To feel my weight gain is the reason for failing marriage

[Pinkycloud]

I’m writing this through tears as just feel so sad. Been married to DH for 10 years, we’ve got four kids, youngest is 5. I was 10st 4 when we met, am now 14 stone. Body has changed massively as I had all 4 by c section. And I eat too much chocolate. But... I still feel I look attractive, I make the effort with my hair, make-up etc. There is just no spark or intimacy between us. We get on great and DH is a kind, hands-on (except in that way 🤨), hard-working dad and husband. But we feel like house mates. I’ve tried to bring up the subject but I couldn’t feel more unsexy if I tried and it’s got to the point where if I have to ask for it there’s no point. I want him to want it, to want me.

But... I honestly feel that if I did go on a diet and lose weight and then he suddenly wanted to have sex I’d end up resenting him because it was clearly all about weight! Help, please!!

Everyone has their own version of what physical traits attract us to someone.

You can be happy in your own skin and not be bothered by gaining weight etc but a partner may find the changes not so appealing. He may also be worrying about the health implications.

Has he ever told or indicated you that he was ‘unhappy’ with your weight?

Btw, losing some weight has so many benefits. Feeling stronger, healthier, more energetic... getting into your old clothes just an added bonus.

It sounds like he is a good husband and father but perhaps he is no longer attracted to you.

You have put on almost half your body weight again. I'm not sure I would still fancy my husband if he weighed 20 stone.

It would do you good to lose it for your own sake and your children's.

It would be incredibly unfair of you to judge him if he was more attracted to you at a healthier weight.

It seems like you're projecting a bit - it doesn't sound like he's actually given you any reason to think it's your weight gain causing an issue?

You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Relationships change hugely once children are around, and it's important to talk to each other honestly about stresses and strains within the relationship.

But that would mean marriage was attraction, which it isn’t. Attraction is the starting point.
There are millions odd couples who are slim and gorgeous and don’t have a spark or n intimacy, it’s a phase all relationships go through, especially when you are busy being parents.
Diet if it will make you happy, but not to save your marriage.

That sounds very difficult for you, big hugs.

Maybe it isn’t the weight gain?

I think you need to talk to him although what he says will be difficult to hear if the reason for lack of intimacy is loss of attraction.

OP, I think you would be being a bit unreasonable if you lost weight and your marriage improved and then you resented your husband because of it! I mean, that would be better for everyone, right? It's not really his fault if he finds you a bit less attractive now.

Sorry, I know that isn't nice for you to hear. I am sorry you are feeling low, and I do understand how hard it is to lose (am currently trying to lose weight myself). Hugs to you

Has he ever said anything to make you think this?

Yes it is possible that your weight means he is no longer physically attracted to you. Love and physical attraction are two different things. You can love someone, be in love with them and no longer fancy them if their appearance changes quite drastically. It doesn't mean also you don't look attractive or he thinks you don't. Merely the physical doesn't do it for him. It's not something we control.

But it could also be simply four kids and life has taken its toll and eroded the spark and it's nothing to do with your weight.

I don’t think you can be certain it’s weight gain. Lots of people gain a few stone over 10 years and 4 babies. It doesn’t usually kill a marriage.

Above all you’ve stopped communicating. It wouldn’t be at all helpful if you forced him to say that he doesn’t fancy you, for whatever reason.

Have a think about the chocolate, are you rewarding yourself, too busy to eat properly, eating your feelings? You’re clearly unhappy.

Could you tell him you’re struggling? That you’re feeling unloved?

Can’t say I feel any better reading most of these posts, but thank you for your honesty.

Yes, I’m a classic emotional eater. Eating to bury my feelings, or eating to actually feel something. I’m not sure which, maybe both.

No, he has never said anything about my weight. He occasionally compliments me and it feels (and I’m sure this is on me, not him) patronising.

It's nice that he compliments you. It's common for couples to lose their way a bit after having kids, but it's possible to get the spark back. Any chance of you both taking a half day off when the kids are at school or getting babysitters?

Could this be more about how you feel about yourself ? You say you feel unsexy? That's seldom a turn on for anyone.

