To get pissed off that in laws are always so late when visiting (newborn)

[Napqueen1234]

Hello

Just need to rant. In laws (large family is MIL but also GPIL and various aunts cousins etc) have been visiting in the last week our new DC who’s 7 days old. Always ask in advance (all live around 40 mins away) and never turn up but they’re always SO late. This is fine sometimes but when they agree to come at 3pm but don’t turn up til half 4 it disrupts our dinner, chill out, bath and bed routine for our 2 year old DD which we are keen to keep as normal as possible while she’s going through this huge change. As such visitors leave at 6pm leaving a tantrumming toddler and two tired parents coping with that and a newborn.

I have asked DH to speak to them and also sugggested a ‘come whenever but out by Xpm maybe 4:30?) to give us some family time in the evening. AIBU? My MIL works 9-5 and I understand she doesn’t want to take time off work but turning up in the evening and then later than planned by 45mins+ is driving this hormonal mess mad.

I get you. Totally. Just say no. Simple. It’s your life and your routine.

@Napqueen1234 - sympathy!
No advice, but hope you can settle with the ILs and have a great time with your growing family!

Say no. They need to fit in with your schedule, not their own. I would stop all visits if they can't come at a time that suits you.

Just refuse all visits for the time being.
If you get any complaints, say visitors were too disruptive.

I think some people forget just how hard it is in those early days. I've only got 1 but I can imagine a 2yo and newborn being incredibly difficult and can fully understand wanting to keep your routine as normal as possible.

If it's any consolation we had a similar experience with our first. Traumatic emergency section, quite a bit of blood loss and 9 days in hospital post birth. When we came home my family came to visit (they live about 1 hour away). They must have been with us for... 6 or more hours. Didn't change a single nappy, make a bottle or generally offer to do anything helpful but each feed time they were the first to ask to feed the little one... safe to say I had to impose ground rules much like you've suggested.

Definitely set some ground rules, and explain why. You'd hope they'll fully understand given they've been through it themselves.

Can you get them to do the 2yo’s bath and bed routine if they’re later? That’s always worked really well for us and my daughter loves getting all the attention while keeping her routine basically the same. That doesn’t solve the family time issue or the time keeping issue but it might help the frazzled parents and stroppy toddler ones.

If it's ongoing I'd just go out next time. If they say they are coming at 3pm but still haven't turned up by 4pm then I'd go out for a walk or to see a friend and when they call asking where you are just say "oh we assumed you weren't coming anymore so we decided to make the most of our afternoon rather than just sitting around the house".
My FIL and step MIL do this and it's so fucking disrespectful. Like their time is just so much more important than ours. We couldn't possibly have anything better to do than just wait around for them to turn up.

My in laws do this. Text asking if they can come to see DS (just 3) and DD (6m), and then turning up at 5.30 or 6pm. Neither kid copes well with being kept up, so it's always a pain.

You don't want visitors later than 4.30pm? Sorry but that's ridiculous. I always cracked on with dinner bath and bed if visitors were still there.

Honestly at that stage i ran my home like a hospital. Visiting is between x and y. Full stop.

@raspberryk good point, l would just crack on. I don’t see why them being late, should derail your whole evening

It's bound to tail off as they lose interest. But if they're 40 mins away and 40 mins late, they're late before they even set out. (Sounds like my family!) I'd say that you are shutting up shop at 4pm or whenever suits you.

@raspberryk did you miss the bit where she's said she's 7 Days post partum?
No visitors after 4.30pm sounds fine.

Op just tell them weekends only for a bit if mil doesn't finish work til 5pm. There is no need to visit everyday.. Unless they are helping

I think you are being a bit pre-kids about yourOk, they show up late, don’t stop doing what you are doing. They don’t control the baby.

Sorry, posted too soon - was going to say don’t be ‘pre-baby’ about your hosting. They do not get attention from you. They are not guests who need to be cared for.

How can your MIL come and leave by 4.30 if she works until 5?

You don't want visitors later than 4.30pm? Sorry but that's ridiculous.

What's ridiculous is turning up an hour and a half late when visiting a pp woman, newborn and toddler. It's ignorant, disrespectful and hugely disruptive.

I'd make the impact clear in future invitations op, they're being beyond ridiculous by showing up so late. Say "you can visit 3-4 as we're out for a walk at 4/doing baths at 4/health visitor is coming at 4/another visitor is coming" or whatever... If they turn up at 4.30 just don't answer, and text them at 4pm saying you're assuming the visit is off so will catch them another time.

If you put up with this nonsense at 7 days pp, you're in for a lifetime of never pulling people up on, frankly, childish and problematic behaviour i.e. they don't care about the impact on you at all.

Why is she tantrumming when they leave? What time do you normally bath her? 6pm isn't that late really. I would suggest weekends if it's disrupting you that much, either that or get them to do bath time, my kids love it if their GP are here at bath time

@Sweak no i didn't miss that part.

I was never so routine driven as this, so can't understand it, to be honest. It seems terribly rigid and uptight. They have to leave by 4.30pm, really? To me, it's ridiculous.

How is MIL supposed to visit and be gone by 4.30 if she works till 5?

Totally understand where you are coming from. Just be firm and put your foot down. I agree 4.30 is late in the day tbh especially with very small children & I wouldn’t have wanted visitors at that time. You are right to keep the routine going for your toddler & why should that change for people who cannot be bothered to turn up at the right time. Stick to your guns. Do they help out at all?

In this scenario, it sounds like both sides are fairly reasonable and a polite negotiation is possible.

Next time they ask to come, say that sounds lovely but we find that DD/DS is very unsettled if we have visitors after about 4:30. Do you mind leaving by then, so that we can keep things calm for the baby.

If you say that every time it should sink in.

I don't think it's fair for posters to automatically label the in-laws as rude and disrespectful people. Time and punctuality are quite subjective across different families and cultures. It may not be 'common sense' to them to stick to a rigid, Greenwich mean time approach when doing things with family. But if you explain kindly that it's important to you then they should respect that.

Tell them arriving at half past 4 interferes with your routine too much and they can't continue to do it. Can you visit them so you can arrive and leave when you want to? My FIL used to turn up at half past 8 to see my kids. Dd was 4 and Ds only a few weels/months, it drove me mad. The second time he done it I told him it was far to late and not to do it again. Of course he did, Dh let him in, I carried on with my routine and got both Dc ready for bed the minute he walked in the door and took them through to their room. I didn't even let him hold Ds. It caused a massive argument between me and Dh but I made my point because he never turned up that late again.

Of course YANBU! You’ve just had a baby! Have who you want visiting when you want and if it’s not convenient for you they’re not coming. End of. DH needs to work on his communication skills to his parents. Hope you’re getting some rest in all this, look after yourself