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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when should you tell you can't have kids

44 replies

Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 22:54

I'm 17 and last year my Dr said i had Primary Ovarian Insufficiency so it is highly unlikely i would fall pregnant . That hurt because i've always wanted kids however I could always adopt. However i've never been in a relationship and i'm scared that no one would want to get with me due to this.
When would you want to know if you were in a relationship with someone who couldn't have kids?

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OldTownRoadHome · 18/01/2020 22:59

Oh bless you that’s hard. To be honest I think at 17 it’s probably far from most lads minds at first!

As a relationship develops the subject of future planning and children will naturally occur and I guess that’s when you say it.

drspouse · 18/01/2020 22:59

I'm so sorry to hear this and this must be really hard to get your head round, especially at your age.
I'm old enough to be your mum but at the other end of the scale I met my DH when I was older i.e. also not sure I could have birth kids, and we ended up adopting.
I didn't want to get married if he wasn't willing to think about kids in general and possibly adopting. But that wasn't our first conversation! However I volunteered with kids when we met and me talking about them led to me working out he was willing to talk about kids, had volunteered himself in the past, which helped to bring up the topic.

Katzia · 18/01/2020 23:01

I have not been able to have children. I knew from age 16 it was not going to be. When I met my husband, I kinda got the feeling he was the one, we had such a great connection and attraction, (sometimes you just know) so told him on second date. In previous relationships I never raised it as I didn't feel they were going to go the distance and it didn't matter. Go with your gut. If it feels like "the one" tell early on.

Retroflex · 18/01/2020 23:02

I personally think that at 17, you'll struggle to find a guy the same age who is desperate to be a biological father, so I wouldn't feel the need to rush and tell a potential partner straight away. After you've been together for a while, maybe even after a year or so, then I think you'll know each other better, and you can broach the subject.

More importantly, how are you feeling about having a very low possibility of falling pregnant? Are you receiving any sort of counselling or support?

There are lots of people who either can't have, or chose not to have children, you're not alone... Flowers

Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:06

@Katzia how did you deal with it when you found out ?
Im still quite upset about it and the doctor never really went in depth about it and just kind of said it in abrupt way.
My mum was also with me in the appt so i felt awkward and was really upset but tried to keep a straight face because the dr and my mum were staring at me to see what my reaction would be.

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:07

@Retroflex no my dr just told me and just kind of left me to deal with it and just said i have options of IVF and adoption .
i do have an appointment with her next week though.

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:09

@OldTownRoadHome @drspouse Thank-you . i just didnt know if it was deceitful to be with someone and for them to find out later down the line that i couldn't have kids and then the prospects of them leaving over that would really hurt me.

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DonKeyshot · 18/01/2020 23:15

What tests have you undergone to get this diagnosis, OP, and has your doctor prescribed any meds to prevent some of the complications that can occur in cases of primary ovarian insufficiency?

Even though you've been told that it's 'highly unlikely' that you'll conceive without assistance, it is possible that failure to use contraception may result in you becoming pregnant and I would suggest that you take this into account if you're sexually active.

akmum18 · 18/01/2020 23:16

Don’t give up hope. I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children at your age as I also have ovary problems amongst other issues. I’m now a mum. I told my partner when I was sure I wanted a long term relationship with him. He took it fine and was supportive. When the time comes the right man will be understanding and help you through it. If you are able to speak to someone about your feelings do so, and keep positive Flowers

Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:18

@DonKeyShot I have hormonal problems anyways so was on the pill , but Dr did a scan of ovaries and gave me the diagnosis . Have now been transferred to a specialist who has told me to stop taking the pills and that after a few months he would do another blood test to confirm the diagnosis.
& i am definitely not sexually active and have never even had a relationship

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:20

@akmum18 thank-you your story gives me hope. My mum always says to me dw if you're meant to have kids you will and doesn't trust the Drs diagnosis and tries to deter me from asking questions. im happy you found someone but just the thought of being with someone and them leaving me because i can't have kids breaks my heart.

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Babybel90 · 18/01/2020 23:21

I’m so sorry, it’s horrible news to be given at any age.

I think I’d bring it up early on purely because you don’t want to get into a long term relationship with someone only to find out a year or two in that it’s a dealbreaker and have your heart broken needlessly.

