To feel hurt by DP?

[Elkwood]

I'm sorry for the subject matter but I need views on this, have NC. The Daily Mail and The Sun are scum by the way.

Trying to be concise - don't live with partner of 12 months, both mid-30s, found out I was pregnant on Thursday morning - contraceptive failure, totally unexpected and don't want to continue with it but still pretty shell-shocked. Told DP, also shocked but fully supportive and in agreement that termination best option (I don't want a debate on that here please). Called BPAS at lunchtime and arranged a call back from a nurse for 6.30pm. Called DP to keep him informed.

At 6.30 I had the call with the BPAS nurse, feeling pretty shitty, but then it gets to after 9pm and I've heard nothing from DP, radio silence. No 'how did it go?', no 'are you ok?'. At 9.30pm I called him and it turned out he had a few mates over and they were having a jolly old evening playing board games (he hadn't mentioned this previously at all).

For context he is usually in fairly constant WhatsApp contact - even on board game evenings - and was swearing up to the afternoon that he was there for me, wanted to support me, be there with me every step of the way blah blah. I wasn't expecting him to be here holding the phone for me but AIBU to feel hurt/disappointed/unsupported by the lack of even a cursory 'are you ok?' text message given the situation?

The Daily Mail and The Sun are still twats.

I'd be hurt but genuinely don't think this was malicious. Men don't think about this as they can't see themselves in a woman's shoes. The idea of the baby is precisely that to him, just an idea, he probably doesn't realise this is so big to you.
I'd have an open conversation with him.

I found myself in the same position as you three years ago, OP. I, too, just didn't want children and never did. Still don't. The man I was with was utterly useless too. Didn't come with me to any but the last appointment. He did text after them but there was no real support, just words, not actions.

Ended up having PTSD and not really managing to come to terms with the shock of what had happened until I finally sought help eighteen months later. Never in a million years did I think it would affect me so badly, because I was always so sure of my decision. I'm 99.99% better now, but I think a large part of that recovery stems from finishing things with the man I was with.

I'm not saying for a second that you will find it as difficult afterwards, but I am saying that you should try and find yourself some real support as soon as you can, whether that's a friend or family member, because your DP clearly isn't up to it. I was furiously angry with mine for months and months. The resentment grows and it doesn't work, just makes you increasingly unhappy.

It is a really awful situation to be in. The shock, panic and fear is awful.

he was relieved but he should have contacted you.

Not sure why you’ve brought the sun and the mail into it though

Not sure why you’ve brought the sun and the mail into it though

@alifelived It's so they don't use this post as a story in the paper, which they often do (very lazy journalism!), they can't quote the OP if they're slagging their own paper off.

GiveHerHell thank you. Unfortunately I'm also in NI which adds a whole other layer of complexity, but I have it sorted now.

BlueEyed You could be right, I will have to talk to him, thank you. It's just mustering up the emotional energy to do it right now.

Napkintime thank you for posting, what you've said has really resonated with me. I'm sorry you were in the same situation, and I'm sorry it was so difficult for you. I'm glad you're so much better now. It is an awful situation, and one that I've always been so careful to avoid, I'm still in shock and angry with myself for slipping up. I have lovely family and friends but I just don't know if I can tell any of them about this. I don't want anyone to know but it's a big burden to carry alone.

No problem at all, @Elkwood.

I really do strongly urge you to confide in someone. You might find the aftermath a lot harder to deal with than you thought. As someone who never wanted children, the strength of the hormones afterwards was overwhelming. I wasn't prepared for it at all. I hope that that's not the case for you, but you don't want to be unsupported if it is.

I probably shouldn't add this, but just to say that if you did want to change your mind, there's no shame in that. I think I was so adamant that I didn't want children and had been for so many years, and so in shock about it all, that I refused to allow myself to consider any options other than that I was having an abortion. I think I'm okay with that now, but I think refusing to process what was happening at the time caused a lot of the despair afterwards.

If you want to DM me about anything, feel free

Not sure why you’ve brought the sun and the mail into it though

As far as I'm concerned, you can never have enough reminders that the S*n and the Fail are a bunch of twats.

OP, I've been in your situation - was 27 and simply did not want children. I found out in a McDonalds toilet one afternoon and was booked in at Marie Stopes the next morning.

What I want to tell you is that there's no shame in being absolutely certain that you do not want to continue with this pregnancy. You will likely read, many times, that abortion is 'the hardest decision a woman has to make'. This simply isn't true. Some women, yes. But not all. I know this wasn't your question but I ended up feeling very guilty that I didn't feel any guilt IYKWIM. I would hate for you to feel like this too.

