To insist DH steps up to the plate with kid emotional labour?

[GreenGoffee]

DS last night had an emotional meltdown about his homework. The task was to write about your role model. It set him into a tailspin about how he has no role models and basically feels like an alien in his own skin and is hating the whole prospect of growing up.

I told him he was overthinking it and should write about his Dad - who is a very role-model worthy individual, as well as being basically a scaled up carbon copy on DS physically and emotionally. DS said that that would not be true, and anyway he couldn't write about his Dad because he doesn't actually know enough about him.

I hustled quite hard that his Dad was a very natural choice, and also a good person to connect to if he is feeling wobbly. Printed out a sheet of questions even that I'd googled up to make it easy for him to start.

I took him upstairs where DH was bathing DD (but actually gaming while keeping an ear out on the splashing) - dropped off DS with him, saying that DS needs to chat to him for homework, and making faces behind DS head to flag that DS was in a delicate emotional state. It might be a good point to say that DS is autistic - and probably DH too. Because I twice got "Goffee, your face looks funny, why are you gesturing" - so ended up leaving them to it & taking over DD - since I couldn't say anything more direct without embarrassing DS.

When I closed the door, DH was giving very short answers to all the questions. (Who was the most important person in your life? Dunno. What's been the happiest moment in your life? Dunno). DS reappeared ten minutes later still looking downbeat, saying that he had asked all the questions and still had no essay material. (And seriously - DH is an impressive individual - albeit kind of self-deprecating - and a constant presence in the kids lives).

Apparently I wasn't very kind in telling DH it was a lame effort.

I do know he's been a bit struggly - and we had 'plans' last night, which got derailed by the kids taking more time than usual to settle, but AIBU to have called it out as a weak effort?

For context, our older teen daughter has had a hard time last few years - and DH has been the biggest flag waver for "What she needs is a strong parental bond - just take her out more & talk to her more". I'm the SAHP - so a lot of the emotional about naturally falls to me - which I accept - and I run myself ragged trying to keep an ear to the ground with the kids emotional well-being (esp DD1 - who reserves 100% of the shit and drama for me).

I appreciate DH was bounced into the convo with DS without any warning - but that's how kids emotional collapses go IME - and he was both available and the right parent to take the conversation forward with DS. I wouldn't normally flare up as much as I did - but I'm pissed at the idea that I do the kid emotional labour as a default - regardless of how available or suitable I am for the particular task.

DS got up early this morning and wrote an essay on Nelson Fucking Mandela. Who is an upstanding historical figure - but DS literally knew zero about him before he opened the Wikipedia article. I'm worried for my son if that is genuinely the best fit for the description of someone he feels he can model on as he grows up. It feels like a missed opportunity and I'm still pissed and unrepentant about calling it out sharply.

I think the biggest lesson that your son needs to learn is that he needs to do assignments like this sooner and you might have to feed him the answer by watching a documentary or something.

I think it's clear your DS should have interviewed you and written you up as his rôle model, OP. You are so switched on and thoughtful and directed and enabled him beautifully all the way to your DH, the man who wants more involvement but never when it's actually needed NOW.

I'm completely serious. He should have written about you. You sound outstanding!

I think you misinterpreted the homework task OP. Anyway, more fundamentally, you’ve conflated two things - your son’s struggles with understanding where he fits in in the world, and the lack of support (because let’s face it, that’s what we’re talking about) that you feel you and your children are getting from your H.

@Fairyliz The son has autism- both my children do too, and this type of homework has them in tears because it's something they really struggle to relate to, and neither will consider lying to their teachers! It's unlikely the son's tears were to get out of his homework.

OP, this incident is obviously the tip of the iceberg in terms of the load on your shoulders. I'm sorry I've no practical advice other than keep on keeping on!
The emotional set-up between DH and DD1 doesn't sound like a healthy relationship- you're cast as the enemy.

Statistically - boys without real role models do much worse. It's about having a strong sense of their own identity before they're subjected to the full force of peer and media pressure

I might have missed it but how old is your son? I think role models become important when children become teenagers as their attention naturally turns to social media and the wider world for their influences, but not really at primary age. It clearly sounds like the task didn’t mesh with your son and trying to square peg his dad as a role model didn’t really work. I guess the thing about role models is that we chose them for ourselves, other role can’t tell us who we model ourselves on.

It might have been worth talking to your DS about what makes him feel so disconnected and maybe help him think critically about whether the idea of inspirational figures or role models fit with everyone.

He’s 12.

Sorry - I think others asked that - that’s relevant.

i get why you suggested your DH - not only the fact that it might have been good for them both, but on a Sunday evening when you need to get homework done sometimes going for the quick answer is right. I don't know why everyone is giving you a hard time about that.

your DS is 12? you can send him to school with homework not done - he's old enough to connect the consequences to his lack of effort. Or he could have written an essay on why it's a stupid assignment? (probably still get detention though)

Sometimes kids that age just need to be told to suck it up and do it.

Maybe ater his homework is handed in (you could do it now), ask DS which combinations of traits he likes from different people. Are there fictional characters he likes, or authors? Is it interesting how some authors can seem like unpleasant people but write wonderful characters? Is it interesting how people are often not all ‘good’ or ‘bad’? It would be interesting to hear from him why he felt he can’t connect with people. Perhaps if you discuss this with DH beforehand, he can have bring to the discussion some things he has thought about?

