AIBU to think that nothing can touch me but also to be secretly terrified?

[CannotDestroy]

Background is I survived a medical emergency made worse by clinical negligence. All very distressing, painful, long recovery yadda yadda. But since then I've changed. I see things in black and white, I'm very forthright in my views and don't piss around. This is very unlike how I was before. But it is proving productive. I have been promoted so more money, more seniority, I'm suddenly making decisions and taking leadership about complex matters and I'm getting them right. My personal life is also going well in that I'm socialising more as am now a proactive organiser. I know how to oil an evening and make things go well. I am busy, successful even, but I don't quite know how I'm doing it because really I'm disconnected from everything which is the secret behind my relatively newfound success - you don't agonise over decisions when you don't really care about the outcome of them.

So actually I'm not enjoying any of this because it doesn't feel like it's really happening to me, although I take a certain pleasure in notching up achievements met. But I am observing it from the outside if you like and sort of marvelling at my secret power. The secret power being not really giving a shit.

Can anyone identity with this??

I have no idea what to tell you. Are you exceptionally clever? Have you become more clever since your incident?

No, I'm not clever. I just have secret powers. What I'm seeing is obvious to me but not to other people.

@PattiPrice I'm now middle management. I've got my eye on the fucking prize though. Coming up through the ranks, knows the ropes, utilitarian approach to operational difficulties. Urgh. All of that. I watch myself doing it and I don't care.

This thread is very interesting. I've had a couple of very serious health issues, a haemorrhage following a c-section, another haemorrhage following wafarin therapy for a DVT which resulted in a total hysterectomy after I was given blood transfusions, and an operation to remove parathyroid glands which ended up with half my thyroid being removed because it was compressing my trachea. I had thought I was short of breath before the operation because I was so debilitated from the disease of my parathyroid glands but it was my thyroid causing it. I'm lucky I had very experienced surgeons looking after me. I also got divorced from my abusive husband: eventually. Divorce in Ireland can take forever and in the words of my fantastic Women's Aid lady you can still be abused through the Courts system in Ireland by your abuser as the system is not fit for purpose. In fact he's still suing the first solicitor I had, the first solicitor he had, the Legal Aid Board and he was trying to sue the second solicitor I had to get because he was suing the first one. You would think I should have gotten more confident going through all that. But it's had the total opposite effect on me. I probably need assertiveness training and counselling. At work I'm very shy. Way quieter than I would have been when I started years ago. I don't even apply for interviews for promotion any more.

Are you sure it's not all jist some sort of self protection mechanism OP, a response to a serious health incident where you were very vulnerable and our of control?

It is great to take positives out of things when possible and I personally find a stoic approach to life empowering- however, such high levels of dissociation and/or fugue states after trauma are often a result of the brain attempting to deal with that trauma and reduce instances of relating to the person/situations that were victim to it. Be that in the immediacy or some time after.

I would have a chat with a psychologist or therapist if you felt willing, it might prove interesting or helpful and if no there is no harm.

Now I've figured out that they just want what suits them, if you frame it that way they'll go for it

Are you saying what you think they want to hear or are you genuinely looking out for them from a manager POV? I’m unclear, your tone suggests the former? If so, you are like many managers I’ve had over the years where they say one thing and they say the opposite a few months down the line. One manager frequently pointed out she was not at work to make friends. She wasn’t liked much, respected less and she is seen as ‘difficult’ to work with.
I’m not comparing you other than this woman’s management style was to ride roughshod over people, barely acknowledging many.

I believe it’s an accepted phenomenon that children who lose their mothers are more likely to go on to be high-achievers in business as they are not scared to take risks owing to the worst possible thing already having happened. Maybe this is a similar effect?

@Hollyhobbi I'm so sorry you went through all of that. Tbh you're a lot stronger than you think just to be standing and functioning, really. I mean, that counts as a win to me. I reckon that if you did go for promotion you'd ace it. What the fuck kind of questions could they ever ask you at interview that would be more difficult than what you've dealt with so far? You've got this. When you want it.

@dontgobaconmyheart that's what I'm unsure of. To everyone else it looks like success. But it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't really feel like anything. Which fucks me off because my life is functioning better than it ever has but I'm not enjoying it.

