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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people would end a relationship over this?

46 replies

Drowningmysorroes · 20/01/2020 21:21

Friend told me she had a huge row with partner and then got so angry that she picked up something to throw at him ... but instead punched a wall.

Then when I saw them 2 days after the incident all was fine?

Am I overreacting to think that’s not healthy?

OP posts:
DollyDoneMore · 20/01/2020 21:22

Extremely unhealthy. I’d be straight off.

cardibach · 20/01/2020 21:22

It’s not ideal, but unless it’s a pattern...

Gatehouse77 · 20/01/2020 21:25

Depends whether it’s a one off or turns out to be a pivotal moment - positive or negative - which won’t necessarily be immediately.

Ponoka7 · 20/01/2020 21:25

This is going to be a thread were the argument is going to be that a woman losing her temper isn't on the same scale as a man. Which I agree with.

Have you deliberately mixed up the sexes?

People lose their temper at times. It depends on the context etc.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2020 21:28

I don’t think people just leave over one incident like that.

It doesn’t mean it’s acceptable behaviour though.

MrsAJ27 · 20/01/2020 21:30

Definitely not healthy

Bluewater1 · 20/01/2020 21:30

Not healthy no. honestly I would consider seriously leaving if someone was going to throw something at me even if they "controlled themselves" and punched a wall instead...

slipperywhensparticus · 20/01/2020 21:32

Did she damage herself or the wall? Because if she did that's anger and rage right there if she didnt she is most likely frustrated and not at the point of doing harm

Either way she needs therapy

raspberryk · 20/01/2020 21:35

It's not good no, but I'm not one to talk as I smashed my ex's laptop once, also threw a printer at him on a seperate occasion. Let me tell you he's deserved that and more. Funnily enough I've never felt rage like it since.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 20/01/2020 21:37

I just asked dh if I was to do it, his response was we'd be having a very serious conversation about my anger and our future, but he wouldn't end the relationship.

Tbf I'd probably have the same reaction.

SetTheScene · 20/01/2020 21:37

Is it a one off or regular?

My DH punched a door about 3 months ago in an uncharacteristic rage.

He's always been laid back, easy going, not an ounce of violence in him. Normally the one to be calming other people down and the voice of reason.

But in this instance, we're having some issues with DSs bad behaviour and attitude, to an extent he's now being assessed for ADHD. After trying to handle DSs challenging behaviour calmly for several years, one day he just pushed and pushed and pushed DH over the edge. He shocked even himself.

He's never done it before so no, I wouldn't leave him.

OpheliaBalthasar · 20/01/2020 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiosity101 · 20/01/2020 21:39

It's certainly not healthy, but YABU to think you know enough/have enough details to make any conclusions or that most people would end a relationship over it.

If it was a pattern of behaviour then absolutely you'd hope people would part ways. But perhaps it was a one off... or perhaps it's something they will seek counselling / therapy over either as a single person or a couple? There are lots of scenarios where this ends happily in a stable relationship.

goldenorbspider · 20/01/2020 21:42

Red flag, they probably won't leave but should

busybarbara · 20/01/2020 21:45

Better to punch a wall than hurt a person. If shouting, punching something or posting angry posts on MN is someone’s way of decompressing rather than hurting someone, I think we should support that.

Ohyesiam · 20/01/2020 21:48

Personally I thrive on harmony? This would be way to much drama for me. Not some people seem to want slamming doors and things said in the heat of the moment, so they can make up and let the cycle begin again.

Sounds exhausting.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/01/2020 21:49

would need to know a lot more details.

Tunnocks34 · 20/01/2020 21:50

If my husband were to do it now, for the first time, then no I wouldn’t leave him. I’d certainly be having conversations about it but I wouldn’t leave.

Definitely not a healthy relationship

HotPenguin · 20/01/2020 21:54

I don't understand punching walls, this must be a thing for people with plasterboard walls. My walls are totally solid and you would break the bones of your hand if you punched them.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 20/01/2020 22:07

My boyfriend at the time got so cross with me he punched a wall as I left the room. I went back in, asked had he punched it, yes but it really hurt, well you won't do that again will you? No. And he never has 20 years later BUT it made me almost call it off at the time and if he had repeated that, or raised more red flags I would have walked.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/01/2020 22:11

I don't think I'd immediately leave the relationship. I'd seriously consider it and they'd have to do something about their anger.

Winebottle · 20/01/2020 22:13

In the 10 years we have been together, we have punched one wall each. These things don't necessarily escalate. We both learned from those incidents and now fight in a healthier way. If you communicate effectively, there is no reason for anyone to get that angry.

recycledbottle · 20/01/2020 22:15

Before we moved to this house, every place we lived had a covered up hole in the wall. When I lived with my friend her bf put a hole through the wall. I moved out. I grew up in a violent house so would absolutely leave if my partner did this. It seems to be a common occurance though.

Mandarinfish · 20/01/2020 22:17

My mum once threw a plate at my dad. This was years ago and they've been very happily married for over 50 years, so I do believe a relationship can move past this sort of thing (if it's a one off).

MoaningMinniee · 20/01/2020 22:18

Um... Am I the only person who is thinking that she punched a wall because she knew it wasn't right to punch him shows that she's not a fruitloop - and that if they've sorted out whatever the problem was between them and seem happy again means that they might actually be sorted out and happy again?