As for DP, now I know NAMALT etc. but I think he's just been a typical bloke here, just got caught up with his mates. Yes, it's hurtful but if this was an isolated incident of thoughtlessness then I'd be inclined to simply make sure he knew how hurt I was then let it go. Of course, that is much easier said than done.

I notice you are in NI, if you are coming to Liverpool then do feel free to DM me if you need a hand hold. Wishing you all the best.

It's shit of him. I had a situation the same. On the pill. Kept taking it, never had a break. Found out I was pregnant when I started being sick at work in the mornings.

Decided to terminate and my partner of 5 years let me go to all the appointments alone and then when I came home after the last appointment when the termination was going to happen at home that evening, announced he was off to band rehearsal as he couldn't miss it. Left me at home all evening on my own 🤷🏼‍♀️ my dog bless him sat with me all evening instead

He doesn't have your back, OP. He might be a nice boyfriend when things are going well, but he's not someone you can trust when things are going badly. There's no need to rush but you might want to reconsider your relationship in the light of his response.

Thank you all. I genuinely appreciate everyone taking the time to comment - it's hard not being able to ask anyone in real life (although I have taken on board the advice to speak to someone).

I know that it's the right decision for me - that in itself isn't difficult at all. I know I don't want a child and that hasn't changed. It has been a huge shock though and I do feel sorry that I have to do this, even though it's what I want - it probably doesn't explain very well.

Vicious my experience echoes yours I think - I've also been wondering if I should feel differently, now that it has actually happened, but I just don't. I have felt a bit like I should feel guilty and find it a terrible choice, but although as I said I am sad that it has happened, I'm not struggling with the decision at all. He definitely knows how hurt and let down I feel and he is extremely apologetic, disgusted with himself etc. I don't know... I have a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you again for sharing your experience. I'm not being sent to Liverpool but again, thank you so much for the offer.

Chesney I also have a dog and tbh she's my absolute rock right now, I'd be lost without her. I'm glad you had that too.

Hollowtalk thanks - I certainly will be thinking everything through very carefully once all of this is done and I have the headspace again, and my hormones are somewhat back to normal.

Sorry if I missed anyone, I really appreciate all the input.

@Elkwood I've still got the dog - the partner thankfully got re-homed 😂

it turned out he had a few mates over and they were having a jolly old evening playing board games (he hadn't mentioned this previously at all).

...Whilst you were waiting to hearing about a termination. It shows how little he cares. What an utter childish test. This man will not care for you in adversity OP.

What I want to tell you is that there's no shame in being absolutely certain that you do not want to continue with this pregnancy. You will likely read, many times, that abortion is 'the hardest decision a woman has to make'. This simply isn't true. Some women, yes. But not all. I know this wasn't your question but I ended up feeling very guilty that I didn't feel any guilt IYKWIM.

This actually describes my experience much better than I could have. You read things about 'no woman has a termination lightly, it's the hardest decision she'll ever make', and I thought there must have been something wrong with me because it wasn't a hard decision, the decision itself was easy. I knew what I wanted to do, and didn't feel the slightest guilt. Then afterwards I felt guilty that I hadn't had the whole beating yourself up thing during it, so I started beating myself up afterwards for not having felt guilty or conflicted at the time. It is a minefield, and in no small part caused by societal pressure and expectations rather than not knowing your own mind.

Good luck OP. And I echo the sentiments of PPs - your DP is a fair-weather boyfriend.

Napkintime, you and ViciousJackdaw have described it perfectly for me. The termination itself isn't a difficult decision at all, and tbh the emotion/sadness I feel is linked to feeling guilty because I don't actually feel sad or guilty about it. I'm far from flippant about it though - I take having a child incredibly seriously, which is why I know that it's not something I want to just stumble into because it happened accidentally. To me, that isn't right or fair for me or the child so there's no doubt for me that it's the right course of action. I definitely still feel that expectation that I should be conflicted and full of angst about it though. It is a minefield as you say.

Hi OP

I'm sorry he let you down. Personally if it was me I think I'd give him another chance. It sounded, until he didnt call you, that he was fully engaged and supportive of your decision. Could it be that, given you are adamant that you have never wanted children, and reached a firm decision quickly, that he thought after you set the wheels in motion that you were ok with everything? It was just an update on a phone call he missed out on supporting you on, not the decision making or the actual appointment itself.

