can only have one contact so I will just have to forward everything