@PattiPrice omg you have no idea of how black my soul is now. So basically senior management has fucked up. I've found a way to look out for people I line manage while not implicating myself in senior level decisions at all. So for now, everyone likes me.

In terms of their day to day performance outside of this crisis, I've discovered ways of soft soaping, seeming to empower people to get them to perform better. Maybe it is actually empowerment, I don't even know any more. They certainly think it is, I'm can-doable and approachable, they know I've got their back in any performance discussions because I make the right noises, but I obliquely let them know when they skirt on the lines of taking the piss. It's a tacit understanding that it works better for all of us if we just play the fucking game.

Best way to live. You'll get used to it and stop feeling disconnected.

I know where you are coming from OP. I didn’t suffer the medical trauma but I pulled my nearest and very much dearest through and now very much in a fuck you state of mind. And I find that very similar words are coming out but the doubt (or the worry about being right or wrong) has gone. No one else ever seems to worry about it so why should I? I think the problem (as others identify) is that it is not your mo. It is an mo developed from a sense of “I have nothing to lose”. Brilliant as long as it works but it may not long term and, you know what? You have actually fought your battle and won - you’re just taking it to new fields and possibly ones without actual enemies in it (nb going to see my own therapist soon so this is a total armchair review).

This sounds like it could be depression-related to me. For some people depression manifests as detachment and feeling like an observer.

As you're feeling unhappy about this, I would recommend finding a counsellor or therapist to talk it through with you, someone who's qualified to treat serious trauma.

I think this is a separate issue from the secret power - when you are an attentive observer and are not emotionally invested in the results it's a lot easier to see people's motivation and true intentions. I used to feel something similar at a former job - that a lot of it was basically playground jostling in suits, and once you see that it's hard to unsee it.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you find some peace and contentment.

I’ve heard someone describe similar feelings after an accident.

I agree with the suggestion of counseling so that you can use this to maximize your happiness and not just your wallet.

I hope that you can find a way to use it that brings you great joy and makes the world a better place.

Also, brilliant reminder about how identifying what others want can help us be successful everyday. I don’t find that cynical not manipulative, just very intelligent.

I dissociated for over a year after a life threatening illness and three months in hospital. You will find yourself again. It just takes time.

I can see how not agonizing too much over and feeling somewhat dissociated from your decisions could make you a more effective leader in the workplace. Being able to compartmentalise and pull back from too much emotional attachment there is probably pretty healthy.

I wonder, though, how it's going down in your private life? You sound a bit thrilled by the success at work (and it does sound great!) but also somewhat scared by your lack of emotional attachment. So I second the suggestion for counseling - it won't make you less effective at work, you should be able to keep that approach in a work environment and still be more attached to your life as a whole.

could be ptsd. being detached is common.

You sound like the service personnel who've come back from combat and have to somehow squeeze back into the tiny mundane lives the rest of us lead - work squabbles, school yard pecking order, all the commercial Christmas nonsense and so on.

You obviously weren't in combat but you've been somewhere equally profound and life-or-death. Your brain needs a long time to process all of that and this odd detachment is probably part of it. You have experienced a traumatic event which is in its nature extremely upsetting and emotional... so it is perhaps as a defence mechanism that the more emotional thinking parts of your brain are suppressed somewhat while you recover. This is how you are surviving as opposed to be a quivering wreck!

I wouldn't be too sure about the secret powers though. Sure, people are generally very selfish, even when trying not to be, so it seems like you can always tell. But the reality is probably more nuanced, especially outside of work (which is a very self-centred environment as each person is employed individually, even within a team).

My daughter was seriously ill last year. Days from multi organ failure. ICU, strict isolation. Treatments that made her as sick as the illness itself. Wheelchair, Hickman line, in and out of hospital all year.

She’s doing brilliantly, back in school after missing almost all of year two. Struggles to fit in with her peers (you wouldn’t watch a kid her age to watch a TV drama showing what she’s been through) but is kind and puts the feelings of others first.

We’ve both got some post trauma stuff to deal with. Mine manifests as anxiety and self confinement, home is safe. Other people are increasingly unimportant compared to my immediate family.

Perhaps your super powers are some kind of post trauma response, as PP have suggested. If you decide to explore that unravel carefully, your current situation sounds much better than ours!

I'm going through similar at the minute.

