To wish for a cure for OCD

[Tunnocks34]

Just ranting I guess. I’ve got OCD which presents as intrusive thoughts but also health anxiety focusing on my children.

Currently today I’ve had a panic attack after making a cup of tea because I imagined pouring the freshly boiled kettle on top of my 5 month olds head (please let me stress I would never, ever, ever do it - it’s just like I panic because I could do it?). My middle son has a cold, his second one in the last month so now I have spent 8 hours googling leukaemia symptoms in children. Someone asked me how I was today and I said ‘yeah I am thanks’ and I have spent two hours worrying about how much of a dick they think I am - to the point I considered messaging them to explain I should have said ‘I’m find thanks’ but logically I know not too.

I just can’t seem to enjoy my children. I’m constantly worrying they are dying. Or that I’m dying. Or imagining the various ways I could kill them if I ever wanted too. I’ve planned their funerals, planned my funeral.

AIBU to think that it’s just exhausting. Mental health issues are the worst.

Let me reiterate - I would never act on any intrusive thoughts. It’s just like something jumps into my head :

‘Oh my god, I could drive the car into this tree now and we’d all die, what if I did that? What if I did that and I lived, I’d have to kill myself? What if I did that and they lived, and they had to grow up knowing I tried to kill them? Why am I thinking this, what’s wrong with me? Am I mentally ill?’

I completely sympathise with you! I'm the same and currently on the waiting list for CBT

It's the intrusive thoughts that get to me the most - feels like they take up 99% of brain space.

Have you had any treatment?

It sounds incredibly stressful for you and you have my deepest sympathy. Have you been given a diagnosis of OCD as from your description it sounds like quite severe anxiety. If you haven't already then a trip to the GP to have a good chat may help along with a self referral for counselling which is normally advertised at the GP surgery. There is help out there for you and if you receive it then you will not feel like this forever. Big hugs

Definitely not unreasonable. OCD is soul destroying! You're doing amazingly to parent with the condition. I've not got kids yet and I'm not sure if I'd cope if I had them or not!

Are you accessing treatment? Medication? CBT?

I'd say make an appt with GP.
I have OCD. Mine is linked with numbers. I haven't touched this enough and if I don't what if something bad happens to my DC. It sounds crazy. I've always had OCD but since DC it has become a lot worse. I panic at the slightest mark on him, google it etc. It's terrifying. I've made appt with GP.
You're not alone.

Pugwash- OCD does involve severe anxiety, alongside disruptive intrusive thoughts (as described by the OP).

OCD can include Health-anxiety fears (with the obsession being for example 'my child might have leukaemia' and the compulsion being frantically researching the symptoms/googling and checking for symptoms).

OCD seems to share features with Post-natal Depression and can feel like a living nightmare so definitely involves a lot of anxiety/terror!

Yes I have been diagnosed with OCD and health anxiety, I was diagnosed in 2011, but I Can clearly remember having intrusive thoughts from the age of 5. I just feel since my third son was born in August I am slowly getting worse. I’ve been back to my GP who has put me on the waiting list for more CBT. I had this initially when diagnosed and it worked well.

I’m right there with you. I’m so angry at how much of my life OCD has taken. I just to play with my kids and enjoy them and some days I literally just can’t.

Have you had any treatment? I’ve had about a year and things are so much better. I can do things now I never thought possible.

It’s so awful though

I also worry seeing someone about it they will think I'm crazy and take DC from me and see me as a nut job 😭

I just hate it. Why can’t I be normal. Why when my son gets belly ache, can my first thought not be ‘oh maybe it’s a bug, see how he is in the morning’ why is it ‘I bet he has neuroblastoma’

Ocd has at times taken over my whole life......it is soul destroying!!!
I have been asked if I am suicidal-the irony being i spend my entire time trying to keep us all safe and alive.
That said last year i could see how people get to the point where they no longer wish to continue.
I have had 3 lots of cbt and i will go back again if i feel i need it.
At this moment in time its calm.......
I understand completely OP you are not alone.

