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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my in laws had a bit of empathy?

60 replies

Justanotherusernamer · 20/01/2020 11:37

I'm sick of the veiled comments like "won't you miss DC going back full-time? Wouldn't it be better to go part time like I did" (or whatever variant it is today)

Problem is that I'd desperately love to go part time because I'll be out of the house way, way longer than doing a 9-5 job , it's going to be exhausting and upsetting that I'll barely see DC 5 out of 7 days!! (combination of presenteeism and genuinely heavy workload in the sector where you don't just "clock off" on a shift like my FIL did as a Postal worker 10min away at the local sorting office)

I just wish there was a bit of empathy, we're working to pay basic living costs (mortgage on a bog standard not London 200k house needs us both to work FT)... Not pin money! In laws have a massive 4 bed family home with a garden that we could never earn enough in a working lifetime to buy... It doesn't matter how hard we work, we can't ever earn enough to get a 600k asset that they've benefitted from inflation on, buying it late 60s.

I wish they understood it's not anything to do with how thick or smart or hard working or lazy we are, it just isn't possible for me to "choose" to stop working like she did for a bit,or go part time.

I feel judged but what other options?? And pointing it out feels like rubbing salt into an already sore wound.

OP posts:

PattiPrice · 20/01/2020 12:41

OP I sympathise.

I reluctantly decided to give up work due to being unable to manage to work full time with small children, no family support and a DH who travels. I tried everything to get part time in my sector but was refused point blank. My MIL makes regular digs at me about not working despite the woman not having worked since before she had children!

There isn’t any point discussing things with somebody who has such a different point of view. It will just stress you and make you feel guilty.

1forsorrow · 20/01/2020 12:42

Oh and I have a 4 bed house now, savings and a pension but don't for a moment imagine it was always like that for most of us.

1forsorrow · 20/01/2020 12:43

I sympathise with you having to go back to work, it is horrible leaving them if you don't want to. I do childcare so my son and DIL benefit from that, I think it is really hard if you don't have family support.

iklboo · 20/01/2020 12:44

FIL loves to give money lectures. He can't understand why we can't 'just' buy a house. He cannot understand that most lenders today require around 10% deposit and we haven't got a spare £20-25k up my arse in the biscuit tin on the second shelf.

NoSquirrels · 20/01/2020 12:45

Yes, be honest. If they want to bring it up, tell them the reality. Why wouldn't you?

"Yes, MIL, I do often wish I didn't have to go back full-time. I think it's going to be exhausting and logistically challenging and it would be nice for the DC to have less time in childcare. But we can't pay the mortgage without me doing full-time - it's not like we live a life of luxury, we just can't make ends meet on a large mortgage without my wages."

And then be quiet. See what they say.

fedup21 · 20/01/2020 12:46

My MIL makes regular digs at me about not working despite the woman not having worked since before she had children!

What do they say when you point out the situation to them?

AlpineSnow · 20/01/2020 12:51

When she did say something to my face about how sad I must be going back to work I replied - yes I am, very much so, but we have to pay the mortgage somehow. If you'd like to pay my mortgage - I'll happily find a part time job. Would you like to do that?
Say this

formerbabe · 20/01/2020 12:57

I'd reply back that you'll be cutting back to part time hours or becoming a sahm once their son is able to provide enough financially.

thecatsthecats · 20/01/2020 12:58

ODFO with your 'Generational', 'Boomers' crap.

It's a personality thing, not a generational thing.

It's a combination of the two, surely?

Yes, there's the opinionated person who always has to be telling people what they should do and is a horribly insensitive poor conversationalist.

Then there's the person with no concept of generational differences.

These people are both.

Brokenlightfitting · 20/01/2020 13:18

Not sure how you're struggling paying a £200k mortgage with two presumably well paying jobs (yours sounds like it should be!) confused we managed half that fine on a £18k a year single income and our repayments were £620 a month (fucking NRAM).

Not on a repayment mortgage. That was part of the NRAM issue.

ginswinger · 20/01/2020 13:23

I don't think it's them you are annoyed with, it's your situation.

Christmaspug · 20/01/2020 13:24

I wasn’t able to go back to work as we didn’t have a school place for 2 of my dc with autism .so I’ve had to be a SAHM to home Ed them.
We moved to a cheaper area ,and cut our cloth accordingly,no nice holidays ,just camping ,no nice car ,it’s 19 years old ,no iPhone .
We manage on one wage ,because we don’t have a choice .
Sick of hearing from a friend ,who would love to not be able to work ,but she needs to pay for the school fees and the Second home aboard

Hercwasonaroll · 20/01/2020 13:27

Be honest. My inlaws tried that crap. I said I need to work full time as I earn the better wage. Your son is going part time. They haven't mentioned it since.

LaurieMarlow · 20/01/2020 13:30

What about ‘yes, isn’t it a shame your DS doesn’t earn more to enable me to do that?’

