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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Alternative ways of life

52 replies

Boredbumhead · 22/01/2020 10:54

Just asking for ideas and advice really. I am a single mum. I work full time in a full time job which is difficult and somewhat high pressure. I have two DC's aged 4 and 8. But I'm rapidly burning out. Something needs to change. I spend all day in office and feel me and the kids are disconnected from nature and exhausted. I keep watching Ben Fogels escape to the wild, and needing an escape. I can't keep doing the rat race and living for contentment around the corner. Just asking for advice. Help something. Perhaps I need to change career to something with more meaning and purpose. I don't have many friends and I don't have a support network, so I'm pretty isolated.

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FiveStoryFire · 22/01/2020 10:58

Is it possible to reduce your working hours at all?

hipslikecinderella · 22/01/2020 10:58

Move to wales?

Where do you live op? It is important to get out into nature only for a short while every few days/week makes a difference.....

Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 10:59

Where do you live?

You don't need to change your entire life to get in touch with nature. Could you start a vegetable patch in your garden or rent an allottment? Build a bug hotel, make a hedgehog hide.

PsychosonicCindy · 22/01/2020 11:09

I burnt out working in an office so I left my house got a caravan on a farm and got a job (for far less money!) working with dogs. I was so happy it can be done. Or buy a camper van take your kids out of school for a year and travel! You will have to live frugally and have less home comforts but up to you whether its worth it or not.

Boredbumhead · 22/01/2020 11:10

I actually already live in Wales but in the city 😊. I like the idea of living more rurally but the work I do is only available in big cities really.

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milliefiori · 22/01/2020 11:10

You could look at moving to a cheaper area out in the countryside, where rent/mortgage is much lower. If any of your skills are suitable for WFH, then you can still charge city rates for them. My DS-i-L did this. Moved from London to a tiny coastal village and worked PT from home for her old law firm while DC were growing up. It was a very stress-free existence.

Start by working out what your most valuable assets are. Is it skills that command good hourly rates that you could use form home? Is it a city property that you own?

I would be very careful about moving to the middle of nowhere. With nothing to entertain them, DC could get very lonely and bored or depressed and you could feel very isolated. You could end up driving them around everywhere and really scrabbling to earn a living on seasonal minimum wages.

Make a note too of all the good things in your life that you take for granted. Are there good nurseries. schools, healthcare. transport, local events, well-stocked, fairly priced shops and markets, supportive friends or colleagues? If not, then the move will be easier. But if there are, don;t underestimate the shock of isolating yourself from all that.

Meanwhile, ease off a bit. Have a day in the countryside this wekend with the DC, just to see how they enjoy the mud and frost and wildlife. It's all very well fantasisisng about home schooling and allowing children to run free but not all children want that. Some long for structure and clean clothes and central heating. Would an alternative life style suit your children's personalities?

Maybe chat with your work about doing a day or two from home each week, or going down to a four day week so you are less stressed (the savings in childcare and commuting bills can make the loss of income more bearable.)

Boredbumhead · 22/01/2020 11:11

@PsychosonicCindy oh that sounds amazing almost my dream job. I don't know if I could manage living in a caravan though. But you are hope it can be done!

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CapnSquirrel · 22/01/2020 11:13

Do you live in a city or close to the countryside OP? Could you commit to say Sunday morning being family time outside and getting the DC involved in researching places they'd like to explore? Lakes/mountains/ national parks/beaches etc? Maybe they'd like to try some outdoor sports, or if they're interested in birds/wild animals you could learn about different species and see if you can find any?

My DC are younger and we live rurally so rain or shine we're outside. I invested in outdoor waterproof clothes for them and me so I couldn't use weather as an excuse.

bridgetreilly · 22/01/2020 11:14

Island life for 6 months?

milliefiori · 22/01/2020 11:14

My idea of stress from hell would be to take DC out of school and live in a caravan for a year, travelling around. No break from each other 24/7. Tiny cramped space - no one can be alone to think their own thoughts or calm down if upset or mak etheir own noise (both DC love music.) Think it through...

Cryingoverspilttea · 22/01/2020 11:23

You live in Wales. Go out for the day at the weekend. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Go for a train journey. I find it hard to believe anyone in Wales can feel so disconnected from the countryside and nature that it can't be resolved by a 40 minute journey to somewhere pretty and scenic.

KittenMittens1 · 22/01/2020 11:40

I'm very much following this! I'm feeling the burn out and looking for ways to leave the rat race.

Have you thought about getting a dog?

I'm due to start maternity leave soon, and my neighbour is paying me £10 a day to walk and check on their dog. Started taking the dog out on weekends so they get used to me and the walk to the local woods and around the woods really resets my brain. Sometimes take a picnic too.

CapnSquirrel · 22/01/2020 11:52

Just to note living rurally doesn't equate to stress free! While there are obvious benefits, I'd move back to my home city in a heartbeat for the ease of life/convenience and variety. Living in the sticks can be isolating and a nuisance workwise/socially - a beautiful view isn't enough to cut it most days. Sadly DH won't budge.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 22/01/2020 12:24

@CapnSquirrel has it right. Moving to the countryside isn't a magic wand.

