To be struggling with my OH being on a diet?

[EmmaNumberThree]

So as not to drip feed, I have a history of eating disorders. I was anorexic and bulimic in my teens and spent most of my 20s on a binge/starve cycle. Things have been a lot better for the last 10 years or so since I had children, but once you know how many calories are in every food you never forget that, and I still know pretty much how many calories I eat a day.

My OH has decided to go on a diet. Which in itself is fine. He isn't overweight but has put on a few pounds recently that he wants to shift. But he is obsessive about it. He weighs himself every morning, he is eating very little (today he had some muesli for breakfast and plans to have a protein bar for his lunch), and he is indirectly making me eat more because when we have an evening meal, he serves himself up less than me so I end up having more. I feel like a pig eating more than him, even though the portion size he gives me is normal.

He has also started running a lot, and we are just about to undertake in IVF cycle and I have been told I have to limit exercise to 3 x 45 minute sessions per week. I don't often do that much, but I stupidly feel jealous of his ability to go out whenever he likes when I can't.

I probably sound like a stroppy teenager, but I am finding his diet hard to cope with. He does know about my eating disorder past and I have said I can't really be hands on to support him achieve his weight loss goal because it's too difficult, but despite that I am still struggling.

What can I do?

Counselling for your eating disorder.

Because you think it's ongoing?

Yes, if someone elses eating patterns are affecting your own then counselling could really help unpick why.

I do understand the trigger, but hope you can find a way to not let it affect your own positive position that you're in now.

These are all your issues, not his.
He does seem to be jumping right in there but IMO men often do take things very seriously when they start.

It is definitely ongoing. Someone altering their eating habits should not be making you feel this way. I would also suggest getting it under control if you are trying to conceive. Pregnancy takes away your control over your weight and whilst some women can find this liberating, others find it incredibly difficult. I have struggled with eating disorders and I have to say I am finding post partum second time around very difficult to accept.

Yanbu. Given your history I'm not surprised.
You don't necessarily need counselling you need him to keep his counting to himself.
I am an ex anorexic. I was 4 stone 10 day one point. I'm 7.7 fit healthy and eat a good diet I love a sandwich at work.
Though I avoid dieting talk it is like a challenge. I am sure an ex alcoholic would feel the same constant chat around alcohol.
I work with mainly men and a few women who never talk about diets. Bliss.
I found a female dominated office canteen in my last job very difficult, especially when they watch me eat Oh Emerald how are you so slim? Do you eat after work. My mind screaming fuck you I don't comment on your body.
Rant over.

It is definitely ongoing Of course it is. It is an illness it doesn't go away though you manage it and avoid triggers like Diet talk.

Definitely counselling for you. And he needs to be much more considerate to your needs. You do know that ED is essentially like an addiction, don't you? You aren't "cured", you're just doing much better at the moment.

for you from a fellow ED sufferer. It's actually not as uncommon as some people think. Many people just keep quiet about it, through a misplaced sense of shame.

You need to get help for your own issues.

Your husband is doing something positive for himself and doesn't need the negativity.

Your husband is doing something positive for himself and doesn't need the negativity I don't get why he can't do something positive quietly. He doesn't need an audience if he wants to share stories tell him join a diet club.
What is it with men they need a bloody clap for everything.
Talk to him be honest.

I'm already having counselling for various other "issues" that I've got.

I agree with whichever PP said having an eating disorder is something that you manage and live with.

Is he talking a lot about weighing himself and what he's eating? If so, that's a bit out of order.

He usually weighs himself as he gets out of bed, the scales are in our bathroom so I can hear him doing it. He talks about how virtuous he is being and the choices he is making, although to be fair not constantly.

We meaning OH and I are both cutting back, xmas excess. He as always makes such a song and dance about it. I could tip his poached eggs with baked beans over his head. His walking, food intake, weighing are such a drama, just bloody eat less and shut up about it.

In the short term why can't you serve yourself at dinner time? Then you can serve yourself a 'normal' portion that you feel comfortable with and anything left due to OHs changed eating habits can go straight in the fridge or freezer.

The not exercising frequently during IVF sounds odd to me. I'd be asking your healthcare provider for the evidence base to support that recommendation, i.e. the study or trial that proves that exercising more than 3 times a week decreases the chance of success.

We have family service for meals each person taking how much of each type of food they want to eat. It might help you more than him plating up your food.

