AIBU to think that nothing can touch me but also to be secretly terrified?

[CannotDestroy]

Background is I survived a medical emergency made worse by clinical negligence. All very distressing, painful, long recovery yadda yadda. But since then I've changed. I see things in black and white, I'm very forthright in my views and don't piss around. This is very unlike how I was before. But it is proving productive. I have been promoted so more money, more seniority, I'm suddenly making decisions and taking leadership about complex matters and I'm getting them right. My personal life is also going well in that I'm socialising more as am now a proactive organiser. I know how to oil an evening and make things go well. I am busy, successful even, but I don't quite know how I'm doing it because really I'm disconnected from everything which is the secret behind my relatively newfound success - you don't agonise over decisions when you don't really care about the outcome of them.

So actually I'm not enjoying any of this because it doesn't feel like it's really happening to me, although I take a certain pleasure in notching up achievements met. But I am observing it from the outside if you like and sort of marvelling at my secret power. The secret power being not really giving a shit.

Can anyone identity with this??

[UYScuti]

In all situations they are looking out for themselves
I agree with this!

[anonopotomus]

OP I've been reading about Complex PTSD recently. When we suffer a trauma, there's usually a fight, flight, fawn or freeze response. Your dissociating could well be a freeze response to the trauma you suffered.

Pete Walker is knowledgeable on the subject if you want to look into it and has a book 'Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving' which would help you understand and recover.

[GrumpiestCat]

This sort of detachment/disassociating is understandable because it's traumatic to be "that other person" who was so vulnerable.

After trauma I spent a year or so doing what could be described as sex work and it was like flying after being stuck in a bog. I actually had a different identity and it was so liberating saying yes, no, fuck off in a direct way to strangers to get what I needed which was primarily being in control of men tbh.

I couldn't sustain it long term, I'd have got into trouble but it served a purpose.

You say you're scared, maybe the time is coming to put the bitch back in the box and recover some kinder emotions. Life is calmer now for me. You can always bring her out if needed.

Also you talk about knowing other people's motivation .. I was paranoid as heck for a long time. I even called that time in my life c*ntgate as I insulted so many people who I presumed didn't care about me. I was wrong. Honestly not everyone is out for what they can get. But I couldn't see that then.

I'm sorry you had to go through trauma. Hope you can continue to heal. Maybe see this time as part of that process for you but not the end point.

[DollyDaydreamss]

You sound like you're suffering with your mental health to me. Almost like you're mentally ill. It's no 'key to the universe' to be cynical about people's motives .. it's just a thing. Some folk are cynical, some folk are gullible.

I agree with @justaboy - the trauma you suffered has caused some MH issues or you've got a brain injury that's causing you to feel so detached and believing you have super powers

[Straycatstrut]

Yup. Ex walked out on me and two very young, hyperactive boys both with medical conditions. I have a breakdown and considered hanging myself - had very vivid pictures in my head of doing it.

I've dragged myself out of it and am applying for college courses to get myself a new, decent life. It is tough - it is soul destroying at times - but I'm no longer this timid little smiling teenage looking "girl" I was before all that happened. No longer get ID'd!

Sometimes you need a big scare/wake up call in order to get to where you need to be. I honestly get why so many people have a "don't give a shit" attitude. I SO get it now.

[Actionhasmagic]

I also think when you accept what you can and can’t control it help.

[Butterfly02]

I get it - I had a traumatic birth - it affected me in that I wanted to fill everyday giving dc me as I knew he came very close to not having me. But it was proportional I feel.
However I then went through a traumatic medical event which was life changing (I lost my health, independence, job etc) as well as the physical problems I now have I also sustained PTSD - part of that shows like you I can do anything because of what I survived, nothing phases me, except health issues and the fear of me or my children entering hospital. I also don't have the range of emotions I had and should have.
I'm awaiting Emdr presently. I'd urge you to look into it. The research seems positive for trauma and all the psychology team I speak to are positive about it.

[kingkuta]

The only times I have heard people talking of 'knowing what people are thinking' and having 'superpowers' they have been very mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar). I'm pleased that you are doing well at work but the way you talk makes me concerned about your mental health. How are your loved ones reacting to this new you. Have they noticed a change and do they think its positive?

[movingdilemma1234]

I also developed super powers for about a year after my 16 year old son was traumatically killed. I developed amazing skills that I never had before or since, could talk eloquently to hundreds of people at a time, travelled around the UK making presentations and my job went from strength to strength too.
However it wasn't really me, it was the severe shock and trauma and I really think I only survived that first year because of the disassociation I experienced.
I never really crashed, just slowly lost the super powers ( I also thought I knew the meaning of life and what people were thinking)
Many years on I'm more back to normal, just a little sadder all the time

[movingdilemma1234]

And want to add I was seen by a Consultant Psychiatrist during this time who diagnosed me as having not one mental health illness, just severe traumatic grief

[UYScuti]

Movingdilemma, I'm so sorry for your loss 💐
What you say makes me think of the book by Joan didion 'the year of magical thinking'
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002UZ5J8G/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Something difficult and traumatic happened in my life a few years ago and since then I feel as if my brain was broken open and I have more insight then I used to have

[DuLANGMondeFOREVER]

I also developed super powers for about a year after my 16 year old son was traumatically killed. I developed amazing skills that I never had before or since, could talk eloquently to hundreds of people at a time, travelled around the UK making presentations and my job went from strength to strength too.

I’m sorry for your loss. Life can be so incredibly unfair.

I wonder if this is what powers some (all?) of the amazing bereaved parent campaigners and charity founders such as Lucy Herd (in the news today due to the success of her campaign for ‘Jack’s Law’), Sara Payne, Denise Fergus, Doreen Lawrence, Shirley Nolan and countless others?

[AudacityOfHope]

I don't have anything insightful to add, just wanted to say that this thread is beyond fascinating.

I too think you sound a little off-kilter OP, hope you get the help you need (and retain your kick-ass new self of course)

[EagleVisionSquirrelWork]

You sound traumatised to me. The fact that the fallout from that looks a lot like what our society calls success says more about success (and our society) than it does about trauma.

Like pp, I would recommend psychotherapy.

[Anonyma]

If you feel uncomfortable with the way you have become, and if it's impacting your happiness or personal life, then time to seek some professional help.

But are you uncomfortable? Or have you just changed and you're still learning about this dramatic evolution of your personality? How did you expect success to feel?

I don't personally use the language of "superpowers" but having your level of detachment, good listening skills and strong analytical skills can sometimes speed you through difficult situations in a way that looks and feels superhuman.

Do you feel you're actually losing your emotions or principles? Or have you gained the confidence and judgement to balance them?

[RoseWines]

OP are you happy with the 'new you'? Content to live like this going forwards? :)

[HaudMaDug]

You sound like you have possibly had a brain injury. Personality change can be the after effect of an concussion or injury to the head/neck. (read up on James Cracknell)
The change in personality and loss of feeling may not be apparent to you but how do your family or people close to you relate to your 'new found powers'?
After a serious concussion years ago I thought I was fine but my family could not handle how cold hearted and uncompassionate I had become and struggled to understand. I must have come across as a right wisearse and I had no patience for them and cut them off instead, I just didn't realise how selfish I had become.
Yes its been great productively as I'm a machine when I have stuff to do but the realisation that no one cares how great you are at your job and their resentment towards you for manipulating them for your own goals will catch up with you.
I've found that through time a less cynical me has been returning but I'm still cold and unfeeling at times when I should probably be emotional. My family welcomed me back and they understand things better now but I also now know that its on me not them and I'm sorry for the times I do still come out with the odd condescending outburst.