Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ainu to go no contact with fil

39 replies

meorthem · 21/01/2020 09:59

I've had to name change because if my family use this they will put all of my posting together and know it's 100% me posting
I have a bad relationship with my husbands dad he is so unhelpful and so unkind to my husband and there is a protracted history with money that they have taken. If you know me from my writing style please don't connect things up. In the most recent disagreement over finances I have felt totally overwhelmed and I just feel I need no contact with his dad. I am huge into family. I get on fine with his mum as I can. Last night I clumped what I could remember in about 90 seconds and text my husband this about his dad, I am very close to my husband. I feel that in general people let their family do things they wouldn't let others do.
I am going to change a couple of names in here so it's not clear where I am. But see this and tell me if you feel this is treatment enough to not have him in my life. My husband has addressed these things with his dad as they have cropped up but I've never said them all at one and it seems like a lot but is not everything. My Husband really does not get on with his dad. They live very close to us.

Ear plugs going to go back in so you don’t wake me when you come up. Makes it a bit easier for you also.
Sorry I’ve left you this evening. I know you’re stressed. We cope with things in different ways and I have to sleep atm as a bit run down but it will pass.
I don’t want you alone mulling on your thoughts. It makes me really sad. It’s been too much anguish. Your dad is really a very unhealthy input in our lives.. something needs to change. Stress is literally a killer and I can feel myself becoming ill each time your family is unreasonable. Ask yourself what you want as a result? Your feelings are vital but if anyone else was making me feel the way they are which is how your dad makes me feel... he has the most horrible impact in the world out of everyone... I don’t think you would be dealing with things like you are.. my stomach literally hurts and ulcers came up this afternoon all over my mouth..
You would be putting an instant stop to it. For five years your dad has repeatedly wrecked many intimate and emotional and private moments in our lives. He’s rocked our marriage so hard I don’t know how we are standing. He’s robbed me of breast feeding. I had to drive around 8 days after a c section because I had no help. He’s made me fear losing our home at 10 weeks pregnant. Hes Made me think I should go back to work whilst Your sil does nothing. He’s questioned my drug routine to make me think I should be in pain. He’s shouted at me and ignored me. He’s made me think I need to sleep on a sofa bed in a dark and smoke infested flat to rent my house to Finance him. He’s let your mother ask us 4 times to give us our home. He’s asked us to share our Money with him when I am pregnant so he can allegedly survive. He cornered me with his foul breath in my study demanding money i one did not have and two did not owe for your car whilst you criedi in despair on the sofa with flu. He’s held paper under my nose so close it touched my eye lashes telling me I need to do your paper work for the toll road. He has taken my dad away from you when he’s not your dads friend first but your own dad. He has no friends and sees my parents as his friends not your second parents. He has over ruled all family events with his ridiculous over intellectual and embarrassing conversation with my parents as your mother, making me and you look like fools. He has broken and dirtied our home leaving me to clean it. He sits in dead silence making me so uncomfortable I wish to cry. He is ok watching me work so hard by myself be suffering with sickness in hospital with exploded veins in my hands and vomit stuck in my hair whilst our child is at nursery in order to do work from a bed in hospital to get money from our own business to line his pocket with fictional debts he has accused us off rounding up. He was happy for my parents to spend thousands on full Time childcare robbing me of my early years with Our child that can never be taken back whilst you worked like a slave with strangers faeces on your hands unblocking toilets 100 miles away but allows your sibling to flounce around as his wife is "sick"
He has been nothing but unhelpful, un loving and cruel to me and you must think of how you would resolve it with anyone else other then your father
You would not stand for it..

OP posts:
Helini · 21/01/2020 10:11

Jesus Christ, op. I mean, you know you have a DH problem, don't you? He's facilitating his parents behaviour. Your parents seem supportive from your post - Get. The hell. Out.

meorthem · 21/01/2020 10:15

I don't have a problem with my husband
He is really fantastic and we are great friends
He is on his knees with them. We stopped them seeing the children in the summer. My husband works very hard and provides well for our family
His parents are unhinged and his dad lies an awful lot
He has had many many heated arguments with them they are just delusional and try to tell him he is insane doesnt see the world for how it is etc etc
His dad pretends to have limited finances and asks my husband for money and alleges money is owed the accountant showed there was none owed
We were going to take them to court and then we felt it would emotionally destroy us
My husband is my best friend and his dad treats him like dirt. He has had many rows, tries to make the peace with them. His mum always crys etc, I just think I'm not unreasonable at this stage to not involve myself at all with his father

OP posts:
antisupermum · 21/01/2020 10:26

Well you know you're not being unreasonable. I'm not sure I fully follow what your AIBU is. He sounds like an awful man and you say yourself that your husband knows it. So why would there be any question about how to proceed? Cut ties and move on with your lives.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/01/2020 10:29

We were going to take them to court and then we felt it would emotionally destroy us

He cannot destroy you any more than he is doing right now !
Take him to court .
The lies about money .
The emotional blackmail.

It is tragic that your relationship with your MIl will suffer but cut him right out , through the legal route .
Your business is your livelihood , not his pocket money .

Good job you've kept your DC away from this poisonous oaf now .
His behaviour will affect them otherwise
Flowers

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 21/01/2020 10:33

Is their involvement in a family business then, OP? Otherwise I cannot understand why an accountant would be involved?

