To say I was married?

[itchytits123]

I've never been into lying, I lack the imagination and CBA. However I split from an eighteen year relationship nearly two years ago and I've been pretty much single since.

I think it would be much easier to describe myself as divorced, even though it isn't strictly true. We have children and we shared property. It makes me feel less silly for being with someone all those years without ever being married to them.

AIBU to refer to myself (informally and casually) as a divorcee? Explaining feels too exposing at the moment.

I’ve never described myself as divorced. Fuck that - defining myself by marital status? Nah. I understand why you’re sensitive about it -but really no need to be!

I never know why official forms ask if you are married/single/divorced , surely you'd just say you are single ?

No need to write anymore than single. People don’t need to know your dating history unless they ask you and you feel comfortable sharing it.
Would it not be odd to put divorced and then have to explain to anyone you got into a relationship with that you weren’t married?

There is no shame in having kids and being unmarried. The same way there is no shame is marrying, having kids and then divorcing. I think you are looking into it too much.
I have been with DP over 10 years, we have a child, a house and aren’t married (for a variety of reasons). It’s on the cards so to speak but I’m not embarrassed by my martial status what so ever!

Ok I'm now officially just Single!

I just worry about being a 'single mum' at 43, I feel like I need to qualify it with evidence of my former respectable relationship status (that never was!)

Not to sound judgemental about single mums. My mum and dad definitely divorced when I was 11. And I actually coparent with XP 60/40.

Yeah definitely overthinking...🤯

Silly typos! When will Mumsnet let us edit our posts??

I'd just say I was married, op

Stop splitting feathers

You were not married so don't say you are divorced. You are "single" and that is what you should be saying. There is nothing silly about being in a long term relationship and having kids and not being married. Happens all the time. You are overthinking this a bit too much. Also, there are plenty people with and without children who find love and happiness in their 40's and older, so never say never OP.

I think it's a bit odd to want to lie and pretend you were married.

Simply say now single, or something like that if you really do have a sensitivity to this.

Stop splitting feathers

I’d love to know what this means?

I've been married (and divorced) three times. I just say I'm single, because if people ask about my 'previous marriage' I have to fight the urge to say 'which one?'

Nobody has ever questioned me about how I am single and have five children. Not one.

I’d love to know what this means

Yes I'm unsure about this. I've heard "spitting feathers" or "splitting hairs" but never "splitting feathers" 🤷‍♀️

I would obviously elaborate if I became a bit closer to somebody, I wouldn't carry a lie on.

Maybe just after putting eighteen years into something i want to be able to have some reference to it. I want my children to have that too.

It's a total unnecessary lie. Really never heard of someone saying they were divorced if they had never been married.

Single
Separated
Recently left a long term relationship

All acceptable

Divorced or divorcee when you were never married not acceptable

Divorcee in general just not common terminology any more

Yes I'm unsure about this. I've heard "spitting feathers" or "splitting hairs" but never "splitting feathers"

I remember a thread a while ago about what spitting feathers means. Round here it’s hopping mad but elsewhere I think it means thirsty.

It will be really awkward to have to explain to someone you lied about being married op. It's really much easier in this case to be honest from the start,

On a seperate note are you sure you're ready to start dating again? If admitting your single causes you this much angst and you need strangers to know you had a long term relationship then maybe you're not in that place yet.

I think it will be more awkward to explain to someone later "I wasnt married actually, I said I was married as I felt weird saying single because I had an 18 year relationship and have young children"
It might make potential partners worry you are not open and honest.

I would obviously elaborate if I became a bit closer to somebody, I wouldn't carry a lie on.

I'd be surprised if you got the chance with a lot of people. You'd already have lied to them. I'd expect most people would then distance themselves, as you'd have undermined anything else you've told them, and they'd be subliminally wondering what else wasn't quite true.

Maybe just after putting eighteen years into something i want to be able to have some reference to it. I want my children to have that too.

I suspect that is the crux and you need to do some mindset work about it. You do have something for it. You have 18 years of a relationship and children. You don't have a marriage, because there wasn't one. You can tell people you were engaged when you reach that point with them, if you want to, but it's not unusual for people not to marry these days - and if it was some kind of status being married, being divorced would surely lose it anyway?

Your children have two parents, they don't need them to have been married, and you weren't.

At any point that you refer to being divorced, you could instead just refer to your previous long-term relationship... but generally, whether it's on dating profiles or in social situations, you're better focusing on you and your current situation and not your marital status.

You're just fine as you are. Your children are fine. Your long-term relationship is fine. It's not unusual to have been in a long relationship and not married... but it would be unusual to lie about it.

Maybe just after putting eighteen years into something i want to be able to have some reference to it. I want my children to have that too

On dating apps though? They don't need that there, nor do you.

@Bluntness100 no I guess not.

In my defence I'm not dating and I haven't for a while. I wasn't ready and I guess I'm still not now, as another poster down thread has perceived.

I guess getting over eighteen years and adjusting to bringing up kids in separate households is a confusing process.

Like a say, I'm not into lying, I just wondered if it was socially acceptable about something like this, when talking to strangers.

You can't fault Mumsnet for being a social acceptability barometer!

I do feel a bit better about it all now though, in a fun kind of way!

*funny kind of way!!

😤

I give up 🤪

If you say you are separated, rather than single , it would imply that you haven’t gone through the legal step of ending a marriage whereas you have actually had a final ending to a LTR and worked things out properly with your ex DP. It could suggest to a potential date that you have more baggage than you do have, iyswim

P.s. thank you for all the lovely ones who said I shouldn't the embarrassed.

Yes that would be very weird. Surely "I'm single" is the straightforward solution. Why would you want to tie yourself to your ex any more by pretending he was your ex husband? Not to mention how weird it would be if he found out!

I'd definitely just stick with "single". There's no shame in not being married.

I was never married and don't ever want to be, but me and stbx separated after 10 years. I wouldn't call myself separated, or divorced or ANYTHING that linked me to that man and that part of my life. It's over.