To think that in a long marriage you sometimes need a good row to trash a few things out !

[Lardlizard]

🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree but I think "rowing" takes lots of different forms. It's not necessarily screaming and shouting.

I'm always very sceptical of "perfect" relationships where people never argue. I know my marriage was at it's deadest (ok again now) when neither of us cared enough to argue.

Elder true

My husband never shouts, but we do row. I’ll usually say my piece and he will go quiet and mull it over for 3 days. He chews it over for 3 days and then comes with a conclusion. You can’t rush him, if you do he panics, clams up and tells you to F off.

It’s sooo frustrating. Fortunately we very rarely row.

Thrash

Discussion? Yes.
Shouting row? No.

I think sometimes it’s cathartic to air any grievances or issues which have been tip toed around or not openly discussed, but equally if it gets ugly and personal then it can be hard to take things back if any nerves are touched

We have been together for five years and never had a shouting type row. We do sometimes have tense discussions, but never raised voices. I grew up in an angry abusive home and get very upset when people shout. Sometimes if either of us is angry it does mean we take ten minutes apart to calm down, but no sulking either.

I know everyone is different, but I think in those type of angry arguments things are often said that are later regretted but can't be taken back

Who said shouting
You can still have a row without shouting

We've been married for 27 years - does that count as long? I think we have had about half a dozen arguments in that time and I can only remember 2 occasions when I have raised my voice, not sure DH ever has. He did write me a quite angry letter once though, and to be fair, made some good points. I made some changes as a result.
But as a general rule we try to talk about stuff before there is anything to thrash out. We have very similar views on most things and don't disagree very often. Well, not about serious stuff anyway, and we happily agree to disagree about trivia.

Why do you say that OP?

We rarely argue. I love my husband and don’t want to sour our time by arguing. If something needs’thrashed’ our we talk like adults.

You won't get anyone on mn to admit to rowing op it's always the same responses.

A row to me says, at the very least, raised voices and possible shouting.

Been together 34 years and have "raised voices" a few times but no full on shouty rows.

In our case, the longer the marriage goes on, the less and less disagreements there are

Squaky

Not sure you ‘need’ to row. Some couples seem (who knows the reality) not to.

My long-term dp and I definitely do row. We try to deal with things differently but it doesn’t always avoid heated rows. These are usually in times of stress/pressure.

One of the benefits of knowing someone well is that after a row (sometimes quite a bit after ) we can recognise why it happened - the bigger stuff underlying the ‘row topic’ and try to address that.

Should clarify I don’t at all see ‘row’ as including shouting necessarily. Our rows are very rarely shouty in fact can’t really remember last time either of us shouted during argument/row.

Our rows always end in stalemates as neither of us is ever wrong - so probably doesn’t clear much air in that respect! Grrr.

I would row but my DH is ultra calm so never raises his voice consequently we end up with me having a flounce and then a discussion.

We don’t argue. We are grown adults. We talk but to our defence, with the merest hint of dis-pleasure/appointment/satisfaction we say it. Nothing gets to settle it and fester.
We are also open to improvements based on each other’s suggestions and have common dreams which helps. If you both believe in paying off your mortgage, then one spending recklessly won’t happen.
When my hobby was encroaching on family time, I was open to suggestion to cut down, things like this.

‘We don’t argue. We are adults’.
Good lord !

We don't really argue. We're on the same page about the big-picture stuff. We do get on each other's wick sometimes and snap at each a little, especially if we're tired, but neither of us takes that seriously.

I grew up in a very tense, shouty household and I find yelling and screaming very triggering - I literally start shaking if someone near me starts screaming. I don't see arguing as a route to solving issues, and I don't find it cathartic (if anything, quite the opposite.) If there's a problem, we talk it out.

We row, without shouting quite a lot. The reasons have really changed over the years so we must be thrashing stuff out. We also do the going away and thinking about it and trying to change. We wouldn't row at all if I accepted his moody, tired snapping or if he accepted my controlling bossiness but hey ho.

We also both sulk, used to be him now it's me. He probably plots to murder me I plot to throw him out and live happily ever after but actually I adore him and he'd be dead if hunger in 3 days on his own so we're kind of stuck (that was lighthearted)

We don't row. Doesn't mean we agree about everything. We discuss and try to keep it can. I grew up in an angry household and didn't want that for my own home.

I’m a bit torn. I grew up in a household where people argued a lot. Not in an abusive way but in a “let’s clear the air” way. I then married an abusive twat who by the end would argue with mr if I said my eyes were blue and the sun rose in the East.

I was always brought up with the “clearing the air” approach. I now wonder whether it was all that healthy: it normalised arguing and shouting, often just for its own sake.

I’m now in a relationship with someone who almost never argues and is extremely measured and judicious in his response to anger and upset and it actually makes me feel much calmer and safer. In a year we have only had one proper argument and that was in response to some very poor behaviour by my DD.

Jury is still out; it may be that this gets stifling and hard to have a proper frank exchange of views. For now I am wondering if the “getting it off your chest” thing is just an excuse for two people who can’t communicate properly to release an escape valve...