To feel my weight gain is the reason for failing marriage

[Pinkycloud]

I’m writing this through tears as just feel so sad. Been married to DH for 10 years, we’ve got four kids, youngest is 5. I was 10st 4 when we met, am now 14 stone. Body has changed massively as I had all 4 by c section. And I eat too much chocolate. But... I still feel I look attractive, I make the effort with my hair, make-up etc. There is just no spark or intimacy between us. We get on great and DH is a kind, hands-on (except in that way 🤨), hard-working dad and husband. But we feel like house mates. I’ve tried to bring up the subject but I couldn’t feel more unsexy if I tried and it’s got to the point where if I have to ask for it there’s no point. I want him to want it, to want me.

But... I honestly feel that if I did go on a diet and lose weight and then he suddenly wanted to have sex I’d end up resenting him because it was clearly all about weight! Help, please!!

If you want to lose weight then do it because it’s good for you not because you think your dh wants it.

Attraction and love are two totally separate things and a good sex life does need attraction imo.

Might be something else?

Could be age. Some men don't like their wives to age, same way they don't want them to gain weight

Lots of larger ladies have very active sex lives. When you have been together a ling time its not just the physical attraction a number of other factors are in place. Confidence, how you feel about yourself, how you behave around each other, little things you do for each other. Make time for each other without thinking it might lead to sex. Enjoy some time spent together watching a film, playing a board game, or just eating and chatting when the kids are asleep. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself and your health. And yes he might not be able to keep his hands off you but it wint be just down to the weight loss it will be because you are happier and he will feel like the person he fell in love not lust with has returned.

If he's not attracted to you because you've gained 4 stone you can't blame him for that OP. I know some men seem to find their OH's attractive no matter what but it's not usually the case.

Has he gained that much since you've met?

My OH let himself go massively (I got back to size 8 after both pregnancies, took me a year both times) and I was embarrassed to be seen with him on holiday with his top off. He wondered why I still didn't want to have sex with him and his flabby man boobs and overhanging beer belly. I just couldn't.

I'd lose the weight for you. I'm doing it for me (size 10-12 now). If he finds you more sexually attractive after that doesn't mean he's shallow. It just means he has a body size preference. Don't we all?

I don't know really OP, lots of us have put on weight over the years and after children but still having sex with our husbands or whoever. The reality is you will probably never regain your pre pregnancy, newlywed figure (that we all keep as the ideal in our head!). I mean you could lose a ton of weight and your life is not magically transformed like you hope it would be, then you'd have to look at other causes of that lack of connection with DH. I think to begin with, you have to accept yourself, your body which has birthed 4 children, love what you have now. Look after the body you have, maybe work on toning up, increasing muscle which is lost over the years. You know what they say, how many people lose weight then regain it and more, it's a dangerous cycle. But you can change the shape of your body without damaging yoyo dieting which most of us have succumbed to at one point or another, and could make you feel even more of failure. And the sexiness of a person is often not down to weight anyway, have you stopped working on other areas of your life that contribute to making you an interesting, attractive person, maybe take up a new hobby, work on career goals, study something new. Don't just rely on your DH for verification of your attractiveness either, not saying have an affair, but a bit of innocent flirting with other people may help to remind you you're still an attractive woman

Oh you daft article, it's got nothing to do with how you look! You've got 4 kids, he clearly pulls his weight at home and I presume he goes out to work. I'd put money on this simply being that he's knackered and stuck in a wake-work-kids-sleep rut.

I don't think it's diets and lacy knickers that you need, just take the time to do something a little different even if it's just a game of Scrabble, like a pp suggested.

Another thought - he does sound like a decent bloke from the way you describe him. Is there a possibility that he thinks you are worn out with the DC and doesn't want to 'bother' you?

@viciousjackdow haha! Never heard that before! 😂😂😂
And absolutely agree! 😂😂

Some of these answers are very,,,,unusual.

