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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by DP?

51 replies

Elkwood · 20/01/2020 00:17

I'm sorry for the subject matter but I need views on this, have NC. The Daily Mail and The Sun are scum by the way.

Trying to be concise - don't live with partner of 12 months, both mid-30s, found out I was pregnant on Thursday morning - contraceptive failure, totally unexpected and don't want to continue with it but still pretty shell-shocked. Told DP, also shocked but fully supportive and in agreement that termination best option (I don't want a debate on that here please). Called BPAS at lunchtime and arranged a call back from a nurse for 6.30pm. Called DP to keep him informed.

At 6.30 I had the call with the BPAS nurse, feeling pretty shitty, but then it gets to after 9pm and I've heard nothing from DP, radio silence. No 'how did it go?', no 'are you ok?'. At 9.30pm I called him and it turned out he had a few mates over and they were having a jolly old evening playing board games (he hadn't mentioned this previously at all).

For context he is usually in fairly constant WhatsApp contact - even on board game evenings - and was swearing up to the afternoon that he was there for me, wanted to support me, be there with me every step of the way blah blah. I wasn't expecting him to be here holding the phone for me but AIBU to feel hurt/disappointed/unsupported by the lack of even a cursory 'are you ok?' text message given the situation?

The Daily Mail and The Sun are still twats.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2020 00:21

YANBU to feel hurt.

The tabloids probably won’t be interested.

Sorry you’re having a tough time Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/01/2020 00:24

Yes shit of him. Thoughtless and hurtful.

Sorry OP, you’ve seen an unpleasant side of him. He wanted to forget it for a while, and that meant completely disregarding you. And he was happy to do that.

Lweji · 20/01/2020 00:36

How did you see the relationship progressing?

Are you not having this baby because it's not the right time, or is it because it would be with the wrong person?

BeanTownNancy · 20/01/2020 01:02

Yeah, I'd be seriously hurt and pretty annoyed. He should be taking some responsibility here too and not just leaving you to cope with it all alone.

Honeyroar · 20/01/2020 01:04

Yes he’s been pretty cold and thoughtless.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2020 01:05

I would be looking at him in a whole new light. The going has gotten tough and he has fucked off. This does not bode well for the future.

Cryingoverspilttea · 20/01/2020 01:27

He was relieved. Run.

HellonHeels · 20/01/2020 01:35

I would be hurt and upset by that Flowers

katy1213 · 20/01/2020 01:45

The DM journalist who gets the job of trawling Mumsnet probably agrees with you.
But this really isn't a very interesting story - even by the low standards of Mail Online.

Sadiee88 · 20/01/2020 02:34

Hmmm what a shit. You mean nothing to him, he’s relieved he didn’t have to deal with it.

pallisers · 20/01/2020 02:54

I would be looking at him in a whole new light. The going has gotten tough and he has fucked off. This does not bode well for the future.

This. I would judge him for this and think he didn't deserve a relationship with me. wouldn't mind if he was relieved at the possible end of the pregnancy - that is fair enough. not bothering his arse to reply to you in the middle of that decision - not nice.

CloudonLegs · 20/01/2020 03:13

I would be ending the pregnancy and the relationship in your position.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/01/2020 04:57

Well he's given a pretty clear insight into how he feels about you OP, and it's fairly obvious it's all more than he expected or wants. YADNBU to feel the way you do and this must be very hard but don't wait around on him after this. It says all you need to know really. He's in it for a good (and easy) time, not a long time.

Flowers
Member869894 · 20/01/2020 05:02

What worries me is that you even have to ask... Time to have a good look at this relationship I think. X

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 05:16

I agree - even just a 'I hope the call went ok x' if he didn't want a full blown conversation (which would still have been a dick move).
I'd recommend preparing yourself for the idea that this is how he'll be when you actually have the termination.

Journalists aren't interested in a story about a woman wanting an abortion, though.

thickwoollytights · 20/01/2020 06:52

I've found that ime (some) men do this. Difficult situation and they shut off and do anything not to think about it

I wouldn't want to date a man who couldn't step up and be there for me.

Original poster
Elkwood · 20/01/2020 10:34

Are you not having this baby because it's not the right time, or is it because it would be with the wrong person?

I just don't want children, I never have. I've always been very careful and this is the first time this has happened so I'm feeling pretty shocked and vulnerable.

Mentioning the DM was a just in case thing because frankly I'd rather not risk it, but it's not what I was asking about so don't really need it referenced more than once (or at all tbh). Thanks to everyone who answered my actual question, I appreciate it Flowers

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/01/2020 11:27

The question about the reasons for the abortion had to do with the state of the relationship, so it's related to the question.
It's at times like this that relationships are tested and the true self comes out.
This is how your "partner" is. TBH, he doesn't seem much of a partner if he's left you to your own devices on this one and offered no support.

Has he been in contact since?

Original poster
Elkwood · 20/01/2020 11:32

Sorry "Lweji I wasn't referring to you asking about the reasons in my post - that's absolutely fine and relevant - I just meant the newspaper thing.

He has been in contact since, he's extremely apologetic, knows he's in the wrong, will do anything to prove he's there for me etc. etc. but I just can't see him in the same way now Sad Words just seem cheap.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/01/2020 11:36

Because words are easy.
At least you can take some time to think over the relationship, as you aren't even living together. Does this seem like a one off, or does it fit into a pattern?

AllHeart1 · 20/01/2020 11:41

Playing devil’s advocate here, is it possible that he doesn’t feel the same about you having a termination as you do? Perhaps this has made him realise that maybe he does want children after all but he can’t do right because it’s your body and your choice so he stepped back for a night...?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 11:50

@Elkwood has he given you an acceptable explanation or has he just apologised?

Don't make any rash decisions right now. You're going through a really emotional time. Even if you know you don't want children a termination is still really hard mentally.

Original poster
Elkwood · 20/01/2020 11:58

I would say it's a one-off but tbh this is the first time we've really faced anything difficult together. Generally though he is kind, hence my confusion now.

Allheart I can only go on what he's said, but I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children and agrees that it's the right option.

GiveHerHell not really an explanation no, just lots of 'there's no excuse, I'm so sorry, please forgive me' etc.

I'll definitely not do anything hasty, you're right in that even though it's the right decision for me I still feel emotional about it, plus my hormones are all over the place which doesn't help. I'm just tired and sad, it is enough to deal with, plus trying to act normal at work etc. without this on top of it Sad

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 12:03

Oh bless youSad I hope you can get the termination done soon so you can at least try and get back to some kind of normality x

onanothertrain · 20/01/2020 12:12

You made the decision on your own to terminate. It is what you both want and neither of you want children, maybe he just doesn't see it as a big thing.