My partner doesn't believe my illness is real.

[coffeeoclock]

Boyfriend and I are both early 20's, been together 3 years and lived together for 2.

I've been diagnosed (after a long battle for a year of going back and forth to the GP for tests!) with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). I've had the diagnosis for a year now and lately my health has been declining and I've really been struggling to get out of bed everyday before 5pm. If I get woken early or I try to get up early (as I've done many times) I will get very dizzy, have vertigo and be on the brink of collapse. My partner believes that part as he can see how white I go and that I need to lay down but he doesn't seem to believe that CFS is a chronic illness. He tells me to change my lifestyle and diet and that I just need a 'purpose' so I can snap out of it.

Fair enough regarding living a healthy lifestyle- I already do! I'm a slim size 8, pescatarian, drink loads of water and my blood-work always comes back incredibly positive and healthy.

It bothers me how he never has a sympathy. He seems to think I don't try or I don't want to get better. I've explained that I don't want to spend my life in bed exhausted unable to do anything but he doesn't think I try hard enough.

I can't work at the moment and claim benefits because of it and he hates that too. I do the majority of housework as he brings in most of the income even if I feel awful!

I've taken him to the GP with me and had the GP explain it to him but he doesn't trust doctors and thinks that you can heal your body with your mind and that doctors just want to keep us ill etc.

What can I do?

Carer not career. Damn auto text.

Trust your gut, if you feel like something isn't right it probably isn't, if you feel that you aren't being treated properly you probably aren't.

If there's a disconnect between how someone portrays them-self or how you think of someone, and how they actually treat you, make you feel, what they do or don't do for you etc. then there probably is and the latter is much firmer to judge then the former.

He's being dismissive of you and what is happening to you. This will carry over to other things. Ultimately, he won't be a good long-term partner.

If he really believes all that stuff about healing your body with your mind, to be honest he's a bit of a twat.

As you no doubt are very well aware, CFSis not something that goes away overnight. Do you really want to put up with this bollocks for months or even years?

I'd say this relationship isn't going anywhere.

Talking bluntly but in my early 20s I would not have had the patience or commitment to stay with someone who was unable to take part in activities I wanted to do or contribute financially to the relationship. If I was the parent of a 20 year old I wouldn't want to see them being in the position of being a carer when they should be out having fun. 3 years is really not a very long relationship to be able to withstand these difficulties.

Previous posters are saying for you to dump him. If you won't do that then I actually think he should dump you.

He shouldn't be a carer at this age. I don't think this relationship is right for either of you right now.

he doesn't trust doctors and thinks that you can heal your body with your mind and that doctors just want to keep us ill

Oh dear he's one of THOSE.

You're not going to change him. If you're not prepared to end the relationship, then your only alternative is to ignore him and carry on as you are.

My dsis has cf and as a teen / young adult it was quite hard to deal with the impact on joint plans etc.

You can dump him OP. Your illness is serious and you need support which he is unwilling to give.

OP, I really think you need to consider what future you have with someone who thinks you are either lazy, demotivated or deluded - which he must presumably thinks you are, if he doesn't believe CFS has the effects it does.

It is hard being in a relationship with someone with a chronic illness. My DH became very unwell with CFS shortly after our DS was born, and it changed all of our lives. It requires me to be prepared to take on much more of the load at times, possibly for the rest of our lives. But, and it's a big but, although it has very real challenges I knew my DH for years before he was ill, and I know he'd never, ever have chosen to be too weak or dizzy to be able to hold his own son, or to be too ill to see his family. It was awful seeing someone go from healthy and youthful to being struck down and bed bound.

You deserve to be with someone who is at the very least understanding, and you shouldn't be investing your precious energy trying to convince someone who is supposed to have your back that your symptoms are real.

Seriously (been there, done that), dump him now. It'll save you a load of heartache in the future.

He will blame you and accuse you of pretending, of being responsible for your symptoms, of having Munchausen's, of drug seeking, sympathy seeking, doing it for the benefits, of being lazy, that you like being a victim, that you're mental, you're abusing and controlling him, everything - and will most likely dump you himself by the time you're 28 on the grounds that you're an old woman.

Don't waste your limited energy on him. He's draining what little you have already.

Oh, and if by some miracle, somebody discovers a cure, he will stop you from having it on the grounds that doctors/Big Pharma are doing it for money and it isn't really doing anything. And if you get better, he'll take it as proof that there was nothing wrong with you in the first place.

At any rate, that's what my ex believes and did with my diagnosed and treatable autoimmune disease. He told me he'd leave me if I let Them give me medication. He left once he'd found himself a teenaged girlfriend on the side, I started treatment, I improved. He's still convinced that I was faking it and the only reason I'm working is nothing to do with the various treatments I have or have had, but because the benefits people caught me out and I miraculously cured myself once I 'had' to get off my arse and earn a living.

TL;DR He believes you are an abusive, lazy cunt. But hasn't found anybody better yet, which is why he's still there. Soon as he does, he'll be off, so you might as well rip the plaster off and get rid of the prick before that point.

The OP and her bf are in their early 20s. The OP says she has never worked.