How intertwined are arrangements?

meorthem · 21/01/2020 10:34

If I go nc the rest of the family will think I am heartless.
My husband needs to go NC too.
He only gets on with one brother. The other one is party to all of this bad behaviour and lies about money.

I will stop going on walks with them pretending it's ok
I will have to review with my husband tonight when he is home from work

Got lots to do... but putting that message together last night I did it quickly and it is frantic as you can see.. bringing just some of my own issues up with him the money aside... I didn't realise how many I had. I just feel repulsed by him but I didn't see how many separate occasions he has offended me and done me wrong. Putting it together has made me realise I have no choice

My family is going to come first for once. We are always pushed to the sideline. I'm supposed to be a sahm but I have had to work to give this man money we didn't even owe and he owes us money
I'm just beside myself

I didn't realise how many times he had done me personally wrong

OP posts:
Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 21/01/2020 10:34

*there

meorthem · 21/01/2020 10:38

Yes a family business my husband founded and they have syphoned money out of incl dividends and not given it to my husband
And then I have a business with my husband and the fil alleges he has no money and asks us to give him money from a business we own that has nothing to do with him
You couldn't make it up
Just doing a lot of chores not hiding from the thread

OP posts:
potter5 · 21/01/2020 10:38

Why don't you go NC with him? What hold does he have over you and your DH? Is he involved somehow with the business? Is it a family run business?

I don't understand why you would tolerate someone in your life like this.
Tell him to f**k off!.

meorthem · 21/01/2020 10:39

Because family is always given special rules
I'm sick of it
He can fuck off, you are right

OP posts:
potter5 · 21/01/2020 10:40

Sorry x post.

Definitely go NC. So what if the rest of the family think you are heartless. They obviously don't know how you and DH are being treated.

Don't let him have any more money either!

ConstanceSalinger · 21/01/2020 10:46

Your DH may be your best friend but are you prepared to leave him if he won't cut FIL out of your lives and stop giving him money?

meorthem · 21/01/2020 10:58

I don't need to leave my husband over it
Havent given any money to them since February last year

OP posts:
Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 21/01/2020 11:03

How can they have siphoned off dividends though? Are they shareholders/directors/involved in managing company finances?

MadamShazam · 21/01/2020 11:08

Absolutley NC. He sounds horrendous. Who cares if others think you are heartless? What matters more? Your wellbeing or their feelings? Tell him to fuck off and take the cunt to court. Do it today. Good luck OP Flowers

OhLook · 21/01/2020 11:15

I don't really understand what is happening, your post is very unclear. I think it would be easier for you to explain here what he's done instead of giving us your message to your DH. It definitely sounds like you should go NC but I don't really understand how any of these situations (which again, I don't fully understand) have come about?

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 21/01/2020 11:17

It’s up it husbands fault that you had no help after a c section, it is his responsibility to help you. You need to see your husbands part in letting his family treat you badly.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 21/01/2020 11:17

It’s your*

Jokie · 21/01/2020 11:30

OP:I recommend sitting down this afternoon with a pen and a piece of paper and get your thoughts in order and also what you're expecting from your DH. Keep it factual as there's obviously a large amount of emotion here.

meorthem · 21/01/2020 11:31

@Decidewhattobeandgobeit

My mum came and insured her on my car but she didn't want to drive it, she doesnt drive as she lives in a city
My husband had to go back to work as we run our own business and if he wasn't working then money would stop coming in which isn't an option, after my mum left after 5 days then my son was off for the one week off nursery of summer and my husband had to work. Normally a family who get on would help each other
He has done a lot to try and reconcile his family but I am saying I'm now fed up. I am a peace maker but done with his dad. He understands my position
His poor mum will be bereft

OP posts:
Howyiz · 21/01/2020 11:32

Your post isn't clear. How are they taking dividends if they are not involved in the company?
How is your fil getting into your house?
How did he insist that you go back to work and stop breast feeding?
I think you do need to go no contact with him. There seems to be a very unhealthy relationship but you need to out the boundaries in place. No more money, no more coming to your house. You can go no contact but you can't force your husband to but you can insist he agrees to the boundaries of no money and no access to your house.
As for him turning people against you? Who cares? Let them take his side see it as a win cutting out people who would prefer you to be under stress rather than call out his behaviour.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 11:33

Burn It all, burn all the bridges, scorched earth, take no prisoners, have no mercy
Job done 🙂

meorthem · 21/01/2020 11:33

His family treat me badly because of him.

I want his dad to not come over to my house which is rare
And I want my kids never at their house to play with him
The other issue is my son when he goes over the brother we hate comes over to see our kids?? I don't agree with that
I don't want my son getting involved so don't want to tell him

I think I'll just cut the dad out

My husband will support me no matter what

OP posts:
meorthem · 21/01/2020 11:37

The stress we had from them meant my supply dropped so much I couldn't feed my son
My husband is regularly in tears over his relationship with his dad
It's not easy to let go of family is it
Now he has sons too he can't see how his dad doesn't love him
There's two businesses
One my husband founded with his family
He owns a third. They take dividends and give to themselves not him. This is ileagle.
This is what we started to instruct solicitors on

Another business I started along time ago with husband. This is the one my husband asks us to give him money from because he says he has non but he has paid himself a fortune every month from the one he founded with my husband and pretended he had no money
The accounts show another story that he has been taking money out every month and does have money
He is honestly mad it's not me making it up

OP posts:
meorthem · 21/01/2020 11:38

Sorry I have a baby who's on my knee I need to give him attention

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.