Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I am not horrible?

68 replies

LittleBusLotto · 22/01/2020 23:48

I don't think my husband is a manipulative person, but he told me that I am a horrible person. He said that his family have thought that for a long time and were only pretending to like me for his sake and our DC. It is not the first time he told me he thinks I am horrible. My head is spinning as I thought that his family like me. I try not to be horrible but can feel insecure sometimes and can be sensitive and they are also from another culture so I feel a little alien. He says that because of this I always cause problems and this is why they do not like me. He is so angry and thinks so little of me. It is like I am a terrible person. He slept with me twice at the weekend (which is unusual). Why would he do that if he thinks that I am horrible? I don't think I am horrible, I genuinely try to be kind, sometimes I lose my temper if I think something is unfair or panic if I feel insecure and I always try to stick up for myself, but could I be terribly wrong about myself? Do you think that horrible people are just not aware of how bad they are? I feel that if I were to accept this fully I would put myself at the level of a doormat and need to subjugate myself entirely and never put my feelings first, I just don't feel I can do that, but might I be wrong about myself?

OP posts:
Ishotmrburns · 23/01/2020 03:50

Sorry to drip feed: I have asked to separate, but now wondering if that was a mistake and I should work on myself.

I don't think this was a mistake. I have a suspicious that you are not horrible, and he is the horrible one, but even if I am wrong about that the relationship is over anyway. You can't stay with someone after all of those things have been said.

I'd kick him out right now and go and speak to a lawyer. I'm sure he won't mind - you're horrible so you're doing him a favour, right? 😁

virginpinkmartini · 23/01/2020 04:55

Okay why is everyone jumping to 'abuse' and 'women's aid' , based on the husband's use of the the word 'horrible?' We know nothing of the context (very vague post), maybe the OP displays abusive behaviour herself and he is reacting to it. I mean, what does 'Sometimes I lose my temper if something is unfair and I panic.' What does this mean? Do you get physical, do YOU get abusive OP?
f this was a man posting this you know things would be different.

OP only you know in your heart of hearts whether your hands are totally clean, and if he is in fact stating that you are 'horrible' completely unprovoked. You've not given a clear picture. However, what is clear is that this relationship cannot go on. Make steps to leave, whoever is in the right or wrong. It sounds horrendously unhealthy.

TheBewildernessisWeetabix · 23/01/2020 05:20

Because repeatedly telling someone they are horrible rather than discussing what ever it was they did that the partner did not like is abuse, plain and simple.

redcarbluecar · 23/01/2020 05:42

If he thinks you’re a horrible person, why is he with you? Why does he want to sleep with you? Sounds like separation might be the kindest thing you could do for him. Free him up to find someone warm and lovely, like himself.

MountainPeakGeek · 23/01/2020 05:57

If your husband was genuinely as vague as your post makes out, then he is an absolutely awful, abusive person. If, however, he explained why he feels that you are "horrible" and if, and only if, those reason are reasonable, then you could be the abusive one...or you could just be a bad fit for each other. It's impossible to tell from the one post, from just the one side. I know that my instinct is to feel that you're the victim here, but I'm not sure why?

thickwoollytights · 23/01/2020 06:00

My (now) ex told me many many times that I'm a horrible person and that no one likes me and that no one would ever want to be in a relationship with me

After we eventually split up he admitted he'd said those things to make sure that I stayed with him and didn't end the relationship

Trouble is , there is still a tiny part of me which thinks he might be right

Please don't believe your partner, OP. I wish I'd ended my toxic and abusive relationship years before I did

outherealone · 23/01/2020 06:06

He sounds quite cunty tbf. He’s just undermining you. Get away from him and I’m sure you won’t hear that you’re horrible anymore

mathanxiety · 23/01/2020 06:09

The words your husband has used to hurt you are very commonly used by abusers. It's almost as if they have a list of instructions they all share.

Don't worry - it's not you, it's him.

You are not obliged to have sex with your husband. If you feel hurt or miserable because of his words, if you get the feeling that he doesn't even like you, let alone love you, do you feel you can just refuse?

Doyoumind · 23/01/2020 07:49

I don't know why people are questioning whether this is abusive. OP thought her husband's family likes her but he says not. She's not sure she's horrible but he says she is. She's insecure and he's angry.