From what you’ve written I think it’s just as likely that it’s the toll of 4dc in 10 years that’s the issue for both of you. You’ve gained weight, perhaps as a consequence of this but maybe the consequence for him, unrelated to your weight gain, is a reduced libido.

Sexual attraction is not just about appearance. Perhaps I should say not always just about sexual appearance since so many on this thread seem to agree with you that your weight has turned your H off.

I think it's very unlikely that's what's at the root of this. It's more likely tiredness, how you feel about yourself, or even the Jack of privacy that comes with having 4 kids. Maybe try creating some situations that are conducive to intimacy. Go away together or something. Not with the aim of having sex at the forefront of your mind but as a way of having fun together and rebuilding the spark.

Nearly 4 stone is a lot of weight and would notice on anyone. So I think it would be understandable to not find a partner attractive tbh. If my dh gained a few stone I can’t say I’d still fancy him, sure I’d love him but be attracted to him possibly not.

I also think you don’t really feel attractive, you say you do in your opening post but if that was true you wouldn’t be paranoid your DH doesn’t fancy you would you know.

By your own admission your overweight because you “eat too much chocolate” Well you can change that if you want too, It really is up to you

If you want more intimacy with your DH then talk to him and make some time for each other. Even if it’s just a night a week where you cook a nice meal, cuddle up and watch a film

OP, I'm in a similar boat to yourself and in my position, it is much more than just the weight. We've only got two DC and our marriage has been through the wringer in the past decade since having kids. Without getting into too much detail, our entire dynamic has changed, my entire life has changed and I know that I have been overeating as a way of dealing with (or actively avoiding) things I'm not happy with.

In the last year, a lot of positive changes have happened and it's given me chance to make some positive changes myself as well. I'm a bit indifferent to my weight in itself but I know it's a symptom of deeper problems. Have a think OP, is there other things making you feel unhappy you can work on, communication between you and DH? Actually spending some time together just the two of you? Getting some time away for yourself? These are all things I've needed. I am working on losing weight as well. Mainly for my own health. It's not going to change anything in my relationship.

Lose weight for yourself if you want to. As a PP said everyone has their ideal of what they find attractive. You would also be well within your rights to lose weight and feel resentful if he suddenly couldn't keep his hands off you because you feel like you are the same person and there should be more to your marriage than the superficial (especially after 4 pregnancies). I think you both need to communicate. Both are perfectly valid feelings and thoughts in my opinion, but you need to share them. He needs to know what lack of intimacy is doing to you and how you would feel if there was a sudden change, he needs to let you know how he feels so you can decide if you feel comfortable addressing his concerns. But don't lose weight for anyone...you will resent them in the long run- do it for yourself.

Everyone changes during marriage. Would people say you were ok to find him unattractive if he lost his hair? If you love someone, you love them. What they look like is lovely to you, whatever they weigh. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. And have a chat with your husband.

I can see both sides. Your body has been through the mill producing his four children, so I don't think that your weight gain is comparable to him gaining the same amount of weight due to just overeating or whatever.

I am in the same boat after 3 pregnancies, the last of which really wrecked my body. I'm 2 stone overweight and I am very keen to lose it.

In the meantime I expect dh to love me, and be grateful to me for putting my body through those pregnancies as well as breastfeeding his children. My body will never be the same again.

But I don't really expect him to find me attractive because objectively I'm not at the moment, I look frumpy in clothes and I look awful naked. I guess it would be nice if he did, but he doesn't and I don't blame him.

That's my opinion, I don't think you're in the wrong but I don't think he is either.

I think it's far more likely to be 4 children rather than weight gain. Kudos on juggling a large family. :) I hope you have more time for yourself than just a few minutes to eat chocolate. Is your eldest old enough to babysit occasionally? x

I've been 10 stone and I've been 14 stone. I looked like a different person!

But the main thing was huge increase in confidence once I'd lost 4 stone.

That's what's affecting you the most.

there should be more to your marriage than the superficial

Eh, what now? There is more to marriage than just sex, that's just part of it, why are you making it the whole? That's really disturbing.

Would people say you were ok to find him unattractive if he lost his hair

Well yes. Because attraction and love are two very different things. They are not one and the same and she didn't say her husband didn't love her, as you go on to talk about love.

Some of these answers are very,,,,unusual.