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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum Admin and OH feeling left out

52 replies

Flimflamfloogety · 23/01/2020 13:57

So Ives always done the majority of household admin. DH has been happy to let me do so as he loathes filling out forms and booking/buying stuff online. Assuming I have the time I've always been happy to do us. This extends to completing passport and visa applications for DS. I always have to arrange appointments for doctors etc.

When DS started school in sept, I was the one that organised all the applications, did the research to make sure we met all the deadlines. DH was clueless about what needed to be done. Once he was accepted there were a few induction days DS needed to attend, I took the time off to attend these and DH wasn't fussed about seeing the new school at this point. At this time I was given a mountain of paperwork to complete which I did, and now all school communications come through me (I filled everything out so naturally put myself as first contact)

I regularly get emails and texts from the school about upcoming events. Now DH is kicking off because he's out of the loop. I always tell him what's coming up but he never seems interested. For example there was recently a parent workshop about early stages of reading and what to expect. I told him the date but he didn't want to go. Turns out on the day we were allowed to see our kids in their classroom (this wasn't advertised beforehand). Now he's saying I'm being a control freak and don't give him the opportunity to be involved.

I guess this is less of an AIBU and more of a rant. If anything my question is AIBU to assume if I fill out all the sodding forms then I'm entitled to put myself as the first point of contact?

To avoid drip feeding, we both work full time. I have recently been given a flexible work arrangement that means I can do a few school pickups a week and I'm able to attend meetings at school during the day

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/01/2020 17:01

No! Do not forward everything. See my post about a “[email protected]” shared email address. You don’t even have to check two - just set a forwarding rule to both your personal email addresses. You are not his bloody secretary!

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2020 17:07

School have confirmed they can only have one contact so I will just have to forward everything

Our school is like this. Drives me fucking BONKERS. I asked them what divorced parents do, and pointed out it is poor for getting FULL parental involvement, but they just sort of shrugged...

Yes, forward everything or get DH to set up a new address for you both and direct it all there, and add it to your current email account so you both see it all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/01/2020 17:11

School have confirmed they can only have one contact so I will just have to forward everything

Have they said why? In divorce situations of course they have two per child. DH gets everything his ex gets about their DC, they’ve both got parental responsibility and are equally involved in their children’s education.

kateybeth79 · 23/01/2020 17:30

I get all the emails, but I've added a rule to all emails that come from school to be automatically forwarded to OH - not that he ever reads them lol

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 23/01/2020 17:32

Honestly? I'd be tempted to take him at his word. Change the details to be his contact and then sit back and wait for him to grumble that the school always contact him and he hasn't time to deal with them, collect a sick child etc.

He's being a dick. But no matter what you say he'll have an answer. Give him what he wants asks for, and he'll soon be handing the job back to you.

CallmeAngelina · 23/01/2020 18:26

Sorry to be sexist here, but is there a man on the planet who has ever read a school newsletter?

Camomila · 23/01/2020 18:32

CallmeAngelina DH is the one that reads the parish newsletter and the emails from nursery and applied for DSs primary place.
(I sort out jabs, doctors, and dentists.)

Ellisandra · 23/01/2020 18:43

@CallmeAngelina “apologising” for being sexist doesn’t mean it’s OK Hmm

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 23/01/2020 18:49

I may have succeeded in calling his bluff already. He was copied into the email to the school, then I told him I'd asked the admin of the class group chat to add him. I also sent him the link for the app to get the school messages... His tone is very reconciliatory now which I'm sure is pure coincidence!!

I'm not sure who suggested but I'm going to set up the automatic email forward so he gets a copy of everything from the school. He can have fun sifting through the 30 odd emails a week asking for donations of money, paper, glue sticks, spleen, first borns eternal soul etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 23/01/2020 18:51

@AnneLovesGilbert

They haven't said why but I haven't asked either

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 19:19

CallmeAngelina my partner is the main contact for his son so deals with all nursery paperwork etc. Even my son's dad who only sees him a couple of days a month reads all newsletters/correspondence etc. It helps him reflect the image of being an "involved" father.

HappyAsASandboy · 23/01/2020 19:34

We have a family email address to avoid this. So DH can see all email comms from school/after school club/cubs etc and I have no responsibility to tell him. Occasionally he turns up to things and it's great he's there. But I'm not chasing him to come/remember/reply etc etc.

