To be struggling with my OH being on a diet?

[EmmaNumberThree]

So as not to drip feed, I have a history of eating disorders. I was anorexic and bulimic in my teens and spent most of my 20s on a binge/starve cycle. Things have been a lot better for the last 10 years or so since I had children, but once you know how many calories are in every food you never forget that, and I still know pretty much how many calories I eat a day.

My OH has decided to go on a diet. Which in itself is fine. He isn't overweight but has put on a few pounds recently that he wants to shift. But he is obsessive about it. He weighs himself every morning, he is eating very little (today he had some muesli for breakfast and plans to have a protein bar for his lunch), and he is indirectly making me eat more because when we have an evening meal, he serves himself up less than me so I end up having more. I feel like a pig eating more than him, even though the portion size he gives me is normal.

He has also started running a lot, and we are just about to undertake in IVF cycle and I have been told I have to limit exercise to 3 x 45 minute sessions per week. I don't often do that much, but I stupidly feel jealous of his ability to go out whenever he likes when I can't.

I probably sound like a stroppy teenager, but I am finding his diet hard to cope with. He does know about my eating disorder past and I have said I can't really be hands on to support him achieve his weight loss goal because it's too difficult, but despite that I am still struggling.

What can I do?

Honestly I'm not surprised you find this difficult. This would really grate on me and I dont have a history of ED. Ask him to think about this a lot harder. Ask him if he would want anyone talking and behaving like this around any daughter you might one day have? He is being selfish and thoughtless at the moment. Also tbh it sounds like he doesn't have s very healthy approach to his eating/dieting. If he's been carrying on like this since you first posted he sounds a bit obsessed?

Have you talked about this in counselling at all? I think it would be wise to try and confront this now before it becomes a bigger issue. You could ask your husband not to mention what he’s eaten, etc. But I’m not sure how much difference that will really make since you seem to be very, very aware of it anyway (hearing the scales etc.) and while his watching his words would stop it hitting you in the face quite so much, he’s likely to slip up from time to time. And, in any case, it isn’t really going to address the underlying fact that you still think of food in this way (good/bad etc.).

Yes I’ve talked about it in counselling but with no real resolution. And I’ve spent half of my adult life - more than that probably - obsessing about food, and I’m not like that anymore. I don’t think of food in terms of good or bad. But he does. And so I feel impacted by his food ideas that I have worked hard to avoid thinking myself, if that makes sense

i can understand as a long time sufferer, hope your ivf sticks! if you do get pregnant its also a trigger point as the vomiting and tiny stomach due to baby pressure can also restrict your food, i had to really stop myself from falling down the rabbit hole each time. good luck and never be afraid to speak out about it hug x

I don’t think of food in terms of good or bad. But he does.

I would argue that if, when he mentions food being good or him deserving something, you immediately apply turn that analysis onto your own eating, that you probably do, deep down, still have those associations. And that being able to counter that thinking as it happens would help you cope better with what is, after all, quite a common way for people who don’t have eating disorders to talk about balancing their food choices.

Also, though, have you talked to him about how long he intends to do this for? Because as others have said, He seems a bit obsessed and if it goes on for a long time he may push himself into eating disorder territory. Perhaps a joint session with a nutritionist who is specialised in eating disorders could help you come up with a family plan for approaching eating that would satisfy him and be based on long term healthy habits that work for you and that you both would be happy to pass on to your children? I don’t know if there are specialists who do this.

Hi OP, I had an eating disorder when young and like you I feel it can be a lifelong issue but I manage it. I am also a MH professional and I would urge you to seek dedicated counselling for your eating disorder. Perhaps try dedicated CBT? You need to unpick your association of good and bad behaviour with food - easier said than done. Also perhaps chat to your DH so that he knows not to mention calories etc in front of you. But I think it is always easier to try to manage your own reaction as well as trying to get him to understand.

I agree about getting support for the eating disorder but also understand that having managed so well for so long you are reluctant to do this just now.

Since calories are your thing, could you use them in this way:

How many lb does your DP want to lose to be 'fit' like you?
How many calories is that in total?

Could you imagine this as food he has already eaten.

So - for each meal, he is not eating less than you... he just ate earlier

Mental gymnastics - I know - but perhaps it would take some of the competition out of it all for you?

Hi OP, I had to post because I’m going through something very similar. I have anorexia and currently having outpatient treatment to try and recover. But my husband is obsessed - with food, tracking calories, weighing himself and the gym. It’s really hard work. He tries to hide things from me, but I know when he’s scanning food on MFP and I can hear him using the scales. He says he just wants to get fitter - he’s very much into weight lifting at the gym, but i get so angry with him that he knows he’s upsetting me but won’t stop.
So sorry no advice as such, just to say I very much understand.

I realise this has been touched before but it does sound as though your partner is verging on an eating disorder himself. Have you thought about showing him this thread? I wonder if he knows just how deeply his comments are affecting you. You should be so proud of your recovery by the way!
In regards to your IVF, you probably already realise this but getting pregnant and your body changing and putting on weight has potential to make this situation worse. (I am speaking from experience as a former 'super fit' person who watched enviously as my husband continued to exercise freely as I had to limit my workouts throughout both my pregnancies).

I’d also echo counselling given his eating habits are affecting you so much plus pregnancy weight etc that will come.

It’s good he wants to change his food habits and exercise more etc but both would need to be mindful when children arrive re talk of good/bad foods, weight etc.

I've already got 2 DC with a previous partner and eating stuff and weight gain was fine with those pregnancies. In fact my eating and acceptance of my body and the amazing things it can do has been since getting pregnant and having children.

"it does sound as though your partner is verging on an eating disorder himself"

Probably not, he's just going through the extra zealous phase many people go through at the start of a health kick. He'll get over it soon enough and revert to his normal habits.

He'll get over it soon enough and revert to his normal habits

I hope so. At the moment he can find the energy to run but is sleeping during the day because he is so tired 🤷🏼‍♀️