I think as he had become so sure he didn’t have a role model I would have probably encouraged him to consider that and write about it and then if needed send a note in to explain to the teacher. To decide he has no role model probably takes a lot more thought about role models than picking someone because you told him too.

I do think you are being rather unfair on your DH on this one and I don’t get why the need for secret signals, surely you could have explained to him that your son was upset?

The truth is a blank sheet of paper, and that would get me a detention

This sounds like something out of Dawson's Creek! Do kids talk like this now?

@highonpotandused DS does talk like this! One reason he doesnt always connect with his peers!

For my own DS I might have suggested chuggaconroy, highly respected let's-play artist with a gazillion 12 year old boy followers on youtube. "I have autism" is round about 40 on the "hundred facts about chuggaconroy" list (and surely one of the least suprising nuggets of personal information ever) And my DS would probably have thrown the idea back im my face because that's not a "proper" role model.

I think your own DS aced it. He chose (or was given) a good role model, found out about him, and identified qualities that he would like for himself. I don't mean to be rude but no child over 6 ever chose his own father!

it's just a bit sad to Wiki-search up a 'role model'.

Er - this is homework on a deadline. It's not a good idea to get too emotionally invested or expect profound insights. Not DS, not you, not his father.

The emotional closeness stuff is a separate issue and I agree it's something that needs to be addressed. But this was never going to be the right place to address it. This just had to be got out of the way.

@haba - thank you

DS does talk like this! One reason he doesnt always connect with his peers!

Well he sounds like he will he a great writer one day! Tell him to hang in there!

I think your DS sounds great, your DH, on the other hand, sounds like a dead loss. Another one not impressed with him gaming while supposedly supervising a child in the bath.

Update : against a field of footballers and pop stars, ‘Nelson Mandela’ came home with a distinction for being a very thoughtful piece of writing.

Way to go DS for snatching distinction from the jaws of detention!

Impressed that handed in, teacher marked, and returned to student - all in one school day!

If you honestly suspect that you’re husband is autistic then dropping that kind of conversation into his lap with no warm up is NEVER going to get the outcome you want. It doesn’t matter that kids’ emotional collapses come with no warning; you knew about it because your son had already come to you so you could have forewarned your husband by going up first and talking it through otherwise you’re setting up both your husband and son to fail and how does that achieve anything that you want or need for either of them?

You’re not unreasonable for wanting what you want.

Your methods patently are unreasonable if your beliefs about your husband being autistic are correct.

You haven't given any real examples of how your DH doesn't take on the emotional load so can't advise but trust that is the case and you should discuss with DH. The example you gave read to me as you really pushing for your DS to say his DF is his role model and your DS not agreeing so instead picked Nelson Mandela. You wanted your DH to join in when pushing your DS to pick him but he didn't pick up the cues and you were pissed off. But it has all worked out well because your son did his own thing. He should continue to trust his own instinct.

OP I think where you went wrong was expecting your DH to handle this as an emotional situation instead of a dumb homework assignment without filling him in. In the future if you need to pass him to take over a situation leave the kid where he is. A simple “ok DS you stay here and try to think of a few more questions, I’ll go get dad”.

I don’t think you’re wrong at all to want DH to do his share of emotional parenting, but he would have needed to know the breakdown had happened to treat it as more than what it appeared to be.

I feel very sorry for your husband

Mine has Asperger's syndrome

He would have been totally overwhelmed by suddenly being landed in that scenario.

I also think that putting so much effort into persuading a son with autism (who is likely to have very literal thought processes) that his father is his role model, when he has clearly said that he isn't, is very unreasonable

Please consider that forcing an interaction like this is not likely to help

It’s tricky isn’t it? There’s the immediate issue at hand (the homework and your DS’ emotional breakdown) and the wider issue (your DH leaving the emotional side of parenting to you). The two are linked obviously but perhaps trying to use the first to address the latter with no warning was what caused the problems.

That said, I don’t know much about ASD so apologies if this is a symptom of the condition, but putting no effort into answering your DS’ questions (just responding with ‘dunno’) seems totally lazy and contemptuous to me.

but putting no effort into answering your DS’ questions (just responding with ‘dunno’) seems totally lazy and contemptuous to me.

Er no. For (some) people with an ASC those questions might have been unanswerable, or at least not without a lot of warning and mental preparation. Very personal questions, questions that are not strictly factual, are quite likely to get "dunno" (or even a meltdown if pushed too hard)

Who was the most important person in your life? Dunno. What's been the happiest moment in your life? Dunno

I couldn't answer those questions myself on the spot, and certainly not to a stressed anxious child who just wants the right answers for his homework. I'd probably have tried to make up something to say for the sake of the homework but it would not have been a useful exercise in intimacy.

Being asked "what's the happiest moment in your life" is a bugger of a question if you're literal minded or not very prone to emotional introspection anyway. OK, it translates to "think of some suitable very happy event(s) or occupation(s) or situation(s) in your life" but to someone who is literal-minded being required to select the "happiest" moment may be impossible. And someone with poor emotional memory may not be able to remember any happy times at all without outside help to link the word to the feeling and to recall some occasions.

Anyway OP I am so glad your DS pulled it out of the hat! He's a star.