Would anyone really be happy that their dc had a girl/boyfriend with this health condition? Would anyone have wanted to be with a bf this ill when they themselves were this age? No travel or fun, other half in bed till 5pm, all the weight of earning and caring on your shoulders?

We were in our early 20s when I was diagnosed. My partner used to make a nest on the front.room floor, make me a flask of soup, help me to the loo, into my nest, check there was nothing I wanted, turn the telly on, hand me the remote control and then go to work.

In the evening he'd help me to the loo, bath or shower, change clothes, prop me up an the sofa, feed me and check there was nothing I needed.

On the day's I had energy he'd bring me home as soon as I said I was flagging.

He did that for 2 years... Supported me as I got more able to cope and still now, 30 years later, listens when I tell him I am too tired.

You won't make the gains you are capable off without similar support. Think long and hard about this. He will end up blocking whatever recovery you are capable of, or will make you worse.

Best of luck

Op, As soon as I saw your title I knew it was going to be chronic fatigue syndrome. I had this when it was disparagingly called "yuppie flu". Yes that was a long time ago but I will never forget the utter exhaustion after the smallest activity - think to vacuum an average size room takes five sit downs to 'recover and can take two hours. I well remember how I could never sit at the dining table for the whole meal. Try as I did I just had to lie down. This complaint is far more accepted these days but it obviously hasn't reached your partner. Mine was pre Internet days but now you have the information to educate him. This you can do from bed which is where you will need, not want to spend most of your time. Please work on it. It is the most horrible condition without having people thinking you are swinging the lead. I did finally Improve but it was years not Months so it is vital you have your partners support.

Some people are not particularly sympathetic to illness whatever it is. You can’t force them to be. Young men in their 20s are not known to be the most patient sympathetic souls. If he doesn’t want to understand there’s nothing you can do about it.

Other than get away from him obviously.

I'm going to disagree with many posters. ME is a vague diagnosis. It classifies the symptoms but not the cause. Depression and anxiety can be a cause or exacerbate the illness. ME can also go away. Sometimes for short periods, sometimes permanently. What all experts agree on is that for many sufferers, ga program of gradual exercise helps. Just lying in bed after a diagnosis until 5pm suggests to me that your mood may well be contributing to your fatigue. I say this, not to be unkind, but because I have suffered from fatigue myself. Gentle yoga can be helpful. And, you need to try and find something to distract you or increase your happiness. Otherwise you're going to waste your life festering. It doesn't have to be a life sentence and it an improve.

He doesn't have to care for me- the disability benefits I get cover more than my share of living expenses so he doesn't have to be sole provider (I would never like to depend on someone financially if I could help it!)

Like I said- I do all the housework, he comes back from work and it's spotless, the evenings are the best time for me where I have a good 3/4hours so often we will go out in the evening- it's not a completely depressing life for him.

I do improve considerably as well in the summer we have found (I think it's the link of more sunlight helping the depression that comes along with the CFS) so we do go on holiday which is admittedly exhausting but always much needed as we still need to live.

I’m not sure this is specific to CFS tbh I think he could be equally sympathetic to a more serious physical illness like MS or a mental illness.

if he thinks you can heal diseases with your mind, he is very, very stupid. Why do you want to be with a boyfriend, who is very, very stupid? Have some self-respect!

OP I can guess why you don't want to leave him, but you need to look after yourself. That means ditching him. You need to look into other ways to access support and help for yourself instead of him. Eventually it sounds like he's going to leave anyway and you need to do all you can to ensure your future.

irma my friends daughter who died from ME was married and had never worked. She was 24 when she died. His family treated her appallingly for wasting their sons "best years". BUT he was very supportive and devastated when she died.

I also NEVER ask him to do anything for me by the way- I will struggle to do things myself if it's really bad but I will take my time. I am fully independent, I just want some sympathy or support. I take care of him when he's ill! The most he's done is bring me a glass of water when I faint 😂

I can see why you don't want to think about leaving him, but as a minimum you need a serious conversation with him about growing up, both in terms of his attitude to benefits and the realities of illness and medical science.

The relationship should end for both of your sakes.

I am in a relationship where one person is chronically ill. Occasionally we get snappy with each other as it is hard work from both sides, but fundamentally we love each other and know it can work despite all the pressures and stresses that being ill can bring with it and there are days when it becomes very overwhelming for both parties -especially once children are involved.

But if there is a lack of support or understanding then your relationship won't last long term.

Equally you should consider your position - what do you want from the relationship? You need support - don't stay just because he is financially supportive. The differences will cause resentment in the end.

I'm going to disagree with many posters. ME is a vague diagnosis. It classifies the symptoms but not the cause. Depression and anxiety can be a cause or exacerbate the illness. ME can also go away.

ME is not a diagnosis at all, it was re-named CFS. Depression and anxiety do not cause CFS.

CFS is not a particularly vague diagnosis - the criteria are clear - although it usually diagnosed when other conditions have been ruled out.

Saying he believes doctors want to keep people ill is as logic as we're all controlled by the lizard people poisoning the water, you do realise?