My partner doesn't believe my illness is real.

[coffeeoclock]

Boyfriend and I are both early 20's, been together 3 years and lived together for 2.

I've been diagnosed (after a long battle for a year of going back and forth to the GP for tests!) with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). I've had the diagnosis for a year now and lately my health has been declining and I've really been struggling to get out of bed everyday before 5pm. If I get woken early or I try to get up early (as I've done many times) I will get very dizzy, have vertigo and be on the brink of collapse. My partner believes that part as he can see how white I go and that I need to lay down but he doesn't seem to believe that CFS is a chronic illness. He tells me to change my lifestyle and diet and that I just need a 'purpose' so I can snap out of it.

Fair enough regarding living a healthy lifestyle- I already do! I'm a slim size 8, pescatarian, drink loads of water and my blood-work always comes back incredibly positive and healthy.

It bothers me how he never has a sympathy. He seems to think I don't try or I don't want to get better. I've explained that I don't want to spend my life in bed exhausted unable to do anything but he doesn't think I try hard enough.

I can't work at the moment and claim benefits because of it and he hates that too. I do the majority of housework as he brings in most of the income even if I feel awful!

I've taken him to the GP with me and had the GP explain it to him but he doesn't trust doctors and thinks that you can heal your body with your mind and that doctors just want to keep us ill etc.

What can I do?

Why can't you dump him over this?!

Don't have children with him. It makes it all much worse.

I wouldn't have thought having children would be possible, if the OP is that exhausted all the time?

Only you know what he’s like. I personally think he may well be trying to distance himself from you - being with someone who has such a serious illness they can’t get up before 5pm when you’re only in your twenties must be incredibly difficult. I personally wouldn’t be able to imagine my kids or DN committing to someone with such a life impacting long term illness while so young. So I can see it from his point of view if he were trying to distance himself from you though of course it isn’t your fault.

To those saying “there is no cure,” a PP said her bother had it and is now fine

So don’t give up hope!

thinks that you can heal your body with your mind

What a dickhead. I have MS, holes in my brain, if I could fix it with my mind I would have done it years ago.

Dump this idiot.

There is no specific cure. For most people it eventually gets better with time. CBT and pacing can help manage feeling rubbish all the time.

Get rid of him.
DP has chronic fatigue syndrome and whilst right now he has a 40hr week job, whilst doing a btec and an NVQ, and a better social life than me, whilst looking after our toddler too I have made peace with it not always being this way.
If he has to not work because he's sick, then fine. Be with someone that is prepared to help you, not pretend your illness isn't real.

Just to add, we are also early 20's. Life is too short to be with an idiot!

Of course you can dump him over this.

And you should.

You will spend your life defending yourself to him if you don't. What an awful way to live.

[He] thinks that you can heal your body with your mind and that doctors just want to keep us ill etc.

That does not bode well, especially as your GP has tried to explain things.

To cover a few points- No I wasn't working before but I was at uni getting my degree.

Not planning on kids any time soon and if he was an antivaxxer (he's not) I would still vaccinate the kids as health is #1 priority of course.

I don't lie in bed till 5pm- I'm sleeping till then and you can't wake me usually as it's so deep (sorry should have clarified this!). Even after I wake I can't do much as I'm so tired (right now I'm on the sofa watching Tv wishing I was in bed lol).

What time are you getting to bed?

You have my sympathies as for years I suffered a chronic illness (multiple chemical sensitivity) which my then boyfriend appeared unable to understand. We did love each other but the r'ship broke down predominantly because of this issue. You can try exposing him to some well-written and well-evidenced books on the subject but if he can't or won't learn, you are on a losing wicket. So I agree with those who say dump him before he dumps you. Which he will.

Postscript to my own story. I did eventually recover by putting a lot of hard work and attention into my health, though there was an element of good fortune too so I won't pretend that my way would work for everyone or for all conditions. My current partner and DH-to-be totally understands my former disease condition and pretty much most other disease conditions too--he is a scientist who's also very open-minded. And no way would he act like a prat if (God forbid) I ever fell ill again. He is too mature and too compassionate. The moral of the story is, for you: You can and should do better for yourself than this man.

I've literally been in your position OP except I was late 20s. I didn't dump him but things just got worse and worse all over the fact he didn't believe in ME In the end he dumped me.

And do you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me. The stress was aggravating my symptoms and once I'd moved out I started to recover. 10 years on I'm fine 90% of the time.

If you can't work things out LTB

You can dump him and you should.

It's not complicated at all - you are saying that simply because you don't want to face up to the fact that your relationship is not going to work.

You are ill and your boyfriend doesn't believe that you are. How on earth is that a recipe for long term success?

Find your backbone and standards and dump him. He sounds like an arsehole.

he doesn't trust doctors and thinks that you can heal your body with your mind and that doctors just want to keep us ill

So people that die from cancer - how does he explain that?

Is he earning £550,000 a week? Why doesn't he just work harder and think himself a professional footballer?

You can dump him because the way he makes a sandwich annoys you. You can definitely dump him for being a stupid idiot that thinks you are lying. Because that's what it boils down to - he thinks you are lying.

Ditch the loser

I know there's varying degrees of this illness but perhaps he doesn't understand how you can do the majority of the housework 'even if you feel awful'.

Add to that...

"I don't lie in bed till 5pm- I'm sleeping till then and you can't wake me usually as it's so deep (sorry should have clarified this!). Even after I wake I can't do much as I'm so tired (right now I'm on the sofa watching Tv wishing I was in bed lol)."

And it is difficult to understand.

Could you give him some literature to read up on?

He’s trying to say your illness is down to you, you are choosing not to get better. I doubt he really believes this but it probably helps him to lie to himself, so he feels less nasty when he dumps you.

Well is he helping, no!
He thinks you need to change something, change him.

I'm sorry to hear this. My friend has had CFS for many years and her family are so supportive thank goodness. I'm afraid if he's lost patience already its unlikely he'll become understanding. It's also taken me years to fully understand what it must be like thinking she just needs to build up her exercise regime, The good news is finally she's turning a corner. But i understand there's been huge amounts of research in the past few years so hopefully you can recover . My husband would probably be like your boyfriend if i'm honest.

Seriously, dump him.

You want us to post some magical way for you to convince him that your illness is real. There isn’t one. He’s a twat and he’s not going to change, however beautifully you structure your argument.

I have lupus and APS which leaves me KO by 7PM on some evenings if my body is trying to break down a clot or my meds have been not playing ball. My OH would never treat me like this. Yes, he becomes frustrated at times as I'm asleep before our DSD when it's in flare up and he becomes basically my career but he sees how poorly I am and how much fighting to stay awake makes me worse. I still manage to work full time albeit I'm fortunate my company allows dynamic/remote working so it's from home and if I'm having a bad day I literally work from my bed.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation around what he wants out of this relationship, where he sees it going forward and where has his view came from. If it's turned onto you and no support offered by way of understanding you, leave. You may love him but from your post it seems he doesn't love the version of you with ME. You deserve better.

I have it as well. It’s really hard when people don’t believe you. You’re not doing yourself any favours being with someone, who doesn’t believe you. There is a psychological element to every illness and if you’re getting the wrong messages from your partner, you are going to struggle to recover as you are also having to fight against him.

LTB