Oh mate that’s such a tough one! I’m not surprised you’re struggling a bit at the moment - been there, done that myself! It’s a right bastard of a disease, rearing its head up when you least expect. No practical advice I’m afraid (beyond telling him to STFU about calories) but lots of kindness towards you!

@EmmaNumberThree I've been in recovery from my eating disorder for a long time, and even now, if I feel out of control in whatever aspect of my life, I control what I can; my nutrition...

It never goes away, its always there!

The fact that you said that you know how many calories you're taking in, without much conscious effort, confirms that you're not "cured" either.

You need to speak to someone about this, whether it's your regular councillor or another one, perhaps with your partner, so he realises how his diet is a trigger for you. But you know yourself, it's a slippery slope into a very dark hole...

"I feel like a pig eating more than him, even though the portion size he gives me is normal."

I can see how this would be triggering, especially given social messages about how women are always supposed to eat less than men etc. You may simply have to eat separately from him. If he's supportive, he will understand.

Hey hope you are ok. Totally get where you are coming from. Imo you dont need counselling about this. You are just extra sensitive to it, that's all.
You have done amazing to recover from anorexia and get a life back. It's a hideous illness and not many people will ever understand it. Take care

If DH went on a diet, I might look at my own and wonder if a few healthier choices were in order, and if he wanted a bit more exercise and went for walks I would probably join him. I would be supportive. Vice versa. But beyond that neither of us would give a shit.

You need to talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him that you think it's great that he's taking care of himself, that you're really proud of him. And tell him that you're finding it really difficult. Ask him if he can make any adjustments, such as weighing himself every three days or in the evenings when you're downstairs clattering in the kitchen or watching telly, can you have an evening when he doesn't run and you go for a walk together, instead of him having a protein bar for lunch could you both have a grilled chicken salad?

Otherwise, protect yourself. Go and have a bath/shower while he preps for his run. Take up meditation and set up a calm space for it - or even very light yoga if you focus more towards very gentle poses, slow movements and breathwork.

If you start to look at your own plate and feel like it's the enemy, it's a step backwards. It's ok to acknowledge your emotions, but it's not ok to act on them. Keep reminding yourself that his health requires that he lose a little weight and exercise a little more - your health requires that you maintain your intake and limit your exercise. Different approaches are needed for each of you, but the goal is the same - to be healthy.

For you, this includes your mental health. I would check in with your counsellor about this. You need to look after yourself. You've done amazingly.

I have had one thought, I may be way off, but the IVF... most of the focus will be on your body and what you can do, but is this perhaps his contribution? Sort of a "She must do this, this, and this - I can do this, this, and this"? I don't know the circumstances around your need for IVF obviously, but is he trying to do what he can to ensure success? It could also be a distraction for him - and maybe you need one of your own. I imagine it's pretty intense for you both.

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know that other people understand why it's an issue for me.

I don't know the circumstances around your need for IVF obviously, but is he trying to do what he can to ensure success?

This is a frozen cycle, so his spermy bit has already happened. I understand your rationale for that though. Maybe he is just trying to get healthier as if we do have a baby he wants to be in good shape (his words, not mine).

I think the IVF at the same time just heightens everything and makes any little stressor so much bigger, so maybe I am overreacting a bit.

You're probably hyper sensitive worrying about IVF. It is bound to trigger any sensitive go to comfort issues you have.
Try some yoga to declutter stress from your mind. Stress is a massive trigger for an ex addict.

An eating disorder never goes away, we manage our symptoms and that’s it, i don’t think some of these replies are fair.

Counselling and Prozac stopped me starving myself but it still plays on my mind every single bloody day!!

I wouldn’t be able to cope with this at all, But weirdly I’m okay with my mum banging on about dieting, mostly because I know she’s not actually dieting! 😂

I am still really struggling with this.

I asked him today if he wanted to have some lunch, and his response was "I've had an apple for lunch".

I had a sandwich and just felt greedy for doing so.

Last night I explained that I get triggered by some of the way he talks. For example he said he didn't want a packet of crisps because he was trying to "be good" (which by default means I am being bad by having them myself) and that he "deserved" to have a pudding because he had been for a run (which I hadn't done and therefore I didn't deserve it). I said I found it really hard and he apologised and said he would try not to talk about it in those terms.

But then the apple thing happened and I don't know whether to say that that triggered me as well. I know it's my issue, but he knows my background and that I'm struggling.