I ended up with someone who told me I was horrible after a life of being told I was nice and did everything I could to be even nicer and not 'horrible'. It's a tactic to control you.

Skysblue · 23/01/2020 07:52

Your husband is a dick who is trying to undermine your self-esteem, isolate you and make you question yourself, while simultaneously use you for sex.

Don’t ‘ask’ to separate. TELL him you want a divorce.

Quartz2208 · 23/01/2020 07:53

It’s abusive because the op indicates that in order to not be horrible she would have to be a doormat who goes along with everything. So horrible actually means someone who has an opinion, has dared to suggest separating and questions him.
His control doesn’t want that so he has changed the narrative, blamed her and is making her question herself
Move forward op with separating

Newmetoday · 23/01/2020 07:57

You say you lose your temper easily. To me that’s horrible. Posters are taking your side because your a woman. No one can really know

Dontdisturbmenow · 23/01/2020 08:06

Strangers CA tell you that you are not horrible but what would they know from one message? Maybe you are maybe you are. You are clearly wanting to introspect and that's the right thing to do.

However, without clear example, how are you supposed to analyse situations? What triggered your OH telling you this as he must have been very angry to say such words.

Its up to you whether you ignore him and decide he get it all wrong in which case, why stay with him, or consider why he might think that and try to dig further.

I was a bit horrible a few years ago when dealing with the menopause which left me anxious, stressed and quite miserable. I only realised it afterward, at the time I thought I was just s bit moody at times.

WeHaveSnowdrops · 23/01/2020 08:23

Get this dreadful manipulative man out of your life.

CakeandCustard28 · 23/01/2020 08:28

Separating sounds good. Don’t second guess it because 6 months down the line from now you’ll be thinking thank god I got away from him Get away from him, he’s horrible not you.

GenderfreeJoe · 23/01/2020 08:28

I'd leave him op and find a happier life.

Bluerussian · 23/01/2020 08:33

OP, do please ask your husband why he and his family think you are 'horrible', what have you done specifically to make them have that opinion. You have a right to know I'd certainly push for an answer.

Good luck. Flowers

Pukkatea · 23/01/2020 08:34

It's certainly abusive to bring the supposed opinions of other people into the relationship. If the husband has an issue he can discuss it from his own perspective, suddenly banging on that everyone else hates you is manipulative and only designed to hurt you. That was the first wake up for my friend that she was in an abusive relationship, previously he had been patronising and controlling but when suddenly their arguments all descended into 'yeah well all of my friends agree you're a bitch' that was when she realised. He ended up physically assaulting her before she left him.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/01/2020 08:36

I have asked to separate
You don't need to ask you can just do it anyway. This sounds like an awful way to live, you don't have to put up with it.

LIZS · 23/01/2020 08:38

Sounds like a toxic relationship. Hard to judge you on such little info but him being so critical will not help. Gaslighting even.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/01/2020 08:38

Really, it isn't an issue about whether the OP is 'horrible' or not. Her husband clearly hates her and they should separate, he is being manipulative and cruel - if he thinks she is horrible why hasn't he left?

Bluerussian · 23/01/2020 08:46

That's a good point, Captain. I doubt she is horrible - how many people are 'horrible' all the time anyway? We all have off days. He shouldn't be going around throwing comments like that in her direction. She needs to confront him about it - before she leaves.

ravenmum · 23/01/2020 09:17

His family don't have to like you, and you don't have to like them. Not because you are all either Horrible or Nice, but because people are all very different and don't always get on with one another.

On the same note, you are not either Horrible or Nice. You are a human being. You probably do some things great and some things a bit shit, same as all the rest of us.

If your husband decides that your particular combination of characteristics is not right for him at the moment, then he can choose to leave you, and you can also choose to leave him for the same reason.

You don't have to defend yourself by finding examples of how nice you are, or by letting your husband sleep with you after calling you names.

KatherineJaneway · 23/01/2020 09:31

Sounds like he is calling you horrible to hurt you as you have asked to separate. Bit like in school where the nasty kid goes 'nobody likes you' to another kid to simply hurt them, it is not actually true.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 09:57

how many people are 'horrible' all the time anyway?

Well it depends if a poster is talking about themselves or their 'horrible' husband because everyone's happy to accept that a man is horrible all the time.

That's why people are asking for clarification