I do too. I’m not in any way impacted but I sympathise massively. On occasion I’ve had an intrusive thought about hurting a child it’s made me cry. A lot. I can’t imagine it all the time.

Yanbu i also wish people would stop bandying the term OCD about as a joke like" oh im so OCD im always cleaning" or" I'm so OCD i can't stop organizing" i think alot of people genuinely think its some sort of cleaning related thing when in fact it presents itself in many forms and is hell to live with

Luca I know. The ironic thing is, when I am really spiralling with my OCD I become so scruffy. I find it so hard to brush my teeth let alone organise the bloody tin cupboard 😂.

I started taking Clomipramine twenty years ago. I had struggled with OCD from the age of eight. The right medication gave me a life where previously I had only the most miserable existence. The difference is incredible.

It is awful OP.

It might help to write down the OCD thought (e.g. DS might have cancer because he has a stomach ache) and then write down three alternative explanations (e.g. I have OCD and DS has a normal everyday tummy ache, it could be 1. a stomach bug, 2. just because he's hungry, 3. an anxiety-related tummy ache).

I've had OCD since about the age of 7 so similar to you. It's been very severe for much of my life and I even spent three months at a specialist anxiety disorders unit. I'm still hoping to get better though and currently having CBT again.

@LucaFritz

Absolutely. My heart sinks every time I hear it.

Bless you op im with you. I also have a diagnosis of OCD and health anxiety and general anxiety disorder. Its absolute hell to live with. I worry about my own health and my families as well as worrying about random stuff like the supernatural. We all know its not logical yet our brains make it so so logical and real. I havent had medication for it because ive read a lot of anecdotes and science papers saying ocd is basically untouchable right now. I watched a fantastic science documentary about 2 years ago and they explained the part of the brain that is affected by ocd is in the middle closer to the brain stem so drugs cannot penetrate that area. Theres a trial in germany where they are seeing if lobotomy in that area works. So far its unconclusive as its worked in some but not for all. For the ones it didnt work on they said their intrusive thoughts and rituals are the same. Hopefully in our lifetime (in our early lifetime) they will crack the case and find a simple cure.

This must be my third post... but as somebody who has suffered horrific pure- O OCD / intrusive thoughts for over half my life I had to post. It is such a draining, debilitating and lonely place to be. You are not alone, and you CAN learn to manage it .

This Reddit thread REALLY helped me to understand the OCD thought patterns and explained that what was keeping me trapped was reacting to the thought by seeking reassurance.

Make sure you click “read more” under the main post and read to the bottom. www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/3oy4k5/beat_ocd_top_tips_and_resources_repost/

I now sit with my intrusive thoughts and resist the temptation where possible to seek reassurance. I’d say I let at least 90% of my thoughts float past like clouds now. It is honestly life changing, and made for a much happier, healthier and lighter Christmas for me and my DP. I look forward to starting a family soon without fear of these (natural) thoughts.

Good luck OP and a big hug.

I had similar intrusive thoughts after first baby, but had no idea it was an illness. It did go away with time xx

Have you had CBT therapy? I had some years ago and still use some of the techniques now. There are some good books as well- I read one called ‘brain lock’ during the time I was having CBT and it really helped frame things and had a good 4 step technique for when intrusive thoughts and compulsions happened.

I have OCD and whilst I think it will always be there somewhere, it’s definitely a lot milder now then in the past when it utterly controlled me. Throwing myself into CBT and learning the techniques and being really determined really did help a lot and has changed me for good.

I can sympathise completely. I'm a checker. Doors windows. Plugs kids breathing and taps the main one.im up multiple times in the night and listening to everything. Thankfully mine increases and decreases due to external stress but you're doing a great job I promise

Whatdayisit2, that might have been a form of 'Postnatal Depression'- both OCD and PND involve intrusive thoughts. With PND they sometimes go away (not frequently but for some people) without treatment; with OCD they usually won't unless treated.

I have saved that link. I’ll definitely try it - can see I will physically vomit though with stress but if it gives me any relief I’ll take a whack! Seems logical to me.