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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my in laws had a bit of empathy?

60 replies

Justanotherusernamer · 20/01/2020 11:37

I'm sick of the veiled comments like "won't you miss DC going back full-time? Wouldn't it be better to go part time like I did" (or whatever variant it is today)

Problem is that I'd desperately love to go part time because I'll be out of the house way, way longer than doing a 9-5 job , it's going to be exhausting and upsetting that I'll barely see DC 5 out of 7 days!! (combination of presenteeism and genuinely heavy workload in the sector where you don't just "clock off" on a shift like my FIL did as a Postal worker 10min away at the local sorting office)

I just wish there was a bit of empathy, we're working to pay basic living costs (mortgage on a bog standard not London 200k house needs us both to work FT)... Not pin money! In laws have a massive 4 bed family home with a garden that we could never earn enough in a working lifetime to buy... It doesn't matter how hard we work, we can't ever earn enough to get a 600k asset that they've benefitted from inflation on, buying it late 60s.

I wish they understood it's not anything to do with how thick or smart or hard working or lazy we are, it just isn't possible for me to "choose" to stop working like she did for a bit,or go part time.

I feel judged but what other options?? And pointing it out feels like rubbing salt into an already sore wound.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 20/01/2020 11:41

Have you said straight out, yes I’ll miss them, no, I can’t afford to work part time like you did. I don’t have a choice, the world is not set up the way it was for you, so please stop going on about it, it’s upsetting and makes me feel sad.

It’s upsetting you because it’s voicing how you actually feel, so tell them how you feel. They might think they’re being ‘supportive’ in suggesting you do things differently.

Cryingoverspilttea · 20/01/2020 11:41

Not sure how you're struggling paying a £200k mortgage with two presumably well paying jobs (yours sounds like it should be!) Confused we managed half that fine on a £18k a year single income and our repayments were £620 a month (fucking NRAM).

Is your mortgage deal awful? Your repayments should only be around £900 a month, surely?

Selfsettling3 · 20/01/2020 11:44

Tell them.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2020 11:48

Tell them and get your DH to be firm about it.

demelza82 · 20/01/2020 11:49

I don't think YABU in any way. These generational gaps between baby boomers and my generation are a huge bugbear of mine, despite the fact that pointing this is much maligned. I have in laws who have seen all their children struggle to buy property etc despite having good jobs and constantly gloat about their own good fortune in what they have and bragging about it in comparison to what we have. It's so hard to rise above above it, whether it's ignorance or arrogance but I literally don't know what else to do

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2020 11:54

ODFO with your 'Generational', 'Boomers' crap.

It's a personality thing, not a generational thing.

Skysblue · 20/01/2020 11:55

What @Ninkanink said. Next time it comes up, tell them briefly how you feel in blunt terms (people with no empathy only understand blunt talk). That generation don’t understand the reality of what happened to the property market.

Original poster
Justanotherusernamer · 20/01/2020 11:56

Our mortgage payments are just over a grand. It's a fixed one (we know we're paying slightly more for the repayment certainty)

1 car because the hours/location of work in a non city rural setting make it completely unviable otherwise (during summer I cycle a bit, during winter we car share and DH drops me on the way - we're going to have to figure out childcare logistics into that before I can go back too because I can't get from work to childcare for pick up on bicycle reliably without walking out at 4... At least 2hrs before my team leaves on a normal day! And that doesn't work in winter when the unlit roads and weather make cycling the route too dangerous).

OP posts:
BeyondMyWits · 20/01/2020 11:56

Tell them.

Tell them that you would love to go back part time.
Tell them that you need 2 full wages to just be able to pay the mortgage.

Tell them that you'd love to have a £600k house that you only had to pay £20k for - or whatever - tell them that your mortgage repayments are 10 times what theirs were - how would they have coped doing that on one wage.

They have no empathy because things were SO different when they did them that they have absolutely NO idea what you are going through.
They may even offer help.

However... don't do that if you also have a new car, go on long haul holidays and upgrade to new phones every time you feel like it. (people have less empathy then)

SarahAndQuack · 20/01/2020 11:59

That would piss me off too.

My in-laws are like this. MIL really does not understand why either of us works, and she thinks my job must be a con because I don't have fixed hours where I clock on and clock off, nor a stated hourly rate in my contract for overtime. Therefore, if I work outside what she considers to be 'normal' hours it is clearly that I don't care about DD.