Aka well-meaning but unhelpful bollocks. Weight gain might not be the reason, but it's pretty likely that it is, or at is at least part of the reason.

With little ones around it can become a habit to not have sex because there just isn't time. Then you have sex and both remember "oh yeah, that's great!". So, my suggestion is to set up a nice dinner; soft lighting, dressed nicely, and tell him you really fancy a shag. Chances are he'll decide he wants sex too and by reconnecting it'll help you to feel close enough to chat. Sex can be very good exercise too, so that's helpful.

Please don't prevent yourself from losing weight, on the chance he might find you more sexually attractive. Although I understand what you mean.
Why not lose it for you? So that you can run, do yoga, feel lighter, wear all the clothes you want. If sex is more plentiful, or better, then that's just a bonus. His attraction to you doesn't define you. You are more than that. I think you need to dig deep and find your best self just for you (sorry about the awful Instagram speak) but you know what I mean. You aren't alone. Most of us are striving to improve our health and looks.

You
Need to have a chat with your husband
And get to the bottom of this

Have you actually talked to him about it?
It's more than likely that the weight is the problem, I dont think a partner should be vilified for not finding their partner attractive after a massive weight gain. My DH has gained 5 odd stone since we met and I cant bear it, we have no love life as physically I do not find him attractive at all. Sounds harsh but I cant help the way I feel.
Have a conversation for goodness sake!

If 4 kids came along in the first five years, how long were you together prior to marriage? It may just be you weren't really sexually compatibile but you hadn't been together long enough to find out, or the sudden change to parents from a couple. You've both become Mum and Dad instead of your respective selves.

Why do you think it's your weight? Have you talked to him about it?

Your husband is also 10 years older then when you met with four children with at most 5 years between the oldest to youngest.
Could his lack of interest in sex be nothing to do with you and everything to do with being older and exhausted?
Especially as I'd imagine after the birth of your youngest there was a period of time when sleep for the both of you became the strongest object of your desire!
Laziness or the conservation of energy can become just as much of a habit as comfort eating.
He could be unwilling to talk about it because he thinks he has a problem with ED or something.
You need to have an honest conversation with him about it.
Good luck 🍀

Could it be that your insecurities and not feeling sexy as well as not wanting to bother coming on to him anymore are subtly giving him “don’t bother” hints too? If he can tell you’re not feeling it he’s probably just not bothered about it either through tiredness or lack of realising it’s been a while?
If you think back to your most sexually actively phase of the relationship how did you act differently? We’re you more proactive about instigating it? Were you more flirty/ cheeky/ happy? Was the initiating mostly you/ him or equal? I’m not saying these are the reasons he’s initiating less but just some things to consider OTHER than your weight, because for most normal people these are big factors other than just the superficial

Do you both work? I’m assuming four kids is a handful - I’m with others who think it could well be just being knackered!

Another thing that's occurs to me is a mindset issue, there are some comments suggesting that weight is an issue that haven't necessarily been phrased in a way that's helpful for you, because life isn't as simple as attractive=yes/no. Objectively I'm much more attractive when I'm slimmer than I am at the moment. DH finds me attractive regardless, but of course he finds me more attractive when my waist is slimmer. He needs to lose a few pounds at the moment too and is more attractive to me when his stomach is flat, he's still attractive but just not as attractive as he can be. Our relationship isn't based on thinking that the other one is the most attractive person in the world, so sliding up and down in attractiveness doesn't matter because we still find each other attractive. We still both need to do more exercise (when we are getting enough rest to fit it in) so that we can get back to the fitter versions of ourselves.

It's probably not so much this: to feel my weight gain is the reason for failing marriage

as this: To feel failing marriage is the reason for my weight gain.

it’s got to the point where if I have to ask for it there’s no point. I want him to want it, to want me.

Does this mean you never initiate? Perhaps he is feeling the same way. You need to actually talk to each other about it.