On the presentee-ism however - have you challenged that? What happens if you do your allotted hours and only go over when you absolutely have to to get the work done?

iklboo · 20/01/2020 13:37

@fedup21 - he just mutters about how easy it was for him. He's a class A dick though. He was beyond gobsmacked when he learned I earn more than DH. Apparently he thought I worked for 'pin money'.

DH has told him we're not discussing it anymore unless he wants to give us the money as a present.

milliefiori · 20/01/2020 13:38

tell them. They probably think they are being empathetic, encouraging you not to spread yourself too thinly. But they really won't understand the finances unless you explain them very clearly.
Say yes, you'd much prefer to go PT But the mortgage is X and bills are Y and income is Z so to keep out of debt, not just short term but over the course of the mortgage, you need to return full time. And if they express concern, ask if they'd give a hand at weekends, or have DGC once a week so the family bond is strong.

Juliette20 · 20/01/2020 13:38

If people commented negatively about my working when DDs were little I'd laugh and say "Yes but paying the mortgage and not going bankrupt is a good idea, I find."

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/01/2020 13:49

What @PattiPrice said. I was in similar situation.
In your case, Do they truly lack empathy?
Are they normally kind?
If so Perhaps you could explain to them as you have to us? Also perhaps your DH could put a word in since it shouldn't all fall on you to justify it!
Or are you in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't?
if its the latter I'd be wary of discussing these things with them in the first place as if you say you are hard up they will take that as their cue to start looking at your spending on things like car/holidays and making comment about it.
Also why not ask them if they'd like to make a constructive suggestion along with their criticism.. Are they actually offering to help you out sometimes in the holidays for example, or taking the DC out to the cinema occasionally? If not, why are they making so free with their opinions on the situation?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/01/2020 13:53

Sorry crossed post! Good for your DH!
If FIL is a class A D.. then it does seem pointless discussing things with him. Try not to let it get to you. Could you use transferable skills to find a different job that would allow you a bit more flexibility at first? There are various return to work associations and organisations which might give a bit of advice about your employment rights.. perhaps your firm may be able to make some temporary adjustments whilst you re establish yourself. Best of luck

LadyCordeliaVorkosigan · 20/01/2020 14:03

Some people will respond if given evidence; others will insist their view of the world is how it is, no matter what.
My parents used to be like this, thinking that if we can keep our house warm and eat out monthly and buy prepared food, we must be better off than when they were my age and houses froze in winter and a takeaway was an annual luxury. Even though mum didn't work.

Until I said that me and DH are in respectable middle-class jobs, comparable to my dad's then job, right?

So give there's two of us, we should be able to afford that 2-bed terrace I grew up in? Yes, Dad agrees, something like that, but you will want to live in That London...

A quick look on Zoopla proves that house was just sold for 400k (more than our tatty house in an unfashionable bit of London). Which would be 5x our joint income (as opposed to 3x dad's income in the 70s).

And while travelling across counties to a bank that has money to borrow is no longer a thing, nor are 3 to 5% deposits or pay rises that beat inflation. Dad's face when I told him I'd finally got a pay rise that got me back up to inflation!

DH also pointed out that I have the same medical conditions as my mum. If I buy ready-prepared meals and ingredients, I can work, unlike my mum.

Dad got the point and gives me cash for birthdays etc. Mum still thinks I should stay at home in a nice semi in Chiswick...

Besidesthepoint · 20/01/2020 14:03

Then there's the person with no concept of generational differences.

That's not just boomers though. Most boomers understand that we have to be careful with our finances because we bought a house. The millenials in our family think that we (gen x) have loads of money. I've explained plenty of times that when you spend all your money on getting a mortgage, it's gone and that means we can't afford doing the garden, going on holiday, new clothes, taking them out for dinners, buying them expensive gifts cheeky fuckers et cetera. If people don't get it, then they don't get it.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 20/01/2020 14:08

Yanbu op. A lot of parents think their own dc should do exactly what they did, and can’t fathom why they would do things another way. My parents both worked full time throughout my childhood and I’ve been a sahm for 12 years. I get comments from DM all the time because she just doesn’t get it.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2020 14:14

ODFO with your 'Generational', 'Boomers' crap.

It's a personality thing, not a generational thing

It's a combination of the two, surely?

No. I'm of that generation. My parents were very comfortable. I worked.
I help my DC and my DGC as much as I can.

'Generational' is a sweeping term and it absolutely doesn't apply to all of us. And I'm sick of seeing it on here.

nokidshere · 20/01/2020 14:18

You have a few options.

Tell them to shut up because they piss you off
Ignore, smile and nod
Have a proper conversation with them about the realities of today's living.

Your choice. You are giving them power over your feelings stop doing that.

And I agree it's not about age but about the type of people they are. Not one single member of my family or friends (I'm 58) would make comments like this to anyone else and the older members, all intelligent, empathetic, caring people are fully aware of the struggles of our younger generation.

KatharinaRosalie · 20/01/2020 14:19

What others said. What do you say? That nah, can't wait to get away from the little bugger fast enough? Just tell them.

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