DP went back to work when DD was tiny, because she had to, and I nearly lamped MIL for all the 'oh but won't you miss her, I couldn't do it' comments.

It's not generational, though. My parents have plenty of faults but they get it. So do a lot of people I know who're that age.

peachgreen · 20/01/2020 12:03

Listen, I have absolutely NO problem with mums going back full time if that's the best thing for their family and they want to, but from what you say it sounds like you don't want to. So I mean this with kindness when I ask if you've really sat down and done the numbers. DH and I aren't particularly high earners and our mortgage is around that, but we manage with me working part time. Given how long your hours are it seems like you should be earning enough for it to be possible for one of to cut down for a few years? Or would going part time just not be possible in your sectors? Businesses have to have a pretty good reason to turn you down.

If it helps, going back after mat leave cured me of my presenteeism and I haven't found it a problem at all - people pay a lot less attention than you'd think!

Aridane · 20/01/2020 12:12

Very much agree with the first poster

Have you said straight out, yes I’ll miss them, no, I can’t afford to work part time like you did. I don’t have a choice, the world is not set up the way it was for you, so please stop going on about it, it’s upsetting and makes me feel sad.

It’s upsetting you because it’s voicing how you actually feel, so tell them how you feel. They might think they’re being ‘supportive’ in suggesting you do things differently.

karencantobe · 20/01/2020 12:15

Anyone who could afford to buy a 4-bedroom house with a garden in the 60's was well-off then, whatever they tell you now.

Just be honest and say I would love to work part-time, but we can't afford it.

fedup21 · 20/01/2020 12:19

Have you actually said-‘I’m not sure if you understand but if we don’t both work full time, we can’t afford to pay the mortgage-which is over £1000 a month- and will lose our home’?

What would she say to that?

notanotherjigsawpiece · 20/01/2020 12:19

Can you call their bluff? “Actually MIL yes I do feel guilty DC will be in childcare for such long hours - would you consider helping us out with that?”

Or as others have said, call them out on it, tell them they are upsetting you.

I had to work long hours when my DS was younger, but it was necessary to pay the mortgage. Now he’s older, he tells me how proud he is that I managed all that as a single parent at the time.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 20/01/2020 12:20

Ha, they have no clue at all ! we have this with the in-laws, they actually encouraged Sil when she wanted to leave her job after having a child and now she is stuck in a marriage that she hates in a house that she can’t afford and it’s a nightmare.

If only houses were affordable on one salary, we would all feel so much richer

AiryFairyMum · 20/01/2020 12:21

I'd tell them. They probably don't realise, and they may offer some financial or practical help.

RedskyAtnight · 20/01/2020 12:24

Do they make these comments about DH as well?

BlueEyedGreeness · 20/01/2020 12:24

I've had this... oh I didn't work until my kids were at school both from MIL and mum. And I'm only working part time, it's exhausting but I just ignore them, I try not to let them wind me up. Thanks

managedmis · 20/01/2020 12:25

ODFO with your 'Generational', 'Boomers' crap.

It's a personality thing, not a generational thing.

^^

Yes, that's what it is. Personality.

managedmis · 20/01/2020 12:26

They really don't seem to want to hear it though...

notfromstepford · 20/01/2020 12:32

My mother was like this with me. I wanted to go back part time, but as the main wage earner, the numbers didn't stack up. She said to another family member she didn't know why I had a child to have nursery bring them up Monday to Friday. When she did say something to my face about how sad I must be going back to work I replied - yes I am, very much so, but we have to pay the mortgage somehow. If you'd like to pay my mortgage - I'll happily find a part time job. Would you like to do that?
I was met with silence and although I'm sure she still talks behind my back, she's never said anything to my face, not even when I managed to get my job changed to term time, which works perfectly for us.

You have to do what you have to do and until someone else is paying your bills for you, they have no right to comment on your choices.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/01/2020 12:33

Just be blunt.

"Yes, of course I'll miss them. But unfortunately we can't afford for me to work part-time as it won't cover our bills."

Then close it down and change topics. End of.

1forsorrow · 20/01/2020 12:40

They were well off to have a 4 bed nice house in the late 60s. I was saving every penny for a mortgage then and ended up in a 2 up 2 down run down terrace and I had to work but it was part-time. I was lucky as I got free childcare from my mother. We didn't have a car, central heating, double glazing or foreign holidays, life was a bloody struggle and when interest rates went up to 15% we had lodgers.