To think most people would end a relationship over this?

[Drowningmysorroes]

Friend told me she had a huge row with partner and then got so angry that she picked up something to throw at him ... but instead punched a wall.

Then when I saw them 2 days after the incident all was fine?

Am I overreacting to think that’s not healthy?

I think it depends how many years they've been in a relationship. If I was with someone for a few months and he did that, I'd end it. If it was years, I'd try other options first. I threw a glass at my dp when we first moved in together, but haven't done it again in the subsequent 30 years.

Well your friend didn't actually attack her husband, she punched a wall instead. I daresay her fist was more injured than husband.

It happens, people have noisy rows sometimes and are totally frustrated but as long as no injury occurs and the rest of the time they are OK, nobody's business. Some couples go through this due to lack of listening, communication, when they are still young but learn to understand each other in time. If they never work it out they part but it can be sorted if there is enough love.

Honestly, she will only be telling you part of the story, and so many people on here will jump to conclusions. But sometimes punching a wall doesn’t lead to anything else, and it may have been an incredibly heated argument where she just felt rage.

@SetTheScene almost exactly the same thing happened in my house.

DH has never done anything similar before or since in 20 years.

No therapy needed.

I couldn't be with anyone that was unable to control their anger - it's absolutely pathetic, male or female.

I think it just depends on if it is a one off.

Fuck sake, five posts in and we’ve already got the ‘if this was a man’ post

I’ve voted YABU because I think most people wouldn’t leave because of this. Probably a lot should.

If my girlfriend (if I had one) picked up something and was clearly of a mind to throw it at me but somehow stopped herself and punched a wall instead, I'd conclude she had serious anger issues and I'd end the relationship.

Oh dear my DP punched a hole in the door once in exciment when his football team scored.

That behaviour isn’t healthy but that doesn’t necessarily mean the entire relationship is toxic and doomed.

Certainly it would be eye opening for both parties, indicative that something needs to drastically change regarding how the angrier party in that scenario deals with their emotions.

I threw something at my ex, once. He had just thrown it at me so got it back.

He was a wall puncher, too. He never punched me, but did throw a punch at his next partner's dc.

I don't think it's healthy behaviour or ideal, but so long as it isn't a regular thing and isn't the kitchen knife I wouldn't say relationship ending. I've chucked stuff at my husband in a rage and vice versa, maybe once or twice in 15 years, nothing that could hurt or do damage. It was when I was pregnant both times in my case. My husband has chucked a tissue or a dirty item of clothing (nothing hard) at me in a row too.

My mum threw a plate full of food (my dad's dinner) at my dad when they first got married, still here 45 years on, still happily married. They still laugh about it now.

Do women often punch walls?

Punching a wall is a threat of violence to come.

It's a biiiiiig red flag from my experience, but not an automatic deal-breaker. Lots of people freak out at some point. If it's an isolated incident then perhaps it's something to be learned from, and everyone moves on.

If it's part of a pattern of behaviour, then run for the hills!

But if it's a sign of distress and something can be learned then it's a different story.

I've occasionally thrown punches at inanimate objects. That time the ex-fridge received an indelible fist print for flinging an un-tethered yoghurt at me during a period when I was already stressed and depressed, for example. Or the time I hoofed an old-school telephone down the garden path when a BT engineer couldn't be bothered to turn up and spoiled an organised occasion.

On the other hand, I've never done and wouldn't do that sort of thing in the midst of an argument or as an expression of frustration towards someone in the room. That, to me, would be seem an unsaid threat. I've no intention of hurting or frightening (ha, I'm 5ft2" and wispy) anyone.

Oh ffs, everyone's different. If both of the people who are actually in the relationship are 'fine' with what happened, who are you to decide it's 'not healthy'?

moaningminniee I don’t agree with that line of thinking - it may have been better than punching DP, but punching a wall is still an act of violence, threatening behaviour and intimidation and therefore abusive.

It is healthy? Of course not, but context is needed ie was this a one off, or part of a pattern of behaviour? If the former, then no, I don’t think ‘most’ people would leave. Sadly, very few victims leave after the first or even 5th act of abuse for a myriad of reasons.

I don't think many women punch walls. I think women are more likely to self harm.

My DS always had behaviour issues stemming from anxiety. He attended an anger management course run by CAMHS aged 8.

We've taught him if he was really angry to take it out on inanimate objects. He would never ever hurt another person, but we've had some very destroyed bedroom furniture. I'd much rather that than he self harmed or hurt other people or damaged other people's property. He's also now very good at just walking away, often much to other people's bemusement as they don't realise his emotional state.

I genuinely believe after being on MN fir years some people just really don't feel anger like others and have no idea that some people really do feel extreme anger quite often.

That doesn't excuse punching walls of course, but I'm quite often surprised at posters lack of understanding regarding anger.

The woman in the OP didn't throw anything at her DH, she pulled herself together enough to take her emotions out in an inanimate object. We have no idea what she'd been provoked with leading up to this. Her DH does, which is probably why they've moved on from the incident.

I think it really depends. If it's done in anger and frustration at not being able to get your point across, it's one thing and if it's done to intimidate the other person, it's another. Neither is ideal, but the second is way worse.

As a one off, I'd stay (if it was the first scenario) but if it was a pattern - no way. The second, I'd leave. No one should stay with a partner who deliberately tries to scare or harm you.

I've thrown plates and shit in my time, but I would never do it now. I had a LOT of therapy and recognise that I was a twat.

It would be really out of character for either me or my husband to do something like this and if he did, I'd be really freaked out. No idea what I would do tbh.

My ex punched a punchbag so hard then pointed at him asking me I I wanted him to hit me amongst other things. I wanted to make it work but it wasn't a one off and I had kids to think of.

It's a hard one. It's not hwalthy though so YANBU.