I think you need a new focus on life.

I would start off by minimalising and decluttering your possessions. This really helped me. It allowed me to think differently about material items and I quickly changed my spending habits, because I realised that we don't need many things at all. -for inspiration, I'd look up the 30 day minimalism game on youtube.

We combined that with getting outside nearly every evening - we drive out (they're about half an hour away) towards some moors/to some footpaths (using a head tourch and waterproofs on dark evenings) - to go for a very very slow jog or a walk up a hill - some form of fresh air every day really helps put life in perspective!

thepeopleversuswork · 22/01/2020 12:34

I sympathise with this, also a lone parent working FT in a very stressful job... watching this thread with interest.

But I'm totally with CapnSquirrel -- there's a long history of people upping sticks and moving somewhere rural in search of a more relaxed life and finding themselves bored, lonely, isolated and skint. It's not a silver bullet at all and I can think of several example where people have done that and bitterly regretted it. Not saying its automatically a disaster but I'd think very carefully before chucking everything in to go and live in the country.

Ditto the idea of taking your kids out of school for a year and living in a campervan. This sounds like a recipe for disaster tbh.

Wish I had the answer.

managedmis · 22/01/2020 12:45

Holiday home in the Welsh mountains?

C0untd0wnC0ff33 · 22/01/2020 13:41

Do you visit parks, feed birds, ducks in your area ?

Nature table, take photos, collect objects, scrap books

Geocache, excuse to walk in city or countryside

Plan days out or a holiday, some beai places in Wales

Boredbumhead · 22/01/2020 18:11

@CapnSquirrel I like the idea of a minimalism challenge and a new focus on life.
I like the idea of getting out more. I am quite time poor, but with lights we could go out in the dark I guess.

Thanks for all the comments. Perhaps I'm a bit too the grass is always greener, but wish I was living a more alternative lifestyle. Staring at a computer screen for hrs a day is really draining me!
Perhaps I need to get a babysitter so I can go out once a week to an excercise class or something!

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Boredbumhead · 22/01/2020 18:12

@bridgetreilly that looks amazing, if my work would give me the time off I'd apply!

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mencken · 22/01/2020 18:16

if you are thinking of last night's episode - they are not exactly as off the grid as they would have you believe. They were using a gas cooker (and you can't grow that), clearly have a vehicle for travel and aren't actually that far from towns because I know roughly where they are.

and our eco-warrior makes 14 grand a year from blogging (bloody impressive, clearly lots of affiliate marketing which of course means people buying pointless tat) but isn't worried about all those servers...

it is mid winter so a tricky time, but lose the screens at the weekend and go out. Walk, cycle, invest in National Trust membership if you have places nearby etc etc. As the kids get older you'll be less restricted, so look at a few year plan to escape.

DonPablo · 22/01/2020 18:23

I garden. Vegetables mainly, but I do do the normal gardening too. You really feel the seasons, you create beautiful things, watch things grow. Its very therapeutic.

iheartspiders · 22/01/2020 18:40

"Perhaps I need to get a babysitter so I can go out once a week to an excercise class or something!"

I'm in a different position, but I did this. I paid for a babysitter for an hour once a week to run with the local running club. It was the first time in 7 years that I'd made regular commitment to something for myself.

I'd also join in with the PPs saying to drop a day (or WFH). Working 4 days while my DCs are in school has made the world of difference. That day is now My Day. I drop the kids off, then spend 2 hours at the gym (weights and a class - I've only got one day!) and then back home to get some work done to free up our weekend time. It's had a phenomenal affect on my MH and stress.

Another thing my colleagues and I do is go OUT at lunchtime! Sometimes we go for a walk round the town, sometimes a little jog. We have less than an hour, so we have to be creative with "costume changes" etc. But it is possible to do. And it's so good to get some daylight at this time of year. And it's positively impacted the social aspect too.

And at the weekend we've started taking the kids out on their bikes/scooters/foot and walk/run/cycle with them on the local cycle paths or in the park.

Life is for living. Find contentment in the mundanity of now!

bridgetreilly · 22/01/2020 19:57

if my work would give me the time off I'd apply!

Have you asked? I mean, they might say no, but if you don't ask you'll never know whether they might say yes.

Didiusfalco · 22/01/2020 20:04

My colleague lives in a cooperative in a city. She’s told me a lot about them and they are in all sorts of places, some for families/people with children some for single people and couples or a mixture. They have to be affordable for people on housing benefits and obviously no landlord so no risk of selling up/eviction. The one she lives in all food is shared and obviously there is a support network. I think there is a certain left leaning ethos, and she has a very different ideas about ownership and money than a lot of people I know. but it would definitely offer a different way of approaching life.

Boredbumhead · 23/01/2020 09:18

Just bought a house but like the idea of cooperatives @Didiusfalco.

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