To think dd17 is going to raves?

[Hulahoophopper]

Since around October dd has been telling me that she’s going to sleepovers fairly regularly (around once every 3 weeks) and coming back the next morning very tired. I’ve always put this down to staying up with her friends but before this year she would not stay over at friends’ houses this often- she’d occasionally stay after a party or similar but she hasn’t had specific sleepovers in years. I was reading an article on whether there is a ‘rave renaissance’ occurring earlier this week and have not been able to shake the thought dd has been attending these events. She came back from one of these ‘sleepovers’ today and slept until around 3pm. What can I do short of tracking her?

Been for a run the things parents believe!

Lol, this reminds me of the clubs and semi-loyal parties I used to go to age 16/17. I would tell my mum that I was going to a "sleepover", and she would say, "fine, but I need you to help me with the shopping in the morning, meet me at the supermarket at half 8."

So, the next morning, I'd have to drag my sorry self to the supermarket where my mum would take great pleasure in ordering me around ("Fetch me tomatoes. No, those are the wrong kind. Take them back and swap them over."). So I had my fun, she got to reassure herself that I was alive the next morning... and she had the last laugh!

Is she not more likely to be going to clubs? My friends and I had a similar sudden interest in "sleepovers" at 16/17.

@ItalianinLondon That's brilliant

Absolutely nothing you can do to stop a teen taking drugs IME (as a drug taking teen many years ago)

Just harm reduction if you can have a sensible convo about it.

@Hulahoophopper no wonder she isn’t telling you anything! You are so bloody nosey and controlling! Don’t go snooping around her room. She’s 17: by that age I had moved out

Raves have always and will always be the drug culture, you have to be on something to listen to that type of music and dance all night.

Nope nope nope. Yes rave/ house music culture does come with people who take drugs (but so do house parties and nights out in town). I’ve been to raves, worked in clubs and lived in Ibiza, drugs are not compulsory or pushed in people who don’t want to take drugs. I could (maybe not now) dancd all night until daylight without drugs, just because you don’t like the music and need drugs to listen to it doesn’t mean we all do (im45 btw)

I don’t understand everyone saying that I shouldn’t care whether she is going to these raves. Would you like your children to be off their face in a grimy warehouse having taken god knows what?

I'd want my kid to feel comfortable coming to me. She obviously don't with you OP
like it or not, she may experiment, don't push her away more than you already are

You just have to arm her with as much knowledge as possible about drugs and safety. You can’t stop her doing anything. Although as someone upthread said - has she time travelled back to the late 80s early 90s?! The scenarios you’re imagining do t really happen now! Or maybe they do and we’re too old to know about them 😳

I've had a teenager sleepover and can assure you that half the fun is that very little sleep gets done. Lord knows why they call it a sleep over! Ds1 sleeps till lunchtime every sleep over or overnight party where he stays over, he goes to.

So it's the norm. Which makes me query why are you think it's a rave rather than just a normal sleepover?

She'd be sleeping a lot longer than that if she was at a rave all night.

Does her mouth look sore or jaw swollen? Are her pupils wide and skin dry? Does she struggle to sleep for a couple of days after?

Also it's not a rave renaissance.... they never stopped. You could check her bank account - large chunks of cash or transfers to mates could indicate drugs (40-60 ish).

My student DD is a raver, it’s not the drug culture nowadays oh love, I'm 24 and go to a few a year - it is very very drugs based still. Almost no one doesn't do drugs at raves, the entire place chews their faces off. The only ravers I know who don't do drugs are a pilot and a policeman - for obvious reasons. Your kid is doing drugs. Pfft alcohol

@mollybutton there are hundreds of raves (illegal and legal) up and down the UK every week. You stopped going to them but they didn't stop happening....

To whoever said raves don't happen this time of year - near me we have a problem with people renting houses on suburban streets, parking a truck of sound systems outside, and having a rave on Friday and Sat nights. Police eventually confiscate the sound system, then as soon as they're gone, the rave organisers get the next sound system out the truck...

If she is going to raves, please ask her not to go to ones in residential areas?

DH would ground her.

You can’t ground a 17 year old, or at least in Scotland you can’t I don’t think, they’re legally adults.

Getting home from a club at 9/10am if perfectly do-able. Back in my day (now I'm feeling old) when I used to go clubbing it was perfectly possible to go from one club to another - that opened/closed at different times i.e one club goes 11pm-4am, then next goes 4am-12pm, another starts at 12-6pm etc etc

The only thing I suggest you do it talk with her (without trying to second guess or judge her) about being out from a safety point of view, including the dangers of drugs etc. She's 17 - she will probably make a few mistakes but hopefully learn from them and if you're open and supportive she is more likely to be honest with you.

I don’t understand everyone saying that I shouldn’t care whether she is going to these raves. Would you like your children to be off their face in a grimy warehouse having taken god knows what?

That would be very hypocritical of me seeing as I did that.

Kids are going to try things if they're that way minded. That's why the approach I will use when my kids are that age is one of open communication and harm reduction.

I used to go to illegal raves (and legal ones). They were amazing! Best time of my life. You won't be able to stop her going even if you did have it confirmed that's what she's doing, do as others have said you need to talk to her about how to make good choices and stay safe.

Some people come out with absolute bollocks on here .
If it’s anyone else’s kid they’re like
“it’s fine ,I wouldn’t care . They clearly don’t feel loved which is why they don’t tell you” or some such waffle .
Bet if it was their own kids they wouldn’t be so blasé.
All you can do is ask her ,op and hope she’ll be truthful

God almighty.
There’s fuck all you can do.
It’s fun. Lots of people do it. And they grow out of it.

Both my DD 17 and DS 18 (who drives) are tracked....and have been for about 2 years - they are totally fine with it and both have the option to turn it off on their phones if they want to....they never do.
I use it mainly on weekends to see if they're home (quick look at 1am from bed if i wake up) and to see where DD is on train home from college so I can juggle a Lidl dash before pick up from station....it's not a big deal.
Luckily they are not into the rave scene though, but DS does occasionally travel to London/Brighton at weekends to clubs.

What do you mean by "tracking" peaches?

I have been to 'sober morning raves' in my old age. They are a thing. But it tends to attract an older crowd who've done the drug thing before and realised its not all its cracked up to be.. or compatible with a grown ups lifestyle.

Best one started at 6 am and went on til 10am, on a Wednesday morning, people would come have a dance and go to work.

Probably not the kind of rave the OPs DD would like though!

Clouds, that sounds like a modern, afternoon tea dance :-).