I realise we sound like a divorced couple. We're not, and have a far healthier relationship because we both have the info to behave like grown ups and nobody feels they're responsible for chasing the other ...

shinysprinkles · 23/01/2020 22:47

Ask him to phone school and put him on the contacts list.
Your dh sounds like mine. All talking no walking. If I were to leave my dh to sort school stuff out my dc would end up paying the price so I just do it.
So I wouldn't go as far as to say add yourself to contacts and you sort school stuff then but definitely tell him to sort out how he intends not to be left out in future

NoSquirrels · 24/01/2020 07:46

Have they said why? In divorce situations of course they have two per child.

Not our school - I asked. They basically said that’s for the parents to sort out between them, which I thought was rather shortsighted.

As to reason, as with most things, it’s cost. Costs a lot more, apparently.

slipperywhensparticus · 24/01/2020 07:55

My ex decided in november last year he now wants to attend parents evening and be copied in on all school comms dentist and dr appointments etc our son is 11 we split when he was five he hasnt even had any input in his secondary school choices he just let me deal with everything

I told him he missed parents evening it was in October like it had been the last five years he missed and that his son prefers he not attend appointments (because he has once and ds found it mortifying that he was the only one who needed two parents)

GabriellaMontez · 24/01/2020 07:59

You "asked the school to add him"

That says it all. This was his problem, the very nature of it being communications and it fell to you to fix it for him. Next time he can start by ringing the school and sorting things to his liking.

You're not his fucking admin.

Newmetoday · 24/01/2020 08:01

Our son’s school always phones me even though DH’s number is first on the list. I’m working full time, DH is retired so he does everything. We’ve told them Numerous times but I still keep getting the calls

Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2020 08:28

The schools saying no to emailing 2 parents with parental responsibility when requested should be challenged. Someone I know was a local authority appointed governor and there was a complaint to governors from a dad with parental responsibility about failure to communicate which was fully upheld. School obviously had no defence and altered procedures after.

Elbeagle · 24/01/2020 08:36

Sorry to be sexist here, but is there a man on the planet who has ever read a school newsletter?

Yes. DH is a governor at DD’s school so reads all communications. Even before he was a governor he read them as he is interested in his own children’s school lives. Why would he not be?

Frenchw1fe · 24/01/2020 08:36

@Newmetoday that's just sexist surely.

FizzyIce · 24/01/2020 08:56

He sounds like a plank.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t .
I’m first contact and then dh second and always have been .
I can get to the school quicker than he can in an emergency due to where we both work .
All you can do is keep him filled in and if he takes notice or not then that’s down to him

dottiedodah · 24/01/2020 09:25

Many men seem to be like this ,only wanting the "good" bits and offloading Form Filling to you (like everyone except him loves it!).Tell him straight what you have said here, and explain that a passive interest and choosing the best bits is not on.My own DH who was very hands on with our two ,and loved them hugely .Took my breath away when I asked him to leave early and collect DS only for him to reply that he would have to set alarm on his phone or he may forget!

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/01/2020 09:30

We have set up a family email address too and are slowly adding things to it. We also use the Timetree app, it's made life much easier. It's a pretty poor system that only accepts one contact though.

Keepmewarm · 24/01/2020 11:07

If you don’t want to start a family calendar can you not just forward emails to him?

Mum admin is such a shit term.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 24/01/2020 13:12

Thank you all again for the suggestions - I've set up an auto forward on my emails now so I don't have to physically do anything (ie more admin!). I'm actually a bit embarrassed this didn't occur to me earlier Blush

@keepmewarm As others have pointed out sitting there forwarding emails is just part of the problem, it's more admin for me! 'Mum admin' is most definitely a shit term. I don't endorse it by any means, purely used it to demonstrate the attitude DH has. Whether consciously or subconsciously he views any form filling and organising for DS to be a 'mum job'

Anyway we had a very civilised chat about it, and he gets where i'm coming from. If I've filled out the form then naturally i'll put my details first (and if there's only one space then he doesn't get added). He's more than welcome to start filling out the forms himself if he has an issue with this - oddly enough he declined the offer to take over as the family administrator Grin and by auto forwarding the emails I now have a record of having informed him so he can't play the 'you never told me that' card when he's failed to listen!

OP posts: