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Original poster

To think dd17 is going to raves?

75 replies

Hulahoophopper · 19/01/2020 21:10

Since around October dd has been telling me that she’s going to sleepovers fairly regularly (around once every 3 weeks) and coming back the next morning very tired. I’ve always put this down to staying up with her friends but before this year she would not stay over at friends’ houses this often- she’d occasionally stay after a party or similar but she hasn’t had specific sleepovers in years. I was reading an article on whether there is a ‘rave renaissance’ occurring earlier this week and have not been able to shake the thought dd has been attending these events. She came back from one of these ‘sleepovers’ today and slept until around 3pm. What can I do short of tracking her?

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 19/01/2020 21:54

Raves have always and will always be the drug culture, you have to be on something to listen to that type of music and dance all night.

Get leaflets and as much information as you can about the drugs they take at raves, obviously you don’t want your DD to take drugs but if she does then it’s best that she does it the safest way she can, there’s no point going mental at her about it.

BettysLeftTentacle · 19/01/2020 21:54

The connection with behaviour and going to raves is a bit of a leap. To be honest I’m not surprised she’d lie to you about her social life if you’re considering tracking her and snooping around her room. Sounds like you need some trust between and it needs to come from you first so that she knows how. It might stop you jumping to conclusions too.

TrainspottingWelsh · 19/01/2020 22:07

She's hardly going to be honest if you're the type of parent that thinks it's acceptable to go snooping around her room because she slept till 3. At 17 my only concern would be that they knew they could call me for a lift home/ help.

PPopsicle · 19/01/2020 22:10

Have you ever wondered that she is likely to lie to you because you act the way you do?

My mum was like you. I moved out at 17 to London, miles away from my tiny village, to escape her

DartmoorChef · 19/01/2020 22:10

She's 17. You can't keep her a prisoner or lay down rules. She's not behaving badly at home so let her carry on with her teenage years.

FrankiesKnuckle · 19/01/2020 22:15

Raves have always and will always be the drug culture, you have to be on something to listen to that type of music and dance all night.
*
*
Nope. Not true.
I know many, many people who have never taken drugs at them there raves or don't now.
Granted, it is intrinsically linked but y'know - House is a Feeling 😎
I go out regularly with a few of these people (day raves, I'm middle aged after all....)

pumpkinpie01 · 19/01/2020 22:22

Are you quite a strict parent op? The stricter you are the less likely your dc will tell you the truth for fear of your reaction.

yogo · 19/01/2020 22:25

Oh god to be 17 and heading off to a rave in a field.

Best days of my life, bar none.

I'd give my right arm for another one.

Just ask her OP, and let her know she can talk to you. Tell her if any of her friends her in even the slightest bit of trouble with drugs, to call an ambulance immediately.

fairynick · 19/01/2020 22:26

She’s just going out and getting pissed and that’s why she’s not eating much the next day and sleeping a lot, she’s rough.
And she’s obvs not telling you about because you’re a helicopter parent, back off OP.

Original poster
Hulahoophopper · 19/01/2020 22:29

I think I’ve made myself come across as very strict when this isn’t the case. Dd1 is naturally someone who doesn’t like to talk about anything that could be perceived as ‘grown up’ with adults (unlike Dd2 who talks to the point of over sharing).
I’ve always thought my ‘strictness level’ was fairly normal. I ask her where she’s going and an approximate time that she’ll be back and she’s free to head out. Have always made it clear that any boyfriends are welcome in the house (with the premise that any closed doors can be opened after a warning knock) but that hasn’t been used much apart from at 15 (don’t know whether this has been out of lack of boyfriends or embarrassment)

The reason I’m jumping to raving is because I know that a lot of the young people in our area are involved in the scene (from word of mouth) and know that these events are in abandoned warehouses- so not the legal, fruit shoot mixed with voddy, under 18s ‘rave’ nights which I would rather dd was not involved with (maybe that makes me a totalitarian parent- who knows)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hulahoophopper · 19/01/2020 22:30

fairynick it’s not going out and getting pissed because she’ll do that regularly and come home no issues

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 19/01/2020 22:31

Ask her and then track her phone ?

Gogolego · 19/01/2020 22:33

Please don't root around her bedroom. To answer your questions. It will end in disaster and possibly fruitless

Purpletigers · 19/01/2020 22:33

The drugs issue would worry me too .

MollyButton · 19/01/2020 22:34

Raves - nope. They are pretty much a thing of the past in my experience.

Now House Parties...quite probably. But she could even be exactly where she tells you, just the sleep over is a house party, then tracking wouldn't help.
Now talking to her and having conversations. Dropping pearls of wisdom (condoms, spiked drinks, a secret signal to text you and you will get her if she feels uncomfortable, etc.) could also help.
But you need to talk, and keep talking and keep listening.

Pjsandbaileys · 19/01/2020 22:38

Do you want to know so you can prevent her going or so you know where she is if it goes wrong? If it's the latter let her know she's almost an adult and it's for your own piece of mind you know where she is if something happens and she needs you. I was heavily into the race scene as a teen wasn't interested in the drug aspect at all a couple of cheap beers and dance all night. My mum always knew where I was on the rare occasion there was any reports of trouble my dad was often sent out to find me haha, no secrets nothing to hid or rebel against as a consequence I was pretty well behaved. My DD is 17 and always tells me what's going on I don't stop her I'd rather know and not like it than the alternative.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2020 22:39

Skeptical she’s going to actual raves if she’s getting home so early......
Sounds like normal clubbing hours to me.

Lunafortheloveogod · 19/01/2020 22:43

Does she tell you where she’s staying? Could you phone the house phone of that friend and ask if she moved your straightener/charger/something she uses.. that’s why my dm done, called n asked if I had used her xyz so I had to actually speak to her incase their dm was in on it.

She also checked my bags once I got home n fell asleep “getting washing” so she knew I hadn’t taken anything to go “out” in.

Really though just ask her? Tell her you don’t mind her going to legal gigs/raves but you’re concerned about illegal raves.

There’s a reason she’s more secretive, sometimes dp’s are stricter, or come off that way, to the first and let the younger siblings have more free reign.. simply because stuffs scarier the first time so we over react.

Original poster
Hulahoophopper · 19/01/2020 22:57

planderaccordement I haven’t said what time she gets home. Surely 9/10 in the morning aren’t normal clubbing hours?
I said she comes home 1-2 from house parties

OP posts:
HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 19/01/2020 23:02

So what if she is going to 'raves'? Didn't you go clubbing as a teenager or something similar, I did and I'm 70.

I love you Grin

user1473878824 · 19/01/2020 23:05

¯\(ツ)/¯

Inappropriatefemale · 19/01/2020 23:05

Freedom QFX...oh my I want to go to a rave in a field NOWGrin

Bluerussian · 19/01/2020 23:10

Can't say there were 'raves' in those days though but I did go to some insalubrious places. Something to look back on.

However I too would be concerned about drugs in the op's place but she really can't stop her daughter doing what she wants at 17.

Maybe the girl isn't going to raves, it's all speculation.

latheritup · 19/01/2020 23:11

Sounds like me a few years ago. She's raving!

Ohyesiam · 19/01/2020 23:14

I used to go to raves when I’ve was 16, on cycle shirts and a crop top and trainers, with my travel card tucked into my waistband. A couple of times I met my dad in the morning on the stairs and told him I’d been for a run. Then I’d get ready and go to school.
I’m now a very contented 55 year old with lovely kids, a career I’ve enjoyed and a great husband.
The raving didn’t do me any harm.

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