I am only saying this as I felt like you when I was pregnant, that my husband didn't support me as much as I wanted in various (in hindsight, small) ways. It was only afterwards I realised that because everything else in our relationship is equal, I was expecting pregnancy to be equal as well. But it can't ever be, because its not happening to him, and it's not like other difficult situations (eg at work or with family) where he could empathise and support me in the way he would have wanted to be supported, as it's so far out of his experience.

I'm not saying you're not right to be angry, and I am playing devils advocate to a certain extent, but I don't think I'd leave over lack of texts one stressful evening if the relationship was otherwise good and he genuinely seems to have understood where he has gone wrong

"this is the first time we've really faced anything difficult together."

That's always the test of a relationship and yours didn't pass, or rather he didn't.

He's your boyfriend, not partner and a shit one at that. Don't be fooled by what comes out of his mouth. Words are easy.

Words are indeed easy but I wouldn't throw him under a bus yet.

It's really great that you articulated clearly your disappointment to him.

I would judge him very carefully going forward because you have put him on notice.

Even the nicest men can be a bit dim and obtuse at times.

At the very least take any and all support now through this and take great care of yourself.

This can be a big decision for you but one you feel confident is right for you.

Beating yourself up will solve nothing.

I agree that you need to be able to speak frankly to someone.

I think it's crucial.

I would go with your gut regarding confiding in someone IRL that is close to you.

Don't complicate it further for yourself with the stress of second guessing whether they were infact the right person to speak to.

Seek someone independent to confide in that you will not feel you have to protect.

You are the one that needs support. Only you.

Wishing you the very best.💐

But it can't ever be, because its not happening to him, and it's not like other difficult situations (eg at work or with family) where he could empathise and support me in the way he would have wanted to be supported, as it's so far out of his experience.

But OP has no more experience of pregnancy or terminations than her boyfriend. She doesn't know what is happening either.

She will be worried about what the phone call would entail, what happens next, if she has to stay in the hospital, the scan, etc., and be shocked and frightened, and he's pissing about with his mates without even asking what the nurse said. That isnt a supportive partner. That's a man behaving like a boy who thinks his mother will sort his problem out.

It's easy to be lovely and kind and a good partner when you are just pootling through life and nothing really rocks the boat.

Stepping up when things are tough shouldn't be hard - it should be what you WANT to do, what your thoughts keep returning to, what you have at the back of your mind constantly. If you have to be reminded to care about someone, if you aren't thinking of them just because you love them, if you aren't trying to do something just to make them feel better, then you are probably never going to. I'm sorry that this has compounded a difficult time for you - his behaviour is thoughtless.

In a way I think it's a good thing he hasn't come out with a load of pathetic excuses.

If he owns up to being thoughtless and shows that he's sorry then I'd be more inclined to give him a chance.

Good luck OP

Thank you all, I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to post. My head is all over the place and it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're the one in the middle of it.

I've told him exactly how I feel and that I need some space to think. He is very, very sorry and is accepting total responsibility for being a thoughtless, selfish asshole (his words) but it was a lapse and not really who he is (his words). He's desperate for me to let him prove that it was a mistake and show me that he's better than that.

I still don't know... if, and at this point it's still very much if, I continue things after all this, then it will be one more strike and he's out. I accept that people make mistakes - christ knows I'm far from perfect - but I don't tolerate shit treatment in relationships. I'd rather be on my own and he knows that.

I just need to get through the next 10 days, get the termination done, and then deal with all this after that I think. It's taking all my emotional and physical energy to act normally at work and around friends and family when I feel exhausted, drained and/or nauseous most of the time. Thank god for my dog as I said before, she's the only thing keeping me sane just now!

I think that's a good call OP.
You will get a great sense over the next couple of weeks as to his sincerity in all of this.

2 strikes and he's out is wise.
Absolutely no point in wasting your time on someone who hasn't got your back.

I'm sure he gets it. If he doesn't, he's no loss and you have dodged a bullet.

Wishing you the best.
You will get through this. 💐💐💐

I’d be erring towards saying enough, but it’s totally down to you what you feel. In his mid 30s he ought to be able to work out that something like this is hugely important and needs support. You’d have to be completely idiotic to have a “blip” over this. You can’t be emotionally aware if you organise a night with the boys over it. And you kinda need someone emotionally supportive in your life.

I think the obvious way to know whether he's actually learnt from his mistake is whether or not he offers to accompany you to the appointment.

Following on from my previous post, perhaps the best way forward is to not ask for anything or prompt/remind him of anything and see what he does?