I have postnatal depression which I am on meds and have been to therapy for. During the last few months I have been cold and withdrawn. I blocked a lot of my feelings out, when I was supposed to feel happy of sad I just felt nothing.
The upside is that where I would have been shy before, I'm not any more.
I used to think I couldn't speak up in a meeting room, now i do.
I used to be shy with parents of other kids at school, but now I'm not.

I seem to have made friends for the first time in my life, every weekend I have plans with other people.

I've been back to work for over a month and have been given a huge project and been told if I want to apply for a promotion this year I will get it.
Apparently in the last month I've showed that I'm good at planning, getting things done, delegating and 'not afraid to tell someone if they've done something wrong'.

But do I really deserve all the good things that are happening to me now?

I'm the same having gone through birth trauma and nearly losing DD. I moved in to the special care unit to care for her following my c section and felt so alone but equally on top of things. I do find now that I just dont give a shit. I feel more motivated than ever as life is too short to be unhappy and I no longer care about upsetting those who should have been supportive at the worst of times but acted terribly. I guess that's released me from a burden. I also feel a bit sad though that I'm forever changed by that experience will maybe always be a bit tainted by it. I hear a lot "but you used to enjoy xyz" but now I dont.

It sounds like you are dissociating due to the trauma of the medical incident. When you are ready for it it, which might be when the dissociation becomes less useful for you, or it might be now if you want to address the lack of feeling you have, find yourself a therapist specialising in trauma. You might find EMDR helpful.

Don't go via the NHS, you've got money, spend it on a good therapist.

This is really interesting.

I think perspective gives clarity and I suspect it’s something that a lot of people simply mature into. Others, like yourself op, are thrown into it with no notice.

Losing a parent to a horrific illness has given me some similar feelings to this mentioned here (immediate family is all that really matters, and even only select ones of them.... success at work.... diplomacy/playing the game) and yes you could say I’m thriving professionally and whilst I’m enjoying it it doesn’t feel like I thought it would feel. It’s still just work, it’s still just a means to an end. I’m reminded of that every weekend after intensive demanding weeks I find it quite amusing that everyone “downs tools” and forgets about it at the end of the day or the week.

I’m actually going to try to adopt some of your approaches! And I’m fairly sure that you are spot on about a lot of it.

I think you’re ok op but would wholeheartedly recommend therapy as a means to unpick the bits you’re a bit surprised/unsure/uncomfortable with.

But actually, thank you for posting this and best wishes to you.

I get where you're coming from. But I wonder if your newly discovered sense of perspective isn't a little skewed.

I lost my dad at 16. Figured that was the worst that could happen.

Lost my mum just before my wedding. Got through it.

Lost a baby. First and only pregnancy. Got through it (quite shocked at how "well" I dealt with it actually).

Never conceived again. Got through it.

Lost my lovely sister recently. Got through it.

Lost a dear cat last year. It nearly broke me and I can't even talk about him now.

All this means I really appreciate the happy times and I am fortunate that there are many.

I understand your need to protect yourself but I also think it's important to have a weak spot, otherwise you're in danger of not benefiting from enjoying the good stuff. Even the darkest days have some light.

Good luck.

Hi OP
You've said a lot about your ' superpowers' but not replied to those who feel you might also be struggling and need some trauma therapy to work out if this is just you a bit closed down/ overly detached or even dissociating/ dissociated from feelings etc
You sound a little bit in fast forward.

I suffered a medical incident and an ensuing legal case and it left me feeling completely unawed by dealing with pretty much anyone. I can speak to anyone, no matter how senior in their field in a very relaxed way. Previously I would have been a bit more deferential.

You do sound a bit detached and, frankly, a tiny bit off kilter with all this ‘super power’ talk.

Trauma is very real and affects people differently. I’m much more cautious than I used to be. Another friend said the exact opposite since she had no control over the catastrophe that struck her family.

Maybe slow down a bit and take the best bits but consider talking to someone about this ‘new you’. Do your friends and family comment?

Sorry if I've missed this OP, but are you happy to say what sort of medical emergency this was?

I have felt similarly to you after a difficult break up - I didn't care about lots of things and subsequently felt pretty powerful at work etc., because, like other posters have said, the worst thing had already happened and I knew how to survive that.

It was like I hadn't really been tested before, and now that I had been I knew just how strong I could be in so many areas of my life.

I want me these super powers 🤩