Accept Gift or Not

[Thatched]

DH and I are buying our first property. A relative keeps telling us she is going to gift us a thousand pounds as a moving in present.

I emphasise, she keeps TELLING us.

This relative is pretty well off. She has also gifted money to other relatives at important times of their lives. I know this because she tells us, constantly. If that person gets mentioned, then so does her gift. No matter how long ago it was.

I don't want her money. Neither does DH. We have told her this, several times. She tells us we are mad, it is a thousand pounds after all. She insists, when the time comes, she WILL give it to us.

It would be very useful either spent on the new house or in the bank in case of an emergency, don't get me wrong. BUT it drives me mad that I know she will be telling everyone about it for years to come, just like she does to the others.

My friend says we should take it, and just ignore the fact that she will mention it constantly. But it grates so much!

I want to say to her thanks but no thanks - you will talk about it to anyone we know for years to come and that is reason enough to refuse. I won't though. I am a coward. It would cause a massive fall out, with ripple effects into other family members.

My friend thinks I would be unreasonable though to refuse it. Who refuses a grand?

AIBU?

If you really don't need it give it to charity

It isn't about needing it. I would feel the same about this, if I 'needed' it in the truest sense of the word. It is about her gifting it then telling everyone that she did that, constantly, at every opportunity, for years to come.

She'll talk about you anyway, even if it's to say how generous she was and how foolish you were to refuse it.

If you accept then at least you'll have a grand.

If you refuse then you'll have your pride but still be gnashing your teeth about how annoying she is and probably have to resist continually correcting people when she spins a false narrative.

Don't accept

I’d just take it.

You will never hear the end of it. You know that already. So for me it would be a no.

There's a similar situation in DH's family. MIL helped SIL & BIL about 10 years ago. She still goes on about it, and acts like she owns them when it's mentioned.
DH and I probably would have been 'helped' out in a similar way, but no thanks.

Accept it gratefully! Keep on telling her how grateful you are. For "years to come". Giving and telling everyone obviously gives her enormous pleasure. Everybody wins! Be gracious and grateful.

I would take it and be grateful but we 'need' the money, my DGM loves telling people she helped us buy our carpets and we love that she did as well. I guess it depends how much you like them.

Accept it and let her virtue signal if she likes. Put it towards something special like a beautiful piece of art or dinner service and let that be your add on to her story.

Take it.
Yeah, she’ll go on about it forever.
And all those people hearing it will not thinking about you we all, but be rolling their eyes about her.

If it would be handy but you can cope without it without a struggle then don't accept it. It's not worth having her banging on about it for years.

If somehow she makes you take it, then I'd donate it to charity straight away. Every time she tells somebody that she gave you the money, you can quickly follow up with " It was very kind. I donated that money to...."

She sounds like she's somebody who gives for the glory and to be told how generous she is rather than giving money out of a genuine desire to be kind or helpful. If every attempt to gain credit for herself leads to people hearing what you did with the money it undermines the image that she's trying to project and she'd get bored.

no thanks - you will talk about it to anyone we know for years to come

You know the terms of this gift. You get a grand, she gets another story about her generosity to tell anyone who'll listen.

Nod and smile when she mentions it; it the day ever comes when she wants to transfer it, politely decline. Stop making it such a big feature in conversation. If your whole family did the same; she'd probably stop gifting people because she'd get no attention for it... but presumably the other people who have accepted gifts were happy with the trade off.

This isn't some major "everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable" drama; really. Make your call, if you're happy with it, stop talking about it. You're fuelling her behaviour tooZ

I might be unkind here but £1k would never be worth the endless reminders of her gift to you ,
I would not want it under any circumstances as it would take away the delight I had in my first home

Maybe a pleasant

"thanks but no thanks, we are very proud of achieving this on our own as we like to make our own way and a financial gift would spoil that for us "
might be the answer

But surely everyone else knows what she's like about forcing the issue and talking about it? Either they had it themselves or they've heard her 'I'm so generous' speech before, so they know it's not that you asked?

I'd take it. She sounds like the type of person that will tell everyone if you refuse too so either way she'll be talking about you, you may as well have a grand in the bank if she's running her mouth either way

"That's sweet of you, thank you, but we prefer to keep our finances just between us."

What Sleepyhead said:
She'll talk about you anyway, even if it's to say how generous she was and how foolish you were to refuse it.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Take the money.

As long as she doesn't tell you how to spend it, take it.

It doesn't sound like she is likely to stop talking about it even if you refuse anyway. Why would it be better that she keeps telling everyone that you refuse a £1k?

Buy something nice - curtains or something - and thank her for them.

Your relative has obviously never heard of not letting your right hand know what your left is doing. If you give something you NEVER tell anyone else about it. Why not say that to her? Nobody is ever too old to learn.

I completely get this!! But as a PP said, she is going to talk about you now regardless. If you take it she will be the generous relative. If you refuse it you will be the ungrateful wench who though they were too good for the money. So you might as well take it as not!

Accept the money graciously. In todays money 1K does not go far when you are starting out furnishing a house.
Buy yourselves a housewarming gift of something you may not have without it, artwork, chandelier, lamps, vase, Smeg fridge (not recommended).
Thank her with a photo of said item in situ and post on FB/Insta "Thanks Thatched family member for our generous gift of X". That way anyone relevant will know that you were gifted 'X' item and any further chat from family member will be ignored as others can see its only a 'X' and that you don't need to feel for ever endebted to them for a gift rather than letting them chat away giving the impression of having given you massive hand out.

It’s free money! Take it. You might as well if it’ll cause issues if you don’t.

Don’t be ridiculous, whether or not you accept it she’ll still talk about it to others, so at least if you accept it, you’ll have £1000!

I would gratefully accept the £1000 if you could do with it. Allow them to indulge themselves by showing off their generosity, it will do you no harm.

I would not accept any implied T&Cs attached to it. Too bad if they thought it meant you would go and visit them every weekend/have them to stay/give them lifts on demand.

Take it if it's a no strings gift.

Take it if it's a loan with defined terms that you can live with.

Don't take it on any other basis.

Ahhh, mixed response but mostly on the side of accepting it. So IABU... But it grates! Really, really grates.

She was talking about a gift she had given in the year 2000 last night. I was sitting there thinking that was 20 years ago. 20! It really rankles.