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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I am not horrible?

68 replies

LittleBusLotto · 22/01/2020 23:48

I don't think my husband is a manipulative person, but he told me that I am a horrible person. He said that his family have thought that for a long time and were only pretending to like me for his sake and our DC. It is not the first time he told me he thinks I am horrible. My head is spinning as I thought that his family like me. I try not to be horrible but can feel insecure sometimes and can be sensitive and they are also from another culture so I feel a little alien. He says that because of this I always cause problems and this is why they do not like me. He is so angry and thinks so little of me. It is like I am a terrible person. He slept with me twice at the weekend (which is unusual). Why would he do that if he thinks that I am horrible? I don't think I am horrible, I genuinely try to be kind, sometimes I lose my temper if I think something is unfair or panic if I feel insecure and I always try to stick up for myself, but could I be terribly wrong about myself? Do you think that horrible people are just not aware of how bad they are? I feel that if I were to accept this fully I would put myself at the level of a doormat and need to subjugate myself entirely and never put my feelings first, I just don't feel I can do that, but might I be wrong about myself?

OP posts:
LittleBusLotto · 23/01/2020 09:57

Thank you everyone, your comments have been so helpful and it is good to read a range of opinions. I am not sure about examples due to the potential for being "outing" but realise that this makes it hard to judge. At the same time I am also aware that it is so hard not to paint things from one's own point of view. The reasons he gave were basically me being upset/needing time out/not appearing for family events and always causing problems when we visit. From my point of view I find it all overwhelming especially in a different language and so need some space, also for DC, and the crying was me being sensitive from arguing with him. At the same time I feel that I have done some horrible things in the past like shouting at him and calling names when I have been frustrated with what I perceive as not pulling weight. KatherineJaneway you may be right, he has admitted to doing that in the past. But I think he truly believes I am terrible, and I am so worried now that his family think it too, and what that means for my DC's relationship with them. He told his sibling to block me on Facebook after I tried to reach out to them (the sibling had encouraged me to do this in the past in the case of difficulties in marriage) and they have blocked me with no explanation and I have no other way of contacting them even to say sorry.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 09:59

@LittleBusLotto how often are the family events and how often do you fail to attend? Do you make your apologies when you're not attending?

Do you mean you don't allow your children to attend the family events either, or that you need time out from your children?

ravenmum · 23/01/2020 10:05

You are living abroad, I take it? In my experience, the "local" partner (and others) can underestimate how hard their spouse might find it in the foreign language/culture, on top of the stress of being in someone else's family. You might find it helps to speak to other no-locals?

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2020 10:10

So. He thinks your "horrible' but you're good enough for sex?

I know who the horrible one is in this scenario and it's not you.

LittleBusLotto · 23/01/2020 10:15

I didn't attend once, 9 years go. I basically chickened out and went awol for a few hours as I was upset from an argument and had not prepared food and felt embarrassed in front of his family. I have apologised many times but he is still so angry about it. It was an important event for him. I definitely want my DC to attend and build relationships, but after long hours of not being able to converse easily or properly take part I would like to be able to leave early, for example, but when I request this or if we do leave early, or because I want to stay in separate accommodation, this is what he calls "making problems".

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 23/01/2020 10:27

He slept with me twice at the weekend

You slept together.

A horrible person wouldn't worry about if they were horrible or not.

He's abusing you and he's not respecting the fact that you need your own space. I'm like that, I'm an introvert and I can't "people" for too long otherwise I get overwhelmed, suffocated and panicky.

If he can't love you for YOU then don't saddle yourself with a life trying to change for someone and being unhappy because of it. It's not worth it.

Sweetener12 · 23/01/2020 10:31

The only horrible person in this situation is your man.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/01/2020 11:21

He sounds vile!.
Poor you...

I'm also with someone with different culture /language.... I too find it overwhelming at family events that go on for days...lots of noises... And much chatting in a dialact I only understand about a third of....

So I'll excuse myself for a couple of hours here and there.... Everyone understands.... No one judges (I think).

I'd feel really down if my partner was ANGRY with me.... (I do my best... Often its not fun... Bit I'm still a person with my own wants /needs).

Which culture is he part of??

Millettmum · 23/01/2020 11:26

My ex used to say my own friends and family didn't like me, emotional abuse x

Troels · 23/01/2020 11:37

He told his sibling to block me on Facebook after I tried to reach out to them (the sibling had encouraged me to do this in the past in the case of difficulties in marriage) and they have blocked me with no explanation and I have no other way of contacting them even to say sorry.

So he is in essence trying to stop you from having contact seperate to him, that way they only get his opinion of you and you don't have a chance at your own relationship which would show that he's lying his arse off about you and what you do.
He sounds abusive to me too.

My Dh once told me (after about 20 years of marriage) his sister had had a hissy fit when he said he was getting married to me. She had said I was after his money. My reaction was "You've got money?" We laughed our arses off, he said he told her he hasn't got any, but up for donations. It wasn't said to hurt me, he knew I had my own polite but distant relationship with her over the years. I knew he wasn't trying to cause trouble or hard feelings.
Your Dh however is saying this stuff to isolate and hurt you.

ravenmum · 23/01/2020 13:05

So I'll excuse myself for a couple of hours here and there.... Everyone understands.... No one judges (I think).
You're lucky, I didn't get much understanding in this situation either, like OP.
Normally the person involved is quite isolated simpy through being in a foreign country, which can make it worse.
I don't think people can be expected to understand it fully, but it is very hard when they show a total failure to empathise.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2020 15:51

It is very tiring to be in a room full of people speaking a language you barely understand.

Please leave this man, OP. He is doing you no good at all. Everything you say indicates that he is chipping away at your self-esteem and isolating you.

TheYearOfTheDog · 23/01/2020 18:54

He is abusive.

I agree with the poster who said that the question you need to ask is not why did he sleep with you but why did you sleep with him?

I was with an abusive partner for 7 years. It does chip away at you. It erodes your sense of yourself as well as your self-esteem. It robs you of any feeling of self-efficacy which is probably why you feel powerless to end the relationship that you KNOW is abusive.

Neverender · 23/01/2020 18:56

My ex tried to make me believe that MY own family didn't like me. It's controlling and abusive and is meant to make you doubt yourself...

Neverender · 23/01/2020 19:02

And he called me a cunt right before his nephews birthday party so I didn't go. That was apparently my fault too...

FUCKiNG RUN!!!!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 19:03

I actually don't think either of you are being horrible. I think you have different expectations of each other and can't communicate them for whatever reason.

I think when you marry someone you learn about their culture and language out of respect for them and their family.
I think marriage is about compromise and neither of you seem to care about how the other feels and so you just can't/won't compromise.
You just don't sound compatible.

It's probably best that you do separate and find people who are on the same wavelength as you both.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 23/01/2020 19:20

Either way I think you are right to separate. This relationship has irrevocably broken down. No trust, no partnership, no respect. Nothing. Time to call it a day and move on.
Good luck for the future.

Nondescriptname · 23/01/2020 20:16

I find noisy gatherings of a lot of people overwhelming, in my native language.
Your DH is being very unreasonable and cruel.
He is claiming that you are "horrible" because you don't want to do things exactly as he wishes.

If you want to separate from him, go ahead and do it.
Don't ask him for permission.

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