Retroflex · 18/01/2020 23:26

@Nursingnew I would honestly ask your Dr to refer you for counselling... It's a huge thing to be expected to deal with on your own, and it's why I asked. Nobody should be told potentially devastating news and just left... Flowers

Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:28

@Retroflex yes, but my parents don't like me messing up my medical records and say its going to hinder me in the future when applying for nursing . Im applying for nursing as well and their is health checks and im just scared its going to prevent me from getting into my course.

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Katzia · 18/01/2020 23:29

@Nursingnew At the time it didn't really sink in much. I was told initially that I had a 90% miscarriage risk so not that I couldn't get pregnant at all, just that it would probably not work. So I just resigned myself to not wanting children. I then had a hysterectomy and it was final. That was indeed hard to deal with and I got a bit depressed, angry and very tearful. It took several months to come to terms with it. However the in-between stage had helped to rationalise things as rather than think I could have children I just kept telling myself I couldn't so when I had a hysterectomy it was not such a shock, although still depressing and devastating. The worst thing was so called friends telling me I was missing out, being selfish or I'd regret not trying. I remember one particular friend, a real child producing fanatic, saying to me after my hysterectomy "bet you wish you tried to have children before " . The insensitivity and callousness of some people knows no bounds at times. You just need to filter out all the comments and stay strong. When those old aunties/ friends/ colleagues ask questions as to when you are having kids ( if they don't know or forget the situation) turn it on them and say " are you asking if I'm having sex? " because basically that's what the question means. Just shut people up so they don't ask. It's a most insensitive question to ask any woman and I have learned over the years to either blank it or respond as rudely as they ask. You'll get through it but build an armour around you with sassy replies as there are some really insensitive morons out there.

Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:30

@Babybel90 Thank-you will do . i just dont know where the mid-point is between misleading someone and scaring them away is . But, thats probably due to my lack of relationships.

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:33

@Katzia Im so sorry you had to go through that . You're so strong and i hope to be as resilient and strong like you in the future if anyone asks me such insensitive questions . I haven't told any of my friends yet purely because i just don't trust them enough and don't want any fake sympathy.

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MimiLaRue · 18/01/2020 23:33

Personally, I think doctors should stop telling people they'll never have kids. I know MULTIPLE people who have been told they'd never have biological kids and all of them now have biological children. One stopped using contraception the same day she was told she couldn't have them and a month later she got pregnant.

I guess all I'm saying is- you are very young. Your diagnosis doesnt mean for sure you'll never have kids and things can change. I dont think you should be telling yourself "well, thats it" just yet. Take it one day at a time and get more information from the doctors first. There are many medical procedures that can help with fertility and in 10-20 years time they'll probably be way more advanced than they are now.
Dont write it off just yet Flowers

Retroflex · 18/01/2020 23:34

@Nursingnew, there are a few organisations who will talk to you, free of charge, and importantly, it's completely annonomous. Just Google "annonomous counselling free" and a list of organisations who will listen to your concerns will come up. Bottling up your emotions is never a good thing to do...

akmum18 · 18/01/2020 23:36

Anyone who leaves you because of your diagnosis is not worth your time and effort, a good man is out there and he’ll stay with you regardless. I ignored dr’s as like your mum I was told if it was meant to be it will. I fell pregnant first time with both much to mine and my drs shock. It’s encouraging that you have found out young so you can get the help and treatment you may need therefore giving yourself a good chance when the time comes. Good luck Smile

Northernsoullover · 18/01/2020 23:40

www.daisynetwork.org/
My friend went through this. She's married to a wonderful man. She doesn't have children which took some getting used to but she has found great support from the above charity.

Babybel90 · 18/01/2020 23:43

@Nursingnew I guess you just find a way to casually say “by the way, I want to be totally honest and upfront, so if this is a problem for you then best you know now” I think most decent men won’t have a problem with it at all, but if it’s a man who’s always wanted 10 children then he can select himself out.

FWIW and it’s purely anecdotal I know someone who had the same diagnosis and had IVF that worked first time, so it’s not a case of you definitely can’t have children, it might just be a more difficult journey.

Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:43

@MimiLaRue Thank-you . I have just wrote it off due to me only having had like 3 natural periods till date before i was put on the pill so it would be very unlikely. However, i will find out more after having done an updated and blood test and will not give up hope yet.

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:44

@Retroflex @Northernsoullover Thank-you so much i will look into them

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Original poster
Nursingnew · 18/01/2020 23:46

@akmum18 Thank-you for the advice and it is definitely true and i will just have to cross that bridge when i get to it & hopefully i will get the treatment i need Smile

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